BS I love you Twilight rewritten

by EvaBeau

Eva, a dachshund and Beau, a Frenchton, attempt to re write Twilight from they way they see it. YOU MUST SCROLL DOWN TO THE END AND READ FROM THE BOTTOM UP-

"Can I get you folks anything?" Lucy purred. "A cold sanguine frappe, perhaps? A Bloody Mary? Or me?"

"Why,yes! She is a legend among our kind. And, wow! What a looker!" He exclaimed, taking in the stewardess' sexy long legs, his eyes moving up to rest on her full alabaster white breasts spilling out of her tight low cut dress.

"Oh yes!" Bella chimed in. "Wasn't she Count Dracula's first victim, and she ended up preying on innocent children?"

" Lucy Westenra? I think I know her!" Edward said, running his fingers through his golden locks and licking his full, red lips.

"Your flight attendant for the trip to Transylvania," he continued, "is Lucy Westenra. She will make sure that you will want for nothing during the long and tedious overseas flight."

The pilot's voice billowed over the loudspeakers " Velcome to Transylvania Ex-press. I Vant to make your flight com-for-table."

Elegant chandelier-like pendants were suspended from the ceiling of the cabin, lighting the way for the newlyweds.

There were complimentary sleeping coffins with piped in funeral parlor music.

A wet bar offered a selection of True Blood, warmed to a perfect 98.6 degrees.

Inside, the seats were sleek black leather and red crushed velvet curtains adorned the little window portals

The doors of the sleek white jet magically opened, as if to welcome the couple lovingly into its arms.

"I'm so glad you agree since you were so opposed to it at first. Let's hurry to make our flight before the sun comes out again!" He said taking her around the waist and pulling her along the tarmac towards the Transylvania express airlines areoplane.

"Why, thank you, Mr. Cullen," she said joyfully. "So are you! I think marriage agrees with us both!"

"You can always bet on Alice!" He said with another pearly white smile. The sun peeked out of the gloomy Seattle sky and shone in on the two of them as they drove up to the airport. They sparkled like never before. "Why Bella, you are even more beautiful in the sun!" He exclaimed in awe.

"Why yes, your extremely proactive sister Alice ordered us a case from Merlotte's prior to our departure. She knew that we would need sustenance along the way," Bella replied.

"Bella, we are vampires or have you forgotten? It will take a lot to destroy us. By the wayan did you bring a few bottles of that Trueblood? We will need some nourishment soon. I like the A- personally since that's what you were before I changed you." He said smiling broadly, flashing perfectly straight white teeth.

"Watch your driving!" Bella reprimanded him. "Keep those butterscotch eyes of yours on the road! I know you are quite talented in the multi-tasking department, but I would like for us to arrive at the airport safely."

"No special coffin jets for us. We are more advanced than that. We travel like all humans. We just have to stay out of the sunlight. So, I have booked us an all night flight. We should be in Seattle in a few minutes. Alice packed your bags, of course. We will be in Transylvania in no time. Be patient, Bella!" he said anxiously, stroking her hair out of her face and kissing her lips gingerly.

"Will I need my passport? I think I left it in Forks, unless Alice remembered to pack it for me," Bella said. "Unless we travel in one of those special jets like they use on True Blood," she added hopefully.

"Yes, darling. I would like to seal the deal there if you don't mind. It would feel more 'kosher'. Please get dressed. We need to get to the Seattle airport to catch our flight." He said hurridly, busying around.

"Mmmmmmmmm," she moaned. Then sitting upright suddenly, she said, "Weren't we going to Transylvania for our honeymoon? Is this cabin in the woods a pit stop before our final destination?"

"Aww, Hon, don't get all mad. We have plenty of time to uh-hum, you know. Come on over here and sit that pretty little a** of yours over here." He said reaching and taking her by her tiny alabaster wrist. Pulling her naked body down on the sofa, he began to caress her arm, moving up to rest his hand on the crook of her neck, then, moving it up to caress her check. He bent over and took her mouth in his, sucking her upper lip.

"Ah hah! I knew you had been watching True Blood on the sly! And you told me you didn't have cable! Is that why you married me, to be your slave, to come at your every beck and call?" she harrumphed. "If you want a bottle of True Blood, you can bloody well get it yourself!"

"Yeah, can you get me a bottle of TrueBlood out of the fridge? Carlisle always has some on hand for when just the guys come here on hunting trips" he said waving his hand towards the kitchen as he hunched towards the TV.

"See anything you like, big boy?" Bella said, doing her best Mae West impersonation. "And I do mean BIG!"

"What was that, honey? I was engrossed in the game. Mariners are down 3 to 1. I gotta see if they can pull it up in the next inning. Man! I wish Charlie was here to watch this with me!" He said glancing up to take in her naked body standing before him.

"Those losers? They are in last place in their division! And how can you possibly think of watching a stupid baseball game at a time like this? Besides, I need for you to wash my back..." Bella's voice trailed off.

"Yes, we do take showers. Everything you need is in the bathroom. Esme always keeps it supplied. And, um, Alice keeps her intimate attire here as well if you are interested although she's quite a bit smaller than you. Maybe her thongs will fit, anyway. Esme might have some clothes tucked take a look around" he said plopping down on the large sofa and turning on the flat screen TV mounted above the cozy rustic fireplace."Sweet! The Mariners game is on!"

"I think I would like to skip that mountain lion dinner for now, and head straight to the boudoir. Maybe we can take a shower together, or do vampires even bother to bathe?" she asked innocently, looking longingly into his butterscotch colored eyes.

" I drive extremely fast and can multi-task, remember? Or did you bump that rock solid head of yours on the dashboard when we were fooling around in the car?" He asked raising an eyebrow. "Well, here's our cabin in the big woods. What do you want to do first?" He asked running a hand through his golden locks.

"Not to change the subject, but when did we arrive at the cabin in the woods? It is fabulous, and I can't wait to try out the feather bed," she said, coyly glancing at what awaited her.

"yes, it's still alive and bigger than ever!" he said with baited breath.

"Wow, it looks like something down there is still alive, in spite of the fact that the rest of you is dead," Bella happily giggled.

" Bella, I see you've found my new tattoo. I wanted profess my never dying love for you." He said then he took her hand and guided it down his lean body resting it on his hard smoldering piece.

Her fingers softly traced her new initials BSC on his now bare chest. She planted tender kisses on his nipples, causing them to stand at attention, like two soldiers guarding a fort.

His breath hitched as he ran his right hand down her neck and cupped her breast, fondling it gently. He grabbed her tightly around the waist with his left arm and pulled her briskly to him, pressing his body close to hers.

She ran her fingers lightly along the dimple in his chin.

He knotted his fingers in her long flowing hair as he drew her closer, his strong arms holding her head tightly.

Leaning into Edward's rock solid body, Bella kissed the corner of his mouth gently, slowly working her way down to his ruggedly handsome jawline, then to his smooth alabaster neck.

"I thought you'd never ask" he said to her as he leaned over and pulled her to him, kissing her gingerly on her full ruby red mouth.

"My dearest Edward, you are so sweet to think of dessert too," Bella said. "A slice of

old-fashioned strawberry rhutabaga pie would be heaven...but I think I would rather have YOU for dessert!"

"You can have fries with that and and some berry cobbler for desert if you want. Bella, I would give you the moon and stars. You are my life now." Edward said thoughtfully.

"I could use a mountain lion about now, but does it come with fries?" Bella innocently asked. "I doubt if I could ever chow down on a deer, since Bambi is one of my favorite movies from childhood."

"I am so sorry, Bella. With all the excitement, I forgot you are still a newborn and must feed often. I'll find you a nice deer or how would you like mountain lion? I,m sure we can find one of those at the cabin." He replied, a look of concern in his eyes.

"How far is the cabin from here?" Bella asked, carefully rearranging her tattered gown so as not to soil the rich corinthian leather seats of the Volvo. "I am famished, and would really like something to eat, even though you have stressed that I must now adhere to a vegetarian diet."

"And left you knocked up and with rabies, no doubt or fleas at best! Alas! Enough of this talk. Let's get you to that cabin in the woods so we can get on with this honeymoon!" He said excitedly, wrapping his arm around her waist and leading her to the car. He opened the door for her and closed it behind her, making sure not to catch her now soiled and ripped wedding dress train.

"You got that right!" she agreed.

"That's a dog for you!" Edward lamented with a smirk.

"Why yes, if that is what really happened in the fourth book...it sounds so romantic! With Jacob, it was just wham bam and not even a thank you ma'am," Bella said sadly.

Yes, the chapter exists in the fourth book; the one where you beg me for sex on our honeymoon and when I finally relent, we break the headboard and I bite the feather pillow making the feathers fall all over and they cling to your moist with the sweat of lovemaking nude body as you lay across my rock hard abs. Would you like us to do that at the cabin? Bella?" He said with a crooked smile,eyebrows raised.

"Oh my, I had totally forgotten about that if indeed that chapter does exist," Bella sheepishly replied. "On to the cabin then, hubby dear!"

"Listen, we need a place with a little more privacy. Didn't you read the honeymoon chapter in Breaking Dawn? We can't be breaking other people's furniture and ripping their pillows! " He informed her.

"I thought we were going to stay at the romantic George Washington Inn in Port Angeles," she wailed.

"Let's go find that out of the way Cabin that Esme told us we could use." He suggested, wrapping his arm around her waist and leading her to his shiny silver volvo.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm good!" she purred delightedly.

"Bella, shut up and kiss me, we are finally married!" Edward exclaimed, scooping her up in his strong capable arms and lifting her, he kissed her, now, lusciously red bow shaped lips.

"No, I don't mind being a Buddhist Vampire at all UNLESS it means that I can no longer babble aloud," she pondered.

" He just pronounced us man and wife acording to the laws of Buddha. That's good enough for me! How about you, Bella? Do you mind becoming a Budhist Vampire?" He asked.

"I take Edward Cullen to be my wedded husband and to let him do of me as he pleases," Bella said, then adding on her own, "Ta da!"

" Ok" he rolled his eyes." Did you bump your head AGAIN? Cuz vampires are that daft! And,' they don't get second chances' as Jane so often says. so, Bella? Please say : I take Edward Cullen to be my wedded husband and to let him do of me as he pleases" he smirked.

"I do. I do take Isabella Swan to be my wedded wife," Bella recited.

" Yes, Alice is a good person and a good friend to you so don't get her mad again. Okay! Its time to say ' I do' " Edward said, " I do take Isabella Swan to be my wedded wife" he nodded.

"I got carried away because of the anticipation and excitement," Bella replied. "Is it time for me to say 'I do' now? It was really sweet of Alice to pack some clothes for me, after she blew up about the Jasper incident."

" That's not funny" he retorted." Behave, these monks are doing us a favor. " He said grabbing her around the waist and sqeezing her in a playful manor.

"YES BELLA!" she squealed.

" He justed asked if you will taked me to be your lawfully wedded husband?.. Say Yes,Bella..and don't worry about the attire. Alice had put your bag of things in the car long before we left in anticipation of the other wedding." He whispered to her, stopping her incessant rocking" say YES BELLA!"

"Has the monk performed the ceremony yet? Are we legally wed?" she asked, eagerly rocking back and forth on the heels and toes of her feet. "I can't wait to get out of this tattered gown and slip into something more comfortable," she winked. "But wait, we left in such a hurry, I have absolutely nothing to wear!" she wailed.

" Isabella Marie Swan! You never cease to amaze me!" He grinned, grabbing her up and planting a (now warm since they are the same temp) kiss on her perfectly shaped lips.

"Wow, when will I be able to do that? I would be neat to hear what thoughts Charlie and my mom are thinking!" she said as she snuggled closer to him. "Please let me know when it is time for me to say those magical words...'I do'. I can't wait to finally become Mrs. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" she sighed happily.

"You know they don't speak so I will have to read his thoughts and translate. I'll tell you when to say the 'I do'" he said solmnly, pulling her closer to him.

Bella and Edward were still as a stone, like the Buddhist statues lining the marbled hallway, waiting for the monk to appear. They could see his humble yellowish-orange garb slowly approaching in the distance.

"Yes, let's get thee to a monk quickly!" He giggled.

Footsteps silently shuffled along the marbled halls of the monastery as Bella responded to Edward's tender touch. "Shhhh," she said, "I think I hear a monk approaching. We better stop monkeying around!"

"Oh Bella, honey, you don't know how long I've waited for you!" He moaned, taking her firm young breast in his hand.

"Well, maybe just a little bit, " she giggled, thrusting her milk engorged breasts towards his eagerly awaiting hands.

"But Bella" he pleaded," I was just thinking that in our three and half book courtship, I never once touched you inappropriately even though we could have had a little fun all those times we were just kissing. And now that you are a vampire, I thought you might not mind as much,"

Pushing Edward away, Bella said, "No! Not until we are married! No second base for you!"

"Oh my, Bella. Your pups were not yet weaned. Here, ket me pump them for you." He said eagerly grabbing her firm breasts in each his hands.

"Yeah, about that...I think I need a breast pump," she said, embarrassed, although she was no longer able to blush.

"Nooo.. But you are a mother none the less." He quipped with a smirk.

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"Excuse me, but I ain't yo momma!" Bella said haughtily.

"Not to mention a good MILF" he winked.

"Maybe one of the monks will have a needle and thread, and I will be able to mend this dress. After all, I did take a Home Economics class or two when I attended school in Phoenix. I should be really handy around the house once we are officially and legally wed!" Bella commented.

"Now that you are one of us, you should not feel the coldness. We will be the same temp so it won't matter. You are still transforming and that is why I still feel cold to you. Be patient, Bella. We are almost at the monestary. They are talking about us. I can hear their thoughts. Now, try to control yourself around these humans!" He said reluctantly pulling himself away from her exquisite body and taking in her torn dress. " We will have to do something about this dress." He commented.

"Oh Edward, your hands are icy cold!" Bella said, "but then my body is too, now that I have made the transformation into one of your kind. And when did the top of my wedding dress slide down off my manly shoulders? Did you glamour me, or can one vampire even do that to another? Please remember that I am new to all this!"

"Oh, Bella.." He sighed deeply, trailing off as he grasped her other breast in his large hand.

The pins holding her upswept hairdo quickly loosened, and her freshly shampooed hair tumbled to her shoulders.

His fingers knotted in her hair while his other hand skimmed down the length of her neck to her collarbone and then sliding to her firm young breast.

Bella gasped delightedly as his tongue greedily and needily entered her mouth.

Edward sighed deeply as he brushed a piece of tangled brown hair from her face. "I would have found you. Even if it meant visiting the pits of hell" He said as he leaned in to brush his stone cold lips against her warm inviting parted mouth.

"Because, my beloved Edward, if I had remained in Phoenix with my mom, I never would have met you!" Bella said. "Kismet brought us together, don't you agree?"

"Well, that figures. Pheonix has so much more to offer than this podunks place. Why didn't you just stay there,Bella? You would have been so much better off if you'd just stayed and never came to Forks! You'd a had a shot at a "normal" life." He said passionately, then raising his eyebrows to her singing," whatever that is for YOU"

"Going to the chapel, and we're gonna get married," Bella hummed offkey to herself. And in a much louder voice she said, "No, Charlie doesn't have cable; I watched the movie while living in Phoenix with my mother."

"Charlie must have gotten cable and you just didn't want to tell me!" He said suspiciously. "No worries, I have wired a transfer to their bank. All is good at the monestary and we should be married before the night is over!" He sighed contently.

"Yes, maybe if you make a sizeable donation to the local monestary, the monk will agree to marry us. Please forgive me for calling you Shirley, but I only recently saw the movie Airplane for the very first time!" Bella said.

"Um. That's just it, Bella. We have blood but its somebody else's. Remember? We were drained of our blood when we became vampires. And since we are vegaterian, we have animal blood in us. Maybe those Budhist monks won't noticee if I slip them some cash. Everyone has a price, Bella." He winked and then added:"And, Bella? How 'bout don't call me Shirley, ok?"

"Why, whatever do you mean?" Bella naively asked. "I know that our hearts don't beat since we are technically dead, but Shirley we have blood magically coursing through our veins!"

" The bloodwork might be a problem." Edward chidded forlornly.

"And just where do we find this Buddhist monk to marry us? At Buddhist Monks R Us?" Bella asked. "And don't we need to get blood work done first?" she innocently suggested.

"Bella, that's exactly why I love you! I can't read your mind but you always seem to know what I'm thinking. Yes! Lets go right now and forget all about these crazy Vampires and that annoying Esse!" he pleaded, batting his long eyelashes over his soft butterscotch colored eyes.

"That is an excellent idea, as long as the marriage is legal in Washington State and the rest of the world! And maybe we can spend our honeymoon in that little bed and breakfast over on Finn Hall Road...what is it called, the George Washington Inn? Although I doubt if Georgie Boy ever slept there!" Bella laughed.

" ofcourse I understand Bella. I wiil make you an honest woman immediately! Let's elope over to Port Angeles. Are you opposed to being married by an Buddhist monk?" He enquired earnestly.

"That's the way my momma raised me up, after the experience she had with Charlie," Bella said somewhat sadly. "So I have decided to wait until we have tied the proverbial knot. I hope you will understand."

"But, Bella? I thought you were the one that wanted to show me your new Victoria's Secrets before the wedding day and now you want to wait? My how you have changed!" He sighed.

"You are so predictable, Edward! I had a feeling that the punchline Victoria's Secret would somehow be worked into the conversation," Bella laughed. "Now that everything is supposedly under control with the nameless sister and the band of baby vampires, I would be delighted to visit you in your wrought iron bed with its shiny gold comforter but only after I plight thee my troth!"

"I am so sorry, Bella. The name of the twin's sister was Victoria's secret. We will never know. As for the wedding, yes, I will marry you. The minister was frightened off by all these wild vampires but I promise I'll get another one. Until then, we have this big pretty bed all to ourselves if you want to do something about that virginal chain." he winked.

"Edward, are we EVER going to get married? Or are you just yanking my virginal chain? You told me that the minister was here to officiate, but then we got sidetracked in our storyline with the arrival of Victoria's evil but nameless twin sister!" Bella said sadly.

"The Cullens are meeting Alice over at the reservation to help the wolfpack with Victoria's evil twin. We will be alone in that great big house if you want to try the silk scarves" he said with a smooth sultry voice.

"Maybe with silk scarves but definitely NOT handcuffs. They would be too rough on my tender skin even if they were lined with lamb's wool," Bella said. "And you're right, ONLY after we are married...which is going to be when? You have to take care of Victoria's evil twin sister first!" she reminded him.

"oh, there's an idea. Not that I would do it since I am such a gentleman and prefer the more traditional ways of life but it's something I'd be willing to try sometime after we are married, of course." he said sternly but with a hint of twinkle in his soft butterscotch eyes.

"Yes, my mother and I just had basic cable, back in the day when I lived in Phoenix. Nothing fancy like HBO or Showtime," she said forlornly. "You're not going to handcuff me to that fancy iron bed of yours, are you?" she asked coyly.

Edward looked confused "Bella, you must have had cable when you lived in Pheonix. I've never seen that show." He mused, " yes, you can wait in my room on my fancy iron bed with the gold comforter." He offered.

"A twin? Just like Adam Chandler had a twin brother Stuart on All My Children! Except Adam was 'evil' and Stuart was 'good'," Bella babbled. "Yes, please take me to a safe place, where I will wait with bated breath for your return," she said breathlessly.

"That's the one! There's my cell phone. Hello, Carlisle..she's back. Victoria. NO, no...um no...well, that's impossible! No..no..A twin? she has a Twin? I'm bringing Bella back to the house right now and we will all go annihilate her together. Thanks, Carlisle." he whispered into the phone.

"Look Bella, I'm not going to put you in any more danger. Victoria has a twin and she's here in Forks and she wants to kill you. I'm taking you back to the house and then Carlisle and the rest, we are all going to go get her and when we're finished, I promise I'll come back and get you and we'll go someplace together, alone." he said hesitantly.

"Ah yes, she is the one with the wicked curve ball in a game of vampire baseball! I remember that she is always trying to kill me because you and your family murdered her beloved mate James. Does that sound about right?" Bella asked, holding on tightly to the side of the Volvo for dear life (or death) as it swerved around yet another curve.

"Bella, you don't remember who Victoria was? it was just a few short months ago that we were fighting her in the meadow. I killed her right before your eyes and you were so brave that you didn't flinch even when I ripped her limbs off and twisted her head off and tossed them all in the burning fire. I guess the transformation made you forgetful. it's ok, my sweetheart. It will all come back to you as soon as you see the latest movie entitled The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" He encouraged her, holding her tightly in one arm while he drove recklessly down the highway toward Forks.

"You are very punny, too, Edward...Breaking Dawn indeed!" Bella replied. "My ghost writer will probably need to do some research to find out who Victoria really is, before we can continue this conversation and storyline."

"yes, my darling. You are very right. You must be gaining some intelligence with your new life as a vampire. Maybe that will be your special power. We can only hope" he sighed. " So, it's almost 'Breaking Dawn' and we must go back to the house and warn the others that Victoria and her 'band' -that was clever, Bella-of newborns are on the lose again." he replied, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her along toward his shiny silver Volvo.

"Well, Edward, if you will scroll down, you will see that dawn was about to break," she retorted. "But apparently through the miraculous hands of YOUR ghost writer, it is still nighttime. Your friend Victoria must be like a starfish, capable of regenerating! Victoria and the Newborns, that sounds like a good name for a rock band!" she tittered giddily.

"I have no idea what you are talking about...we have far more important things to worry about right now. It seems that Victoria is back with a brand new band of Newborns! I thought that when I ripped her head off and tore all her limbs off her body that she was dead but she must have regenerated." he said through clenched teeth.

"My senses have become quite acute since my transformation," she quietly whispered into Edward's exquisitely shaped ear. "What is that in the distance? And, if you'll recall, from several paragraphs ago, dawn was on the horizon, before we decided to get married AND venture forth into the remaining vestiges of the night! Or did I fall and bump my head again and sleep through the day and now it is nighttime again?"

"Ppffft..what others, Bella? There's no one out here except a few chipmunks and some ...some...NO, it can't be! I...NO, it can't BE!" Edward said bewildered and confounded, his face frozen in shock.

Leaning up against the side of the silver Volvo, Bella whispered, "Okay, but let's be quick, as there may be others out there watching us!"

"Forget her! Let your canine friend take care of her for once! Lets do it right HERE!" he moaned uncontrollably.

"NO! Please stop Edward! I think I hear Esse whimpering over in those woods!" Bella cried, struggling to pull her dress down over her legs.

He ran his cool fingers up her thigh and grabbed her bare thonged bottom in his hand.

"I cant wait that long, Bella. Let's do it NOW, right HERE!" he panted, kissing her wildly.

"But Edward, we were going to wait until after the wedding ceremony," Bella said, as the bottom half of her gown accidentally hiked up her slender legs.

Edward darted to the passenger side of his spotless sliver Volvo, opening the car door in a flash. He swung Bella out of the car and took her in his arms kissing her frantically all over. "Esse can wait. We have unfinished business to attend to" He said in a shallow voice.

"I hope you will praise me by lavishing kisses all over my nubile body!" Bella said huskily, as she forlornly watched Edward exit his spotless silver Volvo.

"There is Alice's car. Ironically, you were actually right. Remind me to praise you , just stay in the car and I will take care of this." he said bluntly.

"I am not joking," she said in her usual monotone. "The sooner we get to the reservation to retrieve that papoose, the better!"

" Don't joke at a time like this, Bella!" Edward said curtly. " We're going to save Esse from those ruthless dogs"

"Um, excuse me, but wouldn't it be a lot faster - and safer - if we just 'flew' to the reservation, rather than take a chance in this car? Or are you being paid by the folks at Volvo to plug their vehicle so that others will want to own it as well?" Bella asked, as Edward drove even more maniacally on the highway.

Swerving dangerously off the highway and nearly missing the side of a mountain, Edward did a 90 degree turn on the empty road and headed back toward LaPush and the Quiluete Reservation excelling the speed to well over 80.

" That's it! She's gone and done it now! How dare she take Esse away from me!" he growled.

"First of all, I am NOT mumbling! And with your acute hearing ability, you should be able to understand everything I am saying! Secondly, Alice did say something about taking your beloved Esse back to Jacob so maybe that is where she has gone!" Bella suggested, and quickly flashed Edward one of her milky white thighs.

"Bella, you are mumbling again. Whatever are you talking about?

Doesn't look like Alice has been over to the Sweet Shoppe. The lights are out since it's now 6pm and everything in Forks is closed. I hope she didn't try to drive to Seattle. There are still some leftover nasty newborns prowling and she might get in a fight with one. Let's drive on to Port Angeles and see if she's trying to create mischief with the locals there." he said hastily, looking down at her exposed legs and licking his lips with lust.

"I vaguely remember the Sweet Shop but please keep in mind that my ghost writer just barely made it through the first Twilight book and movie, as she found them both incredibly juvenile and boring! So she is winging her storyline, although I suppose she could look the details up online! Now let's get to this ice cream shoppe post haste and see what mischief my soon to be sister in law has been up to!" Bella said as she tried to straighten her gown in the cramped quarters of Edward's silver Volvo.

"Bella you HAVE bumped your head again. You don't remember the Sweet Shop in Forks? It's the Ice Cream shop in town. You used to go there with your human friends. Although, not actually written into the story, it does exist and we vampires use it as a kind of vampire church on Sunday nights. We have service, eat ice cream and socialize. Alice gets a little wild when she's on a sugar high. She might try to break into the Forks Library after hours or drive donuts in the Forks Outfitter's parking lot. We must hurry! And, sorry about the clothes but Alice will fix it" he said confidently.

"Whoa, wait a minute, please! My ghost writer can't keep up with all this! I may have bumped my head again because I know nothing about the Sweet Shop. Is it a real candy or ice cream store or just a place where vampires hang out, like Fangtasia?" Bella woefully asked. "And don't mess up my clothes!"

"C'mon! Let's hurry and maybe we can catch her before she gets to Forks." he said, grabbing Bella around the waist and whisking her off to his shiny silver Volvo. "She hasn't fed today either. I just hope we get to Forks before she makes it to the Sweet Shop. You don't want to see Alice on a sugar high"

he continued inside the car as they drove down the 101, "when we find her, we have to convince her that you can't really see the future and it won't hurt to mess you up a bit so she can see how inept you are and feel she must fix you up again. That's what we always do when she gets mad at us" he said with a wink while rumpling up her dress, smearing her makeup a bit and tousling her hair. "there! Perfect!" he beamed.

"So Alice is officially 'She Who Must Be Obeyed'. That I did not know! Hey, wait for me!" Bella yelled, her pending wedding totally slipping from her mind as she sped out the door after Edward.

"Bella," he said, laying his hand over hers, " First rule of becoming a vampire and living in the Cullen house is that you don't upset Alice. I read her thoughts and she thinks that you are trying to take over her role as household psychic. She thinks that maybe you developed her talent of seeing the future when you were changed. It could happen but I assure you, NOT with you...anyway, we never upset Alice because she's crazy..as in: ' was in a mental ward' crazy! No telling what she'll do. I have to go and find her before she does anything dangerous...like set the town of Forks on fire" he said rushing out the front door.

"But but but I didn't say anything to her, honestly! I just implied that, according to the Twilight series grapevine, she would marry Jasper eventually! That was it, I swear!" Bella implored.

Edward cleared his throat. It was suddenly very dry. He shook his head " oh, no, Bella, my sweet and loving bride. You are absolutely beautiful. I was thinking of Alice. You really shouldn't have said that to her. You don't know how Alice gets when she's mad..." he said with a strange look in his eyes.

"What's wrong, Edward? Don't you like the way I look?" Bella said, her manly chin pointing skyward towards him.

"yeah, about that ..." Edward said.

"I have no idea! Maybe she is jealous of our happiness. All she said was that she had asked Jasper to marry her and that he had turned down her proposal," Bella said, as she floated down the stairs, all frocked up in her beautiful Victorain style gown. "Well, what do you think?" as she twirled around in her dress and gazed longingly into her beloved betrothed's butterscotch eyes. "Not bad for someone who just gave birth moments ago AND was made into a vampire!" she gloated.

Edward drummed his fingers on the banister.
"Everyone is here. We are getting impatient." he called back. " And, what did you do to Alice? She has stormed out of the house and sped off in her yellow porsche 911! She was thinking obscenities directed toward you and...Jasper?" he added, ruffling his perfectly combed golden locks.

"I'll be there in just a minute," Bella responded, making a few last minute minor adjustments to her hair and gown. "I want to be perfect for you on our wedding night!"

"Bella, my darling." Edward called from the bottom of the stairs. " we are ready to proceed. Are you coming down?" He asked, turning to watch as Alice raced down the stairs and into the other room, slamming something along the way.

"Boyee, what a wedding day or night this is turning out to be," Bella sighed heavily as she started pinning up her hair.

" Oh, so now you can see the future too?" She said, her eyes slanting. "That's my job, Bella! Why don't you go chill, you blood sucking werewolf loving hoe!" She said storming out of the room." Up! You better wear that mop up!"

"Well from what I have heard, according to the Twilight series grapevine, you do end up marrying Jasper, so just chill...which should be easy for you to do since you are a vampire!" Bella chuckled. "Up or down...do I wear my hair up or down?"

Tears welded in Alice's eyes. "Oh, Bella. I'm so sorry. It's just that ...that..." she sniffled, "I asked Jasper to marry me and he won't!" she wailed.

"Why are you trying to ruin my wedding day? Are you jealous of my happiness?" Bella asked. "As for sending Esse to the reservation, you will have to talk to Edward about doing that little thing!" she harrumphed.

"huf! defensive of the half breed mongrel much?" she raised her brows "Fine! I'll help you with your gown but only because you are going to be my sister. I will not, however, call that thing a niece! I am sending her back to that reservation as soon as you leave on your honeymoon!"

"Your quasi niece Esse is just a baby...no wonder she smells at times...plus she isn't used to wearing clothes of any kind since she is only hours old!" Bella huffed. "Now that we have cleared the air, please help me with my gown!"

"OK! I'm just gonna say it right now and get it over with! That mutt, Esse, is a pain in the a! While you and your precious Edward are off frolicking in the woods, I have to clean up after her and she stinks! I'm sorry, but you are going to have to do something about that half breed! She won't even let me dress her up in girl clothes. She's wild, I tell you!" Alice huffed and then taking in another breath, she said "Ok, now that I have that off my chest, go on, get dressed. The minister is here and Edward is anxious to get you married ...and...I am, too..." she said while thinking..so I can finally be rid of that pup!

"About what?" Bella demanded. "About unintentionally being on the reservation or about giving birth to those pups? And what time is the minister supposed to arrive? Do I need to hurry or do we have time for this idle chit-chat?"

"yeah, about that..." she said trailing off.

"Well, excuse me, dear Alice, but I was in tremendous pain while giving birth to Esse and those bastards and just didn't realized that we had trespassed on the precious and sacred Quiluete territory!" Bella exclaimed. "I thought we were on part of the Cullen estate when I popped out those mongrels!"

"yeah, you bumped your head AGAIN. That forest you were in was on the reservation. Technically, Edward wasn't even supposed to be there and it could get us in all kinds of trouble with the natives- you know, Jacob's peeps. Hello! what were you thinking, Bella!" she said impatiently.

"I must have bumped my head again, but I don't think Esse was EVER on the Quiluete reservation, whatever the heck that is!" Bella retorted. "I gave birth to her and the other three misfits on the edge of the forest...or did you bump YOUR head too? Now, will you please help me get into this damned but exquisite wedding dress?"

"Why, thank you. I am an expert on these things, you know!" she said with a smirk. " But, Bella? We need to talk. It's about Esse. the Quiluete tribe is not happy that you took her off the reservation. They want Jacob to file for custody. We have to hurry and get you married so you can be a family. Although...it's going to be hard to convince them that Esse is one ...of ...us." she contemplated.

"I must admit that it's a beautiful dress even though I am not into that kind of haute couture. You are quite the talented vampire," Bella said as she began unbuttoning the hundreds of tiny buttons on the back of the gown.

"I've been standing here the whole time, you dimwit! Who do you think made this dress for you and put this corny wedding together?" she said annoyingly.

" and, here, let me help you with that dress. it's not like I've never seen a girl's naked body before" she said with a wink.

"Why Alice! Where did you come from? How long have you been standing there?" Bella asked, holding the wedding dress up to her naked body.

"Oh, Bella! You are bizarre. Even for a human" Alice said as Edward left the room.

Bella twirled around to concentrate on the task at hand. On the bed was an elegant one-of-a-kind dress, with a long flowing skirt and high-necked blouse made of vintage lace. "How the heck am I supposed to get into this thing?" she muttered to herself. "I am far more comfortable in the loose-fitting clothes I used to wear to school!"

Edward blushed, if that's possible for a vampire. " I am so very sorry,Bella. I was caught up in the moment. Of course, I will leave you to get dressed. See you downstairs for the ceremony" he said glancing over his shoulder to see if he could catch another glimpse of her shapely rear. He might be dead but he was still a man, after all.

Bella turned around quickly to face him; it was obvious that she too was aroused. "Edward, please leave this room NOW! I must get dressed for our nuptials!" she demanded.

His breath hitched. He reached out to brush his cool fingertips across the buttocks.

She leaned over to fondle the dress, brazenly exposing her pale but firm buttocks to Edward's gleaming eyes.

Edward stood speechless. His jaw slacked as he eyed he in awe.

Bella quickly shed her favorite lumberjack shirt and stood defiantly in front of Edward in her birthday suit. "Where is this wedding dress?" she asked boldly. "Is that it, over on the bed?"

"Yes, darling." he said shaking his head to the awful sound of her singing, " if you want to have sex with me then you'd better get that wedding dress on and meet me downstairs in the Parlor in 15mins because I think I hear him coming in now!" His glowing amber colored eyes lighting up.

"Dast that Alice! She is way too efficient! I guess we are going to the chapel and we're gonna get married," Bella sang off-key.

"Neither, it's my tiny silver cell phone and it's on vibrate." and then flipping open the cell phone to read the text message "Aww, I see Alice has secured the minister, some flowers and " he said glancing at her with raised eyebrows " an appropriate wedding dress."

"Is that a candy bar in your pants pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" she purred. "But we need to wait, we haven't been wed yet!"

"Oh. MY. GOD. Bella. You little vamp!" he squirmed as his jeans suddenly became tighter around the crotch.

"Not a problem, as I am not wearing much else," she said, sliding her thong panties and mini skirt down her slim hips, and kicking off her shoes.

"Please do" he replied, his breath becoming quick.

"Well, do you want me to wear the shirt and nothing else?" she said, with a twinkle in her eye.

"Yes. Those lumberjack shirts always turn me on. Especially when you were it two sizes too big and it makes you look like a boy" he complimented her slyly.

"Ooooh stop, that tickles! Maybe the hint of pinkness on my cheeks was merely a reflection from the red plaid lumberjack shirt I am wearing," she suggested.

"Honey, where we're going, we won't need clothes!" Edward teased.
And, Bella? you blushed a little which is not normal for a vampire. Maybe I was not done transforming you. should I bite you again? Here? or here? or even here?" he asked nibbling at her neck, then on her shoulder, then on her wrist as he took her hand in his.

"Yeah, that is a good idea! Maybe the two of us can ransack the closets around here and come up with something romantic for our wedding day...or should that be wedding night?" she blushed.

"Must I do everything for you, Bella? Just get Alice to find something. This is not my department!" he said agitatedly.

"What on earth shall I wear?" she wailed. "Right now I have nothing to wear but the clothes on my back. If you'll recall, when you turned me earlier, I was wearing a mini skirt and my favorite lumberjack shirt that belongs to my father."

"yes, darling, I know. You are a very boring bookworm with no personality and that is why I love you so much! Now! we need to hurry and get ready for the wedding. The minister will be here soon!" he said hurriedly.

"Well you can't pull the wool lumberjack shirt over this girl's eyes! Remember, I read nothing but classics so am familiar with art history through osmosis," Bella said. "And yes, I will never be as beautiful as you," she said quietly to herself.

"No, Bella. Seriously, I was testing you. Of course. Remember that I am much smarter than you and much better looking. Don't ever forget that, honey" he said sternly.

"Yes, with your alabaster skin that is marble-cool to the touch and your extraordinary manly physique that bulges in all the right places, you do resemble the statue of David, by Michelangelo. Did you bump your head, too, and forget who created this statuary masterpiece?" she said, laughing.

"Why, of course not, Bella. You have said yourself that you think I look like the statue of David by leo da vinci.
I would just like a bit of dignity and morality at the wedding to my one and only true love! Is that too much to ask? Bella? " He implored.

"What? Are you jealous of that man-child's toned Adonis-like physique?" Bella teased.

" Plus, I would really just prefer if everyone was fully clothed at my wedding." Edward said.

"Yes, we must be married before Jacob gets here; otherwise he might interrupt the wedding when the minister gets to the part about 'does anyone here know why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony?'" she said worriedly. "What is keeping that minister? Maybe we should just elope!"

"yes, darling. It's quite alright that you can't think straight. Everyone understands that you are such a dim-witted girl but we all love you just the same. The whole Cullen coven has done nothing but try to help you since you have arrived in this podunk town! Honestly, Bella! I don't know how you managed without us!" Edward said, scratching his perfectly shaped head adorned with beautiful golden locks. " I have already notified the sire of this pup and he will be here shortly. However, I hope he is gone before the minister gets here to perform the wedding ceremony because I don't want him interfering with our nuptials"

"I apologize, dearest Edward, but I am having trouble keeping these storylines straight, what with the plots of True Blood, Vampire Diaries, and possibily the Gates floating around inside my dull-witted brain! Not to mention the mother of all vampire stories, Dracula! No wonder I am so confused! And of course Transylvania is in Europe! How stupid of me for forgetting! Will you please use your tiny silver phone and contact the baby daddy about checking on the pup Esse while we are abroad?" she asked.

"Bella. The transformation must have made you bump your head. You know that Transylvania is in Europe. It's where our kind go on vacation. And, I explained the whole vegetarian vampire thing to you in the movie version of our first book, Twilight, so you know all about that too. You must be flirting with me, you cute little vixen." he said coyly.

" Yes, Carlisle is washing Esse up and has made a nice doghouse for her in the back yard. I hope she won't miss us too much while we are gone on vacation. Maybe her father can come by and check on her while we are gone. Are you ready for your wedding day?" he asked hopefully.

"Bella. The transformation must have made you bump your head. You know that Transylvania is in Europe. It's where our kind go on vacation. And, I explained the whole vegetarian vampire thing to you in the movie version of our first book, Twilight, so you know all about that too. You must be flirting with me, you cute little vixen." he said coyly.

" Yes, Carlisle is washing Esse up and has made a nice doghouse for her in the back yard. I hope she won't miss us too much while we are gone on vacation. Maybe her father can come by and check on her while we are gone. Are you ready for your wedding day?" he asked hopefully.

"But if we are vegetarian vampires, I thought we would be dining on such delicacies as tofu and pinenuts, rather than some poor animal who cannot defend itself," Bella said. "I am glad that Esse is being cared for by Dr. Cullen; perhaps he can give that little stinker a bath! But please tell me...is Transylvania near New York?"

" yes, we are vegetarian vampires so we will be dining on animal blood and not human. According to Breaking Dawn, you should be able to control yourself very well so I am not worried. As for Esse, Carlisle has her in his medical lab and he's going to make sure she is taken well care of. I still have a place in my heart for her and we shall raise her as one of us. Even though she kinda stinks like a dog, she has your chocolate brown eyes which I loved so much.

Now, I must see to the wedding details so that we can be wed and have our honeymoon, darling. How does Transylvania sound?" he conferred.

"But I thought you were a vegetarian vampire? Am I going to dine on nuts and pinecones, too, like that back-to-nature guy Ewell Gibbons?" Bella asked, and then looking around said, "Where did that bestial brat Esse go? Is she with Dr. Cullen? Does he have her under lock and key?"

"oooo, my little pet is starting to get hungry!" he smiled mischievously, " I will take you hunting, shortly. I have called the minister on my tiny silver cell phone. Be good while I go talk to Carlisle and the others about the wedding ceremony"

"Haha, very funny...I knew you were going to say that!" Bella sighed, as she snuggled even closer. "Were you able to find a minister? I am ready to tie the knot! Plus I am ravenous!" she growled.

"yes, actually, you really can, now" he lamented.

"I could stay like this forever," she purred.
"you were writhing in pain from the venom and passed out, Bella. It looks like you are making a full recovery and should be a perfectly beautiful vampire in no time!" he said proudly, drawing her close to his chest to kiss her hair.

"I remember the king-sized bed now but still don't recall your carrying me in your manly arms to the mansion. I must have passed out from all the pain. Just hold me, please," she said, looking longingly into his eyes.
"Bella! I am trying to be patient with you and all you keep doing is talking about vampire Bill and those freaks in Louisiana. If you don't stop, I'm going to have Jasper run you down there and dump you off with those folks!
Now, for the last time, and Bella? listen to me-eyes here, baby, right here!" he says pointing to his eyes, "We are civilized vegetarian vampires. We do not live in coffins, we do not die in the sunlight and, apparently, we are friendly with werewolves. OK? so, just come on over here and we can snuggle on my king sized bed until your transformation is over" he said frustratingly.

"Do we get to lay together inside a coffin, like Vampire Bill did with Jessica when he made her into a vampire?" Bella queried, unable to lay still while the venom did its work. "Or do I just toss twist and turn in pain until hell freezes over?"

"just the snot and crub...not the toilet paper...um ..no.." Edward said raising his brooding, bushy eye brows as he clung tightly to her to keep her writhing in control.

"And how about when there is a piece of snot hanging out of my nose? Do you find that sexy too?" Bella said, squirming as the vampiric venom continued to course through her veins. "Or sleep crud embedded in the corners of my eyes? Or the time there was a piece of used toilet paper hanging out of the back of my jeans?"

"No, no, I didn't mean to imply that your boyish figure with no breasts and your pale white skin were not appealing. You are way hot and I am especially turned on when you wear those baggie jeans and those plaid shirts or your father's oversized hunting jacket and I get really really turned on when it's raining out and your hair gets all wet and sticks to the side of your face and baby, whenever you trip and fall in the mud, well, you don't know what that does to me." Edward sighed.

"And just how long does this transformation last? And are you implying that I didn't already have a great figure and clear skin?" she whined.

"oh, my precious Bella! I am so sorry you have to go through such pain but I promise it will be over soon and then you will have a great figure and clear skin ...that... that...sparkles!" Edward exclaimed.

"What is happening to me?" Bella screamed, writhing in agony as the venom coursed through her body towards her heart and other organs. "I didn't realize how painful this transformation was going to be!"

"yes, my darling. We'll have eternity to chat about other women after I've changed you." he said as he injected the final dose of venom into her blood stream.

"Enough of this inane prattle about Sookie Stackhouse! Please concentrate on the task at hand and make me a vampire!" Bella demanded.

"Bella, sorry for my horrible spelling but I was very busy transforming you at the time. And, as for Sookie Stackhouse...is she stacked?" and then rolling his eyes to her reaction, he interjected: " just askin'! "

"Wuthering Heights crap? I am referring to the Sookie Stackhouse series, although the author Charlaine Harris may have taken a liberty or two and snatched some inspiration from the Bronte book!" she retorted and then grabbed his head and pushed it hard into her thigh.

"well, If you had been reading Stephenie Meyer's books instead of that Wurthing Heights crap than you would have know that we do not burst into flames. We only sparkle, thank you! Now be still while I finish!" he quipped as he ducked his head down for yet another taste.

"As much as I enjoy seeing you sparkle in the misty foggy sunlight, I don't want to see you stay outside in the fresh air for too long and then burst into flames like Vampire Bill did on that episode of True Blood," Bella replied.

"BELLA? why are you so obsessed with the sun? It's Forks for goodness sakes. It doesn't matter if the sun come out. there's still cloud coverage. are you that dense? geez! OK, be still so I can finish your transformation. we have to hurry this up so we can go get married. I'm getting impatient!" Edward heaved.

"Yes...whenever you kiss me!" she giggled maniacally. "Hark, is that Old Sol peeking over the horizon?" she tittered.

"do. you. ever. shut. up?" Edward gasped as he tried desperately to pull himself away from her thight.

"OMG, how long is this going to take anyways?" she babbled on.
Ignoring Bella's insistant mumbling, he sank his teeth in deeper, reveling in the taste of her blood.

"Mmmmmmmm, I feel stronger already," Bella moaned, her manly chin pointing skyward towards the rising sun. "But please hurry, Edward, and finish the transformation!"

The vampiric venom injecting into her vein as he clutched her thigh.

Her body tingled from head to toe as her warm copper-scented blood pulsed from her body into Edward's eagerly awaiting mouth.

"yes, yes, I'm doing it" he said impatiently.

He drew in a deep breath of her scent and then he sank his teeth into the exposed vein on the inside of her creamy upper thigh.

"Well hurry then, and let's get it over with," she demanded. "I can't wait to be a bloodsucker...oh no, I see the sun on the horizon!"

"yes, of course I want to keep you!" Edward whispered, the scent of her blood burning his throat.

Staring into Edward's eyes, Bella felt lightheaded as if she had almost forgotten to breathe. "You really do want to keep me, no matter how I turn out?" she gasped. "But...but...where is my little Esse? Did Dr Cullen finally take her away to his lab for safekeeping?"

He could feel the warmth of her skin; the intoxicating sweet smell of her blood rushing through the vein. He pressed his teeth into the area and licked the surface.

Moaning, she thrust her thigh towards him, pressing her tender and willing flesh into his mouth.

He seized her leg tightly with both his stone cold hands, making bruised marks on her delicate skin. He hitched the leg up to him and pressed his open mouth to the exposed vein on her inner thigh.

"Edward, we must hurry! The sun is coming up! As much as I would love to see you sparkle, we really must hurry...or wait until this evening! " Bella implored, as goosebumps rose on her flesh from his cool touch.

Edward moaned with anticipation as he leaned over to smell the sweet intoxicating scent of her blood. He grazed the top of her leg with his icy cold lips, moving slowly as he brushed her inner thigh. He was shaking, now, with want and desire and he could feel the burning in his throat as his lust over came him.

Fortunately Bella was wearing a short skirt for a change, and she willingly and quickly hiked the hem so that her thigh with its soft dewy alabaster skin was exposed to Edward's mesmerizing gaze.

" Bella, always so eager to corrupt my virtue. I am merely changing you into a vampire. We must still get married before we can do that and, yes, darling, I do have lust in my eyes but I can contain myself because I have the self control of a medieval monk! Be patient, my sweet, and show me your creamy white thigh" he informed her.

"Oh! Pardon me! I was sure you wanted to have sex with me right away, with that lustful look in those butterscotch eyes of yours! Do it quickly then, and I will try to keep an eye on Esse, since Dr Cullen has not arrived yet!" Bella hurriedly said.

"Bella! I'm a vampire that drinks blood! you do not need to bathe and I'm going to change you into a vampire not have sex with you - yet!" he fumed.

"Should I bathe first?" Bella said. "And what about Esse? What do we do with her? Is Dr Cullen ever going to get here? I can't 'do it' in front of the pup!"

"There is no time! You are already starting to smell like a dog!" he wrinkled his nose.

"But shouldn't we wait until Dr Cullen gets here and takes Esse to his lab, before you take advantage of me?" she quivered under his sensual touch.

"Carlisle is coming out right now to take her to his lab. He wants to learn more about her kind. We have plenty of time for me to bite your inner thigh. Now, extend your tender little leg for me and let me find just the spot. I promise not to hurt you ...too much" he moaned as he skimmed the length of her creamy, perfectly shaped leg.

"Oh Edward, how you do go on! What about Esse? What shall we do with her?" Bella replied, watching the brat out of the corner of her dim-witted eye.

"Ah! Bella! Come to me right NOW! I can't take it any longer. I. Must. Have. You!" Edward gasped, over come by desire and lust.

"So what's wrong with biting me? Perhaps on my inner thigh, near my private area," she said, blushing. "From what I have seen on the hit HBO series, True Blood, I think the femoral artery is in that area. I understand it is supposed to feel very erotic and sensual when bitten there."

"Ok, that's not good. I just talked to Carlisle and he said he won't come near you. He said that since you were bitten by a werepire that I must bite you to insure that you become a vampire and not a werewolf." He said reluctantly.

"But Edward, I am not wearing ANY underwear! Maybe it's a trompe d'oeil! I am starting to itch now; is that part of the transformation?" Bella said, as she furiously scratched various parts of her body.

"oh, that's right, I prefer Granny underpants. thanks, sweetie!" he said lovingly as he caressed her now tormented face. " Honey? you are starting to get a little hairy around the edges. I think your transformation is starting! I'll be right back with Carlisle!"

"Thongs a lot!" Bella retorted. "But I am not wearing a thong, thank you very much! And yes, Esse and I will do our best not to get into any mischief while you are talking to Dr. Cullen. Please hurry!"

"It doesn't work that way, Bella." Edward said reproachingly "You were bitten. Your transformation into a werepire will soon commence. You and Esse both are transforming! I'm going to get Carlisle. Just stay here and try not to kill each other. And, watch it, your thong is showing!"

"It was an accident, I swear it was! Esse was just too quick, plus she was and still is hungry! But I will go sit in a corner and behave and patiently await my transformation...but wait, I only see one puncture wound...shouldn't there be two? Maybe I will be okay after all!" Bell exclaimed hopefully.

"What have you done? What have you done? I asked you NOT to get bitten and you just stood there and let her nip you! Now, you are going to turn into a werepire and I have no IDEA how I am supposed to be in love with that or have sex with it for that matter! Gee! You have really messed things up this time! Just go sit down over there and start your transformation while I go get Carlisle!" Edward fumed away.

"Yes, Edward," she replied. "What have I done wrong now?"

Edward stopped in his tracks and turned around slowly. He had a look of utter fear on his face. "Bella" he whispered.

"OUCH!" Bella cried out in pain. "I'm afraid it's too late, Edward. I have been bitten!"

"NOOOOO!" Edward shouted, "Don't. LET. HER!"

"But Edward, I think Esse is hungry! I think she is trying to suckle my breast! What on earth shall I do?" Bella said.

Arriving at the Cullen house, hidden deep in the Olympic Forest outside the town limits of Forks, Wa., Edward swiftly sets Esse and Bella down at the drive and runs to the house. " Watch Esse for me but, Bella? DO NOT let her bite you!" he yells back.

"Oh and now you are doing your Groucho Marx impression! This is serious, we must get to Dr Cullen as quickly as possible!" Bella said angrily.

Edward surveyed her tiny frame recently robust from being with pups.

" I would guess at Hardy right now" he said raising his eyebrows.

"Who do you think I am, Oliver Hardy or Stan Laurel? A fine mess indeed!" Bella retorted.

"yes, we will take Esse over to the Carlisle and he can watch her to make sure she doesn't hurt anyone and you and I will go to Italy to get the Volturi! A fine mess you have gotten us into this time, Bella!" Edward grimaced.

"Yes, they can be ruthless and merciless! But consulting them sounds like an excellent idea!" Bella agreed. "Aren't we going to take Esse to Dr. Cullen first?"

"I'm not sure what to call her. We have never heard of this before." Edward stopped to reflect thoughtfully, " we may have to consult the Volturi and, Bella, you know that will not be 'a good thing' " he reminded.

"Does that make Esse a vampwolf or a werepire? Or a wolfpire? Or a vampwere?" she asked, as they hurried back to the house. "The possibilities are endless!"

"Bella, you are such a bookworm. Put down that book and help me get Esse up to the house but be careful!" he groaned, " She's a newborn werewolf vampire now and she might try to bite you..." he glanced at her longingly, " and I would hate it if I were not the first to do so..."

"I have been reading 'Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Vampires but Were Afraid to Ast' in my spare time," Bella replied. "Please hurry, Edward!"

" Good call, Bella! For once, you are using your little brain!" Edward mused, " lets take her to the Cullen house. Carlisle will know what to do!"
He quickly swept the rabid Esse up in his arms and tossed Bella over his back to run through the forest.

"But the sun is coming up! What happens if she is mid-transformation at sunrise? I think you better take her somewhere safe...and quickly!" Bella cried.

" No, Bella, sweetheart. She has been bitten." He said sadly," Don't look at her. She is already starting the transformation" he hung his head in despair.

"It can't be true! Is that even possible? Perhaps it's just a scratch from that briar bush over there," Bella said hopefully, pointing to some shrubbery near the edge of the forest.

"Wait! Esse is hurt! Oh, no! Say it isn't true! It appears that the newborn bit Esse and she is becoming a..a...a.. vampire?" he exclaimed.

"Oh Edward, thank you for saving Esse from that young vampire! I loved how your muscles rippled in the moonlight (fast becoming dawn) as you ripped him to shreds! We must hurry now, because I see the sun on the horizon!" Bella said.

But, Edward already had the newborn in a choke hold, struggling him to the ground. With one rip, he tore the vampire's head off and tossed it across the grass. Blood spurted from the exposed neck as Edward dismembered him and tossed his limbs and body into the pile with the head. He brushed his clean hands and heaved in a heavy breath.

" That's what you get for messing with my Esse!" he said.

"Oh no!" she cried softly. "Please do something, and quickly!"

"Bella, don't move. There is a nasty newborn vampire behind you and he has Esse!" Edward said softly, his still body tense.

"If only we had paid attention to her whereabouts! This is all so new to me! Do you think she might have follwed Jacob and the other three pups into the woods?" she said, her voice trembling.

Edward whipped around at the sound of Bella's shriek. "Esse! where are you? Oh, Bella, where could she be? We must find her right away. I can't bare to think what might have happened to her. I can't read her mind either because she is your child and takes after you that way."

"Yes of course I will marry you, Edward, my vanilla ice cream!" Bella said as she snuggled close to his pale cold body. "Come here Esse...Esse...ESSE where did you go?" Bella screamed.

"awww, Bella, it is the East and you are the sun! Yes, we must hurry. Grab little Esse and I will get the Volvo. We should be back at the house is just a few minutes and we can talk to everyone about the wedding plans because you are going to marry me, right, Bella?" Edward said hurriedly.

"But Edward! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the sun, and we must hurry...and scurry to a safe hiding place where it is dark and dreary!" Bella exclaimed.

"yes, Bella, darling. There is much you must learn about vampires if you wish to be one of us. We can go out during the day so long as it's not sunny. That's why we live in Forks where the sun never shines (except when Marcia Balazs goes there) but never mind about that now. I was able to secure a fake marriage license from Alice. Let us not haste. Let us go to the Friar now my fair maiden" Edward spoke and then shook his head realizing that he had just recited Romeo and Juliet, his most hated play but one that Bella loved.

"Oh Jacob, you will always be my chocolate ice cream," Bella said softly and sadly to herself. Turning to Edward she said, "I merely asked about the marriage license because you were able to attend classes at high school on rainy or cloudy days. I thought that perhaps you had been proactive and had secured one from the county courthouse on one of these rainy days, too. But a document created by Alice and Jasper should work just as well."

Jacob hung his head in misery, " Yes, Bella. I will be fine with the kids. Go ahead and have your fun with that bloodsucker. But, Bella? Remember. I will be here when you come back crawling on your knees, asking me to forgive you and take you back and, Bella? I will always take you back because unlike your paste white, sickly dead lover, I know what's good for you"
Jacob tucked his tail and, in a flash, he was gone!
"humph!" Edward exhaled, " now that he's gone, might I remind you that I am an 108 yr old vampire, Bella? What were you thinking? I can't go to the courthouse for a marriage license, you silly girl! We will get Alice and Jasper to fix one up for us. They can work wonders with legal documents." he pondered.

"Are we going to the courthouse to get the marriage license? Are they even open this time of day...er night...?" Bella queried. "And Jacob, are you sure you will be okay with the three pups?" she called out to him, as he was still standing, somewhat dejectedly, at the edge the forest.

Edward leaned down and scratched the back of her perked ear. " You will love it with the Cullens! Wait until you meet Alice! Bella, we must drop her off at the house and then we need to be alone for a while" he winked.

Her head cocked, Esse looked inquisitively at Jacob, then Bella. "Yes Esse, you must stay with us," Bella said.

"yes, Esse. Since you have imprinted on me, you must stay with our kind. You will forget your wolf ways soon as we raise you up as a vampire!" Edward said gleefully.

"Esse, you need to stay with Edward and me. But I promise that we will let you visit your brothers and sister occasionally," Bella said.

Jacob gives a short woof woof woof from the edge of the forest and all four pups perk up and run, tails high in the air. Esse stops midway and turns, her chocolate brown eyes gleaming. She runs back to Edward and nips at his pant leg.

"Come here, Larry! Moe, get your tail over here! Curlette, what are you doing? Get out of that trash! It's time to go with your papa Jacob!" Bella said.

"Okay, Okay! I'm not getting any

older here! Lets get this show on the road or I'm going back to school and find those little friends of yours to play with. But, Bella? Don't forget to save Esse for me!" he said with a sheen in his eye.

"Yes, Edward, but be patient...I have to gather up the babes for Jacob first," she replied.

"Excuse me, but I'm still standing here!" Edward said, elbowing Jacob out of the way, " Bella! Remember that we have 'business' to attend to. Can we get rid of this flea bag and get on with it?"

"And you know that I will never stop loving you, Jacob! It's kinda like loving two different flavors of ice cream..." she trailed off dejectedly.

"Well, Bella, I will take all the pups except that stupid runt and go back to my den." He said, forlorned," you have made your choice, but, Bella? I won't stop loving you and I won't give up on you until your heart stops beating!" He said with such longing in his eyes.

"Yes and no, Jacob. Yes, I am ready to give you all the pups but the small runt we have named Esse, and no, I cannot go to your den, for I am afraid I am more in love with Edward than with you," she sadly explained. But she couldn't stand hurting Jacob, for they were eternally connected because of their past relationship, and the miserable pain in his eyes caused little stabs of woe in her heart.

"Yes, Bella! I am preparing a large den for you and our wonderful new family! Are you ready to come home to me, Bella? with our little babies? Bella?"

he called back to her, ears perked, coat shining in the slivers of moonlight shining through the tree tops.

"I think I see him in the distance, on that hill, standing under the full moon!" Bella exclaimed happily. "Jacob, is that you?"

"Maybe he has abandoned the pups altogether." he moaned, " it figures he would do something like that to foil our plans of matrimonial bliss. If I ever lay eyes on that dog again...I swear, I'll ...I'll..." he clinched his fist in anger.

"I will give them up as soon as Jacob arrives, I promise! But first I feel I am in need of a bath prior to our nuptials and consummation of lerve!" Bella said. "What on earth could be detaining Jacob?"

"Oh Bella, you sexy wench! Toss those pups to their mongrel father and come hither right away! I want to nibble on your toes and ankles!" he gasped.

"Why Edward, how you do go on! The babies' needle-like teeth were nibbling on my toes and ankles! Maybe they are hungry and in search of something more fulfilling. I am glad that Jacob is on his way here to rescue us from these dastardly pups so we can tend to our other business!" Bella winked knowingly and then looked longingly into Edward's ever-darkening butterscotch eyes.

"Yes, dear Bella. I have already called that mutt to come get his bastards - all but Esse, that is.

Now, tell me again how those semi-lupine pups were nipping at your slender ankles..I would like to try that" he said mischievously.

"Okay, Edward, I will summon my shape-shifting ex lover and the father of these pups! But I must have misplaced my cellphone during the birth of these semi-lupine bastards! Is there a way that you can contact him telepathically?" she asked.

My excuse is that I am a 108 yr old vampire that needs to get his groove on with the love of his life and these pups and Jacob Black are standing in my way!" he grumbled.

"Okay okay, don't get your Victorian and Mormon panties in a wad! I am having a bad case of postpartum depression, but what's your excuse? I will contact Jacob as soon as I can get these mutts to stop nipping at my slender ankles!" Bella promised.

"Listen, Bella. This is not my problem. I didn't get you tangled up in this trouble. I asked you to stay away from Jacob Black and those wolves down at La Push, but, NO..you wouldn't listen to me. Now look at you. You're a freakin' mess with those mangy pups running around. Give those dogs to Jacob and lets be done with this whole thing. I'm getting impatient here. Will you or will you not MARRY ME so we can have s-e-x?" he fumed, his, now red eyes, glaring.

"Are you sure you can entrust Jacob with the remaining three? Just throw them to that pack of wolves? Just like that?" she snapped her fingers.

"Great!" he rejoiced, " it's just a matter of time, now! Tell Jacob Black to come get his pups so we can get on with our romance. You don't mind keeping Esse do you? she loves me and there is so much of my wonderfully sparkly goodness to go around"

"Well, since they are half super-powered werewolf instead of 100% human being weakling, I would think no more than a few days! In fact, I think I see some razor-like teeth in the little rascals' mouths now!" Bella exclaimed happily. "And I think Esse is a beautiful name for the creature you claim imprinted you," she added.

"hmmm...well, you know how I don't like to compromise but I guess I could give in to that little thing." he mused. " how long before the baby mongrels can be dropped off? Remember, we still have unfinished business to attend to!"

"Hmmmm, I just don't know, Edward. I will have to think about it. Maybe Esse, instead of S.E., which means being or to be, in Latin? How does that sound? Are you willing to compromise in that way?" she looked pleadingly into his deep butterscotch eyes. "And I hope that the other three can be dropped off at the local animal shelter for adoption once they are fully weaned!"

"Humor me, Bella. The pup and I are in love and I like that name! We could call her S.E. for short?" he begged.

"Sarah Elizabeth IS a pretty name but it's just too commonplace. I was hoping for a name that is more unique. Plus, what business is it of yours since you are not even the pup's father?" she retorted.

" I was thinking that Sarah Elizabeth would be pretty. It's in honor of Jacob's mother, Sarah, and my mother, Elizabeth. They are both deceased now, you know." he reminded her.

"You don't think it will upset Jacob that his daughter has imprinted on me, do you?" he asked, his topaz eyes gleaming with pride.

"Well, my darling Edward, you seem to be smitten with this one pup in spite of the fact that you did not sire her. Since Jacob is the baby daddy, might I suggest the name Jacobella? Or would that name cause you much pain and suffering since it would be a constant reminder of the pup's origin?" Bella asked. "Or perhaps we could call her Lonette, in honor of Lon Cheney Jr who played the Wolf Man in the 1941 movie of the same name!" she exclaimed. "Or Bella Luna, which means Beautiful Moon!"

" I will forgive you, my silly dull witted girl. I see you have been reading up on you bio and using geographically correct slang such as bodunks! Very good! Now, please tell me what the newborn runt's name is? I have such a fascination with her!
It's like having you and Jacob Black all in one! Aww... The endless possibilities!" He rejoiced.

"I do hope you will forgive my naivete Edward. Please remember that I am, simply put, a dull-witted child who led a sheltered life in Phoenix Arizona before moving to this podunk town they call Forks! And yes I can understand how this little one can be in love with you. In spite of your humongous ego, you are still impossibly beautiful, with your marble-like skin and full lips! Even the delicate purple bruises under those topaz colored eyes are breathtaking. You are a true Adonis!" Bella swooned.

"Bella, darling, you are so naive. Yes, we are mortal enemies. That's true. However, there are always those mysteries on Earth that we can not explain and according to Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight Franchise, it is possible that a werewolf could imprint on a vampire...as strange as it sounds. I believe your little one is in love with me." he explained " and, I'm not surprised seeing how everyone else on the planet is.." he trailed off looking smug and conceited.

"But but but...I thought a werewolf could never imprint on a vampire because a werewolf instinctively finds a vampire repulsive and offensive smelling! Are you sure that is what happened? Maybe she just thinks you are her baby daddy!" Bella retorted.

"I think she may have imprinted on me" Edward said sheepishly.

"Oh Edward, I was merely asking you if the pups' chins were prominent and masculine like mine is, or more soft and feminine like yours. Believe me, I KNOW that you are not the father of the litter! And what is it about that female runt that attracts you so?" she demanded.

"Bella, you must have bumped your head while giving birth! I am not the father so, no, they do not have my womanly chin. They do, however, all have your manly girl chin as well as Jacob's ripped biceps and sixpack. They are a fine litter! I am especially drawn to one of the little females. There is something about her and I can't stay away from her..it's as if...NO! it can't be happening!" he exclaimed.

"And do they have my manly jutting chin as well? Or weak womanly chin like yours?" she demanded to know.

"Yes, well, I told you not to befriend that mongrel, Jacob. But, yes, Bella, you have 4 wonderful little wolf pups. 2 boys and 2 girls.

They are beautiful, if I may say so myself. I'm rather fond of the little bastards. They have your chocolate brown eyes..." he pondered affectionately.

"FOUR? The doctor assured me that my litter had only three pups! Doesn't he know how to read a sonogram properly? And how dare that irresponsible Jacob Black leave me at a time like this! After all, he is the sire of this litter!" Bella growled.

"Ewww! they really are popping out. gross! Your lover, Jacob Black, has tucked his tail and made a run for it, the mangey mutt. Just hold on Bella! You are doing fine! I see four little pups so far and they are cute as hell...umm...I mean, they look just like their mama!" Edward stated softly. His face relaxing; butterscotch eyes filled with love.

"No wait, please don't do that, Edward! It's too late! I think the pups are getting ready to pop out on their own!" Bella panted. "Jacob, why did you do this to me?" she howled miserably.

"Yes ma'am, yes ma'am!" The vampire and werewolf said in unison.
"I've got you Bella! It won't be long now. I'll just use my super strong teeth to rip those puppies out!" Edward added.

"Carlisle? He and Esme are on Goat island hunting. They won't be back in time. I will have to perform the Csection myself. Kindly ask your Dog to step aside. Let's get you to the operating room" he said, sweeping her up in his arms.

"Bella, I want to help you. Truely. I do. But, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no puppies and it seems that Edward is taking you off to do the Csection. You are in capable hands and as much as I hate to say it, Edward has more to offer you than me. Like eternal life for starters! But, Bella, just remember that I won't stopping loving you and I won't give up on you until your heart stops beating!" Jacob replied, his thoughtful eyes moist with tears; his naked chest flexing with each deep breath he took.

"QUIET!" Bella bellowed. "All of this fighting over moi isn't helping matters at all! Will somebody please just get the damnable pups out of my belly?"

"I am beginning to think you are, Jacob! I need a man (albeit a young short one) who can be with me in both sunlight and moonlight! Please hurry!" Bella moaned, as yet another spasm shook her now limp and almost lifeless body.

"Right away, Bella! And, Bella? You know that I am the right man for you? That I would never leave you to go to the library just to look up some dumb page number. Especially during a delicate time such as this. You know that, don't you, Bella?" He asked, his tanned muscles flexing with each breath he took.

"But...some of my classmates are quite hirsute, and I don't just mean the girls! But please hurry and turn yourself into that wretched beast so that I may grasp your manliness before the next spasm occurs! Is there a full moon tonight?" Bella weakly asked.

"Yeah. About that. I'm only 16 so technically, I don't have adult growth yet. But, when I change to a wolf I'm very hairy. Want me to do that now?" He boasted.

"But Jacob," she replied, "it is hard for me to hold on tight to you as you are completely hairless! Why oh why did you wax your musclebound arms, pulchritudinous pecs, and awesome abdomen?"

"Bella. I'm here to rescue you from that leach and deliver my puppies! Hold on tight to my warm, ripped biceps." A shirtless Jacob said, flexing his muscles.

"Oh no!" Bella cried. "I am speaking out of sequence now...oh Jacob, you dirty dog, how could you do this to me?"

" There's no time for that! I think I need to perform the C section and here comes your dog, Jacob, now!" He said with just a hint of reluctance in his voice.

"Oh yes, please ask Dr Cullen to help us! Remember the time that my father said

"Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world"? I would feel totally safe in his most capable hands!" Bella yelped, as another spasm hit her.

"No, of course not, you silly girl! I read minds! I don't need a cell phone. I was hoping you would do this and I wouldn't have to get...my ...hands...dirty, you know?" he sighed. " I guess I could telepathize Alice and see if she can ask Carlisle to come over."

"I forgot to bring my cellphone! Do you have yours?" she cried.

" OMG! BELLA! you are giving birth! Hurry, call Jacob, call Charlie, call the veteranarian!" he yelled.

"Then I wonder what it could be that is pushing against the private area of my lower body?" she blushed.
"No. my manhood is neatly secured." he said reproachably.

"Yikes, I wonder what it was then? Are you sure your manhood is not responding to my being in your arms?" she asked.

"ummm..Bella, my love, that wasn't me." he said quickly, shooting her a puzzled look.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm, that feels good," she purred.

" Oh, Bella..." he chimed back, sighing contently.

"Oh Edward..." she sighed happily.

"Bella, honey, I know you are a little slow but honestly! Must I spell everything out for you?NO! you must have that blasted litter first. I can not be near you whilst you are with litter. Wolves and my..kind.. are mortal enemies! Do you want to risk being killed? Maybe we can just snuggle for a bit. Come here" He quipped impatiently, wrapping his strong capable arms around her.

"Do we have to wait until the litter is born?" Bella queried. "Or can the exorcism be performed right away?"

" that would be lovely, my darling" he said contently.

"Perhaps Derek and Julianne Hough and Marie and Donny Osmond can perform a Mormon exorcism via a clever song and dance routine and cleanse my body and soul in preparation for the moment I can marry you and finally have s-e-x with you," Bella suggested.

"no, I'm afraid not. What's done is done. Bella, I'm a vampire not a magician for goodness sake, you silly girl!" he sighed. " we will just have to wait until the litter is born, Jacob Black takes them off our hands, we ask the Salt Lake City Mormon Tabernacle Choir or whomever to cleanse you of all of your wrong doings and then we can marry! ...and, then, have ( s e x)" he whispered.

"But...but...what about Jacob and me? Can you wave your magic vampiric wand and make this litter that is growing inside me...make it disappear?" she wondered aloud.

" Bella, you really did hit your head...the Mormon law says you have to wait until you are married to have s-e-x" he whispers.

"The Mormon law? Please refresh my memory!" She replied.

"Oh blast it all! Come to me, Bella! I can not wait! But, you haven't answered my question...will ... you...marry... me? (according to Mormon law, of course.." he quipped.

"As you wish, Edward. I will try to wait two more weeks until these bastard pups are born," she whimpered.

Edward's brewing dark eyes glarred at her: " NO, Bella, I can not! I will not lay with a woman who has puppies inside her. Do you realize that the wolves and I are mortal enemies? I might try to kill you, Bella! Are you insane?"

"Oh please, Edward! This pregnancy has my hormones surging! I simply cannot wait another moment! Please lay with me!" Bella weeped.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I can not do the deed whilst there are dogs inside you. it just goes against the whole folklore that we vampires have built and maintained so meticulously. To even think that Ms. Meyers would have you in a love triange with the two of us is absurb! We shall have to wait and even then... I don't know..." he said hard heartedly.

"I lerve you, too, Edward! As soon as these pups are born, we can be together, I promise! Unless you can't wait that long and want to consummate our lerve right now," she sighed.

"Oh, Bella, I can't lie" he sighed, " I would never leave you no matter what animal genre you were giving birth to! I love you so much! I can't wait until we can consumate our love!"

"No wait, I think it was a false alarm! Please don't go! All this pressure on my bladder, I think I just wet my pants and nothing more!" Bella begged.

"Eww.." he retorted, " I'm getting the hell out of here! Call Jacob, call Charlie, call a..a.. veterinarian!"

"OH!" she cried. "I think my water broke!"

" well..." he said, breathing out his intoxicating scent as he pressed his lips against her neck, "as the Twilight books and the Mormon faith dictate, we must...ummm... get married, first, Bella! "

'Edward! What is it? What could possibly be wrong?" Bella pleaded.

"oh,my Bella, there are no words to express the great joy I have in knowing that you, too, want to concieve a demon child. However, there is one little problem that we have not yet talked about..." he trailed off, not wanting to upset her.

"Jacob has promised to take care of them from the moment they are born. I too long for that special child that we have already named Renesemee!" Bella replied, as she looked longingly into Edward's deep warm butterscotch eyes.

Edward looked perplexed. He raked his fingers through his golden locks and said " I suppose that dog will come and claim his mutts and take them to find new homes? I shan't have them running around everywhere in my home! but, yes, Bella, I would like to try to give you a vampire baby, as well. I think you will find the experience much more satisfying, if you know what I mean.."

"Don't worry, Edward!" Bella cried. "This litter should be born in a couple of weeks, and then you and I can start our own little family!"

" but what about the baby we were supposed to have? the half human half vampire demon child we were to name Renesemee? she was to look just like me but have your chocolate brown eyes! Bella, you have really disturbed the order of things! you and that ..that..DOG!" he moaned.

"We only 'did it' a few times, Edward, I promise! But without protection..." her voice trailed off.

Edward's jaw was slack. He was turning pale, if a vampire could possibly turn more pale.

" I . Don't. Understand..." he trailed off.

"Yes, dearest Edward, I am afraid it's true! The sonogram reveals a litter of triplets!" she sadly whispered.

Edward writhed in agony "NO! it can't be! Bella, you are having ...puppies?"

"It's just I haven't been totally honest with you," she cried. "I said that my Aunt Flow was visiting me...well, that's not true...I am carrying Jacob's child!"

"Yes?" He asked with baited breath stroking her arm, running his hand down to her hand and knitting his fingers with hers.

Subject: Re: Why does Bella always look constipated?

"Of course I do, my dearest, it's just, it's just..." she sighed and turned away.

" what it it, my darling? do you not want the same thing?" he asked, his eyes inquisitve and strained.

She pulled away, breathing hard, her shoulders heaving.

"I need to be with you. Just you." he pleaded, unleashing the full force of his eyes on her.

Pulsing, running through her veins.

Her heartbeat becomes quick. He can feel the heat of her blood beneath her skin.

His lips and tongue gently nibble on her neck.

He pulls her closer, fighting her resistence. He brushes his lips against hers.

She fights back, trying to resist his unearthly charms.
He grabs her around the waist and pulls her to him.

(silence)

" My Bella!" he gasped.

"Oh Edward..." she swooned.

"Oh Bella! Come hither now! I can't take wait any longer!" he swore breathlessly.

"Edward, please do that little thing, for I am all yours!" Bella panted breathlessly.

"Then, perhaps I can replace it with the image of us making sweet love together in my bed chamber, dearest Bella, come to me! come to me!" he whirled at her.

"I dunno Edward, the image of you with my father is forever imprinted in my mind," Bella sobbed.

" I am so sorry to offend you. Please accept my deepest apology! I vant to suck your bluud! Please, Bella, please! let me have my way with you!" he begged vehemently.

"Well once is enough and one time too many! Don't ever let it happen again!" she harrumphed.

" not to worry my dearest darling! it was before I met you. Charlie had an istant attraction to me and I just couldn't resist the temptation. I only have eyes and (teeth) for you now" he eluded to.

"And just how and when did you pleasure yourself with my father?" Bella sadly queried.

"no, no, Bella!" he exclaimed. " don't feel that way. it was only once and although I did enjoy it, I find you more appealing and would like YOU to spend eternity in my bed!"

"Blah and blek!" Bella screeched. "If I lay with you, it will be like laying with my father, since you have 'found joys in his wondrous loins'!"

"no of course not, Angelic Wonder! I would never suspect you of incest! Even with your sexy father, Charlie.

However, I found joys in his wonderous loins and I can tell you that his blood is almost as sweet as yours!" he rejoices.

"Oh Edward, I am indeed embarrassed. You intimated that I had had a relationship with my dear papa, but unbeknownst to me, it was YOU who had 'gotten into him'! What a relief it is to find out that I had not lain with the man who fathered me!" Bella gasped.

" What I was trying to tell you, my fair darling, is that your father and I had a short encounter just weeks before your arrival. He stopped me on the outskirts of town for speeding and I glamoured him and had my way with him. It was then that I read his mind and found out that you would be arriving in Forks." He mustered up.

"Alas my dearest Edward, being the new kid on the block in Fork, it is difficult for me to remember who everyone is in this hick town! Thank you ever so much for naming names! However I do have an inkling of a memory of riding in my truck with my father." She blushed.

"yes, my love, Bella, you have bumped your head too many times as well as being so dazzled by me that you may have forgotten the names of all your school buddies. Jessica and Angela were your bffs before Alice and I came along and Eric was one of the lads trying to get in your pants that you were way too stupid to notice; and, well, Lauren, ummm, she was that dumb blond schoolgirl that dumped you as a friend only it didn't happen quite that way...but, I mustn't talk about that" he turned away distraught.
" I shouldn't even mention Mike Newton or, God forbid, your father!"

"Please refresh my memory, dearest Edward, as I barely skimmed the first book in the series on which our lives are based!" Bella pleaded.

"yes, and there are more, I confess" he said forlorned.

" I deflowered your friend, Angela, and also Lauren, although, I'm afraid.." he dropped his head.
" that didn't end so well..."
"and, Bella? how opposed are you to bisexuality? Because, do you remember the young man they called Eric?"

"JESSICA!" she cried. "No wonder that skank has been sporting a Mona Lisa smile on her homely face!"

"I am ashamed to say, my dearest Bella, that I have been with quite a few women in my many years on earth as a vampire. It's not easy to look this good and have women throwing themselves at you. I may not be human but I still have urges, my sweet. I am not happy to tell you that my most recent conquest was your good friend, Jessica." Edward grimaced.

"Oh Edward, how could you? I have only been with Jacob, I swear! How many others have you been with, pray tell? I realize that you are much older than I and have had to satisfy your needs, but just how many harlots have there been?" Bella sobbed.

" My loin is throbbing with pain at the thought of you with another man!" he says angrily.

" But, alas! We all make mistakes. I will forgive you in due time and you shall try to forgive me of my womanizing ways whilst in Forks. You see, Bella, it was not only my vampire sister that i have lain with...there have been others..many others..." he says with ragged breath.

"It will be a Red Letter Day for both of us...or should I say Night?" she asked coyly. "But are you not upset that you will not be the first to have his way with me?" Bella said reluctantly.

"the lady doth protest too much!' I can not wait for your menses to end. I must have you now! Come hither to me, my darling, Bella!"

"Edward darling, don't count on it...the gibbous moon and the ebb and flow of my menses have aroused me in such a way, that I may not be able to wait a fortnight! I may have to find my pleasure elsewhere!" Bella moaned.

"Alas! that blasted friend! Must that always get in the way? I'm sure your puppy doesn't mind it ever so much as I do! we shall have to wait a fortnight but I swear to you on my mother's ugly ring that I will have you as my own!"

"Oh yes! And by the light of the silvery moon! But don't forget my little friend who has come to visit me. Shall we wait until the red tide has dissipated?" she queried.

" Bella, I have always thought you to be drab and, frankly, a bit boring. However, you have finally awaken me with a brillant idea! the wolf boy has fine abs and a cute little butt. I think this might just work. Shall we go camping together?"

"Oh, please don't harm Jacob!" she cried. " Perchance the three of us can enjoy the pleasure of each other's company in a menage a trois!"

"I will kill that DOG!" Edward said; fire shooting from his eyes.

"Well, truth be told, I haven't been completely faithful to you either! The studly and lupine Jacob Black has had his way with me, more than once! And, he was the one who deflowered me!" she vehemently retorted.

"Bella, my darling, now, don't be upset but I haven't been complete true to you. I have been servicing the one they call 'Rosalie' when I'm not with you" Edward sighs.

"Oh Edward, pray tell, what is it you are trying to tell me?" Bella responded reluctantly.

"Ah, but, there's something I should tell you about me and that slattern, Bella..." he looks away forlorn.

"You better leave that slattern alone, Edward! Or you will rue this day forever!" Bella threatened.

" stay away,Bella! this could be dangerous for you! Alas! I knew something would stand in our way!" He retorted. " Do you mind if I go find solace with that sexy vampire sister of mine?"

"Oh Edward, I fear that we must wait...my little monthly friend has come to visit me!" a dejected Bella cried.

"Oh, my dearest, Bella, you won't be dissappointed!" Edward said excitedly.

"I vlad to be alone with Edward...I will meet you in your room tonight as you wish!" she said submissively.

"Vampire Bill! How dare you run to arms of that villian! I won't have it,Bella, surely I won't! Meet me in my room tonight and , I swear, as the Volturi be my witness, I will pleasure you for eternity!"

"Alas my darling Edward, if that is the case, I fear that I must seek my pleasure elsewhere, namely in the manly arms of Vampire Bill!"

"My Darling, Bella! I fear I am not man enough to please you nor am I worthy of your wondrously virginal pleasure trouthe."

"Oh Edward...I can't wait to have your throbbing manhood mount my altar of love!"

"Alas, my Ass! Bella! I don't care what Stephenie Meyer wrote in her damn books! I am taking you to my bed immediately, you Harlot!"

"Alas, Edward, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do," Bella sighed.

"Oui, darling, si vous insistez."

"Edouard, mon cher, laissez les Bon Temps rouller...a bientot!" she declared.

" you do that little thing, Bella! But, just don't come running back to me when you are dissappointed by those crazy vamps in Bon Temps! I'm telling you, they are not like us!"

"Then perchance I will take my throbbing loins elsewhere!" she harrumphed.
"NO! Bella, we must wait as DICK-tates by Ms Meyers!" he said impatiently.

"Ooooh Edward, just once, please, let's do it just once...I don't want to wait!" she cried in agony.

"yes, it is, my darling Bella, but don't get too excited yet. The lady that wrote our story is Mormon and Alas! we must wait until marriage!"

"Oh my! It's so big!" she swooned.

"Oh, Edward," she sighed contentedly, "you are so manly."

He muses, "It looks as though I will have to use my special tool to rescue my fair damsel from her condition of costiveness."

Edward sits up straight and says: I'll not have any of those Bon Temps vampires sucking and plunging on my beloved Bella!

Not to mention the sucking part...

And she says maybe you should call vampire Bill from over in Bon Temps LA! I heard he was good at plunging!

And he says: maybe I should give it a try with my super duper huge vampire..umm...yeah...or maybe I should just call Roto Rooter!

And Bella replies: I have already tried that, Edward, and it just isn't working...have even used a coat hanger and that damn twister of a turd is still stuck inside!

caption reads: Edward: I don't know, Bella, but you might want to start using fiber in your diet.

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