Full Title: The Lost Bizarre Travels of Uchiha Itachi and Hoshigaki Kisame before they come to Konoha! A Side Story to "Can They Be Trusted?" by Natsumi Takara; written by Believing in tomorrow.

Full Summary: Ever wonder what happens between Itachi and Kisame during their mission to Konoha? Well wonder no longer! Introducing a parody of their journey to Konoha; related to "Can They Be Trusted?" so set in the winter.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. I am not a Japanese male anime/manga designer; I am a simple 18 year old American girl just having fun with his awesome characters.

Chapter 1: Sake (rice wine) with a Weasel and Shark do not Mix!

It had started off innocently enough.

The two had left for Konoha about an hour or two ago after Pein gave them a "short" debriefing (meaning it was long and practically pointless) when cravings ensued and, when a craving comes, there's pretty much nothing that can stop it.

Itachi desperately wanted some of his favorite sweets, the almighty colored dumpling and Kisame wanted something, anything to sink his teeth into, no pun intended. So they find a small shop in the heart of a small little village tourist would come and see for odd legends and interesting myths. Unfortunately, that small shop was holding a sake drinking contest, the winner getting a free meal and a nice sum of money.

Now the two haven't gotten their irregular paychecks from a certain greedy miser in a week and they needed money. Why the hell Pein did not tell Kakuzu to give them money before they left (aware the quest they took on posed a long, difficult one), they would never know and is anyone's guess.

The Kiri-nin had at first suggested they just "raid the damn shop", but Itachi refused to partake in the destruction. They were proud S-rank criminals, not desperate (okay maybe a little…), pathetic, low lives, although being an S-rank Nuke-nin is typically associated with those attributes. Faced with either starvation or possible prostitution, they entered in the contest, Itachi included.

BIG. MISTAKE.

Kisame, no surprise really, won; who could beat a huge shark man over six feet tall with that toned body? No one that's who. At least not any normal guys. Itachi got in fourth, shockingly; apparently the weasel had a high tolerance to alcohol, despite his smaller body frame. After the two drank, the sake started to take its devious effect on their mental state of mind; they wobbled out the shop, completely under the influence.

"Realla, yar realla wannna do it 'Tachi?" (Really, you really want to do it, Itachi?)

"Suuuuurrreeee…Kiiissssaaammmeeee," slurred Itachi, giggling, "noh wans watchin ussss…" (Sure…Kisame, no one's watching us.)

Itachi and Kisame look at each and giggle stupidly; they wrap their arm around the others' shoulder and proceed to skip/stumble down the path drunkenly.

"He's my best friend best of all best friends do you have a best friend too?" sing the two very badly in falsetto and many slurs. "He tickles in my tummy; he's so yummy, yummy, hey you should get a best friend too!" (Song: Best friend by Toy Box; I don't own this either! You should listen to it, lol)

The two Akatsuki members collapse momentarily on the snow afterwards.

"O-Kar!" cried Itachi suddenly. "Nu plaaannnn! Lesssss mack some sner anlges, Kiiisssaaammmeee!" (Ok! New plan! Let's make some snow angels!)

"Or-kay, 'Tachi!"

Passing tourist bust a gut over the hilarious sight of two supposedly hardened S-rank criminals laying spread eagle on the ground make 'sner anlges' as they called it and snap a few shots.

"Har, har, har dis isss fun, 'Tachi!" (Ha, ha, ha this is fun, Itachi)

"I noses, Kiiiisssaaammeee!" sniggered Itachi. (I know, Kisame!)

Suddenly a deep male voice fills their sake induced mind and the cease all movement temporarily.

"Itachi, Kisame are you two doing alright? How far are you away from Konoha?"

"Le-er-sa-ma? Is dat uuuuu?" (Leader-sama? Is that you?)

"…The hell?! Kisame, are you drunk?!"

"Noooohhhh, wa mack yar say dat, Le-er-sa-ma?" asked Itachi chortling. (No…what makes you say that, Leader-sama?)

"Itachi?! You too?!" he gaped stunned that he of all people was intoxicated; he'd expect it with Kisame, hell he'd even expect Tobi to be drunk, but never Itachi.

"What the hell's going on? Didn't I say absolutely no damn drinking while on missions?! Didn't I?!"

~Flashback~

Pein stared firmly at two of his most dependable (well…generally) members in this organization, aside from Konan that is.

"Ok, so you understand that I don't want you to capture the Kyuubi boy, right?"

"Yes, for the last 100th time Leader-sama!" groaned Kisame and he wasn't exaggerating either; Pein could go on for hours explaining the missions he gives out, even days. For Pete's sake, they weren't stupid…well except maybe Hidan and Tobi.

"Well, I'm mainly saying this for you, Kisame, because we all know you can get carried away sometimes."

"What, I didn't mean to behead our last client! But he was pissing me off! Every time I looked he was always cracking a shark joke! He'd go: 'Oh, I'm feeling shark soup for dinner to tonight, how 'bout you?' and 'You'd be a good catch for the merladies out there' or, oohh, how 'bout this one; 'So Kisame who was the great white, your mom or dad?'!!"

Hidan guffawed loudly while chuckles could be heard amongst the members, even Pein and Konan.

"All of you shut the hell up! Do you have any idea how much that hurts? I have feelings too!" he sobbed.

"There, there, Kisame…" said Itachi, patting the poor, distraught Kisame, albeit also hiding a grin at the jokes; he had to admit, they were funny. Sure they were mean and corny, but funny nonetheless just because it was Kisame.

During that particular mission, Itachi had exhausted himself out on struggling not to just laugh, for he knew Kisame was very sensitive to things like that; the minute they got back to base, he madly ran for his room, leaving Kisame to report to Pein of what he did and face punishment alone, locked his door, and bouts of crazed laughter was heard all throughout Akatsuki and quite possibly the damn whole area.

Kisame's punishment for killing the important client wasn't too bad since Leader (and Madara) had had a great kick out the jokes he had told him from their departed client. So Pein (with the aid of Madara) made the shark nin do the all the laundry (that was the worst; have you ever seen a pile of dirt men's clothes?! It's not a pretty or rose smelling thing) and retouch everyone's fingernails and toenails with their set nail color. Then it was off to rehabilitation for our beloved shark-nin…and he hasn't be relatively the same since.

And Itachi, well…he didn't get in any trouble from Pein at least…But the Uchiha had never laughed so much in his life all in one moment and breath. He was left in tears, a splitting headache, and, like his partner, sent on a one-way trip to a psychologist (again, damnit!). Anyway, moving on…

"All of you don't traumatize him more than he already is!" hissed Itachi.

"Ehem, Itachi's right," muttered Pein, clearing his throat. "Anyway, you two be careful in Konoha since they know you've been there before even though it was a while back and traveling over there too. Oh and let me make this very clearly, because it is important and italicized: Absolutely no damn drinking on any missions! That goes for everyone—Deidara!"

"Well I'm sorry Leader-sama for the thousandth damn time I blew up our last base when I came back drunk, un. What do you want me to do, get on my knees and grovel and kiss your feet?" asked the blonde sardonically.

"…Actually that's not a bad I idea—"

"I am not gonna degrade myself for you, you bastard!"

"Tch. Fine. Just a thought. But back to what I was saying before: no damn drinking on any missions!"

"What ya gonna do, huh?" scoffed Hidan.

Pein raises an orange eyebrow. "What, you say?" he repeated in a soft, dangerous tone. I'll make you watch every single minute of High School Musical 2!" Collective, appalled gasps were uttered by everyone.

"Don't you think you're going a teensy too far, Pein?"

"Not at all, Konan. It's perfectly appropriate and fitting."

"Such a waste of good moneyyyyy!" bewailed Kakuzu.

"Noooo…anything but that gay shit!" moaned Hidan.

"Oh but I will…once you're sober of course and are fully aware," Pein said maliciously, doing a stereotypically evil laugh.

"That. Is. Pure. Unadulterated. Evil." said Sasori, shivering in his nonhuman body; even someone without emotions trembled at the horrific prospect. "Wait, why am I still alive?"

A gloved hand raised in the air. "But Tobi likes HSM 2!"

"Are you for real's? You're even gayer than I thought you were and you were already gay for watching Tokyo Mew Mew—you're a grown man!" growls Zetsu, the darker side as mean as ever.

Tobi predicatively starts to cry.

Pein rolled his eyes at the masked shinobi's typical crybaby display. "So anyway, now that you all know the consequence, I will reiterate, just because I feel like it: no damn drinking on any missions!"

~Finally End Flashback~

"You two know the punishment," Pein said in a grave tone.

"Awwwrrr, goo suuuk a boootttleee uuu bebe!" (Aww, go suck a bottle you baby!)

"Itachi I know you did not just back sass me! Get your dumbasses back here now until you're both sober ASAP!"

"Sceeeerrrw uuu, uuu waaannnaaabbeee bbbaaaaadddd assss!" (Screw you, you wanna be badass!)

"What did you say Kisame?! Don't make me come over there, because I will knock your blue ass back to the ocean where you came from! I'll show you how badass I am, you annoyi—"

"Iiiifff yar do dat, I'rrr, I'rrr Tsukuyomi uuuu, cuz Kiiiissssaaammmeeee, mmmmmyyyy sshheeerrrkkkyyy paalll!" (If you do that, I'll Tsukuyomi you, because Kisame's my sharky pal!)

"Awwwrrr urrr sooooo swwweeeeeeeet 'Tachi!" (Aww, you're so sweet Itachi!)

The smashed shark glomped the weasel gleefully.

Pein merely snorted. Why is he even having this conversation with two—at the moment—idiots?

"In your condition, Itachi, I highly doubt that. Now enough of this bull crap; come back to base now!"

"Nnnnoooohhhhh, don wannnaaa ggoooo!" whines Itachi. (Nooo, I don't want to go!)

"That's it! I've had with you drunken jackasses!" Pein roared, fed up. "I'm sending someone to retrieve you both and then you will suffer double trouble—"

"Ohh, weees gonnnnaaa plays a boooaaarrrr gammesssss?" (Oh, we're going to play a board game?)

"NO you moronic stupid idiotic retarded pile of blue fish crap!" shrieked Pein yanking at his orange spikes in frustration. "I didn't say anything about that crazy Trouble game!"

"…Yyyoouuurrrr aaaa meannnnnnieee ppeerrsson!" (You're a mean person!)

"Shut up! I can't take it anymore! I'm out! You…you both just wait!" he warned ominously before severing the mind connection.

…

"Maaan wats his probbbb, 'Tachi?" (Man what's his problem, Itachi?)

"Prrrooobbbblllyyyy fffoorrgooottt two chaaannnge hhhiiissss uuuunnnddeeeaaarrrrrwwwearrr aaggaain…annndd tttaakk hhiiss antiiii-crazzz piiillsss." (Probably forgot to change his underwear again…and take his anti-crazy pills.)

"Mmmakkk sssennnssee…." (Makes sense…)

For the next ten minutes the partners just laid in the snow, staring listless up at the cloudy sky, until the shark spoke up, "…'Tachi wha hhaaapenns when youuuu diiiieeee?" (…Itachi, what happens when you die?)

The Uchiha flicked his half closed red eyes to the shark's face. "Mmaaybe uuuu, uuummm…sshhhooott I dunnnooo…" (Maybe you, um…shoot I don't know…)

"Buuuttt 'Tachi, uuu knooo eeeveerryyythaanng." (But Itachi you know everything.)

"Nuuuh un."

"Yah huh!"

"Nuh un!"

"Yah huh!"

"Nuh—"

"For the fucking love of Jashin, shut the hell up!"

Hidan popped randomly out of a pile of snow right beside them just as Deidara landed beside him after jumping of his airborne clay bird.

"How'd you get here so fast, yeah?" asked the blond, looking at the Jashinist curiously.

"I've been here the whole fucking time trapped! That fucking stitched bastard buried me fucking alive when I was fucking sleeping when we were on that damn mission yesterday! Can you fucking imagine how long it fucking took me to claw myself out?! It was a real bitch, let me fucking tell you!"

"Un…I could see Kakuzu doing that…and you said 'fucking' in every sentence, some more than once…"

"That's cuz I'm fucking pissed the hell off!"

"Hay, itssss daa bllloody guy and ssomme bbloonnde chik…'Tachi. I think she preetttyyy…" observed Kisame. (Hey, it's the bloody guy and some blonde chick…Itachi. I think she's pretty…)

The Uchiha didn't reply as he had fallen asleep.

"I'm NOT a girl Kisame!" snapped Deidara irately, "why must I be the one who is always gender confused?!"

"Cuz you are. Now let's hurry and get these stupid asses back to base already—I got Itachi!"

"Huh, hey wait a second!" But that sneaky Hidan already took off with the sleeping weasel. "Bastard, un!" Deidara shouted out to the quickly disappearing Jashin worshipper, shaking a furious fist at his retreating form.

"…Sooo…" began the shark as he stood up shakily, "ya wannna goo too myyy plllllaaaaace or aaa hhhoottelll—AUGH!"

A fist smashed across Kisame's face, instantly knocking him out.

"Even if I was a girl, I wouldn't be some slutty one, yeah!" An irritated Deidara picked up the Kiri-nin and carelessly flung him on the back of his clay bird with a grunt. "Ugh…geez, have you ever thought to lose some weight, fatty?" he mumbled before jumping on.

A/N: Everything here is for the sake of humor. Did you find it funny? I hope so…even though I think it's not, but I tried. Check out "Can They Be Trusted?" it's where I got inspired to write this. Natsumi Takara happens to be my younger sister and she A-ok'd this little spin off. ^o^