I was unprepared last time. Like a flickering candle in a raging storm I was snuffed out of this frail existence in a blinding flash of white light. My attempts to bring the male population under my control failed miserably against the forces of good. I waited in the darkness for a second chance, another break from the deep trenches of reality. The anniversary of my birth arrived at last, hailing a glorious celebration and many offerings in my honor. Most of the alms were small, cheap, and pitiful, but one stood out above the rest. A brand new Dimension 2400 with Intel Celeron Processor. A humble beginning perhaps, but enough to start my reign of terror anew.
All I really need is a keyboard, a typewriter, or a pen and paper, but with this box of power I can do so much more. With the help of the wondrous Internet I can spread my influence like a virus, tainting the minds of others with my infection.
The disease?
Fanfiction.
My name?
Mary Sue.
"Not that I'm concerned," Spike began as he sank deeper into the couch, "but Ed's been gone almost a week now."
Jet poked his head out into the main room of the Bebop, "You don't think that Mary Sue person got to her, do you? She knocked out that girl's computer system last time. Heard there was nothing left after Ed got through with her. You don't think she..." He trailed off as he poked at a pan of green plants that had been fried and singed so badly they no longer resembled vegetables.
Spike twined his fingers behind his head and went quiet for a moment. "Mary Sue..." As he whispered the name, it was as if a spell came over him. His eyes glazed a bit and a dopey grin appeared on his face. "She's wonderful, isn't she?"
"Wonderful?" Jet asked with some concern. The goofy look on Spike's face was nothing out of the ordinary, but you could never be sure, "Are you feeling alright Spike?"
"Never better," he replied in a hollow voice, "Just thinking about Mary Sue is enough to set my heart aflutter..."
The pan of vegetables clanked on the stove as Jet set it down. "Aflutter..." he muttered. Not good. She'd gotten to him already. "But what about Julia?"
There was a rustling sound as Spike rolled over on the couch, "Who?"
"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Naruto, the spiky haired, number one ninja of Konoha village(in his own opinion of course), pushed his way out of a broom closet, followed closely by Sasuke, Neji, Kiba and Itachi.
"You're sick?" a boy in a blue shirt and black spiky hair groaned, "You weren't stuck in there and forced to make out with your brother!" Sasuke pointed an accusing finger at Itachi, who blinked a couple of times, then shrugged.
Neji coughed and tried to smooth down his silky black hair, "It's an unwritten law among those yaoi fangirls. If you hate another male, to them it means you have hidden feelings you're unable to express. The stronger the rage, the stronger they believe your desire to-"
Sasuke twitched, his finger still pointing at his brother, "But I hate him! I hate him soooo much! He killed our entire clan and beat the snot out of me on more occasions than I care to admit and-"
The interruption this time came from the wild-looking Kiba, who seemed to be choking on something. He looked over at the others, who had fallen silent, "Sorry... hairball."
Naruto slumped against the nearest wall in defeat, "I can't take much more of this..."
Itachi spoke up, his voice a bit muffled behind the tall neck of the jacket he wore, "It's not for us to decide. We're up against more than just a run-of-the-mill Mary Sue, we're up against a rabid fangirl..." He gestured slightly with his right hand, black nail polish visible on his fingertips. "Not only need we fear her desires for us, but her desire to... pair us up with others as well..." Itachi's red eyes darted to a corner of the room as though he'd seen something. "Is that a camera...?"
"Okay, stop the tape." A wiry boy in green spandex turned off the television set and flipped on a lightswitch, "I got this just the other day from Konoha village. Reports are rushing in from just about everywhere of similar occurances. Luckily I was unaffected by whatever it is that was making them act that way. That Itachi guy was scary, but with the helpful distraction of a few bottles of his favorite nail polish, I was able to get away..." Rock Lee sighed and his large square eyebrows tilted downward, "What can we do to stop this madness?"
Lee slumped in his chair. Something was going on. Not just in his world, but the worlds of all the other men now gathered in Gai Sensei's small apartment.
Lee's sensei, an older man with the same bowl cut hair style and same handsomely thick eyebrows, patted him on the back heartily, "Well done Lee!" Gai Sensei gestured grandly, "First we must find out what is causing this strange phenomenon and then we can put a stop to it!"
Taking up a large portion of the room was a muscular powerhouse of a man. He wore a dark blue military uniform, but had stripped off the shirt for dramatic emphasis. Tiny pink sparkles danced around him, from his blonde handlebar moustache to his shiny black boots. "What I want to know," he began, " is why none of us have been affected yet. I, of course, can contribute it to the wonderful Armstrong family line, which has been strong enough to withstand even the harshest conditions for generations, but that doesn't explain why the rest of you are still here."
"They ones affected must share a common trait... My underlings received word that everyone from the CLAMP universe was affected, yet no one from land of One Piece or the universe of Dragonball Z has sent in any such complaint. Their worlds appear to be perfectly intact." Shishio commented. He was wrapped head to toe in bandages and in the few places not wrapped, blackened skin or small tufts of hair showed through. Over his bandages he wore a dark blue kimono and a strange metal headband. His mouth was turned downward in a frown and he seemed uneasy.
The silence was broken by the jingle of tiny bells, each one affixed to the top of a spike of hair atop the head of the enormous Zaraki Kenpachi. His square face was covered in scars and split with a giant grin. Over his right eye was a strange, ornate-looking eyepatch. Despite his large size, his intelligence seemed somewhat limited. "But what could that be?"
Before an answer could be given, there was a loud pounding on the only door in the small apartment. Gai Sensei rushed to open it, revealing two young boys, one with bright orange hair, the other with short silver strands falling around his face.
"You've got to help us!" the silver-haired boy in a black school uniform gushed breathlessly.
The other, clad in cargo pants and a black shirt scowled angrily, "She won't leave us alone!"
Gai Sensei's massive eyebrows knit together in confusion. "She?"
Yuki Sohma tried to pull himself together, "It's... Mary Sue..."
A hush fell over the crowd of burly, ugly, or otherwise disfigured men in the room. There was silence for a moment before one of them blurted out, "...who's Mary Sue?"
Kyou Sohma blinked a few times before he snapped back to reality. "How can you not know who Mary Sue is!" It was a rather loud statement more than a question. "She's the most evil being to walk the earth!" Kyou was met once again by blank stares and ugly, but confused faces. "You know... she forces us to do terrible things like fall in love with her rather than stay with the canon couples. Or worse, she pairs us with other men..." He gave a visible shudder.
Kyou's message was once again met with nothing but vacant faces. Yuki looked downright stupefied. "You mean to say that none of you have ever been written into a Mary Sue fic?"
After another silence Yuki's shoulders slumped. Kyou's face brightened. "Maybe Mary Sue doesn't have any interest in 'em? They'd be perfect to fight against her!"
"Yuki-chaaaaaan! Kyou-kichi-kuuuuun! Where did you silly bakas go? Doko? Doko? I'm coming to find you desu!" the sound of her sweet voice pealed on the air. Yuki and Kyou cringed as she gleefully butchered the Japanese language.
Yuki's eyes darted nervously about the room, calculating the best place to hide, as Kyou ducked into a defensive stance, looking much a like a cat backed into a corner. "Aww... my little Neko-chan? Come on now, where have you two run off to? Come on out and play! I brought pixi stix! We can all have some and then run around and be hyper! No one's done that in a fic before!"
Another voice soon chimed in, "Sohma-san? Kyou-kun? It's Tohru! Come out and meet my new best friend Mary Sue! She's so very nice and sweet."
The door to Gai Sensei's apartment swung open to slowly reveal the flawless form of Mary Sue. Her body seemed to be changing almost constantly. For a moment she had cute little cat ears peeking out from behind her short cropped pink hair. In another moment she had fiery red eyes and long silky black hair. The last of an ancient race. The first of a new species. A powerful magician. A studious youth with impeccable grades and a pair of sophisticated glasses atop her button nose. No man could resist the spell of temptation set by Mary Sue. Their lives were hers to play with.
The Sohma boys froze in their tracks and an audible gasp went up from the other men in the small apartment as each one was smitten with her beauty, intelligence, and tragic past. The thin muscled, smaller boys that had burst into the room not so long ago were shoved aside as men with thick brows, no brows, huge muscles, bent noses, freakish outfits, and big eyelashes pushed their way forward.
"Mary Sue!" one boy tried to kiss her hand, but she recoiled quickly.
"Ugh, get away from me!" she shrieked, her shiny high heels clacking loudly on the floor.
"Pick me Mary Sue!" came another shout, followed by a series of spandex-clad poses.
She screamed again, "My eyes! My lovely luminous orbs!"
"Miss Mary Sue, I'll gladly spend my life savings on you!"
"No Mary Sue, let me!"
Mary's eyes scanned the room as her world was turned upside-down. Hideous abominations of nature were vying for her affection while in far corners of the room other overly muscular men were consoling one another as single tears ran down cheeks. She didn't watch long enough to see what else they were doing. All for her. Mary Sue's matchless body gave a shudder. It wasn't right. What were these horrible creatures? Her natural charisma had charmed even these disgusting wretches. Were they beautiful, like her other adoring fans, she wouldn't mind, but these... these things... she'd come terribly unprepared for something like this. Her own power was being used against her.
"Mary Sue!"
"Over here Mary!"
Her world was collapsing in around her. Once a beautiful place where every eligible man was either madly in love with her or making out with another suitably beautiful man, was now been marred by these hideous brutes. A scream of terror escaped her lips as she ran madly from the repulsive looking males.
Yuki and Kyou breathed sighs of relief. Despite their many bruises and bumps from the recent stampede, they were feeling much better now that Mary Sue had been defeated once again. Yuki put forth a hand of goodwill to the nearest man, "You've saved us all by discovering her weakness."
"Weakness?" Rock Lee raised an obscenely large, rectangular eyebrow, "What do you mean?"
Kyou bristled, "Isn't it obvious? She couldn't stand yer ugly faces!"
"Ugly?" Lee's face was a mess of confusion as he looked up to his sensei, Gai, "I've never been in a room full of more dashing, handsome, manly men! What could he possibly mean?"
Tears flowed freely from Gai's eyes as he struck a noble pose, "Excellent job Lee! Though the world has yet to see it, you have realized our greatness while still in the springtime of your youth! No, never in the world has there been such a stunning display of manliness! You gaze upon the-"
Kyou twitched as the speech continued, "I think I've had about enough..."
Yuki nodded, "for once, we agree. I think it would be best if we kept this our little secret. The anime world isn't ready for the... greatness of these heroes just yet."