Author: Emily
Rating: PG 13
Summary: "Sydney finds that she is disappearing"
Timeline/Spoilers: Season three sometime.
on and on until we disappear
Sydney finds that she is disappearing. She is somehow getting less and less and she's so transparent and see through it's a wonder she is even there at all. Yes, she loves him. Yes, she cannot have him. And yes, this story has been told one hundred times over. It always seemed so much more trivial when she was not the girl who was lovelorn and alone. To be honest (she hasn't been in a while but she might as well be now) she never thought she would be that girl. And, it sounds arrogant but she thought it would be impossible for her ever not to have him. She knew he loved her, it was the surest thing she had ever known. So much didn't make sense and maybe he was the only thing he did. Now she is just drifting.
She loved that he loved her, she loved the way he loved her and she loved the way he said her name and now she loves and she loves and she loves but gets nothing in return. If she is yet more honest she admits that she still thinks she will have him. How could she not after the simple fierce clarity of their love? How could that change? Eventually, she tells herself. It cannot have changed so completely and eventually things will be the way they were, that is what she says to herself when she can't sleep at night because she has nobody to hold.
Sydney reminds herself that she was with him only a year after Danny and it has been two years for him and how can she be angry or bitter without being hypocritical? So instead of being angry, she is sad and fading away. She thinks she may even be self pitying, and God forbid, anything but that. Then again she's pretty sure she has a hell of a lot to be self pitying about - and thinking that is probably what makes her self pitying but definitions are all too complicated compared to a broken heart. Syd has more than enough complications already to add another to the list.
She is that girl, she thinks. The one that people feel sorry for and she supposes she is going to have to live with that because the teasing thought of 'eventually' won't get her through for much longer. She goes to work and hides her emotions away because of course, she can't let them show. That she loves him, that she wants to kill him, no she can't show that. Not here, not now. There is no here and now though and so Sydney disappears instead. She tells herself that eventually he will notice.