So a certain blonde is missing her nub. What's she gonna do about it?

I literally crapped this out through my biology class today, because it was so boring. I'm sorry Mr Charles, but on the bright side, you might be Carly's boyfriend in this story. You're welcome.

Disclaimer: I do not have a pet rabbit named Cupcakes. Neither do I own iCarly.

Dear Freddork,

How's that nubby life of yours? I bet you are surrounded by your nerd herd you call 'friends' in your dorm right now studying for some test. No wait, scratch that. There's no way anyone could be any geekier than you. Remember the time you worked so hard for 27 hours straight without any sleep, just to make the TV in the iCarly studio swing out 18 percent faster. So yeah, you're most probably alone right now. Nub.

But on the other hand, you've filled out real nice over the years. Puberty's been kind to you, boy. Even though you are a nerd 24/7, you've got some nice packs there. And some really nice arms too, huh? I know this from all the arm wrestling we do. How long have you been letting me win? No wait, don't tell me unless you want part of your body twisted. But, don't let this get it to the big, egoistic head of yours. Mama only dates hot guys. Let's all just leave it as that.

So you must be wondering why I'm taking time out of bacon eating time to hand write – Dear God - to you all the way in New York. Ever since you left for college six weeks ago, mama's lips are only for eating. Well, I could email you, but my dear mother sold my laptop away to buy a new bikini. She was actually parading around the house only wearing that for the past week. Yes, I had to give you that image so that you'd suffer along with me. Of course, I'd get my revenge. I poured hot mustard in her blue hair dye container which she's going to use for her next hot date with a blackjack dealer. Genius, right? So we can't video chat and you can't see my gorgeous face or 'mesmerizing blue eyes'. Bummer for a nub like you.

Why not update you on the happenings back home?

Carly's got a hot new date tonight at Pini's. I tried to talk her out of it because that is kinda our place, you know? Anyway, the guy's name is Charles, Marcus… or was it Joseph? She's like changing a new boyfriend every week. Literally. Last week was a drummer of a cover band named Jerom. Socko's cousin, of course.

Spencer's working on a new pig sculpture out of pork for the meat festival next month. Remember how you promised you'll take me there? Looks like Spencer's the one doing so this year. Anyway, the sculpture's entirely made out of pork! What a waste of good meat. He's been working on this for about three weeks now because every morning he wakes up finding parts of the sculpture missing. He thinks a little birdie has been eating it. What? Don't judge me, like I said - what a waste of good meat! Either Spencer doesn't know me very well after seven years, or he's just really dumb. I'm going with the latter.

Crazy, I mean Marissa's still as crazy as ever. Although we've been getting along much better lately, she's still has that element of wonkiness inside her. Now now, wipe that nubbish, grin across your face. She's actually cooking bacon for me and we're attending a yoga course together. Against my will and every inch of my being, of course.

And I still think Gibby's a mermaid.

Okay, I've been crapping a lot so I'll just come out with it.

I miss you, okay? I miss your stupid nubbish smirk you always wear on your nubbish face. I miss your nerd-styled fluffy hair, even though I would mess it up eventually during our intense make out sessions. I miss your scent, cinnamon and vanilla, with a hint of detergent. It's so you. I miss your oversized t-shirts that I would 'borrow' but never return. I miss how your eyes would twinkle with happiness whenever you see me – it makes me feel special.

It's been six weeks, Freddie. Mama isn't the patient kind- and you know it. I can't stand this long-distance relationship anymore. I can't be with a guy who I can't just kiss or hug whenever I felt like it. I thought this would be a great test for our relationship, but clearly it's not.

I go to bed everyday missing you even more. They say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. Well, not being around you equals Angry Sam. And no one likes Angry Sam. I guess for every Sam Puckett, there has to be a Freddie Benson. God, I'm so corny. Dating you has officially turned me into a daffodil. It makes me wanna barf.

So yeah.

Ham and Fatcakes,

Your Blonde Headed Demon

P.S. Now turn around and kiss me… Nub.

I feel like making a sequel! But I'm not sure if I could commit to it... Maybe I'll write it during my next bio lesson ;) What do you think?