It was a pleasant day in a remote coral salmon rose-coloured nebula somewhere outside the furthest spiral arm of the Fuckstar Sexoid Galaxy and the Enterprise was just chilling in warp three when suddenly, something most terrible and wonderful appeared on the view screen.
"Fascinating," said Spock as he raised a perfectly arched eyebrow.
"God GOD man, " said Bones as he was on the bridge to give Captain Kirk a clip board to sign.
"I've never seen one of those before," said Sulu, apparently disinterested by the event.
Chekov looked at Sulu and then back to the view screen, and blushed. "I don't think I'm old enough to be seeing this," he said, and covered his eyes with his hands before he could be corrupted.
Captain Kirk said nothing, but broke out into a cold sweat.
"Is anyone going to explain what we're actually looking at?" Uhura asked, apparently to no one in particular.
Just then a terrible impact rocked the ship and everyone fell over sideways like they did every episode and the blurp blurp bad times siren went off. When they regained equilibrium, the terrible beauty of the indescribable thing on the view screen was much closer. Now they could see that it pulsed and throbbed with a wanton organic movement and glistened with some mysterious space fluids.
The intercom blared to life and Scotty shouted up from engineering: "Captain, some weeeeeird space beasty has a gotten hold of t'ship. We're being sucked in!"
Kirk stirred from his previous paralysis, for he was suffering from the remnants of a deadly bout of Pedal Transient Paraesthesia (which is just like Pedal Transient Paresthesia only more British) and it still took him some time to adjust to sudden movements. Fortunately he was almost as noble and strong as I am, and was able to shrug off illnesses that would have rendered most men completely useless
Spock looked around, wondering what that strange dangling use of the first person pronoun meant.
"Open all hailing frequencies," the Captain said to Uhura, "and prepare a probe," he added to Spock.
"Hailing Frequencies open, Captain," Uhura said, listening to her fingers intently.
"Probe is prepped and ready for launch," Spock said, looking into his microscope thingy, and raising his eyebrow more.
"Jim, how long have I know you?" Bones asked.
"About four years, Bones," Kirk said, while eating an apple.
"That was a rhetorical question," the doctor muttered, as it was just filler to give the special effects department time to work on the probe model.
"The probe is away," Spock said and a white cylinder sped away from the Enterprise into the strange pulsating thingie they had encountered.
"I'm picking up a transmission, "Uhura said, "there's a strange language coming through on finger three. It sounds like Flatula, but I don't recognise the dialect. Firing up the auto translator and matching against all known entries."
Just then the ship rocked again and the Enterprise was drawn even closer to the anomaly in space. There was a weird pfft sound and the probe exploded on the view screen.
"The probe did not penetrate far enough," Spock said and raised his eyebrow even further.
Once more the ship rocked and then they were held fast within the embrace of the mysterious entity. The intercom blared to life once more and Scotty was again blaring his brogue to the bridge. "Captain, the pressures inside this thing are too much. We canna take much more of it or she's gonna blow!"
Kirk looked the view screen directly, as it the suspense of the establishing description could not be put off for the sake of humour any longer. The beautiful terrifying thing they had encountered was like a delicate space flower, a nebula of perfect petals and within them was strange round pearl of perfect pinkness nestling above a dark glistening entrance into which the poor enterprise was being pulled.
It looked kind of familiar to Kirk, but he had this nagging feeling that it should have been green.
"I've gotten a partial translation," Uhura said, sticking her finger in her ear again, "the transmission seems to be an ancient hymn to a goddess older than time and space itself."
"Vulcan legends speak of such a goddes," Spock mentioned, "but to assume that the literal truth of such things would be illogical, Captain." Spock raised his eyebrow even further, and was now close to running out of forehead.
"God GOD man!" Bones exclaimed as he finally remembered that time he delivered a breached baby with nothing but his bare hands, a quart of whisky, some twine and a tea spoon.
"What is it Bones?" Kirk said, as if they weren't in terrible peril and being drawn even closer to the darkness within the strange form. The view screen was now full of the outer petals of the anomaly and they pulsed and throbbed in a way that made all the men feel uncomfortable in their tight pants. Except Sulu, who was bored by the proceedings. And Chekov, who had passed out.
"Jim, I think that's the reproductive track of a biologically female organism! I can't be certain, I'm a doctor, not a gynaecologist!"
"What does this mean?!" Sulu ejaculated.
"It's means it's a giant vajayjay of a space goddess," Uhura explained, and handed Sulu a towel.
"But what's that round pearl-shaped protuberance?" Kirk wondered.
Uhura looked pityingly at the Captain and muttered something about that explaining why he never got a second date.
While the crew were busy discussing the sexual characteristics of the space snatch, the Enterprise was drawn into the darkness and suddenly all the light on the ship went out as the very walls began to vibrate.
"Captain!" Scotty yelled once more into the intercom. "The Enterprize just became a sex toy! If we don't do something soon, we'll be crushed by the kegels of this giant duff monster!"
"Fire all the proton torpedos!" Kirk yelled.
"I canna do that, Captain!" Scotty yelled back. "Somehow that cunning cunny is draining all the power to make the ship please her more!"
"Since all human starships are given female gender and pronounces, would that make this act of sexual congress a lesbian act?" Spock mused, his eyebrow going into maximum strain.
"Time and place, you inhuman green-blooded unemotional lump!" Bones snapped.
Kirk sweated some more. They were all out of options.
Nothing could save them.
"Except me.
"My name is Ensign Mary Amethyst Star Enoby Aiko Archer Picard Janeway Sue. I was born on the Kelvin, just like Captain Kirk, but upon the destruction of the ship my psychic powers enabled me to escape into a wormhole where I was raised by worms. At seventeen I'm the youngest ever Star Fleet Officer (I'm three days younger than dear Pavel) and everyone loves me. But of course I'm far too modest about my appearance and talents to show off. I'm absolutely gorgeous with long blonde hair with blue pink green orange purple streaks and limpid blue stunning violet eyes. I never go anywhere without my fishnets and my precious poochie Le Cutest of Beagle.
"I strode on to the bridge exuding confidence far beyond my seventeen years, for I had the maturity and experience of the ages within me. I took in the dire situation that the Enterprise had naively blundered into and immediately knew that only I could remedy this situation before precious lives were lost."
"She's narrating everything she does again," Uhura groaned and faceplanted slightly into her console.
"Oh, Nyota, one day you will overcome this petty jealous of me," Mary said, and pushed Kirk lightly out of the Captain's chair. He instantly relapsed into another bout of Pedal Transient Paraesthesia and crumpled to floor in useless agony.
"Then I ripped off my Ensign's uniform and underneath was a Captain's uniform. Only it was way sexier than regulation, because have you seen my legs lately? Anyway, then I sat down on the Captain's chair and Le Cutest curled up in my lap."
"That is not how the chain of command works," Spock said.
"Call me Captain," Mary said, pouting.
"Look, could we just get on with this and do something?" Uhura said. "I'd rather not be crushed to death by a giant space vagina, right now. I have plans for next week."
"Okay, this is clearly the vagina of the great goddess who dwells within all of us lucky enough to be blessed by her with perfect beauty, grace and skill. In order to escape from her clutches we must satisfy her, but the only person who can satisfy a perfect being is another perfect being."
Uhura rolled her eyes, she knew where this was going.
"Fortunately I am half-goddess, so all you have to do is believe in me and worship my perfection and everything will be okay."
At this Spock tried to raise his eyebrow even further, but instead his face ripped and a single drop of perfect verdant emerald blood dripped its way down his arched brows.
"Oh and you also all need to bring me to orgasm, first," Mary added.
"Kirk sprang up, suddenly recovered from his crippling illness. 'Mary, I am married to the Enterprise, but were I unwed, I would certainly take you as my bride for all time, because you're pretty.'
"'To save the Enterprise you must take me now, oh Captain, my Captain.' Mary murmured, lost in rapturous ecstasy at the thought of finally being in her beloved's arms."
"Please stop putting your creepy words into other people's mouths," Uhura said.
"You are so determine to ruin my fun," Mary hissed. "Fine, I'll just go sex up the goddess without being warmed up first, if you all die it's not my problem."
"There is the question of lubrication," Spock muttered, as blood dripped down his face in a pretty stream of turquoise.
"Not a problem, my precious Vulcan plunderbunny. I'm half-Vulcan as you know, so your blood will just get me going enough to blow the goddess' mind."
Before anyone could speak, Mary pulled off her uniform to reveal that she was wearing nothing but fishnet stockings and a garter belt. Her breasts were perfect ivory spheres of perfect roundess that was perfect, her sex a perfect cleft with a perfect spangle of golden hair that was just perfectly groomed.
Mary leapt on Spock and wrapped her legs around his neck, rubbing her erogenous zones all over his wounded face. In seconds she had extracted enough blood to make her perfect pussy perfectly pouring with a word that means wet starting with the letter "p"... umm I can't think of one.
Nevermind!
Mary then turned into a force ghost thing and went WHOOSH straight through the hull of the Enterprize. She then increased in size until she matched the size of the giant goddess in whose perfect vagina the spaceship was grasped within.
"Gosh," Mary said, when she came face to face with the perfect goddess of perfection.
"It's like looking in a mirror," the other Mary said.
"Who could have thought that two perfect being such as us could exist in the same universe?" Mary exclaimed, her violet eyes over flowing with tears of perfect joy over finally finding someone who was as perfect as she was and thus deserving of her love.
"You wanna make out?" the Goddess asked. And then the entire sector of the galaxy was drowned out in the moans of rapture.
...
"Ensign Sue, what is this?" Kirk asked, holding up the clipboard, to his newest Ensign.
"It's just some fiction I've been working on in my spare time. Did you enjoy reading it?"
Kirk looked at her and pressed the delete button.