A/N: A thanks goes out to my amazing beta, Jmarcinikglsd! Check out her stuff NOW. Also, this story was inspired by Da Capo by giselle-lx, one of the most awesome authors on this site, and by A Coming of Age by EliseShaw. Check out their stuff because you will instantly be hooked.
Word count: 1,991
Enjoy!
Light broke through chlorophyll-green leaves hanging from outstretched tree branches in abstract shapes. I tasted sunshine in the breeze as it blew about my clearing and I let the happiness I felt form a smile on my lips. The sound of bubbling water soothed the unwanted thoughts in my head until they subsided to a subtle buzz. The rare moment here that I got to myself was glorious in its near-perfection. Despite this, single-handedly, the ever-present burn in my throat caused the otherwise-enjoyable time to be flawed.
I growled softly, but what I had thought was "soft" caused the birds' songs to abruptly stop. A flutter of wings signaled their leave.
"Idiot," I muttered to myself. "Look what you did." So much had changed in nine years. Grumpily, I ran through a mental checklist: I had contracted the Spanish Influenza, my parents had lost their lives due to the aforementioned disease, I had become a vampire, I attained the bewildering ability to read minds, my traveling companion had found a wife, and I was stuck with a nearly-uncontrollable bloodlust. The annoyed edge to the list gave away my foul emotions.
The reason I had sojourned here had been to get my brain off my desire for human blood. Carlisle had convinced me to adapt to his lifestyle of drinking animals' blood. Unfortunately, once you had a taste, it was hard to part with the more human side of one's self, which was to feel guilty about murder. Yet when it put you in literal pain to do so, did it count?
I didn't have to even voice the question to know Carlisle's answer. No, Edward. It's not just, no matter how hard it is to reign in your sanity. It frustrated me to no end, but I knew that he was completely right in his response.
Nevertheless, it seemed to make abstaining ten times more difficult. Whenever I caught a whiff of blood, I had the strong urge to pounce upon a person and suck the sweet substance out of them until their veins ran dry. But Carlisle, with his built-up practice, would chide me if he happened to be there. Either that or I would think of whenever I was mortal. That would momentarily jerk me out of my insufferable cravings, long enough that I could escape.
The return of chirping birds awakened me from my musings. Coming here, in the peace and quiet, away from Carlisle and Esme, had not distracted me from my unquenchable thirst at all. Rather, it seemed as if hot coals had been shoveled into the fire, and so now it was an inferno. As I had once heard in my human life, I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I stood, wincing when my throat's flames seared up. Carlisle had not acknowledged my absence as anything unusual; however, it was becoming prolonged. Soon his anxious thoughts would begin to ring in my head. With that as a reminder, I started to sprint towards the tiny house the three of us occupied in Hamilton, Montana.
Hamilton was a town with a population of a few thousand. It was the perfect Northern place for vampires to stay, because it was big enough that we could blend in, but not small enough that if something happened, someone would immediately take notice.
My vast knowledge of Carlisle's actions allowed me to know how he would react to my reappearance. When the dwelling was in sight, I was spot-on in my predictions: My creator was standing utterly motionless on the front porch, his topaz eyes searching the perimeter. A sigh of relief whooshed out of his mouth.
"Edward," he greeted me with a calm mask. Despite his supposed nonchalance, his posture hadn't yet relaxed, and his thoughts were screaming at me. Where were you? Why didn't you inform me you were heading out?
My face hardened at his obliviousness. Like it wasn't alarmingly obvious? "Because you and Esme were giving into your passion and I did not wish to disturb you," I explained emotionlessly. From inside the house, Esme gave a startled squeak. Even after a little over five years of living together, it was as if—even with her vampire memory—that the fact I possessed telepathic powers had slipped from her mind.
His thoughts instantly became apologetic. I am sorry. I did not know that our relationship bothered you this much. Carlisle glanced at me, the shame clear in his thoughts. We will try to fit our...love in the schedule of when you are and are not here. It must upset you deeply if you react this way.
"I understand. Thank you for your consideration in the matter."
Only then did he notice my considerably-darkened irises. His mouth gaped open. This time he spoke out loud. "Edward, what happened? Did you smell humans? Was blood spilt? Did—" I tuned him out. Carlisle was getting ahead of himself. Nothing of the sort had happened.
"Carlisle." He stopped spewing questions that he didn't permit me to respond to. "Nothing occurred like that. I merely became extremely thirsty." Never mind the almost uncontrollable feelings of hunger I'd recently been experiencing. They were nearly strong enough that if I hadn't been practicing vegetarianism for close to a decade, dozens of innocent people would be lying somewhere, fully drained.
Carlisle's eyebrows furrowed in sincere concern. "Then I think your best option would be to hunt. A few bears are out..." He didn't have to say anything else before I sprinted away from there. Esme's faint thoughts just reached me before I could hear neither her nor Carlisle. Something's wrong.
I ran back into the forest. Abruptly, any animal noise dissipated. Except for the heartbeats—fresh blood pumped through their veins, a powerful pulse hammering in their necks. Venom started to collect under my tongue.
Crouching down, I prepared to launch myself at a black bear located not seventy-five feet away. I sniffed the air, allowing myself to submit to the wild thirst, when I caught a far-superior smell.
I had convinced myself radically over the last two months that my lust for blood could get no more agonizing. With Esme's newborn suffering, I had recognized (not without severe mortification) that I was nearly as bad as her. I had been thrown backwards into the past, landing eight years ago, and now I was at the same "blood maturity" level as I was then.
I raced after the human that promised to allay my thirst. Any previous commands that my brain had followed me to order vanished. I could not seem to grasp me, to wake myself up and say, "Edward! Control your bloodlust!" But I couldn't find the will to do it. Then again, someone who had been denied real blood when first created and since would not be able to mentally restrain themselves, especially when they were being devoured via fire.
I snuck up behind the camper, formulating a pathetic (but reliable nonetheless) plan to soothe the high temperature that was torturing me. The plan? Lunge and drink. I did so, cutting off the man's shrieks. His thoughts of "Please, please no" waned before being silenced.
It was pure euphoria. The appetite had always lurked around in my head. I had pushed it away, and yet, I had known what I'd been missing. And I yearned for it. Although now, I could finally let my conscience go as warm liquid poured onto my taste buds through waiting lips. It was decadent and everything I had ever wanted in this instant.
When I was done, I stumble in horror. The man's glazed, blue orbs stared at me in frozen terror. Carmine stained his neck, and though I didn't want to, I pitifully lapped up the delectable substance.
How would I explain this to Carlisle and Esme? Then watch their golden eyes flood with sympathy? I didn't want pity. I wanted someone to replace my red eyes with yellow. I wanted someone to understand me and not judge. Carlisle would forgive me as would his wife. But it wasn't the same.
I ended up burying the dead male under an elm which I pulled from its roots. I couldn't look back behind my shoulder when I walked aimlessly away. It sickened me that my hunger hadn't stopped; instead, I desired more blood. And I didn't want that of the fauna.
Esme's troubled voice was like a dagger to the heart when it finally pierced my mind. I don't enjoy watching his silent suffering. It hurts me, too, she thought to herself. "Carlisle?" Esme asked. "I think we should go hunt with Edward. He was acting depressed when he left."
"I am a bit thirsty," Carlisle admitted. I could imagine him snaking his arms around Esme's waist. "I agree. A hunt would be nice, and it would cheer him up. I hate to see him this way." No. They would witness the shameful evidence. Could I outrun them? Of course I could. Did I want to? That was the problem—I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to see Carlisle's shock at my rebellion, or at least treat me like I deserved and brand me a monster. The other half wanted to run away. By the time I decided on the latter, their footsteps announced their arrival.
I turned my head away as they rushed into the watery glade I had stopped at. My eyelids closed in unspoken remorse. Oh, dear. What's wrong? That came from Carlisle's kind, untainted mind.
Esme warily approached me. At that moment, I wanted my real mother. Elizabeth Masen—the name sent a deep ache coursing through my body. She would have consoled me. She would have told me it was alright, even though it wasn't. I didn't want my vampire "parents." I longed for my human parents. I tried to conjure my mother's lovely scent, the one that calmed me and reminded me of freshly-picked peaches. Then again, my mother was warm and blood-filled and...Imagining myself held in her embrace made my deed even worse. Waves of repentance tried to drown me.
I accidentally opened my eyes, causing the two vampires to gasp at their crimson color. Nine years gone to waste...everything I'd worked for came crashing down because of one uncomplicated slip-up. I gave a rattling moan.
Carlisle gaped at me. How...when...why? The string of words bordered on incoherency.
"It was an accident," I murmured morosely. "I had been craving it for what felt like an eternity. It was as if I was a newborn all over again. I was hunting today, caught the aroma of human blood, and didn't think twice." My voice cracked. "It was so gratifying. I'd been holding back for the longest time. And I want more," I cried, misery evident in my words. The remembrance of the taste caused venom to accumulate in my mouth. The burn scorched my throat again. It took all I had in me not to start hunting for a second time.
Carlisle carefully considered me. "Well, Edward, you seem sorry about it. I forgive you. The only thing you can do now is to start over." He smiled generously at me. It's okay. Everyone had accidents.
Esme spoke up. "Yes. I love you, too, you know. You're the son I lost." She beamed at me, taking a step closer, her arms outstretched as they offered a hug.
I shook my head in fierce disagreement. "I don't deserve forgiveness. I desire more blood. True blood. Human blood. And I tried, but I cannot withstand it any longer." My parent figures' mouths dropped open. "I'm sorry. I'm not worthy of you."
I began to dry-sob at the hopelessness of the situation. "I love you."
With that said, there was nowhere for me to go. I rushed off to begin my string of sins, the call of blood like a siren's song I could not disobey.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! R&R!