Disclaimer: I do not own anything. This is an entire fiction. I am not affiliated to Glee or its members.
Summary: Dianna and Lea get to have dinner together after shooting the episode Born this way and singing "pretty/unpretty". And they talk...
The rabbit hole
"Mmm… Yummy! You need to try this." Dianna said as she turned around -spoon in hand, and started walking towards the couch.
"I can come over there, you know. There's no need of leaving a track of tomato sauce all over your living room's floor" Lea stated, laughing and getting up the couch.
"It's okay, just open your mouth." She ordered.
Lea did what she was requested. Meanwhile Dianna concentrated on raising her hand slowly, trying not to spill too much sauce so that there'd be something left for Lea to taste. She leaned forward, focused on Lea's open mouth and failed miserably.
Lea laughed out loudly, still holding the empty spoon with her teeth. She took it out and gave it back to Dianna, who instantly spun around in embarrassment.
"Wait!" Lea giggled and grabbed Dianna's shoulder, making her turn back. Lea freed a mischievous smile and ran her finger over her chin, carrying the drops that have been spilled there straight to her lips.
"Mmm…Delicious" she stated, eyes shining, smile getting wider.
"Good." Dianna simply answered with a satisfied smile.
"I told you that wasn't the brightest idea" Lea said.
"Let's just say not very… practical, maybe?" Dianna rectified. "By the way, that thing you did with your finger… it was gross. And I was going to bring you back another spoon, anyway… " She giggled.
"Another empty spoon? No, thank you."
"Whatever" Dianna grumbled, turning around once more. "Now I have a tomato path back to the kitchen so that I don't get lost." She giggled, pointing down at the red line that crossed her apartment.
"Who knows? It might surprise you and lead you to that rabbit hole you're always looking for."
"You are right! I think I can see a little red footprint over there!" Dianna yelled, narrowing her eyes and pointing forwards.
"You are hopeless!"
"Hopeful…" She rectified. "Now, where's that damn rabbit?"
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Later that evening, sat at the table, stomachs full of spaghetti and tomato sauce, floor cleaned… they smiled at each other.
"I'm glad you came, it's been a while since we last had dinner together." Dianna said.
"Yeah…! I miss you, you know. I miss your amazing recipes. " Lea said with a soft smile.
"Sorry I invited you today, you look tired."
"Well, it's been a very long, tiring day… but also a really happy one, right?"
"Yes, that's why I asked you to come over: to celebrate!" Dianna cried out. "Maybe Quinn didn't enjoy this episode very much, but I certainly did. So, come on, raise your glass…to Gaga and self-acceptance and all that is good in life!"
"Okay! I guess someone's more optimistic than usual today…" Lea added, raising her glass. "To us." She cheered and their eyes met.
"I really loved to get to share a song with you, specially this one. It was the best song I've got to sing so far. I mean…I guess you've already realized that you always get better songs than I do, for obvious reasons of course… I don't blame them."
"I don't know what you're talking about" Lea deflected, pretending to be embarrassed.
"Anyway…"She giggled. "As I was saying, this song…aagh! I just love it! It's so moving to me: it talks to me about self-love and strength and confidence. But at the same time it talks to me about sadness and frustration. It leaves me with this bittersweet feeling that is so… so disconcerting."
"Hope… that's what this song talks to me about. It's about seeing that is not one way or another: it's neither of them. Being pretty, being unpretty is just a label that someone gives us, you can take it and live your life according to it or… you can refuse it and let your life be ruled by other principles and values. Those ones you choose."
"You've clearly thought about the song, haven't you?" Dianna said through a gentle smile. "It means something to you too" She added looking down at her plate. "Guess that's why you were so quiet today…?"
"Well, you know Rachel Berry is not that different from me." She first laughed, but then sighed and pulled her eyes down. "Guess I've been there too."
"Tell me…" Dianna asked for. But then she noticed Lea not being so comfortable about it. "Tell me more about what this song means to you…please?" She timidly inquired.
"I guess…" She began, looking inside her head. "I think it's too dangerous for anyone to rely on something as fragile and fleeting as prettiness can be…" She said finding Dianna's eyes. "And it's just stupid to equal it to happiness."
And when Dianna was about to open her mouth, she continued… "And don't forget how fucking arbitrary prettiness can be. For example, right now, if we had to tell, there would be no objection that you are the prettiest girl in this room. But… let's say that Angelina Jolie walks in here right…now!" She cheered herself up a little bit and pointed abruptly at the door. Dianna smiled, not moving her attention from Lea.
"Anyway…" Lea carried on. "In that case almost everyone would consider her the prettiest of the three of us. I said almost because I would object, of course…" She threw with a flirting smile. "My point is that it's all about perspective, it's not exact science. And even if it was, I would choose not to believe in it."
"It's just too cruel." Dianna added quietly, embracing Lea's words, asking for permission to follow her thoughts. And Lea simply nodded.
"So, for you… this song is about taking control over your own life, about being the one who governs it."
"Exactly... Just don't stick yourself to fake values that will make you fly low and, eventually, will make you fall over."
"Well we may talk about beauty instead of prettiness. It would be a more democratic and kinder version of the last one, right?" She smiled. "I can see beauty in human spirit, I can see beauty in friendship, and I can see beauty in love…" Dianna shared, remembering that optimism from earlier.
"I believe so." Lea agreed with a knowing smile.
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They both cleaned up the table in a familiar silence, both of them lost on what seemed shared thoughts. However, after they moved to the living room carrying the bottle of wine and the glasses, once sat on the couch, Dianna spoke up her worries.
"Today's song made me wonder where I am standing." She started. "Not long ago I used to be myself without even questioning it. I did what I felt. I enjoyed acting so I just kept doing it. I'm not lying to you: acting is not my life, is only one of the many, many things that make me. I do feel passionate about it, as long as I do about lots of other things. I believe passion is the best combustible to put someone in movement. But somehow this little passion got me inside this set up artificial world where someone came and put a huge label on my forehead, a label I keep trying to read; it's invisible to me but everyone else seem to be able to read it, and no matter how hard I try to clean it out, it remains there…" She took a breath and looked at Lea. She felt a little intimidated when she realized she had captured Lea's full attention. But she still carried on.
"Now the only thing I can truly feel is this uncontrollable need of being constantly questioning myself, to remember who I was, who I am and finally who I want to be. And you know what? This is not being, this is the opposite of being… I'm stuck.
I used to be a universe in expansion, expanding from the inside. Now there's this outside pressure pulling me back, attempting to reduce me to that damn label of "famous pretty actress". Maybe not even that, just "famous pretty girl", just "famous pretty face."
Suddenly, Dianna panicked at the idea of how lame and pretentious her words could have sounded. In fact, they might have sounded that way… but not for Lea. Lea's ears heard her well; they heard concern and honesty. Lea's solemn expression told her so.
"Sometimes I'm scared. I'm just scared of these things taking control over me and who I am, you know… taking control over my soul. I'm afraid of those fake values directing my future steps; becoming my new combustible, instead of passion… honest inside passion. It's as if a war between this world and me had been settled. I had never been more aware of myself and I'm tired and frustrated!" Dianna began to sob, her voice growing louder and cracked. "I'm afraid I'm not strong enough or confident enough…!"
"Stop it Dianna, just stop it! Hey, what was all that about? I mean… I know what you're talking about, I'm certainly sure I understand your frustration and your fears… But, that angst…, where's all that angst coming from?" Lea finally interjected, too worried now to watch Dianna walk down that path.
"I'm sorry. It's just… I guess I'm a little overwhelmed." Dianna said washing her tears, in an attempt to back away.
"Is it something specific? Tell me. What is it?" Lea insisted, leaning forward and searching for Dianna's hand.
Dianna stared down at their intertwined hands.
"Well, I've been offered a couple of roles in movies, recently. Honestly, I don't find any of them interesting at all." She spoke a little more calm down this time.
"Then drop them."
"I know…But then I start feeling the pressure… people, my agent specially, friends, even family! And I just don't know anymore… Suddenly, I find myself incapable of speaking up and making decisions on my own." Dianna whimpered.
She let her hand free from Lea's, turned around, and went for the bottle of wine that rested on the coffee table, right in front of her. She grabbed a glass and poured herself some. She drank and then carried on.
"I start to put things in balance. I know I have to give in a little bit, but there has to be a limit. And I know it's me the one who's going to set it." Dianna said while she swayed her glass of wine, gesticulating with her arms. "There's a difference between learning and growing as an actress, than becoming just an empty name. I guess it has to be possible to have both talent and name, but sometimes it's just too easy to go with the flow…" She drank a big gulp. "I mean, If you let yourself go, if you trust them to guide you, you might get out of the whole process without nothing more than your minute of fame and some money in your pocket… And I just don't give a damn about that." She placed her empty glass down on her knees quite discouraged. She leaned back a bit and let herself rest on the comfortable couch.
Lea stared Dianna's side for a while. She seemed still thoughtful and defeated. Lea took Dianna's hand again and spoke to her.
"You've got integrity, Dianna. The matter that you even notice the existential crosswords you are put into, because of your career, is a faithful proof of that integrity.
That's what's going to stop you from being someone else, someone you don't want to be."
"Thanks." Dianna said back, turning her head to show Lea a grateful smile. "Thank you for believe in me."
"I do believe in you, but more than anything I want you to believe in yourself; because that's what's going to protect you from those who don't believe in you."
Dianna nodded, her eyes lost in the room for a while. "Well, I'm working on that you know" She said looking at Lea back again. "Despite the heavy schedule, I keep saving time for the things I like, those things that connect me with my own self."
"And which are those things exactly?"
"You know… art!" Dianna cheered up. "Reading, writing, reading, photography and some more reading…" She giggled. "Talking to people… a good conversation can be a piece of art itself, you know?" She said pulling her eyes down shyly. "I adore talking to you like this… as if I was talking to myself, but a lot better of course! I mean, feeling comfortable, setting aside every filter." She added locking eyes with Lea; now honesty holding her timid sight.
"I'm glad you say that. Your trust means the world to me. And I just love listening to your thoughts, telling you mine… almost as much as I love watching you laugh." Lea said and watched Dianna try to hide her blush behind an empty glass, from which she pretended to be drinking.
"Your glass… is empty" Lea pointed out with a smirk.
"Oh!" Dianna yelled. "How stupid, I hadn't notice." She admitted quite embarrassed.
"Let me serve you." Lea offered.
"I shouldn't… but what the hell!" Dianna laughed out
"I'm sorry to bring your hopes down…" She said while filling the glass. "But maybe there's no rabbit hole for you at all. I mean, after all, art is that place where you can turn everything upside down, right? That's an authentic non sense world to me"
"I guess so but… there's something I haven't tell you yet."
"What's that?"
"My non sense, my rabbit hole… I've found it." Dianna declared.
"And I thought that it was just a quote… will you show me?"
"Someday I will, I promise."
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Later, back in the kitchen, Lea stood over the sink doing the dishes. She turned her head to face Dianna, who stood next to Lea drying the stuff and putting them away.
"Want to know why I was so quiet earlier today?" Lea offered.
"Please…" Dianna asked for as if she needed to know.
Lea nodded and couldn't stop the grateful smile that crawled her face.
"Watch out! here goes my speech…" she added with naughty eyes and a resign smile.
Dianna smiled back.
"When I entered this "artificial world" as you well called it, I was just a kid. And as much as acting was a hobby to you, it was a game to me. Basically, it was fun. But then, growing up, I felt passionate about it and I worked hard and I got better. Suddenly, I found myself taking things a lot more seriously. And I grew aware of stuff… I grew aware of my limits." Lea spoke while her sight traveled from Dianna to the sink full of water and back to Dianna.
"The acting world can be a very superficial and stereotypical place. And as our song says I was put into a position, a position that would bring me strings and frustration. I was not the pretty girl exactly… I was the ethnic girl, as they would rather call it." Lea handed the last plate to Dianna, and turned to face her completely.
"I don't know if fixing my nose would have made such a big difference…" Lea admitted timidly and Dianna stepped closer.
"But many people certainly believed so and encouraged me to do it. Luckily, and thank to the people who truly loved me and respected me; I stepped aside just in time, I didn't go with the flow. I grew myself strong. Frustration kept coming… and also pain kept coming." And Lea began to fight some tears back.
"But, somehow, through pain I became tougher and didn't have to worry that much about finding strength anymore… So, I just got to relax and be…"
"Yourself." Dianna finished for her. "And you got to be what you struggled for, what you built."
"Yes. Or maybe, I got to be what I had always been and chose not to change." Lea offered. Her eyes stared far away, over Dianna's shoulder. Still blurry, they fiercely looked for some clearness.
Dianna raised her hand slowly, up the length of Lea's arm, up her shoulders, up her neck; and placed it on her cheek. With a soft pressure, she forced Lea to look at her. When Lea did so, Dianna spoke.
"You know… pain might have grown you tough, but it has also grown you sweet and kind. And…compassionate."
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The next five minutes passed by in complete silence. Dianna made some tea and they moved back to the living room. As soon as they landed on the couch, Lea spoke like if she had been waiting to continue their conversation.
"Talking about pain… I want to ask you something. All that angst which overcame you earlier, where did it come from? Is it work the only reason you find to explain it?"
"What do you mean?"
"I want to know if there's something else bothering you, hurting you. I need to know."
"I don't know, Lea. At least, there's nothing more I can say. I'm confused…" Dianna offered vaguely, trying to leave it there.
But Lea kept staring at her, as if she was expecting something else. Dianna grew uncomfortable under Lea's stare: she crossed and uncrossed her legs; she ran her hand through her hair. More than anything, she avoided Lea's eyes. This meant one thing: there was something else there, something Dianna was trying to hide. And Lea got it.
"Oh! Come on Dianna… we're almost there just take another step." Lea yelled, determined to get to the bottom of it.
"I don't… I don't know what you want from me." Dianna stuttered through an awkward smile; almost surprised, almost panicked by Lea's thrust.
"I want you to watch throughout that confusion. I know you can do it. I know you can." Lea stated. And the immutable expression on her face, the resolution in her eyes, told Dianna she had no choice. Lea wasn't encouraging Dianna to talk; she was obliging her to do it.
"I'm too scared." Dianna cried, and that was all she could say before she broke apart. She started to sob and the fear and the pain flourished.
Dianna didn't deny it and somehow, through that fear, she accepted it. So, Lea took that answer, embraced it, and kept pushing.
"You've figured it out. You know something about yourself, something people won't take in so easily. This is what all was about…" She threw at Dianna.
"Lea, please…"
"Dianna, remember what I told you: life will make you tougher, pain will make you tougher…but first you need to let pain in, you need to let life in. For that, you have to be strong, you have to be brave." Lea said while leaning Dianna a hand.
But Dianna, instead, stood up and walked away to the opposite side of the room. She kept sobbing and covering her face. She was truly overwhelmed, but Lea knew she would still listen. So she kept talking.
"Dianna, you are already in pain…" Lea spoke from the couch. "And that won't change, unless you take it all in and give yourself the chance to turn it into something better." Lea stood up and begged. "Do it not just for yourself, but for me too."
Then, Dianna turned to Lea and looked at her. They were just a few steps away from each other. Lea pleaded, but her feet kept still. She expected Dianna to reason and take the risk herself.
"Can't you see it?" She wondered. "I'm waiting for you here" She said, opening her arms, raising her shoulders and letting them fall, in defeat and resignation.
"I want you taking the first step. I'm waiting for you to be brave! I want to make you see you can be brave… But you won't do anything, you won't even say anything!" She finally spoke growing in anger.
"Right now, I feel like I've never been more frustrated in my entire life; and, as I told you before, I know about frustration!" Lea yelled.
"Where… where's your compassion?" Dianna breathed out.
"My compassion?" Lea grumbled, shaking her head as if she couldn't believe her ears. "You know, tonight, when I felt your angst, I knew it… I just knew it because I…I feel that same angst." She admitted lowering her voice and sight. "I'm sharing my pain with you now, so… show me your compassion…" She finished.
Dianna stared from the other side of the room. Her body still, her sight fixated on Lea. But her blurry eyes were completely empty. She wouldn't react because she wasn't listening anymore, she wasn't there…
However, when Lea made an attempt to get closer, as almost a reflects, Dianna stepped back. Right then, Lea finally lost it…
She moved straight to where Dianna was standing. As she moved forward, Dianna stepped back. But Lea didn't stop until Dianna's back hit the wall; and they stood face to face.
"This is what you're waiting for?" Lea murmured shaking her head. "You need to have no choice, no way to escape or deny it, in order to make your move?" Lea asked with clenched teeth and infuriated eyes.
"It's not the playful flirting, it's not the spoiling, it's not your undeniable sweetness, you know. I mean, that's you, that's the way you treat people. But, then, there are these gestures and this way of looking at me, and just me. It's as if you could disarm me with your eyes, and you knew it… and still kept doing it." Lea accused.
Dianna didn't move. She kept staring at Lea in the eyes, but now her expression was severe, her eyebrows furrowed, almost defiant.
"I don't care if it's your intention or not. It's beyond that. It's there; you know it's there…" Lea whimpered.
"You seduce me, Dianna." She stated, as a matter of fact.
Dianna held her stare, still defiant.
Lea softened her voice, in order to calm down both of them, and tried once more. "You are in a position where you are not allowed to feel the way you do feel. Now it's when you need to step aside and let the flow go." She spoke.
Dianna sighed deeply and showed defeat in her eyes.
Lea leaned forward a bit, still not touching Dianna, and placed her left arm against the wall, right beside Dianna's head. She turned left, fixating her empty eyes on the wall.
"Guess you're waiting for a little push." Lea stated as she searched for any sign of life, any sign of hope, inside Dianna's eyes. Nothing came.
Lea buried her face on her left shoulder, arm still on the wall. She raised her right hand and let it free. It went straight to Dianna's face. Dianna lost herself in that caress and pressed her cheek into the loving hand. Then, a thumb sliding over her lips… and she just lost it.
Dianna looked for Lea's still hiding face. She grabbed her chin and forced her head back erected until they were face to face again. Finally, Lea could see the love in those watering but shining eyes. Her heart melted, but then she thought: I need to make you feel all you have to feel, all you are going to feel.
Lea stared for a few seconds with already excusing eyes. Then, she just buried her face against her shoulder again and lowered her right hand, down their hips. It made its way among Dianna's clothes and held on for a moment. Then she pushed inside.
Dianna let out a sour moan. "You hurt me" She cried.
Lea couldn't help it and started to sob against her own shoulder, not being able to face Dianna's eyes.
"I know and I'm sorry…but I will hurt. People hurt, Dianna, life hurts." Lea said with a shaky voice, her face still covered.
"You've got to take both love and pain. You'll get tougher and pain will soften, but you need to be strong first. You won't be alone… the same thing is to me. Be brave, Dianna, be brave for me." Lea spoke with honesty, pleading for Dianna to fight.
They stayed like that, still, for a couple of minutes. Then, the agonic silence was cut, by the sound of Dianna's body moving.
She detached her lower back away from the wall, pressing into Lea's hand and getting closer to her. She started to slowly rock her body… back and forward, back and forward…
A breaking Lea, suddenly awakened, built herself up. She fiercely pressed her body against Dianna's, and lifted her head up to find her sight. But she didn't find hazel.
Dianna's head leaned back looking up to the ceiling, eyes shut and mouth slightly agape. The blonde's body kept moving as Lea felt her yet still hand getting wetter. Before she even noticed her hand was moving along with Dianna; and then her whole body joined them, in the sweetest dance.
When Dianna's breath got heavier, she straightened her head and brought her sight back to Lea. Right then and there, clothes still on, Dianna let herself be naked and vulnerable; just throughout her eyes, throughout those ever telling eyes. And that way, while Dianna's breath kept rising, Lea could finally let her shoulders relax and her lungs breathe peacefully.
They brought their foreheads together and their eyes shut. They lost themselves in half an embrace, half a dance too erratic by now. The small gap between their mouths wouldn't give them enough air to breath and they seemed to be fighting for it… but none of them wanted to back out.
Finally, Dianna's respiration ceased. Her mouth suddenly closed and her teeth clenched. She fell into Lea's arms, defeated.
They didn't talk anymore that night; enough things had been said. But only one last sentence, among kisses and caresses, was spoken: "You are my rabbit hole".