It was the impossible dream.
Simply put, of course. If asked, he would never admit it, and if asked, would never deny it.
He was lonely. He was tired. He had survived years without it, and yet now, more than ever, it seemed to weigh him down.
Maybe it was the conflict, starting to make itself known.
Maybe it was the fact that he had no where to go from here.
Maybe it was because everyone had someone.
But being Harry Potter was lonely.
The very embodiment of lonliness. There was no room on his pedistal for two. Never had there been. Not since the moment Lord Voldemort had killed his entire world.
It all came down to Him.
He was the reason Harry couldn't be happy.
He was the reason Harry couldn't sleep through an entire night.
He was the reason for everything so terribly wrong in Harry's little life.
Little life...
What humor.
His life wasn't little, they would argue.
He was The-Boy-Who-Lived.
He was everything.
They'd never understand.
Understand what it is to be hated, and in the same breath adored.
Understand that his life was never really his, that he had been living a lie from the moment he was born.
They would never understand, because they would never know. Never know about the pain of being an unwanted orphan. The pain of being so alone you can't even remember what laughter is. Being so hungry you can think of nothing besides your hunger, your thirst.
Being so revered, without a clue as to why the entire world seems to think they know who you are, but don't have a clue.
All he wanted was to be loved.
"Is that really so much to ask?" He asked quietly, aware of the presence behind him. So very aware.
The presence of the one who made it seem so wonderful to be alive.
The one who lit up his entire world with a smile, a sneer, a joke.
One who would never love him.
"For you, maybe."
His heart, what little of it that was engaged in this moment of time, faltered. His breath stuttered imperceptively. His eyes slid shut, drowning out the vision of the night sky from the Astronomy tower. The presence behind him shifted, still out of view, but never far enough away to not hurt so much.
The ache that was his life, appeared again.
It settled over him like a well worn cloak, a mask of sorts.
But for anyone looking, really looking, it was never hidden.
Dumbledore could see it, but only when he wanted to.
Hermione, Ron, Ginny... Everyone.
They only thought they saw it. They never really understood what it meant to be Harry - sodding- Potter.
He sighed explosively.
"Why? Why does it have to be so hard to go back to how I was? How I lived for sixteen years? Why does it have to hurt to wear that mask of uncaring at my place in life?"
I was a servant, reviled, ignored. Hated. Now I'm all that and more.
I'm a slave to my destiny. One I may never return from alive.
"It hurts so much now because you've tasted freedom. Someone born into slavery will never fully understand what they lack until a taste of freedom comes along."
So true.
"Why does that have to echo my life so much?"
Because I'm The-Boy-Who-Lived.
"Because you're Harry Potter."
I was the one who lived, the one who was born into slavery. I was a slave since I could remember.
"I just want to live before I die. That's all."
A sigh from behind, as arms wrapped around him.
A smile in his ear, but a weight on his heart, so heavy he thought he might fall from the tower under the crushing pressure..
"Living, dieing. For me it's all the same."
I just want to live before I die.
A whisper, "That's all."
That's all.
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Another late-night work. Thanks so much to all of you who reviewed "Finality". You made me so happy. Thank you!
(P.S-- I know it sounds crazy, and I'm not a big fan of Good Charollette, but the song "I just wanna live" kind popped in my head when writing this. It's a decent song.)