A/N: I have kind of recovered from the Merlin finale, even though writing this I was tearing up – sobbing uncontrollably – I wanted to do something showing how Gwen feels with the loss of Arthur. This is set a year after the dreaded day and shows her… well crying. It's more than that but… yeah.
Illusive Birds xxx
P.S I have changed my name, formerly BookLover98.
Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. The honours go to the BBC.
Possibly the hardest thing I had to do…
was to say a final goodbye to you.
The tears of a Queen
It was days like these when she really needed him.
When Camelot was dark and the ashes fell around the city.
When the fires burned bright and hungry she needed his reassurance that it was alright. That what she was doing was good.
Once a month she would ride out to the lake, its waters rippling in front of her, the solitary tower rising out of the fog. Yet today she could not go. A year of Camelot without its king to rain with his Queen, a long year full of… full of recovery and pitied looks had passed.
Today she had stayed inside the thick walls of the castle, inside her chambers, staring at his possessions. His clothes lay in the cupboard awaiting use - Left over weapons abandoned in the armoury. The ring she was never without was smudged with her fingerprints that she had twisted onto the surface.
Outside the window she could see a blur of orange as the people of Camelot remembered their Once and Future king.
There were times when she couldn't handle it. Of course she never showed it, she was the Queen, she had a kingdom to run, however when Merlin had left after seeing she was alright she allowed herself to mourn.
Sitting at the table she sat, arms crossed hugging herself, smoothing the arms of her white night dress with her cold hands. The ring lay in front of her, the emblem of Camelot shone towards her.
"Arthur." She whispered eyes blurry and nose blocked.
"I miss you." The tears spilled over her cheeks and a sob rose in her throat.
"I don't think I can do this without you." Her words were broken and chocked and she wiped at her face with shaking hands.
"I love you… With all my heart." She mouthed the last words. Taking a gulp of air and sitting up straight she slowly put the ring on her finger. A perfect fit.
The window near the bed was open and she could make out the silhouettes of the people as she pulled the covers up to her chin. She knew some of the knights would be out there paying homage to the friends they lost and the king they once served.
An inner repetitive monologue ran through her head leaking out of her mouth in whispered breaths.
I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this anymore.
Of course she knew she had to, as the Queen she had to. For Arthur she was strong and for Arthur she was weak.