I'm still alive. I've been working on several new stories.
But I've got to get this out here to continue with the healing that's begun...
You guys can comment if you want to. Just letting you know that any flames will just be laughed at with my friends~
They say 'Time heals all wounds' and that may be true for physical ones, but the wounds not healed by time are the ones left buried in the heart and in the memories of the mind.
Have you ever been in a safe place in your life? Everything going good with no worries whatsoever, making memories with your friends, and getting along great with everyone you're close to?
How would you handle it when suddenly something major happened in your life and several people turned against you because they believed you weren't right for someone and tried everything in their power to tear a rift between you?
The feelings of betrayal and being turned on caused such a deep hurt that it never will be fully healed, not completely anyways. You fight to prove them wrong every chance you get but it always seems like you're taking one step forward and being pushed five feet back. But you still put up a strong front and smiling face to show that their words and actions don't bother you, when on the inside you're screaming and crying.
The pain of everything comes crashing down on you until you slowly close off from everything and your mind decides it's better to sleep through the pain than having to be awake for it and suffer. And you do. You sleep for weeks on end, only waking up to shower or try and eat, and then you're right back asleep. No energy to get up and even walking for more than half an hour becomes physically painful. Nothing seems to matter as sleep comforts you. The few times you're awake you think with a sickening humor that at least you're losing weight but then you remember the pain and go back to sleep again.
A few months go by, and finally you've proven to those people you're there to stay and not some weakling to be pushed away from who you want. And slowly, you start to smile again. You start to leave your room and eat more, fighting to stay awake now.
But the pain is still there as the people still try to worm their way in the middle, although they think they're being subtle it's like a red flashing sign that's screaming "You're not welcome here". You complain quietly to your pillow at night and cry yourself to sleep like you've been since the beginning.
After a year, they stop and notice they're stuck with you and there was nothing they could do about it. But everytime you see their faces, the pain comes back and stabs you in the heart and your mind plays those hateful memories for you to relive until you're so hollow to emotions that you have to put up a front for everyone to let them know nothing's wrong.
People may know something's not right but no one says anything, the subject like a pin to a grenade ready to be pulled. And so, to make sure people don't worry, you start working to distract them and you. It works for a while, until you have to stop working. Now with your imagination as your only friend and worst nightmare during the day, those evil little memories come to the forefront and your chest clenches painfully as you try to understand how those people could even turn on someone like they did with you so quickly and when they realized they were in the wrong, didn't even say so much as a 'Sorry'. Something as simple as 'Sorry for treating you like that' is too much to hope for, but the heart and mind can still wish but it's still worth a try isn't it?
It's hard trying to imagine how to smile now and mean it. None of those happy feelings seem real anymore, only like wisps of something you can't quiet grasp. You know there's a strong chance your family knows something's wrong but don't bring it up. In some aspects you're happy for the respect of your feelings, but in the other you're screaming wanting someone to help you understand what's gone wrong and help you fix everything. So you're stuck locking up your unsure thoughts to yourself and just silently praying someone finally notices something but you're fearing that day because you're not sure if you can handle the help that may come with it.
Three years have went by now, and pain that had clutched at your heart so tightly is now a dull throb, but it's there. You're mind is not such a forgiving place though. Everytime you have to yourself, which is almost constantly, you find yourself flinching or holding your head trying to figure out how they betrayed you for what they wanted. How even though looking into those innocent little eyes, you're always reminded of all the heartache. And everytime a cross word is spoken, where the anger is coming from.
You wonder why you can't make it stop. You can't stop thinking that the pain isn't worth it. And then you wonder that dreaded thought that should never be in your mind but still got there, 'Why am I still here'? Then your mind that has already been tittering on the edge goes spiraling down into those ugly dark thoughts that you don't even try to fight now.
All your smiles are fake, none of them reach to your eyes like they should have. Nothing exactly makes you happy like it use to. You just feel the bitterness as you look back at what use to be and glare, turning your back on all the happiness you've ever experienced.
But deep down, you're just scared to be hurt again. Because you know, that if anything like that happened again, you wouldn't recover from it. You strain to keep everything together but ultimately; you are your own undoing to your life.
More than eight years have passed and when you're finally feeling right again, that dream's shattered into dust as the one you've fought so desperately for from the beginning turns their back on you and decides you're not worth the time any longer.
The pain comes back full force, feeling like half of your heart and soul have been ripped out by their own hands and left you there to cry into your pillow again, the sleep following quicker this time around, and the thought of food churns your stomach. But for some reason, you bounce back a little quicker. Your family knows what's wrong this time and make sure that you don't do anything extreme.
There's no running away for comfort where you use to feel safe. That was taken away from you and now you're only left with the pain and betrayal of being tossed aside and find out that there may have been another, younger, version of yourself that has taken your place.
The hurt and betrayal turns into anger and disgust as the reality finally comes crashing down on your shoulders that everything said to you by them was probably just said to keep you unsuspecting and happily oblivious. But now you're wondering if there was ever any truth to their words and feelings or if were just being used to fulfill their needs instead of equally.
Family and your friends stick close to you as the emotional roller-coaster called your week so far keeps going. You slowly start to make it day-by-day but there are lapses when you start to cry, triggered by nothing at all. The hurt from all those years ago comes slamming back into you and you finally realize that your years and effort have been wasted and all of this emotional distress could have been avoided if you had known how the future was going to play out.
Each day is a fight of logic, emotions, and physical pain. Every night your dreams are wracked with the image of that person, haunting you even in your sleep. Your health takes a scary turn when you realize the pain in your chest isn't just from heartache but something more deadly, more permanent and cry out for the only comfort you've known and watch with crying eyes as your mother enters your room to see you holding her chest in pain.
Now everyone that knows of the recent attack tries to keep your stress to a minimum, afraid that you'll have an actual heart attack, and when they're not around you're on your computer, reading stories to take you to another world and forget about yours. You try to find things to distract yourself from the thought of the pain returning.
This story is an ongoing on and will have heartache, grief, happiness, and so many more emotions.
Time may heal all wounds, but Time also twists the thoughts and stops the heart from feeling. Time is never ending and doesn't care for anyone's feelings. Time was never meant to heal anything, just batter the mind and wear down the heart.
Time was never on your side.
Now stop bitching,
And live!
As I said, I just needed to get this out there and I can handle things better through writing than any other way.
If anyone wants to ask me anything just pm me, but no worries. I have a close group of friends that are helping me...*sweat drops*..and apparently wanting to go after the jerk..*shakes head and smiles*...I love those goofballs~