Wish You Were Here
Song by: Pink Floyd
Characters by: Clamp
Story by: Me ^_^
//So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?\\
Visual poetry.
That's what you are, my Subaru-kun. So...refreshing...would that be the correct word?
Yes.
You are a nice break from the daily struggle known as life, even though you carry your own chip upon your shoulder. But sometimes I catch you in a state of pure bliss. When it was only me and you, I would whisper words of affection that no other ears were permitted to hear. It was only the two of us, and that's how I wish life should remain as.
But nothing golden can last.
Ah, my Subaru. Yes, you heard correctly, MY Subaru. I never thought I would become so damn possesive within one year. How I wish for that year to return.
Such a year it was.
But, as I have said. Nothing golden can last.
I think that was the only time I discovered true happiness.
//Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?\\
My, I look upon you now. You have matured quite a bit. Yes, sometimes I check up on you when I am still awake in the lonely hours of the night. Mainly you sleep, and I'll sit there for hours, peerched upon a branch outside of your window.
Other times I see you in you kitchen, reading under a dim light or tapping away listlessly at your computer.
But on a rare occasion, I see you by the great Sakura tree in Ueno Park. You sit there for hours, feeling deeply....alone. Yet, you are not alone. Your sister resides there. And so do I.
Your visage, your expression...you're not the same boy I one knew. And yet, you are. You're so cold and calloused. And even the way you dress, it's so, normal?
Heh, that's a change.
But yet, beneath your grimace, your eyes are so revealing. They show vulenerability and confusion. And many unshed tears.
And even at night, while you sleep, your face shows it's true innocence. At night, sometimes I hear you cry out. And at night, I see tears falling down your face, while the moon illuminates your pale cheeks.
And you are a beautiful, broken human.
And although you may have matured physically, I believe you still have the same questions that were proposed from five years ago. And I have questions for you.
//And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?\\
Do you still carry trust in other humans? No. You are by yourself and prefer solitude. I don't believe you'll ever open up again, you are too wounded.
I don't blame you.
Do you still hold all your morals and beliefs, or did you throw them out the window as you did with faith in me?
You are heading out the door, and so late, too. I suppose when you are a Sumergari, your job consumes all the time in your life. Ah, Subaru-kun, do you remember when life as so carefree? When I would take you atop the Tokyo Tower, and your hair would rustle in the breeze. It seems like yesterday, but it's probably just a distant memory for you, ne?
You've probably just tried to push it out of your memory.
A sigh. One of the few I have ever given. I have shaped you and destroyed you. And I have no idea why. I just wish you would move on and not carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's so depressing. And that's my fault, too.
Why did you allow yourself to be so influenced and persuaded by me?
You cared. You were young. You were a moron.
I took advantage. I fucked you up for life. I was selfish.
This is more punishment on my half, seeing you like this, than it is for you, my Subaru-kun.
//And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?\\
Temptation grows strong, and I slide open the window from the outside, slipping in. You are here so much, but I have barely seen what you have done to the place from the last time I stepped within.
"Five whole years," I mutter unintentionally. I take a look, absorbing my surroundings. Getting used to the feel that was once warm, now clamy. Making my way to the kitchen, I look down at the table and glance at the papers scattered across the surface. Reports on poltergiests and exorcisms. I pick a few up and soon replace them, growing somewhat uninterested.
That's a part of my life I dropped long ago. Ghost hunts weren't my style anymore.
I was the one who made ghosts, now.
Sorry, Hokuto. You'd be disappointed in me now-a-days.
A sad smile is drawn across my face. Looking over, something else catches my eye.
A packet of cigarettes.
A printed out online conversation.
Subaru really has grown quite a bit. Lighting a cigarette and convincing myself I'm doing the world a whole lot of good, one smoke at a time. That's all it'll take to kill me. After taking the initial inhale, I pick up the conversation and turn the light on above my head.
"You have information on the group Sakurazukamori?"
"Yes, what do you need to know?"
"Can you pinpoint any one of them?"
"Yeah. Do you mind if I ask who and why?"
"His name is Seishriou Sakurazuka...well before he changed his last name. Y'know?"
"Yeah."
"...let's just say I have a score to settle."
"Done. I'll fax you the information later. Gotta get to bed."
"Arigatou. Ja ne."
Hm, you are still searching for me? I'm not sure whether to be touched or not. You have so many better things to do in your life, Subaru. Why be consumed in me? Does this really tear apart your insides? Prehaps I should smoke another one. One more cigarette closer to death.
Becoming bored with the table, I turn off the light and my course is directed towards the bedroom. Oh, the plans I had for you in there.
Too bad we ran out of time.
Your curtains are naturally pulled apart and moonlight floods the area, so there is no need to turn the light on. Sitting down, I exhale slowly, letting shapeless curls of smoke surround my head, making a deeply-scented crown. Looking at the floor, I notice clothing spread across the entire area. So much for laundry, ne?
Inhale. Exhale. Chest rising and falling, almost rythmatically. I scan the area once again. Out of curiosity, I open the drawer to your nightstand. Such a snoop, I haven't changed much. Pulling out tissues and odd assortments, my fingers grasp hold of a glossy sheet of paper.
My jaw drops.
I am brought to my knees.
Are you proud, Sumegari? You are the only one who could do this.
//How I wish, how I wish you were here.\\
I bring the picture to my eyes and adjust my glasses. Just to make sure this is really in front of me. Oh, it's real alright.
It's a picture of the three of us.
An old one, if I may comment. Y-you still have this? Why? Prehaps because of Hokuto...but...there are many pictures of you two. Why this one? I take a closer look. My arm is placed firmly around your waist, and your face is bright red. One of the many times.
I smile sadly.
And for the first time in my life, a small, silver tear finds it's way from my eye onto the picture, leaving it's mark. Just one tear. For just one person.
Could you be this lonely? Do you still hold onto the past?
//We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.\\
It's amazing the turn of events. The Sakurazukamori...not heartless after all? Maybe it's just guilt. Who knows?
...All that matters is you are mine. And as long as one of us are alive, the other will always remember. But what does it matter?
As far as we go, we're both dead inside...then why do we go on living? What purpose is there?
There must be some messed up reason written in the stars. Maybe it's tourture, just to see how vulnerable humans really are. That we aren't the greatest creatures to grace the universe. A punishment for our arrogance. Yeah, that's convincing.
Maybe someone should remind me why I continuously crawl back to this place. Is it to re-live dead memories?
Memoies that died out a long time ago.
So why, my dear Subaru-kun, do you keep that picture. Probably to remind yourself what I looked like...just so when you see my bleeding carcess, you can smirk at me.
Well, that's probably the only reasonable thing. Any other thoughts may raise hopes, only to be crushed and buried in total mortification.
//What have we found?
The same old fears.\\
Putting the picture back into it's proper place, I close the drawer and shove my hands into my pockets, walking to the living area. Cigarette completely burned out, I find myself heading to the kitchen. Dishes completely fill the sink, all filthy and some seem to be gathering mold almost. A cold pot of coffee is what mainly is in my range, so I find a coffee mug. Amazingly enough, all silverware and dishware is still in it's original place from before I left.
I pour myself some coffee and take a seat at the familiar table. The house is so dark, but I'm able to find my way around. I know this place well enough.
I was almost afraid to find things change. I guess I've always been paranoid about change, I'm uncomfortable when it happens. Some weird phobia or another...
Not much has changed in our personal lives from five years ago.
Except we are no longer together.
I hear a soft click, and my attention is drawn back into reality. He is home...how long have I been in here? Will we be able to face each other?
Well, what happens, happens.
The door slowly opens. A rough night, Sumegari?
Now in the doorway, you stop and stand fully errect. You can sence my presence. It must have hit you full force when you opened the door. You twitch slightly, not sure to enter your apartment, ready to defend yourself if I were to attack. Will I?
"Hello Subaru."
A moment of silence. You are now trembling. Why are you acting so weak? That is not like my Subaru-kun at all.
"Y-you! What are you doing in my home?" you hiss, but at the same time almost shriek.
Taking my time, I put my cup down and slowly stand up.
"Don't you get up too fast...get back," you say angrily. I can feel your aurora getting stronger. It's understandable why you're nervous. You weren't expecting this at all. Normally you have such a calm personality, but seeing me in your own home...hell, I'd be freaked out too.
I begin to walk towards you. You are so beautiful. A regular god. Those bright green eyes I have come to admire so much are filled with bewilderment and...fury? I have never seen such a thing within those wonderful pools that I so easily drown in. Prehaps it is resentment...
Taking a deep breath, you regain a calm composure and stares directly at me. I want to reach out and touch you as I have before so many times. Then you speak.
"Get out of here."
I am taken back a bit. No warm welcome, although I wasn't expecting one, but some part of me wished you would take me in...
I blink in response.
"Subaru, you..."
"No, I don't want to hear it. Get out of here...get out of my apartment...get out...of my life!"
That cuts deeply into...well, it couldn't be my soul. But it felt like a knife was driven across my body slowly, blood cascading around me. Just like the victims that came before me...the ones I MADE victims. Is this what it felt like?
"Out...?"
"Yes. I don't believe I should have to repeat myself. Go!"
The first person who had ever denied me...and lived. I could so easily thrust my palm into your chest and...
No.
You would not become one of THEM.
I began the long, tretcherous walk towards the door. But the whole time, I stare at you in the eye, causing you to become nervous again. You step out of the way to let me by, but as I pass, I press the back of my hand against the side of your face. You shiver. Maybe because these were the same hands that murdered his sister.
You are no longer the warm Subaru I had grown to....love?
And I was the reason for this.
But you are no longer there. A cold and empty man stood where you once would have embrased this old shell of a once-proud man.
You hand jolts a little. The very one I had carved my symbol in to stake a claim upon you.
You are still mine.
No matter where the old Subaru had gone off to, any Subaru you are belongs to me.
I just miss the old one.
Without turning my back, I softly say, "Sayo-nara, Subaru-kun. Ja ne..."
//Wish you were here.\\
Song by: Pink Floyd
Characters by: Clamp
Story by: Me ^_^
//So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?\\
Visual poetry.
That's what you are, my Subaru-kun. So...refreshing...would that be the correct word?
Yes.
You are a nice break from the daily struggle known as life, even though you carry your own chip upon your shoulder. But sometimes I catch you in a state of pure bliss. When it was only me and you, I would whisper words of affection that no other ears were permitted to hear. It was only the two of us, and that's how I wish life should remain as.
But nothing golden can last.
Ah, my Subaru. Yes, you heard correctly, MY Subaru. I never thought I would become so damn possesive within one year. How I wish for that year to return.
Such a year it was.
But, as I have said. Nothing golden can last.
I think that was the only time I discovered true happiness.
//Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?\\
My, I look upon you now. You have matured quite a bit. Yes, sometimes I check up on you when I am still awake in the lonely hours of the night. Mainly you sleep, and I'll sit there for hours, peerched upon a branch outside of your window.
Other times I see you in you kitchen, reading under a dim light or tapping away listlessly at your computer.
But on a rare occasion, I see you by the great Sakura tree in Ueno Park. You sit there for hours, feeling deeply....alone. Yet, you are not alone. Your sister resides there. And so do I.
Your visage, your expression...you're not the same boy I one knew. And yet, you are. You're so cold and calloused. And even the way you dress, it's so, normal?
Heh, that's a change.
But yet, beneath your grimace, your eyes are so revealing. They show vulenerability and confusion. And many unshed tears.
And even at night, while you sleep, your face shows it's true innocence. At night, sometimes I hear you cry out. And at night, I see tears falling down your face, while the moon illuminates your pale cheeks.
And you are a beautiful, broken human.
And although you may have matured physically, I believe you still have the same questions that were proposed from five years ago. And I have questions for you.
//And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?\\
Do you still carry trust in other humans? No. You are by yourself and prefer solitude. I don't believe you'll ever open up again, you are too wounded.
I don't blame you.
Do you still hold all your morals and beliefs, or did you throw them out the window as you did with faith in me?
You are heading out the door, and so late, too. I suppose when you are a Sumergari, your job consumes all the time in your life. Ah, Subaru-kun, do you remember when life as so carefree? When I would take you atop the Tokyo Tower, and your hair would rustle in the breeze. It seems like yesterday, but it's probably just a distant memory for you, ne?
You've probably just tried to push it out of your memory.
A sigh. One of the few I have ever given. I have shaped you and destroyed you. And I have no idea why. I just wish you would move on and not carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. It's so depressing. And that's my fault, too.
Why did you allow yourself to be so influenced and persuaded by me?
You cared. You were young. You were a moron.
I took advantage. I fucked you up for life. I was selfish.
This is more punishment on my half, seeing you like this, than it is for you, my Subaru-kun.
//And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?\\
Temptation grows strong, and I slide open the window from the outside, slipping in. You are here so much, but I have barely seen what you have done to the place from the last time I stepped within.
"Five whole years," I mutter unintentionally. I take a look, absorbing my surroundings. Getting used to the feel that was once warm, now clamy. Making my way to the kitchen, I look down at the table and glance at the papers scattered across the surface. Reports on poltergiests and exorcisms. I pick a few up and soon replace them, growing somewhat uninterested.
That's a part of my life I dropped long ago. Ghost hunts weren't my style anymore.
I was the one who made ghosts, now.
Sorry, Hokuto. You'd be disappointed in me now-a-days.
A sad smile is drawn across my face. Looking over, something else catches my eye.
A packet of cigarettes.
A printed out online conversation.
Subaru really has grown quite a bit. Lighting a cigarette and convincing myself I'm doing the world a whole lot of good, one smoke at a time. That's all it'll take to kill me. After taking the initial inhale, I pick up the conversation and turn the light on above my head.
"You have information on the group Sakurazukamori?"
"Yes, what do you need to know?"
"Can you pinpoint any one of them?"
"Yeah. Do you mind if I ask who and why?"
"His name is Seishriou Sakurazuka...well before he changed his last name. Y'know?"
"Yeah."
"...let's just say I have a score to settle."
"Done. I'll fax you the information later. Gotta get to bed."
"Arigatou. Ja ne."
Hm, you are still searching for me? I'm not sure whether to be touched or not. You have so many better things to do in your life, Subaru. Why be consumed in me? Does this really tear apart your insides? Prehaps I should smoke another one. One more cigarette closer to death.
Becoming bored with the table, I turn off the light and my course is directed towards the bedroom. Oh, the plans I had for you in there.
Too bad we ran out of time.
Your curtains are naturally pulled apart and moonlight floods the area, so there is no need to turn the light on. Sitting down, I exhale slowly, letting shapeless curls of smoke surround my head, making a deeply-scented crown. Looking at the floor, I notice clothing spread across the entire area. So much for laundry, ne?
Inhale. Exhale. Chest rising and falling, almost rythmatically. I scan the area once again. Out of curiosity, I open the drawer to your nightstand. Such a snoop, I haven't changed much. Pulling out tissues and odd assortments, my fingers grasp hold of a glossy sheet of paper.
My jaw drops.
I am brought to my knees.
Are you proud, Sumegari? You are the only one who could do this.
//How I wish, how I wish you were here.\\
I bring the picture to my eyes and adjust my glasses. Just to make sure this is really in front of me. Oh, it's real alright.
It's a picture of the three of us.
An old one, if I may comment. Y-you still have this? Why? Prehaps because of Hokuto...but...there are many pictures of you two. Why this one? I take a closer look. My arm is placed firmly around your waist, and your face is bright red. One of the many times.
I smile sadly.
And for the first time in my life, a small, silver tear finds it's way from my eye onto the picture, leaving it's mark. Just one tear. For just one person.
Could you be this lonely? Do you still hold onto the past?
//We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.\\
It's amazing the turn of events. The Sakurazukamori...not heartless after all? Maybe it's just guilt. Who knows?
...All that matters is you are mine. And as long as one of us are alive, the other will always remember. But what does it matter?
As far as we go, we're both dead inside...then why do we go on living? What purpose is there?
There must be some messed up reason written in the stars. Maybe it's tourture, just to see how vulnerable humans really are. That we aren't the greatest creatures to grace the universe. A punishment for our arrogance. Yeah, that's convincing.
Maybe someone should remind me why I continuously crawl back to this place. Is it to re-live dead memories?
Memoies that died out a long time ago.
So why, my dear Subaru-kun, do you keep that picture. Probably to remind yourself what I looked like...just so when you see my bleeding carcess, you can smirk at me.
Well, that's probably the only reasonable thing. Any other thoughts may raise hopes, only to be crushed and buried in total mortification.
//What have we found?
The same old fears.\\
Putting the picture back into it's proper place, I close the drawer and shove my hands into my pockets, walking to the living area. Cigarette completely burned out, I find myself heading to the kitchen. Dishes completely fill the sink, all filthy and some seem to be gathering mold almost. A cold pot of coffee is what mainly is in my range, so I find a coffee mug. Amazingly enough, all silverware and dishware is still in it's original place from before I left.
I pour myself some coffee and take a seat at the familiar table. The house is so dark, but I'm able to find my way around. I know this place well enough.
I was almost afraid to find things change. I guess I've always been paranoid about change, I'm uncomfortable when it happens. Some weird phobia or another...
Not much has changed in our personal lives from five years ago.
Except we are no longer together.
I hear a soft click, and my attention is drawn back into reality. He is home...how long have I been in here? Will we be able to face each other?
Well, what happens, happens.
The door slowly opens. A rough night, Sumegari?
Now in the doorway, you stop and stand fully errect. You can sence my presence. It must have hit you full force when you opened the door. You twitch slightly, not sure to enter your apartment, ready to defend yourself if I were to attack. Will I?
"Hello Subaru."
A moment of silence. You are now trembling. Why are you acting so weak? That is not like my Subaru-kun at all.
"Y-you! What are you doing in my home?" you hiss, but at the same time almost shriek.
Taking my time, I put my cup down and slowly stand up.
"Don't you get up too fast...get back," you say angrily. I can feel your aurora getting stronger. It's understandable why you're nervous. You weren't expecting this at all. Normally you have such a calm personality, but seeing me in your own home...hell, I'd be freaked out too.
I begin to walk towards you. You are so beautiful. A regular god. Those bright green eyes I have come to admire so much are filled with bewilderment and...fury? I have never seen such a thing within those wonderful pools that I so easily drown in. Prehaps it is resentment...
Taking a deep breath, you regain a calm composure and stares directly at me. I want to reach out and touch you as I have before so many times. Then you speak.
"Get out of here."
I am taken back a bit. No warm welcome, although I wasn't expecting one, but some part of me wished you would take me in...
I blink in response.
"Subaru, you..."
"No, I don't want to hear it. Get out of here...get out of my apartment...get out...of my life!"
That cuts deeply into...well, it couldn't be my soul. But it felt like a knife was driven across my body slowly, blood cascading around me. Just like the victims that came before me...the ones I MADE victims. Is this what it felt like?
"Out...?"
"Yes. I don't believe I should have to repeat myself. Go!"
The first person who had ever denied me...and lived. I could so easily thrust my palm into your chest and...
No.
You would not become one of THEM.
I began the long, tretcherous walk towards the door. But the whole time, I stare at you in the eye, causing you to become nervous again. You step out of the way to let me by, but as I pass, I press the back of my hand against the side of your face. You shiver. Maybe because these were the same hands that murdered his sister.
You are no longer the warm Subaru I had grown to....love?
And I was the reason for this.
But you are no longer there. A cold and empty man stood where you once would have embrased this old shell of a once-proud man.
You hand jolts a little. The very one I had carved my symbol in to stake a claim upon you.
You are still mine.
No matter where the old Subaru had gone off to, any Subaru you are belongs to me.
I just miss the old one.
Without turning my back, I softly say, "Sayo-nara, Subaru-kun. Ja ne..."
//Wish you were here.\\