Disclaimer: I do not own MGS, or anything in the series for that matter, as it all belongs to Kojima productions. I do however own any OCs, Mary Sues, or talking animals that might decide to make an appearance.
Meryl glanced quizzically down at the plate of food before her. "What the hell is this!" There before her, resting on the cracked china, was the most unappetizing round of eggs Meryl had ever had the misfortune of gazing upon.
"They're green?" Otacon blinked from his spot behind Meryl's chair.
"Yeah, silly! It's Green Eggs and Ham, like in the book!" Sunny chirped, waving the spatula around.
Meryl's head turned menacingly slow, her blue eyes narrowing at the silverette. "If you don't get back to the stove and prepare me some real eggs- UGH!" The furious redhead tossed the plate across the room, the dish shattering upon impact with the wall.
Both Otacon and Sunny gasped, as the young girl's colored creation was ruined by the dirty floor.
"Meryl!" Snake and Johnny chorused, as Meryl turned around to face them, her eyes burning with fury, her hands balled into fist, her face held an expression that could only be read as 'fuck off'.
"What's wrong with you guys! This girl should know how to cook!" Meryl slammed her fist down onto the table. "What kind of woman are you trying to raise? HM!"
"Meryl, calm down! I'm sure she just put dye in it." Johnny tried to reason with his wife, but of course when has that ever worked?
"Calm down? The NERVE of you!" Meryl rose from her chair. "That ham was spoiled! You let her cook spoiled ham!" She shouted, pointing accusingly in Otacon's direction.
"I wonder where she got that ham from..? I thought all we had was ration and eggs.." Snake grumbled.
"Maybe she got it during Meryl's wedding?" Otacon mumbled back with a shrug of his shoulders.
The arguing continued for several minutes, before Sunny returned with a normal plate of 'sunny side up' eggs to which Meryl replied.
"That's how you make some DAMN eggs." Meryl then snatched the plate, and began to wolf down every last bit of the eggs.
"But- Uh- M-Meryl.. I made all those f-for everyone." Sunny whimpered, afraid that if she said something wrong, the older woman might bite her hand off.
As Johnny opened his mouth, prepared to remark on Meryl's eating habits, the large 'briefing monitor' flickered on with a direct feed from Roy Campbell's private office.
"Meryl!" Roy gasped, watching in horror as his daughter savagely ate her way through the whole platter of eggs.
"Uh-" Meryl felt the blood rush to the back of her ears. "D-Dad?"
To which Johnny, Roy and Snake replied. "Meryl!" At that same moment, Snake preformed CQC and retrieved what was left of the eggs, though most of the eggs had been soaked in Meryl slobber.
Clearing his throat, a very disgusted Roy Campbell begins to brief the team. "I have received some Intel on a certain development of disturbing potential.. Do you know- Do you know of the 'Mary Sues'?"
To which everyone nodded, except Johnny who stared with a puzzled expression, his eyes shining rather stupidly in the light. "What's a Mary sue!"
Snake coughed, Sunny retreated to the kitchen, Otacon shuffled awkwardly on his feet, and Meryl hissed with a slap to the back of Johnny's head. "How do you NOT know what a Mary Sue is?"
With that, Roy sighed. "That's enough Meryl, we don't have time to get Johnny up to speed.. I need you guys in L.A, as we have reports that M.S.I is there right now."
"But- C'mon guys! Don't keep me in the dark! What's a Mary sue?" Johnny looked pleadingly into Meryl's eyes.
With a defeated sigh, Meryl gave into Johnny's stupid looks. "Uh.. It's a terrible creature tha-"
"ENOUGH! You all need to get to L.A, now!" Roy shouted forcefully.
"Isn't it convenient that we just so happen to be about.. Thirty minutes away from L.A?" Otacon chirped, hands clasped together.
Meryl gaped in terror at Otacon's feminine demeanor. "If I didn't know better.. I'd call you a fa-"
"MERYL!" Snake chided, cigarette in hand.
"I-I.. I thought Y-You quit..?" Sonny whimpered from behind a chair.
Gazing from the corner of his eye, Snake began to ramble. "I just used CQC, my stress is at 80%, my psyche is less than half one bar-"
"S-Snake.. 'Less than half one bar' doesn't make any sense.." Sonny almost didn't have enough time to dodge the empty plastic cup, that was thrown by none-other then..
"MERYL!" Snake hissed.
"Te he he, Snake.. You hissed." Otacon giggled, he then added. "You can just drink some Regain. First, press the L2 button to open the item menu.. Then! Scroll down the options to 'Regain' and press X." Placing a suddenly delicate hand on his hip, he continued. "It'll help relax those sore muscles of yours.."
Johnny chose that time to jump back into focus. "Wait- That's what compress does.. Regain is more like ster- I .. I mean.. Energy drink." After recovering from his flub, Johnny began to read the flash cards in his hand. "It.. It should re.. Rein.. Reinvigorate you.."
"Hphm! Atleast I can read!" Otacon huffed, as he went off to pout in his designated pouting corner.
"Atleast-" There was a short bout of silence. "I..I -WAH!" Johnny stalked off to Meryl's side, his tail between his legs.
Less than half an hour later, Snake was suited up for his latest, and hopefully last field operation. Johnny and Meryl too were both strapped to the teeth, and ready to penetrate deep within the unknown enemy territory.
And while the 'team' was looking fabulous and ready to take on their latest foe, Otacon was putting the final touches on his.. Uh- Thing-a-mah-jig...
"Sorry, Snake.. We ran out of names, so we called this little fella' the 'thing-a-mah-jig." Otacon beamed, his eyes never leaving the.. Thing-a-mah-jig.
"Oh, hell no! OH, HELL NO!" Meryl sneered in disgust. "That thing looks cheap, and the name sucks donkey ba-"
"MERYL!"
Scoffing, Meryl trotted over to a vacant chair. "You guys are the reason Otacon is so.. Soft."
Snake eyed Meryl from the corner of his eye, before turning back to the sniffling brunette. ".. Uh.. Otacon, couldn't you have come up with a better name? You usually slap 'OCTO' on everything, and call it a day."
Half-sobbing, Otacon looked up at Snake with retardedly glittered eyes. "Sonny named it.. You don't want to break her heart.. Do you?"
Just then, the young silverette emerged from upstairs. "U-Uncle Hal.. I d-don't know why y-you went through all the.. Trouble of naming m-my project.."
Silence fell over the room as everyone realized that Sonny was infact.. A snitch.
"Really, Otacon.. Really?" Snake grumbled, arms folded across his chest.
"Just give the damned thing a name.. I want to go out there and kick some ass, take some names-" Meryl froze..
"Aw, look at that Snake.. Your PS3 lost connection.. And right in the middle of one of Meryl's dumb rambles.. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?" Otacon began to panic, his hands reaching down to pull at the ends of his skirt.
"Uhh.. Let's call the watchmen?" Johnny suggested.
"No, I've got a better idea. Let's skip the fore-play and get to the action." Snake grabbed his handy-dandy PS3 controller. "We re-group after the cutscene." And with that, Snake pressed the 'START' button, and skipped the rest of the pointless cinematic.
A loud chirp resounded through the empty alleyway, almost deafening our favorite old hero. "Daaaaaaamn! That hurt." Snake hissed, suddenly feeling a wave of out-of-characterness.
"Sorry, Snake.. I let Sonny calibrate it this time.. I won't let it happen, again." Otacon's voice seemed to sound unusually Homosexual over the comm-link. "Now.. Anyways, Snake.. You're near the 'hot zone' so if any OOCness appears.. Now will be the time."
Snake began to blink wildly. "Wait- How'd did I get here in the first place? Roy didn't give us anything other than L.A, M.S.I, or-"
"Shhhh, Snake.. They're watching us." Otacon interrupted spookily. "Besides, I hear that L.A is fun!"
Suddenly, Snake noticed a group of women (all who seemed less than 20 years of age) dragging a helpless young man down the street. "What the..?" Equipping his combat knife, Snake began to strut down the alleyway, down the street, and right up to the girls.
"OMG!11111! IT'S JONY!" Squealed a fangirl, as she prepared to rip the blonde limp from limp.
"WTF? BIZNATCH! He's mine!" Barked another fan, as she began to strip the defenseless male.
"Snake! HELP ME!" Johnny cried, as he fought the girls with all his strength. He was kicking, biting, hell.. He even pulled at some girl's weave. (And of course he almost lost his hand because if it.)
"Liek.. MGS4 is teh W1N5!" Shouted a girl with pink, black, neon and purple highlights, piercing limpid blue eyes, hot topic GOFFICK clothes, pink pumps, hooker breast implants, a Linkin' Park Tattoo on her butt cheek.. (How you can see it? She's not wearing pants of course..) Though, the tattoo was frowning, since her ass was sagging real bad out of the side of her 'strawberry' panties.
"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY MAN!" Meryl pointed, both hands pre-occupied with two giant rail guns. "I will NOT hesitate to fuck a bitch UP!"
Snake gave the scene his signature 'WTF' face, when suddenly, his Comm-link activated. "Otacon, what the hell! I thought you said I couldn't pause real life."
"You can't Snake.. That's why you're going to miss that 'EPIC' slaughter fest." Otacon sat there.. In his chair.. Fidgeting with his glasses.. Speaking slow as molasses. "Sooooooo, Snaaaaaaake.. Hooooooow dooo yooooou liiiiiiike ..?"
"Octorunning?" Snake questioned. "Isn't there supposed to be a - in there? Octorunning as one word looks stupid."
"Octomama..!" Otacon countered, his bitching level over nine thousand. "Look- If I change the name, will you put the suit on?"
"I'm already wearing it.." Snake shrugged.
"Well- You AIN'T got nothing to complain about.. Bitch." Otacon rolled his neck.
"OTACON!"
"Fine, we'll call it Octo-foot.. See, I put the - in there for you." Otacon winked right as the camera went off.
"Wh- Otacon?" Snake groaned.
Hours later, Snake, Meryl, Johnny and the Mark IV made their way down the street. "I like the Mark IV.. It actually looks like it can do something.." Snake admired the robot hovering in mid-air.
"Snake, that's not the Mark IV.. That's Sonny's project.. The Mark IV is right.. Here.." Johnny produced a red-ass brick from his back pocket. "Otacon told me to guard it with my life!" The blonde cheered, tossing the brick up in the air.
"Johnny, stop! You're abusing the Mark IV!" Otacon bitched.
Meryl spun on her bloodied heel. "Mark IV.. It's just a stupid brick.. Infact.. It's just a stupid brick with goblin eyes glued onto what appears to be a drawn on peni-"
"MERYL!"
"Okay then, how do I knock someone out with this thing?" Asked a puzzled Snake.
"You throw the Mark IV at their head!" Otacon said, a goofy smile on his face.
There was a brief pause before Snake summoned up enough willpower to continue listening to Otacon's certified 'bull shittery'. "Okay, so.." Snake began asking another serious question. "How do I distract an opponent with the Mark IV?"
"You throw it at their head!" Otacon let out a shrill giggle.
".. Can't you just chuckle for once? I'm getting disturbed by your unfortunately bad gayness." Meryl huffed.
Snake hissed at her before returning to his game of '21 questions'. "Otacon, I'm being serious.." And boy, did his voice just ring with a tone so serious.. He could peel paint.
"Okay, okay.." Otacon caved. "For a distraction, toss the Mark IV near them to draw their attention." Otacon then began to pout. "It would've been funny if you brutalized them all, though."
"Otacon.. I thought you were peace loving and all that stuff.." Johnny scratched his head.
"Not when Snake's involved.." Otacon wiggled his brow suggestively. "IF, you catch my drift."
Meryl tapped her boot-clad foot. "Catch your drift? You've drifted so far off the path, I wouldn't be surprised if you said that you love c-"
"MERYL!"
END.