I could feel my fingers tremble; my throat not letting enough air in, and I licked my lips one more time. God knows how long I've been standing there, just staring blindly at Raphael's door with that letter in my hand.
I've been wrestling myself; should I or should I not shove the piece of paper under the door and run for my life? Should I or should I not knock, give him the letter and then calmly walk away to, let's say, my lab? Should I or should I not just rip the document in two pieces, burn it and bury it to make sure no one ever would read it?
I sighed and put my palm to my forehead, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I couldn't just tell him everything. Right? I couldn't just tell him that every time he glances my way I want to run away and write terrible love songs, fall asleep of exhaustion and wake up making love to my pillow remembering him in my dream. I couldn't just tell him that he could easily bring me down on my knees and demand me to do whatever he wanted, because there's just no way in this life that I'd resist his golden eyes, muscled arms and his damn sexy ignorant way of dealing with any problem that might cross his road.
I looked at that door again, and swallowed. I had to do it; I had to give him the letter.
I was just about to take that one step to reach the door, when it opened and made me jump back and almost having a heart attack. There, right in front of me, was Raphael. I could hear the alarm ring inside me, telling me to get the hell out of there, but I stood frozen.
His confused eyes ran over my body, always returning to my eyes with a questioning look written all over, but I couldn't get a single word out of my mouth.
- Hey, Don. Sumthin' the matter? He said, slowly closing the door behind him and facing me fully.
- No... No, not really. I stuttered and almost mumbled my response, which made Raph raise an eyebrow, trying to see through my face of stone.
- Ya sure? He came closer, putting a hand on my forehead.
- No fever. Well, sumthin's not right, you're acting strange.
I swallowed, trying to keep my whole body from trembling, oh god, why am I being punished this way!
- R-Raph, honestly, everything is just fine. I just… wanted to give you this.
I slowly put the piece of paper with words printed all over it in Raph's waiting hand, and gulped as I let go of it. Raph looked at the letter, at me, and then at the letter once again. He opened it and started reading. I could see his eyes going right, then left, right, then left, over and over again, and I felt the panic building up inside of me with every word he read.
What if he had absolutely no idea about my feelings? What if he hated me after reading what I wanted him to know? What if he'd never look me in the eyes again? I couldn't take that. I just couldn't. I could hear a small noise escape from my throat, and realized that I was about to have a mental cry breakdown. I felt hurt by my own thoughts and I wanted to hide for eternity, what did I do!
Why, why did I give him the letter!
I turned around with tears in my eyes, hiccupped, and ran away faster than I've ever done before.
I closed the door behind me and rushed into my lab, tears running down my face. I was desperately looking for something to comfort me, but all I could see was my inventions and dear computer. But they weren't enough at the moment; nothing was enough.
I buried my face in my hands, feeling my heart break of the images in my head. If Raph never talked to me again, I'd die. I was sure of it; I wouldn't make it a single day. I'd just lie down and die.
I fell down on my knees, feeling the tears bursting out again and hiccupping so hard I almost couldn't breathe. Damn, I was so pathetic! What could actually make me think that I could be with him! It would never work, I knew that.
Still I never gave up on him. It was always him, no matter what. And now I've probably messed everything up, my whole reason for getting up in the morning would be gone. He probably just read the last words in that damn letter, if he didn't threw it away already. I swung my fist at the floor, beating it harder and harder, trying to get a grip of myself. How I regret even writing all those words!
Suddenly, I heard the door being pushed open, and the locks didn't even hesitate to break and let the intruder inside. I jerked myself up from the floor, drying my tears off. I couldn't be seen like this; what if it was Mikey coming there to check on me? It would worry the crap out of him!
I turned around, putting a weak smile on my face to greet Mikey, or maybe Leo, but it ended up me being frozen with Raphael right in front of me for the second time that day. I could feel the tears coming up again; I just waited for the fist to come at me and knock me out. But there was no fist. Just a gentle, caressing hand on my cheek, drying my tears away.
- Donnie, whatta you doin'? Why are you cryin'? He said, making a low grunt.
- Why are ya' so sad?
I couldn't believe it. There he was, standing right in front of me. And I knew that he knew. I knew that he just read the letter, and I was completely exposed in front of him with all my feelings written all over my face.
My throat hurt like hell and I couldn't take it, I just threw my arms around his strong neck and cried against his shoulder. I felt his large arms wrap around me, and I gave myself up for a few moments and just cried, breathed and cried a bit more. Raph hushed me, patting my shell and putting a hand on my head to get me closer to his body. I sighed and could soon breathe almost normally again. I turned my head to his neck and breathed in his wonderful scent, trying to save it as a precious memory that I'd treasure more than anything.
- Donnie… What's wrong? Raph tried to look me in the eyes, but I stayed with my face buried in his neck and just closed my eyes for a couple of moments.
- I thought… I just thought that you'd hate me. I regret even writing that… Ugh…
I fought the urge to break down and cry again, and I was shocked to hear that Raphael was laughing. I sniffled and pushed away from him, looking him in the eyes.
- What's so funny! I don't find anything amusing about this at all!
I tried to defend myself, hiding a hiccup, but Raphael just laughed and hugged me tightly.
- Don, why do you regret writing the letter?
I could feel his breathe in my neck and I tried not to shudder as I thought of a good answer.
- Because I thought you didn't feel the same, which I still don't know, and it's just sick because we're like brothers, I mean even if we're not really related and stuff, and I wrote a damn letter, I couldn't even say it to your face, and I feel so stupid an-
I blinked, tried to figure out what was happening. Raphael was so close, I could taste him, and I could feel him. His opened eyes staring so demanding into mine. He grunted.
- You're s'posed to kiss back, Donnie.
Once again those wonderful lips pushed against mine, and this time I finally got it. Raphael was kissing me.
Raph put one of his hands on my cheek, brushing away a tear that hid in the corner of my eye. I shyly pulled him a little bit closer with my arms still wrapped around his neck. I got a direct response; Raph hugged me tightly and carefully licked my bottom lip, and I couldn't help but gasp a bit. Raph smiled. I couldn't think at all. Raphael was all that existed and all that I cared about. I could feel his tongue searching for mine, and I happily let him find it while he started caressing my neck with a finger. I gulped a bit when I felt his rough hand travel further down my plastron and down to my hip, and I could tell that he knew exactly what I was feeling.
Not even in my darkest dreams I've dreamt about this. Maybe a hug, a peck, but never a kiss or his hands touching my body. I could feel all my doubts being washed away more and more with every touch, with every careful lick of my bottom lip. Raph suddenly took a slow step forward, pushing me back, and just a few seconds later I stood pressed up against my desk with Raphael in front of me. I broke the kiss and took a confused look at the position I ended up being in, but Raph captured my lips once again with a wide grin on his lips.
There must be a God.
- If ya ever, ever again doubt me lovin' ya, Donnie-boy, I'll kick your ass.