The Discussion

When my shift is done I'm meeting Bill in his quarters. Why am I so nervous? Bill loves me, and wants me. I still find that a hard concept to get. Images and feelings from this morning rush into my head.

I remember the intensity of his gaze as he adjusted my clothes to feel my skin. The memory of his touch still has the power to make me shiver. His hands were strong and firm but when they moved over my bare skin they became something different, a tool to know and memorize me, and all I can say is they felt amazing.

I was embarrassed by the way I reacted to the feel of his body intimately pressing against mine, fueling a need I had almost forgotten, a need only he could fill. As he pulled me on top of him I wrapped my arms around his neck and was lost in his touch and the taste and feel of his mouth. When his hand slid under my bra, any control I had was lost. It seemed like he knew just the right way to touch me.

I wonder what he thinks of me. What kind of impression does he have of a woman who was ready to say "to hell with duty shift and just take me now" after only a little kiss and tickle? Oh Lords, I'm starting to sound like one of those heroines in the trashy romances I read. He said that he loves touching me. But how much of that was said in the heat of the moment? I couldn't bring myself to look at him when he said that, now I wish I had.

After we talk tonight, I have a feeling that we'll not be doing a lot of sleeping. I wasn't born yesterday. So as I'm about to get everything I wished for, I'm nervous about getting it. Can you get any more screwed up? WHY are you nervous, Kylen? What's going on here?

Ok, let's see. Number one, I haven't been "intimate" with a man in several years. It's not that I don't know what to do or to expect. But do I really know what to expect with Bill? The way his touch affects me is frightening. Is that it? You're afraid of losing yourself? Getting so lost in Bill that you lose your identity? That you'll become the Commander's girlfriend and not Kylen Salik? No. That's not what frightens me. I know who I am. It's more the way I lose all control of myself when I'm with him. That had never happened to me before. I don't think he knows the power he has over me. So it's not about losing my identity but losing control. What else?

Number two, I have been solo for a long time. Independent. Let's face it relationship is not my middle name. Not all my romantic failures were due to the men I dated. No, I have an interesting talent for destroying relationships. Take for example my ultimatum to Bill the other day. Take it or leave it. Most men don't respond well to that. Bill seemed not to see it as me giving an ultimatum but more like I was setting up a roadblock to his plan. I need to be able to compromise and not confront. Compromise, and not control. I think, or at least hope I can do that. Back to the control issue again, Kylen.

What else?

Ahh yes, number three, I'm not a young woman. I'm forty-seven and while I was never a "Stunner" my body is not what it was when I was twenty. I mean gravity takes its toll. Oh for Lords sake, Kylen, he's older than you. He has those scars from the viper accident that ended his flying career. It's not the same. Men can look like they're half dead, and if they have enough power or money they can attract women. I'm nervous about Bill seeing me, seeing my body. I want to look beautiful for him.

That thought hits me like a 50-pound bag of coffee beans. For the first time in my life I WANT a man to see me as beautiful. I wish I looked like Cassie or Starbuck, but I'm just Kylen. No big eyes, no long legs, no blonde hair, just short, brown, and nondescript. You're pathetic, Kylen. He pretty much made it clear yesterday and this morning that he finds you attractive. SO why be nervous? I can't help it, naked is naked. I'll have nothing to hide behind tonight.

I better stop this conversation with myself or I will be visiting Dr. Baltar and his invisible friend. I would kill for a cup of real coffee.

Gossip really does travel faster than FTL. While I have always suspected it was true, I never really looked at the data. I'm definitely doing a research study on it. I'm sure I can get it published once I figure out how to properly set up the experimental groups. What makes me say that you ask? Well I was at work only about thirty minutes when Cassie walked into my office with a knowing look and a wide smile as she asked, "Doctor, do you have any plans for tonight after your shift?"

I looked her in the eye and with a sigh said, "Spill it, Cassie."

Her smile got even wider as she said, "One of the med techs saw a certain "commanding figure" leaving your quarters this morning. I'm glad you two are back together, and no longer fighting. He's good for you. I hope you don't think I'm out of line. I just couldn't resist."

I sigh and again wonder at the power of gossip as I say, "No I don't mind. We still have things to discuss but we'll work it out. So I guess the rumor has already run through the Life Station?"

Cassie gives me another wide grin and says, "I think it's already through the ship."

I decide turnabout is fair play and ask, "How are things with you and Mark?"

Cassie blushes as she replies, "They're great."

I smile and say, "Mark's a good man, Cassie."

"Yeah I know. But so is the Commander. Men like Mark and the Commander don't grow on trees, especially now when there aren't any trees around."

Cassie has some incredible insights. I give Cassie a salute of agreement and say, "You do know Mark is a lucky man?"

Her smile gets even wider and as she turns to leave her parting words are, "I make sure to tell him every chance I get."

I look at the chronometer. Can I get a body transplant? If I contact the Lenna Dell and lean on my fellow "coffee addicts" in genetics maybe they can clone me a new body before tonight. I have to admit they're good, especially when they are focused on a goal (COFFEE), but what I'm thinking about is probably even beyond them.

I sigh and get on with my paperwork. I could have sworn by the Holy Lords that the pile was smaller yesterday.

At lunch I stop by the mess for some food and a cup of "synthetic dishwater". I spy Starbuck in the lunch line and move toward her. She gives me a wide grin and invites me to join her. As we both sit she says, "So I hear everything is straight with you and the Commander."

I look at Starbuck. As angry as I was with her interference, I can't seem to muster any of it now. In truth I would have done exactly the same for her and Lee. Hard to be mad at something you would have done. I give her a smile and say, "Yes, it seems a little viper pilot told him where to find me."

She looks unrepentant as she replies, "Guilty as charged. Are you going to slap me in the brig for trying to make two people happy? Forgive me?" I give her a nod and laugh. She continues on, "I saw a certain commander walking out of the medical staff section on my morning run. He seemed in a very good mood." By now her grin is a full-blown smile.

I roll my eyes at her and say, "I guess I should just hang up a big sign on the Life Station door saying the Commander and I are no longer fighting and he spent the night in my quarters."

Starbuck leans back in her chair and waves her hand saying, "Nah you don't need to do that. It's already old news. You can't help it if you two are a popular couple. Inquiring minds want to know."

I shake my head. "I bet he doesn't have to deal with all this."

"Who doesn't have to deal with what?" Capt. Lee Adama walks up to our table and sits down without an invitation. He is wearing his duty uniform and everything is neat and in place.

Both Starbuck and I look at each other, then at him and say in unison, "Nothing."

Lee gives both of us a look then starts to grin. "The Commander seemed in an especially good mood in CIC earlier today." His grin is even wider by the time he finishes that observation. He obviously misses or ignores the not-so-subtle look and headshake Starbuck tries to pass him.

I give Lee my best "Medical Attending Pissed Off Stare" and he loses some of the grin and manages to look sheepishly cute.

"I guess you've been hearing that a lot today."

"It does seem to be making all the 'hot sheets'." They both stare at me trying not to laugh. I roll my eyes and groan when I realize what I've just said. Starbuck and Lee are wearing huge grins on their faces. It's Lee who dares to say, "I assume you're referring to the daily military updates and not to.."

"One more word and I can make your yearly physical something to remember." I say in a deadly voice as I give Lee another stare. Starbuck wisely says nothing and just snickers in the background, never losing her huge smile. I promise to be around when Lee and Starbuck are the number one gossip item. It's time for a not so subtle change in the conversation. "How are things in the world of vipers?"

Lee seems relieved at the change in topic and says, "Well we're still short pilots until those in the isolation ward are better. When do you think they may be ready for return to flight status?"

"It's going to depend on how sick they were. Best guess would be next week for those who were not seriously affected, and longer for the worst off. "

At the end of my shift I sign out to the on-call person then head out of the Life Station. After lunch I only had to deal with another four people making comments about the Commander being in a very good mood. What was he doing, tap dancing around CIC? So aside from being even more nervous than before, I am irritated by being the center of Galactica's news network. I better make a stop at my quarters. No telling when I'll be back.

I sigh again. Why now turn into a pile of gelatinous goo? The voice in my head replies, "Maybe because Bill is the first man who you ever loved." Ok, yeah, I forgot that one fact.

I decide to shower before going to Bill's quarters. I take a little more care than I usually do with my make-up and hair. I bring along my needlepoint and some toiletries. I already have a spare uniform and scrubs in his quarters. I never got around to removing them. Time to go.

The walk to his quarters seems shorter than usual. I knock on the hatch and wait until I hear his "Enter", before I open his hatch and cross the threshold into his quarters.

His quarters don't look any different. Gee Kylen, what were you expecting? Satin sheets and candles? Sex toys and leather on the coffee table? Bill is still dressed in his duty uniform. He walks up to me and is about to give me a hug but stops and just looks at me intently his hands move to hold my shoulders. "What's wrong, Kylen?"

I cannot meet his eyes and instead look at a point over his shoulder as I reply, "Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all."

He gives me a slight shake and says, "How come I'm not buying it, Kylen? You look tense, like you'd rather be miles away."

Damn the man. He must have ESP. I shake off his hold on my shoulders and walk away. Then I turn to face him saying, "I'm nervous."

He seems so calm standing there as he tells me, "I'm nervous too. It's been a while. But I think we'll eventually work it out. You do know that I wouldn't do anything you didn't want. But it's more than that isn't it, Kylen? Talk to me."

"Of course I know that, Bill, as for talking, I'm not sure I can." I pace his quarters then turn to look at him and continue, "Bill, do you find me attractive?"

"I think your beautiful, Kylen."

"Why? I'm not much to look at and.."

"You're a lot to look at. But it's more than your looks that make you beautiful. It's the whole package. Besides I've got these scars from my viper accident. I should be asking you what you see in me. Hell I'm an old man. What do you see in me, Kylen?"

"It's different with men." He gives me a skeptical look. I continue on, "It's true. Women are always judged by how we look. With men, looks add to the package but there are other factors that play an even larger role, Bill, things like power and money."

"So the reason you decided to pursue a relationship with a scarred old man is because I command the biggest ship, and you usually throw yourself at powerful men?"

Bill's words were harsh, but when I turn to look at him I see he is smiling, his eyes daring me to contradict him. I'm not even angry at his question. I can see the vulnerability hidden behind his smile and harsh words. I smile and say, "You know that's not true. You're not old,"

"And the scars?" He interrupts, his eyes never leaving my face and I get the feeling he's asking a lot more than what the question seems like on the surface. I remember that conversation with Starbuck about Bill having insecurities. Well this is one insecurity I can banish right now.

I look at him, my smile widening as I say, "I don't really even see them Bill. Lords, I can't picture you without them. They're you. I think they make you look distinguished, rugged, and handsome." To emphasize my point I walk up to him and touch his face with my hand, my eyes never leaving his.

While his expression never changes, his whole bearing becomes more confident before my eyes and he replies, "Now I know you're either in love or crazy."

He pulls me closer into a tight hug and kisses to me in a way that takes on a life of it's own. He finally pulls back and says "Kylen, believe me when I say that you are beautiful."

I look away and feel my face flushing. He moves his one arm from around me and uses his hand to lift my face back to his so I have to look at him.

"I love touching you, Kylen." He takes my hand and leads me to his couch. He sits and then pulls me into his lap.

He is looking at me. His gaze is intense and I stop fidgeting. "I'm sorry to be such an idiot tonight, Bill."

"Kylen, talk to me. You told me the other day you weren't a mind reader, well neither am I." I give him my "Medical Stare of Disbelief". The man can read minds and has ESP. I have hard data to prove it.

I'm not good at relationship discussions and even worse trying to explain my current state. I decide to be direct. "Frak. You already know I'm..embarrassed about you seeing me naked. I've never been in a relationship like this before. Not with someone I love. It scares me that I may screw this up. You were married once and for a long time too! I never even made it to the altar. Both of us like to be in control. I'm not sure if I can give it up. Does any of what I am saying make any sense?"

Bill pulls me closer in his lap and says, "Neither one of us are any good at this, which is why you were ready to write a letter of resignation and move to the Lenna Dell, and I waited until you were going to leave to tell you how I felt. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I never repeat the same ones twice. Both of us have 'pasts' and we bring that with us. Both of us like to be in control of things. I'm not going to kid myself and say that what we have between us will be easy all the time. In fact, I'm sure there'll be times when things are damn hard." He sighs and continues on, "We are both going to have to compromise. As long as we remember to keep talking to each other instead of guessing or assuming this will work. I think it's worth working for. Don't you? Give us a chance, Kylen."

I try to leave my nerves behind and focus on what he said. "Bill, you tend to say a lot with your actions but very little in words. I need you to sometimes tell me what you are thinking and how you feel about me. I won't play guessing games."

"Fair enough. But you'll have to help me. Ask if you have any questions"

"So now what."

He begins to finger the top button of my jacket then stops. "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?"

"I left all my slinky lingerie at home." Damn, I still sound nervous. He manages to give me a leer and just says, "Wear what you usually do, although if you ever find something slinky that would be good too."

He's being sweet and letting me be in control. As I leave the head I can see he has turned down the lights and has taken off his uniform jacket and shoes. He walks up to me gives me a peck on the cheek and says, "No rush Kylen. We've got time."

I lie in bed thinking about what he said and am still nervous. He has finished in the head and now gets into the bunk with me. He holds me in his arms. I feel tense and stupid. This is getting ridiculous.

"I'm being an ass, Bill. I'm sorry"

"You can't control how you feel Kylen."

"Why do you put up with me?"

"I could ask you the same thing. Maybe I'm just a crazy old man who happens to love a difficult, intimidating, and bossy woman who calls me a devious bastard."

I start laughing and feel something loosen inside me. I raise myself up to look at him. He really is something special, very special, and he's mine. I let one of my hands slide under the loose tee shirt he has worn to bed. His skin is warm, and firm under my hand. His eyes darken and he continues to stare at me, but makes no other moves.

I can feel myself relaxing and becoming more aroused while I touch him. He really is something else. I cover his lips with mine. I trace them and gently bite his lower lip. His mouth opens under mine and I explore his mouth.

I can feel his arms surround me and his hands slide under my shirt. My world narrows down to the touch of those hands and his mouth. One of his hands is sliding under my sleep pants. All I can think about is that I need to get closer to him and our clothes are in the way.

"You have too many clothes on Bill. Lose the shirt." I can be demanding at times. Like that comes as a surprise.

"Are you sure Kylen?" My love for him removes any shyness and insecurity I had earlier. Before I can talk myself out of it, I sit up and pull my own shirt off over my head and toss it somewhere in the room. The look in his eyes is so hot and intense I cannot feel embarrassed. What in the Lords of Kobol was I worried about?

As I lower myself back down against him I say, "Do I have to tell you that you kiss like a virgin, Bill? Yeah I'm sure." My voice has taken on a low husky tone that speaks of my need for him. It doesn't even sound like me.

"Has anyone told you never to criticize the performance until it's over?"

"Go ahead and impress me Commander. That is if you can." As he pulls me under him my last coherent thoughts are that this is one performance I will NOT be discussing with anyone, and I hope he never found that black satin number I stowed in the back of my locker. I want to surprise him someday."

END