I wasn't even sure when she arrived, even though she was not the type to make flashy appearances anyway. Usually, I feel her before I see her- her smell, her glow, her giggle, or the way she tries to creep up on me to surprise me and fails to but I act like I am truly shocked. But there was none of that today. Today, she sits beside me quietly on the bench, across the playground we used to visit when we were children. We sit together in silence for a while as the children around us ran about, doing whatever children do at playgrounds. I knew she was there, but I couldn't bring myself to lift my head to meet her. She wasn't looking at me either. So I breathe and I stare straight ahead while the wind blew and leaves rustled above us.

When her voice came, it stunned me, and for a moment I couldn't register that this was her sound. It was the same melody, yet there was a tinge of hollow in it. The substance, the soul. It has changed.

"How is everyone doing?" She asks innocently, as if she didn't already know.

And I hate how my brain immediately stirs up images of all kinds. Imai screaming down the hallway. Aoi crying like there was no tomorrow. I hate how my mind immediately wants to shout back all sorts of snide remarks— "Oh, we're doing perfectly fine, other than the fact that you left without telling any of us and left our lives in a wreck." And most importantly, I hate myself, because of the bitterness in me and that my heart is in shreds and pieces, yearning for her— even though we all knew it was not her fault. It was none of our faults. So I stick to answering the question.

"Imai hasn't eaten since you've been gone despite Ruka's daily coaxing. Koko hasn't smiled since. Sumire has yet to come out of her room. Aoi and Youichi refuse to talk to me, or anyone. Yuu tries to bury himself in his work. Have I missed out anyone?"

I immediately regret the tone I had adopted, but she sits still, letting my words sink into her. I dared not look at her still, for one look and I know my world and whatever remaining sanity I have in me that's somehow keeping me going would be washed way instantly and I would crumble once more.

"How is the girl?"

The girl?

Her substitute.

"She's breathing." Is all I say, and all I can bear to say. The girl is only three. And she breathes, even though her recovery had been a rocky one despite being shielded from the greatest impact, only because I made the doctors give her the best medicine and treatment that would have been for her instead. She breathes, because she is not.

…

"How are you?"

…

And I can't help but laugh this time. I laugh wildly, like a maniac. The children around us froze and retreated away from the grown but unshaven man sitting alone on the bench across a playground and laughing to himself. Still laughing, I turned to look at her. She was the same. The same caramel coloured hair that I loved. The same scar she had on the side of her forehead from walking into a cupboard. I laugh at how cruel she can be, to appear unharmed and unfazed in front of me, letting me see and talk to her but knowing she has lost all feeling. That when my skin and her skin touch, what we feel would be nothing more than the wind.

With one look in my crazed eyes, I know she knows. That the day when I had to get on that dratted plane, when I had to leave her for a short 3 days for a meeting now buried and unspoken of, when I had lingered a little longer than usual in our farewell hugs at the airport, and when my lips were on hers just a little deeper. When Imai screamed at me to turn my plane around because she got hit, she got hit and then when I got there and Imai was screaming at the doctors Anna sank to the ground Ruka punched the wall beside him and screwed up his own fist and I just saw her pushed out, a bloodied mess, a withered flower, a broken smile, a crushed dream, a cold body.

I died along with her.

But I laugh. In this silence, I was probably supposed to make some reassurances. I will take care of her grandfather. Make sure Imai eats and Ruka's bunny stays healthy even though it was neglected for the first time in its life. I will pick myself up and get through each day, bit by bit. But I would have none of those today, because she knows.

It took me a while to realise that she was giggling too. We just laughed, harder and harder, louder and louder.

"What's so funny?" I ask, still grinning.

"That I realised you look like a creep laughing to yourself in the middle of the day."

"What's so funny?" She asks.

She moves closer, so that her nose is touching mine. She closes her eyes, and I know her time is almost up.

"That you always make me laugh and cry at the same time." I whispered, as I felt her presence slipping away once more.

The leaves rustle. The wind plays with my hair. She leaves me, twice.

My eyes fill with droplets of her. But she is not a drop in my heart. She is my heart in a drop.

Hello! I am back! I didn't really know where I was going with this story but look who is back after eternity! I am just super caught up with school now, I am dying at the amount of work I have to catch up on and basically adjust to a new life and trying to pass my tests haha. I haven't exactly written or read anything for a long while either. Man I really miss these days. This is not the conventional light-hearted humour stuff that I usually write, but I quite like it. What about you? Please let me know!