Their breathing had long since slowed. Their heartbeats returned to normal. The high of their reunion was fading and they knew it was time. There would be so much to deal with in the morning. Mellie and Cyrus' shock of their dismissals would have worn off by now. Their next moves would have to be anticipated with counter plans of attack or bargaining. They had to have a meeting about how, when, and what to tell the public. It would be best to spin it as an amiable separation of the First Couple, something that has been stalled for a number of years but has finally come an agreeable end.
Olivia knew she was stalling. She glanced at Fitz to see his eyes closed but knew he wasn't sleeping. He was likely having the same train of thought as she was. All to avoid the torturous but necessary conversation of their, presumed and hopefully permanent, reunion. Olivia then tried to think of their future. The process proceeded as it always had. Olivia felt a surge of happiness thinking of a life with Fitz. Just starting and ending the day with him. She remembered their dynamic during his first campaign election. The feeling of accomplishment she felt when they solved a problem together. When they would ride that high into each other's arms at night. To lay across from each other whispering small confessions. To be able to have that without limitations. Without having to sneak around and deceive. The thought made Olivia reach once more for Fitz, looking to hold on to the connection. In doing so she saw the clock on his nightstand and with the fleeting time she remember what comes along with the man. The life of the man she helped to create, she reminded herself.
Her head began to swim with the memories of the past 6 years. The pain, the betrayal, the fear, and the loss. Olivia felt her breathing begin to quicken and her throat begin to tighten. They had to talk about what has happened to them and what they've done to each other. She knew this but she had to think. This meant she had to move away from Fitz. She started to pull away but Fitz clutched her waist and pulled her close again. He turned to his side to face her head on.
"Livvie," he whispered. "We…I think we need to talk about…"
"Yes, I know." Olivia interrupted as she abruptly sat up in bed, swinging her legs off the side. She had the urge to get dressed. She needed protection around her to face what was to come. "We have to plan out our next moves. Who knows what Mellie and Cyrus will say to the press come morning. We'll have to make sure there's no breach of contract with Cyrus' dismissal and you will need several very good and well paid lawyers to deal with Mellie. I think it is best if we stamped out the rules of war as quickly as possible before it becomes an all-out battle."
Olivia was speaking a mile a minute trying to out run the thoughts looming just behind her. She was trying not to make eye contact with Fitz as she reached for the nearest piece of clothing, which happened to be his dress shirt. Fitz sighed as he got out of bed and went to find something to wear for himself in a nearby dresser. Olivia sat at a small table on the other side of the room watching as he pulled on shorts and a t-shirt. She hadn't seen him so close and physically exposed in so long. She'd missed the slope of his back and the reach of his arms.
Fitz finally came and sat in the chair opposite of her, pulling it to face her.
Olivia began, "Ok, Mellie…"
"No." Fitz interjected tersely. "Fitz, we have to get ahead of this!' Olivia retorted.
"Yes, we do. Which means that we have to figure out what we are doing. We have to get passed what has happened to us. What we have done. We can't go on like this." His voice was pleading now. "We have to…I don't know. But it has to be right here and right now."
Olivia felt the walls closing in again. She made to get up to put more distance between them but Fitz knew that trick. He grasped her by the forearms.
"No, Livvie. We can't keep playing this game. Just say what you feel!" Olivia could hear the strain in his words but she kept her eyes away from him. "I don't care what it is," he continued. "Olivia, if you want to damn me to hell, then do it. As long as whatever you say is how you actually feel. Don't think about the next move. We are not a chess game. I've told you before, you do not fix me. I am not something to be repaired."
Olivia looked up at him after a moment. They both slid back into their seats. Fitz slid his hands down her forearms, wrists, and hands, eventually letting go. They didn't touch anymore but he stayed close enough to her that she could feel him.
"If I'm not able to fix, then what would you need me for?" The words felt like they opened the flood gates. She searched Fitz' face, contorted with confusion, and continued on.
"When my mother…died…when she died, my father sent me away to boarding school. I was 12 years old. I felt like I was just an obligation then. I felt like he tolerated me my entire life for my mother's sake. Even when I went to college and he tried to bond through bribes and threats, I knew it was because he felt I could be useful again."
Olivia sprang to her feet and started to pace the floor. She wasn't trying to distance herself from Fitz now. She just needed another means of expelling the energy and rage that was rising from her.
"Even after my mother returned and I learned what she was…she left me!" Olivia stopped and stared at Fitz with disbelief. "She didn't need me anymore. Or him. Our usefulness had ended. So she left." She quickly sat down on the bed and restlessly began to fumble with the sleeves of Fitz' shirt that she wore.
"So I figured I needed to be necessary. I needed to be essential to stay in someone's life. And I know, Fitz! No matter how many times I tell other people that I am not some tool to be used, I can't shake the feeling!"
Her voice and hands began to shake and Fitz went and knelled before her, clasping her hands and urging her to go on.
"And now everyone who has ever mattered to me is only in my life because they needed me and I fixed them. Cyrus, Abby, Huck, Quinn, Stephen, Harrison," she let out a gasp of sadness while saying her fallen friend's name. "And you." Her voice steadied again and she looked down into his eyes.
"That's why I kept pushing you away. Why I need you to be president. We've done so many horrible things. I've done so many horrible things. It has to be for more than just us. We have to pay back the debt we owe for what we've done." She looked to him, begging him to understand. "Because if we don't, if we just throw it all to the wind and ride off together, than I will have to live with knowing we are just selfish and horrible people! Sitting in a house in Vermont waiting for the day you realize that I wasn't worth it."
Fitz looked at her disbelievingly. "Liv, you don't think…"
Olivia was suddenly calmer as she went on, "And that was my fear before! Now I have a new one of us being happy. So happy. Until the day you look at me and all you see are my parents' faces. And the longer you see them, the heavier your arms become, feeling the weight of your son." The last words nearly choked her.
"Oh my God, Olivia!" Fitz bent his head, not looking into her eyes.
"Could we ever live that way?" Olivia asked to the back of his head. She began to tug at his hair, softly, as if she were savoring it for the last time. As if this realization was going to be the end for him.
"Don't you know, Livvie? Don't you know?" Fitz looked up at Olivia. "I forgave you. I forgave you and it nearly killed me, right here in this room."
"What?" Olivia cupped his face in her hands. Fitz rose off of the floor and sat next to her on the bed.
"Liv, I sat here and I forgave you for my son's death. And it felt like a betrayal, so I took a sedative. Then I thought of the pain of Karen and Jerry and took another. Then I thought of all of those that have suffered and died because of me in one way or another and took a pill for each occasion."
Olivia grabbed his shirt with one hand and the back of his neck with the other, pulling their foreheads to each other.
"And then I stopped. I stopped because I knew it wasn't your fault, it was your parents. You are not your parents, Olivia." He made her look him in the eyes.
"Yes, we both have done some bad things. No matter the intent, we have done things that we will always have to live with. That we will have to forgive each other for. But we can't keep taking on everyone else's sins. We can't keep accepting, or offering, 'I did it for you' as an excuse. If we have to own our sins, we have to make others accountable for theirs."
They clutched each other even closer as Olivia tried to take his words to heart.
"We will make it right, Livvie. And we will do it together if you'll only just allow yourself the happiness you deserve."
"The way you command a room." Fitz continued dreamily with Olivia in his arms. His Livvie. "Your intelligence, your wit, your authority, and compassion. That is why I love you, Livvie. For the things that happen to make you a great fixer, not being an actual fixer."
Olivia began to shake her head against his chest.
"And because I know the yearning you have for home. For completion because I have it, too. I just want to have it with you."
Olivia finally broke down and they collapsed back into the bed. They held on to each as if they were trying to make the words stick. Trying to soak them in so they would stay and change them for the future. For the better.
After some time, their breathing had slowed. Their heartbeats returned to normal. The stress of their release was fading and they knew it was time. There would be so much to deal with in the morning.
"I'm keeping my job but I'll eventually move into Blair's house. Once Mellie's left. If that's where she is now." Olivia whispered to Fitz from across their pillows. "I don't want to go public for a while."
"Whatever you want." Fitz replied back with a sweet smile. "But please, move into another apartment."
Olivia smiled back at him, "Whatever you want."
Whatever we want, she echoed as she drifted off for a few hours of sleep.