86 Letters

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Mark Schwahn, my hero. I own none of them, unfortunately. No copyright infringement intended.

Timeline:Starts when Peyton tells Brooke she has feelings for Lucas, until episode 11 of Season 5, You're Gonna Need Someone On Your Side.

Summary: Brooke wrote 4 more letters that she never sent to Lucas.

Author's note: In episode 11 of season 5, when Peyton comes into Brooke's C/B store, she hands her an envelope, and Brooke tells her "if that's letter number 86 from the side box of Lucas' summer, you can keep it." She said 86 instead of 82, and even though a lot of us saw this as a mistake from the writers, Mark said that it would be explained later on (I am assuming Season 6). But I can hardly wait until then, so I've started to write those letters.

Here is the first letter, and the next 3 will come soon… if my muse cooperates ;-)

This is only my second BL/OTH fic, but I hope to do justice to those two characters I love so much.

83

Luke,

Today feels like the hardest day of my life.

I woke up yesterday with my heart yearning for you and elated at the thought of your return. I held you in arms during Nathan and Haley's rehearsal dinner, proof of their unwavering love for each other. I felt your heart beat against mine when you embraced me, and suddenly everything was alright in my world.

And then it all crashed down on me again.

I am writing yet another letter, but I know I can never give this one to you. I no longer have the right. She took it away, with a few words whispered amidst tears and broken hearts.

She loves you, Luke. No wait, scratch that. She is in love with you. My Peyton, my best friend, who gave me her blessing when I said I wanted to give us another chance. She looked me right in the eye and said she wouldn't stand in our way again, only to confess her undying love for you last night, mere months later.

And as the second the words rolled off her tongue, something in me broke, because I knew. I hate her for doing this, because she knows what it means just as well as I do. She wasn't just being honest with me. That's just bullshit. She knows how much I love her. She knows that this friendship means the world to me. She was my family when my own parents wouldn't even take the time to visit me for my own birthday. I didn't grow up alone – I grew up with her.

And she knew, when she confessed to me that she still had feelings for you, what it meant.

I have to let you go.

But God, Luke, I am so in love with you. So much that the mere idea of letting you go for just one day breaks me into a million pieces – pieces you will not be there to pick up. It kills me inside, and I know it will haunt me for the rest of my days.

You're the guy for me, Luke. I wasn't sure before, but ever since that night on the beach, those words have been anchored in my heart, keeping my feet on the ground while my heart has been soaring heights. You're the guy for me, and it's what makes this so difficult.

And yet I know how it goes. Peyton loves you, and you… you've had a crush on her ever since you first laid eyes on her, years ago. You may not see her in that light now, but I know that someday you will. Someday you will wonder what could have been – what should have been, according to everybody. According to you, too. You're the tortured athlete and she's the tortured artist. That's the way you thought it should be for a long time.

And one day you're going to look at me and I'm only going to be standing in the way of the future you had always envisioned with Peyton. One day you're going to break my heart, again. It's inevitable, just like we were. The difference is Peyton and you are… destiny. Right, Luke? Isn't that it? I have to believe that. Because if not, what I'm about to do will have been for nothing.

I think what hurts the most right now is the knowledge of how I'm going to have to let you go. I've been thinking as I've been lying here. I can't tell you that this is about Peyton. If I do, you will deny it, and say that you don't have feelings for her. You may not right now, but someday you will, and you need to realize this on your own. And so I know what I have to do. I've been rehearsing it in my head, down to the very last word.

I guess because of it I stopped missing you.

I love you Lucas, and I probably always will.

But I can't do this anymore.

I can't say that everything about this relationship has been easy. You're a mystery of your own, Lucas Scott, and the way you have kept your heart closed to me in the event of Keith's death hurt me more than I could tell you. I wanted you to let me all the way in, but you just couldn't. You never could.

And maybe that sums it all up. I want everything with you, but there's a part of your heart you never opened up to me. Maybe that part is Peyton's – maybe all of it is Peyton's. Your heart, your mind, your future. Everything.

I hope you make her happy, Luke. I hope that with all my heart. And I hope that one day I can stand next to the two of you and not hurt like I think it will hurt. The truth is it already does. So much. So bad.

But the hardest part is not letting you go or how much it hurts. The hardest part is that I can't help but believe that one day you will come back to me. Part of me hopes you won't believe that I somehow stopped missing you. Part of me hopes you will fight for me until I can no longer stand the lie. Part of me hopes you will not go running straight into her opens arms, but instead prove to the world that I am the one for you.

I hope you prove me right, but my hope has been crushed by Peyton's words. It's like I can't breathe anymore.

But it's all for your happiness, and Peyton's.

I just have to convince myself that someday this will all be okay.

Your Pretty Girl