A/N: Okay so here's a new story that i started one funny day when i thought, what would i do if i was suddenly thrown into the life of on UCHIHA SASUKE! Yeah so this crack fic kinda came out of my head and my friend, HowShallWeDuel?NARWALS!, told me to post it so i'm still busy with it as well as something else i'm writting for the future so i don't know when updates will be and such but i will finish it, it's too funny not to.

HSWDN: Don't worry knaves, i shall ensure that my peasant slave shall complete this odyssey with haste unless she fear the NARWAL!

Chapter one

I gained consciousness and thanked god I was still alive. I took a deep breath and smelled my surroundings were different from the alcohol and smoke-smelling place I was in last but it didn't smell sterile like a hospital but that spicy yet sweet scent most teenage boys wear as deodorant… Okay so maybe I wasn't in an accident and I actually had sex with a guy back at the party so I opened my eyes and blinked harshly against the light peaking through the gap in the black curtains. At least the bed was comfortable as I wiggled my hips into it but even that felt off and I put it off to the perhaps rigorous sex I might have had with that cutie at that party last night.

I sat up and brushed through my hair with my fingers and it felt smoother and softer than usual but it was too short to look at my hair since I kept it in a boy cut with a pixie look to it. I looked down at my self as I leaned back against my hands supporting behind me and I frowned… It seems like my stomach was sticking out further than my boobs but they felt so light…

Okay things were getting too weird for me so I swung my legs over and stood up and let an unwanted moan out of my mouth at the brushing yet tight sensation in my pants and I looked down… Wrong mistake as I gaped at the tent in my pants.

"Aw fuck…" I said out, noticing my voice sounded deep like a boy's and not just any boy but someone familiar but I couldn't place it, this was just getting too weird for me so I looked around my room… Apartment? I tilted my head and a piece of black hair swished across my eyes and I physically jumped back and groaned, placing my hands on my, gulp, crotch. I looked around the room carefully again and saw the bathroom and walked carefully over there, without having to touch whatever was down 'there'. I switched on the light and I closed my eyes as I walked to in front of a mirror and I took deep breaths before I forced myself to open my eyes quickly and I jumped back and screamed… Well I thought I screamed when all that came out was surprisingly a manly yell as my hands flew to my face.

"No, this can't be fucking happening to me." I said, strange hearing my male voice as my hands ran through my black hair and touched the duck butt like spikes at the back and my lips and my neck. Okay so maybe going to a new universe wouldn't have been bad if I arrived as my self. No, I could have dealt with that, or even as another girl but landing in the ninja universe as none other than Uchiha Sasuke and with a boner to top it… Fuck!

Not to mention, I don't remember anything about this life personally other than what was shown in the anime and manga. I didn't even know any ninjutsu as far as I could tell as I racked my brain for a reason to this. I took a deep breath and splashed water over my face, trying not to think of the damn heaviness between my legs, seriously, how do guys deal with this? I also tried not to think about who I was at the moment otherwise I really was going to be running around the village like a maniac and be put into some weird ninja mental institution. Do they even have those here? I didn't even want to talk because of my voice, it would freak me out further so I turned the tap off and ignored the mirror as I switched off the light and staggered gently back to bed and laid down with the back of my hand against my forehead. At least the room was normal like any other person where I come from and it helped me to calm down a little.

Last I remember I was a girl. Eighteen years of age as it was my birthday, short spiky brown hair, brown eyes, d cup breasts and a shapely yet thin body that I worked so hard for over winter and now it's gone! Back to the topic at hand… I went out with my friends, driving my car, a Hyundai i10 and we went to a house party in the next area over. We got there, had a good time, loud music, dancing, making out with strangers… The usual when the police showed up… My friend and I dove back into my car as I pushed it faster than it had before and the red traffic light I didn't see, laughing with my friends about evading the cops when the last thing I heard was the horn of a truck and lights in my face coming from my left.

That's all I remember so am I dead, knocked in a comatose state or just dreaming this… If this is a dream it is really fucked up for me since I usually dream as myself and not being another character. I turned over on my side as the clock said seven o'clock, the date 21 January. And a shiny piece of metal as I reached over and picked it up before screaming yet again another manly shout as I threw it to the other side of the room with a metallic clank. At least my boner died down after seeing that… The Konoha headband, shit.

This was bad… already a genin with no experience, shit. My life, I mean Sasuke's life just got shittier. Which day was it, were we already on missions? Was this graduation or, gulp, survival training with Kakashi? Or even the chunin exam since my neck was still perfectly fine? Shit, I got up and walked over to the curtains and pulled them open, blinking back the light as I looked out at the tree across from my bedroom window and down at the streets below… How was I going to figure out what day it was without looking completely suspicious or like an idiot? I looked back at the clock which, read seven thirty already and I guessed school or missions or whatever started at eight like every other school? Well if I'm late I'm late, you can't blame me since I ended up in this awkward position this morning.

I opened my closet and raised an eyebrow as I dropped my head in disbelief… So much black, blue or white, no browns, reds, or any other colour and I sighed, it was strange hearing Sasuke, myself, sigh as I pulled out the regular high collared t-shirt and white pants and found a picture of myself (WTF?) in the draw next to the bed and copied it, strappings around my ankles and those weird sleeve things he, I, wore and put the strapping on my thigh as well before retrieving the headband and tying it on my forehead and putting the weapon pouch and leg holster on.

God life is going to suck for me! I mean Sasuke, I mean whoever the hell I am… Fuck it, act like Sasuke, don't draw attention, find out which day it was and follow from what I know trying not to look to suspicious. I slipped my shoes on by the door and grabbed the keys from the hook by the door and stepped outside, closing the door behind me and fighting with the lock.

"Oh Sasuke-kun." A woman's voice called and my eyes went wide as I froze, my hands started to sweat and I turned to face the elderly lady… Don't smile!

"Yes?" I ask in back politely since I thought Sasuke couldn't be an ass to everyone.

"You excited to be getting your genin squad and leader this morning?" The lady asked with a smile. DON'T SMILE!

"I guess you could say that. But to be honest I'm a little nervous." I said calmly, finally getting the door to lock and walked over to her standing at the stairs.

"Oh don't worry it's normal to be nervous on your first day, especially the jonin sensei, some can be a bit weird and mean at first but they're just there for your protection." She smiled at me and I nodded… How the hell does Sasuke NOT smile?

"I know…" I said back and the lady continued to smile at me. "I'm feeling a bit confused today so can you please remind me how to get to the academy?" I asked and the lady laughed politely into her hand.

"Of coarse dear." She said as she made a mental map for me to follow and I listened carefully and thanked her before running down the stairs and changing to a walk… Uchiha Sasuke doesn't run for anyone and for added measure I put my hands into my pockets and concentrated on the directions the lady gave me.

I finally arrived to the familiar building and followed someone else who had a headband on and entered a classroom and noticed orange sitting down already and I silently groaned and tried not to roll my eyes but I guess where he was sitting was as good as any as I sat on the opposite side of the bench and brought my clasped hands up to my chin and began to run things over in my mind. If I all of a sudden change, Naruto and probably Kakashi are going to get suspicious and then I'm screwed but I don't know anything about being a ninja! I wanted to mutter but I knew Naruto was right there so I kept quiet. Shit, my personality is so much like Naruto's, why couldn't I be him and not emo king Sasuke, how can he not smile!? There was a raucous by the door and I glanced my eyes over to see Ino and Sakura arguing… SHIT how could I fucking forget about Sasuke's fan club?!

I was so busy in my own world that I completely forgot about what happens next as I found a lump of orange on the table in front of me, glaring at me and I glared back out of sheer habit. Naruto jerked forwards by surprise and I had the sheer luck to move out of the way and fall out of my seat onto the ground as Naruto face planted against the back of my previous seat… SHIT I JUST CHANGED SOMETHING!

"You idiot, what did you do that for?" I said up at him with annoyance as Naruto as sitting on the seat and rubbing his nose. I noticed the fan girl club glaring at Naruto and he must have felt it as he looked behind him. He grinned sheepishly before he ran with the hoard of girls shouting and chasing after him and I got back into my seat, glad to be free of two annoying things in Sasuke's life and now my life. On the outside I was brooding again but on the inside I was chanting 'shit' over and over again about changing this one little thing.

Eventually the classroom was full and Naruto limped in, looking roughed up as Sakura sat next to me with Naruto next to her, leaning on his desk and I silently sighed and closed my eyes.

"Starting today you are all official ninjas but you are all still new genin. It's going to get harder from here. So you will all be in groups of three where you will accomplish missions under a jonin sensei." Iruka explained and I just sat there, I knew what group I was going to be in and waking up the way I did and not kissing Naruto was not going to change it so I just sat brooding still.

"We've arranged groups such as overall abilities are equivalent. I will now announce them." Iruka announced, holding up a piece of paper as he began to read the teams and I half listened, inside I was freaking out.

"Next team, Team 7. Uzumaki Naruto. Haruno Sakura…" Iruka announced and I flinched slightly when Naruto's loud mouth cheered and Sakura sighed next to me. "And Uchiha Sasuke." Iruka announced and Sakura stood up and cheered. The next few groups were announced with mixed reactions from everyone as I just sat there, contemplating my doomed fate at the moment… It was easy to brood as Sasuke, thank god.

"Iruka-sensei! Why is a top student like me in a group with this guy?!" Naruto stood up and demanded, pointing his finger at me and I just closed my eyes because I wanted to laugh… This was all so surreal and funny.

"Sasuke graduated with the highest scores. And you, Naruto, had the worst scores. This happens because we want to evenly divide abilities between the groups. I'm going to introduce the jonin senseis this afternoon. Meeting adjourned until then." Iruka said and then left as people began getting up and going to their friends or teams and I swallowed hard and jumped out of the window before Sakura could turn to me as I saw she was going to and I ran down the path to somewhere before I stopped and was surprised I wasn't out of breath… Shit I was so screwed now. I ran back down the road towards the academy again, some common sense taking over and then I dived into the bushes when I heard Sakura's voice screeching Sasuke's, well I suppose it's my name now and I growled and waited for her to pass.

I ran through the bushes and back onto the road to the academy and began asking around for Shikamaru and most girls were happy to comply as I ran around looking for him and found them on the ledges of the academy with Ino and Choji being there and instantly Ino attached herself to my arm.

"Sasuke-kun! It's no fair we're not on the same team, aren't you sad and annoyed you're stuck with forehead girl?" She whined into my ear and I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, I didn't like being hung upon by other people.

"Shikamaru, I know you don't like me and all but right now I need your help, it's serious." I said to Shikamaru, hoping he would believe me. He studied me and was about to say something back, like go away before he stopped and narrowed his eyes at me slightly.

"Follow me. Ino, Choji, I'll catch you later." Shikamaru said, grabbing his lunch and I managed to pry Ino off of my arm and follow after Shikamaru down into the academy and into one of the old store rooms as we opened the flap for air and I leaned against the windowsill for the fresh air.

"You have five minutes. Go." Shikamaru said, standing by the door with his hands on his hips and I gaped slightly which made Shikamaru tilt his head ever so slightly and I realised he was fucking studying me!

"I'm not really Uchiha Sasuke. I was in a car accident and then suddenly I woke up as Sasuke this morning and now I'm screwed because I don't know anything about what the fuck I'm doing her or how to even use ninjutsu or anything about myself but the usual!" I rambled out with panic as Shikamaru stood calmly, listening to me rambling on about how I know who Sasuke is and I didn't mention I knew how everything would be going down for the next few years because I shut my mouth hard before I said anything.

"Yeah, you're definitely not Uchiha Sasuke…" Shikamaru drawled out yet he had this serious look to his face.

"No shit Sherlock do you think I don't know that already?" I said out at him, an octave higher with panic. Shikamaru had a smirk and one eyebrow raised.

"What the hell is a 'Sherlock'?" Shikamaru asked with amusement and I sighed.

"Look, do you have any suggestions? Because I'm screwed when we go on our first mission if I don't know anything about chakra or ninjutsu and then everyone is going to catch on and who knows what would happen to me after that." I asked, calming my panic a little.

"It's interesting how you know things about Sasuke like his attitude and rivalry with Naruto… I believe you and I won't say anything unless it threatens my friends or the village. As for not knowing ninjutsu, you, as Sasuke, has been training with it for most of your life, even before the academy and considering how you neatly dodged Naruto falling on you this morning, I'd say your body remembers but not your mind. I wouldn't worry too much, just go through your notes at home, perhaps train a little and it may all come back to you." Shikamaru said before I got jumped by Naruto as I began to wrestle with him and Shikamaru had already left and I hissed out a curse as I pushed Naruto off of me hard and he hit his back against the wall.

"What was that for?" I ask Naruto darkly as he rubbed his head with his eyes closed.

"I'm getting rid of you so I can have Sakura-chan all to myself." Naruto said back up at me as he stood up again in a crouch and I sighed.

"You can have her. I'm just going to tell it to her straight that I don't like her." I said to Naruto who blinked with surprise. "Go talk to her, hell you can even transform into me, I don't care." I said crossing my arms and Naruto stared at me intensely before he transformed and jumped back out of the window. I leaned my elbows back on the windowsill and sulked… Now I know why Sasuke is always in a bad mood, his life sucks with his fan girls and then Naruto tackling me every few seconds he sees me. I sighed and jumped out of the window easily and closed it before walking carefully across the rooftop until I got to a ledge and jumped over the railing and walking out again, back down the road just to breath.

Fuck. Sakura saw me and stood up with a huge smile and her arms up against her chest and I put my hands in my pockets, hoping I could ignore her.

"Sasuke-kun, you're such a shy guy! Are you emotionally prepared? I am… Wait…" She said as I walked past her and stopped, suppressing a sigh but then I wondered where Naruto was, he should be here right now as me bringing all of her hearts desires to her.

"Where's Naruto?" I ask over my shoulder, this conversation seeming like déjà vu.

"Changing the subject again? Forget about Naruto. All he does is pick quarrels with you. It's probably because he had such an irregular childhood. Oh yeah, you know he doesn't have parents, right? He's always doing selfish things and my parents would scold me if I do those things. If you're alone, you're parents wouldn't get mad at you. That's why he's so selfish." Sakura's voice was grating on my nerves, also what she was saying, knowing Naruto's life and I turned my glare on her.

"What the hell would you know about being Naruto huh?" I hissed at her and she looked at me with confusion. "Your parents aren't the be all and end all of everything Sakura, you should be grateful you have both of them still because the pain of loosing one be it by death or their selfish desires cannot measure up to your little 'angry parents' drama. Grow up." I hissed at her before I walked off with my fists clenched in my pockets and shaking away memories of my mom and siblings who I'll probably never see again. I heard someone running up ahead of me and opened my eyes to see Naruto skidding to a halt in front of me and pointing a finger at me.

"What are you doing here?" He demanded.

"Taking a walk, what does it look like idiot?" I said, walking around him, there was only so much I could usually deal with people, especially kids, I kind of see why Sasuke was the way he was all the time, excluding the whole 'brother killed my clan and parents' thing. And I closed my eyes as I heard Naruto running down the road again and I sighed… Classroom equalled safety for now.

"Hey Sasuke!" Oh for the love of god! I stopped and turned around to see Naruto, practically fuming for some reason… What did I apparently do now? "You… You said something awful to Sakura-chan, didn't you?" Naruto demanded and I thought back to our little conversation.

"It was the truth." I said calmly to him, clenching my fists in my pockets.

"Liar! There's now way that Sakura-chan would be so depressed otherwise. I hate to admit it but… Sakura-chan is desperate to be acknowledged by you." Naruto said with honour to defend her and I kept my face neutral from annoyance.

"I'll acknowledge her when she stops acting like such a kid." I said plainly as I turned around and hoped I made it to the classroom this time. A hand grabbed my shoulder and I reacted on instinct as I turned, knocking it off of my shoulder, grabbing it in the process and kicked into his stomach area and he rolled but I was too annoyed to be surprised by it right now.

"What I said was the truth… It's not my fault I tried to help her but she didn't want to hear it." I said down to him as he got up and I decided to keep walking, the closer I got the safer I got.

"I'm going to kick your ass on Sakura-chan's behalf. Shadow clone jutsu." Naruto shouted behind me and I went wide-eyed as I turned to see five clones charging for me and my heart was beating rapidly yet not painful enough to be completely panicked… It was just adrenaline. I dodged all of their attacks, stepping up to the scaredy cat real one but I saw him look behind me and as the clones jumped, I turned with a duck, sliding my foot out to stand behind their human dog pile with my hands in my pockets.

"When did you end up over there!" Naruto freaked out as the clones recovered as did his shock. Fuck this shit… I decided I didn't care anymore as I slipped out a kunai from my leg holster and poked each clone before I held the blade against Naruto's stunned neck.

"If I was an enemy, you would have been dead." I said and Naruto laughed sheepishly before he held another hand seal.

"Sexy jutsu!" He yelled and transformed into his girl version and my right eye twitched with annoyance. He aimed for a punch as I just toe swept, dodging his punch easily and twirled around him and kicked him on his ass… She was so similar to how I use to be and again he landed on his nose, still sore from earlier.

"Itai, itai, itai, itai!" He shouted, holding his nose as he rocked back and forth on his back, legs kicking up and this time I smirked and even hn'ed before I began back to the academy. "Sasuke! I'm not done with you!" He shouted after me before Sakura called for him and I sighed as they caught up to me… It was time to meet Kakashi… sensei.