Femme Fatales
Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, you know I can't admit that...
Summary: These are the thoughts that cross certain people's minds about someone they don't like...
Special Birthday Gift to: Celina79, Happy Birthday
A/N: So this came to me from overhearing a conversation and I just couldn't resist it. Total humor fic, enjoy.
Beware Beth fans, this isn't for you. Total crackfic so no tomatoes please.
Thanks for reading, it'd be cool if you left a review.
Oscar Wilde said, "An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all."
The three women tossed their cards into the middle of the coffee table each bored beyond belief.
Emily poured herself another margarita then sucked on the lemon, "Ok so now what do you want to do?"
"More margaritas?" JJ asked, looking around Emily's apartment, "I so can't believe there is nothing to do tonight. I need something fun to do."
"Well we could all use a good laugh" Garcia said, "What do you say?"
"As interesting as that thought is what do you have in mind?" Emily asked, "I need to put in a good ass kicking mood."
"I don't know you want to watch tv?" JJ trailed off, "Or a movie, hmm?"
"I don't really feel like watching a movie girls" Emily said, "Besides there's nothing good on."
"Obsessed" Garcia said, "Oh, I love that movie. Ali Larter is such a nut job."
Both Emily and JJ raise an eyebrow at that but the blonde just shrugged.
"Nope." Emily said resting her head on the couch thinking about Hotch and his girlfriend.
"Ooh, you've got Femme Fatales?" Garcia said excitedly only to be cut off by Garcia.
"I'm not watching that" JJ asked, looking over at the DVD collection, "Comedy, tragedy, horror, true crime or..."
"How about..." Garcia started only to be cut off.
"No Single White Female." both Emily and JJ said in unison.
"Don't we get that enough at work?" Emily added, "Seriously what's up with the psycho chick picks?"
"Well ever since we met Hotch's..." Garcia shuddered, "Girlfriend I've been thinking of ways interesting ways to dispose of the tiny annoying one."
Both Emily and JJ looked at her in shock, "What?"
"What, what?" Garcia said, sipping her alcoholic beverage, "Just because I was excited for him in the beginning doesn't mean I am now."
"Why?" the brunette asked, relieved that she wasn't the only one feeling this way about Hotch's new girlfriend.
"Something seems off about her" Garcia said, setting down her glass, "I don't know what it is, but when I talked to her, she just seemed..."
"Fake" the other two women replied in unison.
"You two too?" Garcia asked, giggling, "Probably had too many of these, too."
"I just don't like her" JJ told her two friends, "It's not only that she seems fake but also that she's trying too hard and lets face it, Hotch doesn't like people who are fake."
"Tell me about it" Emily murmured remembering her first time at the BAU and meeting Hotch, "But you know what I can't stand?"
"What's that, Gumdrop?" Garcia asked.
"I heard Hotch tell Dave that Beth asked if she could come to his triathlon" Emily whispered to the two women.
"She invited herself?" JJ asked surprised.
"What the frack?" Garcia sputtered out, "She invited herself?"
"That's what I heard" Emily shrugged, not resisting the urge to down the glass as she looked at the two women, "I just don't trust her."
"Too cheery" Garcia said, "And did you see those cheeks? Hello chipmunk cheeks."
"She could hide a lot of nuts in those cheeks" JJ said, watching both women look at her, "Yep, I can be snarky."
The three women laughed joking about the brunette curator as they moved on from their margaritas to straight tequila.
"So how would you do it?" Garcia asked taking a sip from the bottle before passing it to JJ.
"Do what?" Emily asked, picking at the crust of her pizza.
"Do her in" Garcia said, looking over at the two on the couch, "Kill Beth."
Both women's jaw dropped at that, "You want to kill Beth?"
"I'm just saying how would you" Garcia said, "Oh come on tell me you haven't thought about it?"
"Well you've got me there." JJ shrugged looking over at Emily, "How about it?"
"Why not?" Emily muttered, while both blondes looked on in glee, "Who goes first?"
Garcia smirked as she took a seat in the break room, rubbing her hands across the purple and blue patterns on her dress.
"Alright my little Chiquita let's have at it," Garcia murmured to herself before looking up towards Hotch's office and narrowed her eyes at the image before her.
"Huh," she scoffed watching as the brunette woman made her way down to the break room, "I smell a bitch."
As Garcia opened up her leather handbag, she pulled out the small pill bottle and wandered over to the coffee pot, grabbing a standardized white mug and pouring the hot coffee in it.
Before she could think, she broke the pills apart and quickly dumped them into the dark steaming liquid and stirred the hot beverage.
Shoving the capsules into her pill bottle she shoved the evidence into the cleavage of her bra and turned.
"Morning, Penny," Beth said, flashing her over glossy lips at the blonde, "How are you doing this fine sunshiny day?"
Garcia cleared her throat and flashed a fake smile on her face, "Oh, I'm wonderful, and yourself? How are things going with the bossman?"
Beth grinned, showing off her white teeth and Garcia had to resist the urge to call the brunette curator a chipmunk.
"Aaron is so perfect," Beth babbled making the analyst do a double take, "He's just so attentive and caring, although..."
"Although what?" Garcia asked, watching the brunette peer at the empty coffee pot.
"I just wish that he didn't have to travel so often. It's really putting a cramp on getting anywhere in the sheets." Beth told the blonde analyst.
Garcia nearly grumbled but saw the brunette head over to refill the coffee pot, "Here, take this."
Beth turned at that, "Pardon?"
"You can have my coffee," Garcia said with a smile, "I've got to get back to sniffing out the unsubs, you know nut jobs aren't going to admit that."
"True," Beth said, accepting the coffee, "Are you sure?"
"It's my pleasure" Garcia said with a grin, "It's just black, is that ok?"
"Just the way I take it" Beth said, putting her lips up to the mug, "Thank you."
"No problem" Garcia said, turning as she grabbed her bag, "You have a great day, Beth."
"Thanks for the coffee, Penny" Beth said, drinking the hot drink as the blonde turned the corner.
As Garcia watched the brunette polish off the rest of the coffee, she grinned watching Beth double over in pain and rush out towards the ladies room.
"And there she goes" Garcia grinned slowly making her way down the hall towards the ladies room and paused outside the door.
"Oh" Garcia heard the brunette groaned as the sound of flatulence could be heard through the door, "Oh God."
"Beth?" Garcia called out, "Are you all right?"
"I... I'm fine" the brunette uttered followed by the sound of excrement hitting the toilet, "Oh."
It should've pained the usually caring technical analyst to hear someone in such pain but she felt no sympathy for the woman in the bathroom and before she could open her mouth she heard the groaning getting louder.
These noises made the Unit Chief, Anderson and even Strauss make their way down the hall.
"What's going on in there?" Strauss asked knocking on the door, and push the door open gasping, "Oh my God."
"What's wrong?" Hotch asked frowning, "Where's Beth?"
Anderson peered over the Section Chief's shoulder, covering his nose with his hand and pointed, "In there."
The smell made everyone gasp from the odor, but Hotch pushed his way past the crowd, "Oh my God, Beth."
Garcia turned around, mouthing to herself, "Toodaloo Bethie."
"She died on the toilet?" JJ asked gagging at that, "Ew."
"She shit herself to death" Garcia said, looking at the two women, "What tell me that is not funny?"
"And a little disgusting" Emily added, "But that was unique."
"Ok, Gumdrop" Garcia said, looking at the brunette, "Give me your version of the Death of Beth Clemmons."
"Ok." Emily said, only to be cut off by her fellow agent.
"I've got a different one, if you two don't mind." JJ said, looking at the two women, "May I?"
"Please, be my guest." Emily said, sitting back, "This has got to be interesting if it includes you."
The blonde rolled her blue eyes, "Please Hotch is like family to me and as his sorta sister the man is a damn idiot falling for that triathlon tramp."
That made both Emily and Garcia's jaw drop at that, "Did you just call her..."
"Well it's a lot better than Pippi Long-stalker." Garcia said, "I heard you call her that once."
"To who?" Emily asked, she had never told anyone that other than.
"Sergio" Garcia said, "Honey, you need to get laid not talk to your pussy."
"PG" Emily said, "Please refrain from mentioning..."
"How about we get back to Beth Death number two?" JJ asked annoyed.
"Ooh, yes please." Garcia said, sitting in giddy anticipation.
JJ walked through the park, anger coursing through her veins. The former media liaison was not one to get angry easily but this was beyond her capable hands.
Meeting Beth not that long ago brought out the protective streak in her and from what she briefly knew of the woman, she did not like.
It wasn't like JJ to get this involved in her friends personal lives but she just knew that there was no way to convince Hotch to drop the curator and she'd have to take matters into her own hands.
As she shouldered her hand bag she looked through the park and paused, a smirk grew on her face as she saw the woman in question.
And the agent narrowed her blue eyes, snorting. Beth was doing it again.
"I know I have a card around here somewhere" she said giggling, "Here you go. Why don't you give me a call and we can work on our bicycling?"
"Sounds like a plan" the man said, with a grin.
"Oh you poor idiot" JJ muttered, moving down to the woods and opening her bag and going over the information on her Tablet, "Yes."
Setting up her stuff she walked by the warning sign and took it down, grinning to herself as she heard steps coming and moved behind the tree.
The brunette curator ran through the park towards the woods when she paused when she saw an abandoned hand bag and moved over towards it.
"Huh" she said, picking up the nice white bag eyeing and looking around to see if anyone was around, "Looks like it's my lucky day."
JJ rolled her eyes, as she peered over behind the tree watching the brunette walk towards the river bank with the brand new bag and looked around at the wet sand.
Beth pulled out the Tablet grinning at her new treasure when she saw the newest prey hit her line of sight.
A man in shorts and black shirt running by the riverbed and she quickly tossed the bag on to the near by grass and checked her pocket for another business card before running through the wet sand to catch him.
JJ grinned when she saw the brunette run through the sand, then pause as she saw herself become immersed in the liquid and sink.
"Oh my God" Beth said, panicking, "It's quicksand. Help! Help me. Somebody..."
JJ crossed her arms in a satisfactory manner when several good looking men ran by not noticing the fast sinking woman in pigtail flailing in a panicked stricken manner sinking hard and fast to the bottom of the quicksand until their was nothing left.
JJ walked over to the grass picking up her hand bag and Tablet staring at the two brunette pigtail sticking out with the business card.
"So long Beth." JJ said walking back up the bike path with a grin on her face.
"Quicksand?" Emily asked, "Really?"
"Well, that was a unique death and it couldn't be traced back to me" JJ offered.
Emily nodded while Garcia scoffed, "As intriguing as that death was, it still can't top mine. Death by crapper."
Emily put down the chocolate she was holding, "Do you mind?"
"Sorry" Garcia said shrugging, "My bad. Ok, Gumdrop your turn. Kill Beth."
Emily leaned back on the couch, contemplating the perfect scenario. She had a grim image that appeared in her head and she couldn't contain the wry chuckle that escaped her.
"Uh oh" Garcia said, "I don't like that look on your face, Gumdrop."
"Is it a good one?" JJ asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh its good" Emily said resting her feet on the coffee table, "Believe me it's really good."
"So what are you waiting for?" Garcia asked, "Tell us, tell us."
"All right, now keep an open mind" Emily started with a grin on her face, "So listen to this..."
Emily zipped up her black leather coat and grabbed the bars jumping over the fence and staying low to the grass.
She quickly scanned the property for any movement but saw that the neighboring houses were dark.
"Well what do you expect at three in the morning, Prentiss?" Emily told herself.
She pulled the photocopied paper out of her pocket, going over the information one last time to make sure she had the accurate information.
She'd hate to have to slay an innocent, but Beth Clemmons was no innocent, she was a bonafide demon. Succubus to be more percise.
"And the bitch has her meaty hooks into Hotch" Emily muttered to herself. Relief that her boss must be some kind of Southern gentleman because he'd be dead now if he got dirty with Beth, "Thank God for Southern traditions."
Scampering across the grass, she dunked when she saw the high beams of a car passing by. Sighing, she made her way towards the back of the house peering in the window until she found Beth's bedroom.
"Ha ha" Emily murmured, peeking in to see the brunette in question lying on her bed with the lights off eating cookies and watching television.
When she saw the brunette roll on her side, still watching the television, Emily slid open the window and climbed through the window thudding on the floor. She saw that Beth didn't even notice her, she was too into her tv program.
Crawling on the floor to the bed, she reaches up only to be sucker punched by Beth and shoved down with the curator on top of her, grabbing at her throat.
"You think you can come in here and try to kill me?" Beth screeched, tightening her grip on the agent's throat, "I think not."
Emily dug her short nails into the psychotic demon-woman's skin used her arms to shove her off of her. She gave the brunette a kick to the stomach which shoved her back on the bed.
"I'm sending you back to hell, you demon" Emily said, jumping on top of the brunette demon punching her in the face both not giving in.
"I knew you never liked me" Beth said, grabbing Emily by the coat collar and rolling them back and forth until they both hit the carpeted floor again.
"That only makes me smart" Emily said grinning, "I don't even know what the hell those previous men saw in you. There is nothing even remotely attractive about you, you damn Succubus."
That made the demon narrow her eyes and "You've got the second sight... You're a Hunter. Your kind has always targeted mine."
Emily grumbled as the female demon bared her claws going for Emily's face when the female agent reached up pulling on the pigtail of the dark-haired demon and ripping it from the demon's head causing her to shriek and fall backwards in pain.
Using this moment to her advantage, Emily pounced on the dark-haired demon reaching into her coat pocket and pulling out a hunting knife.
"Ooh what are you going to do, stab me?" Beth taunted, "Go head, do it. See how fast Hotchner forgives you for killing his girlfriend."
"His demonic ex-girlfriend" Emily snorted, watching the woman's eyes flare in anger at that, "You didn't know? Don't demons check their messages?"
"What are you talking about?" Beth growled, "He didn't dump me."
Emily scoffed, "You really need to learn to answer the phone."
"You're just jealous because Hotchner wants me" Beth growled out, while Emily scoffed at that, "What?"
"He's just lonely" Emily said with a defiant eyebrow raise, "And horny. He's not in love with you, you're just a bed warmer until he finds who he really wants."
Beth's eyes turned for a second to her cell phone lying on her desk when Emily watched the demon's eyes widen in surprise as she looked down at the black handle of the hunting knife sticking out of her chest.
"You..." Beth sputtered, blood falling out of her lips, while the brunette agent shoved the other woman's body off her.
Beth pulled the knife, which was sticking out of her chest, gasping for air as the blood continued to fall from her mouth then with one final breath she fell backwards on the bed. Lifeless.
Emily sat up, grabbing the knife she wiped her fingerprints off the knife placing Beth's own on them to stage her death.
Shrugging, she walked over to the window, wiping away her prints before climbing out the window.
"OMG, you went all Kill Bill on Beth" Garcia said with a grin, "I loved it."
"Now that was an interesting way to get rid of her." JJ said rubbing her feet, "Much less messy then Death by Laxatives."
Emily chuckled at that, while Garcia scoffed and added, "More original then Death by Quicksand."
JJ rolled her eyes, "Please at least it couldn't be traced back to me and I had a plausible reason for her death. She was a pick up artist. How about yours Garcia? What was the plausible reason for the laxative slip?"
"Wanted to scare the shit out of her?" Garcia shrugged, "Hey, I didn't think there had to be a reason. But I certainly liked Em's. Demon, classic."
"Well she's not far off from the truth either" JJ added, "And it was certainly more action packed than ours."
Emily lifted her glass saluting the two women, "To the imaginative women of the BAU."
"And to the demise of that romance," Garcia added, "We really need get rid of Pippi Long-stalker."
JJ sipped on the last of her drink, "And how do you propose to do that? It's not like we can do any of these things to her. The team is pretty smart, and I'm sure Will won't like doing conjugal visits."
"I know" Garcia said, "But we can always dream right?"
"Yep" both Emily and JJ sighed in unison.
"So how..." Garcia started only to be interrupted by JJ's cell phone ringing.
"Jareau?" JJ said, pulling the phone up to her ear.
Emily and Garcia watched as their friend's demeanor changed from pleasant to stunned.
"What?" Garcia whispered, only for JJ to put the phone on speaker.
"Say that again" JJ said into the phone.
"Hotch had to take Beth to the hospital." Dave said, "She's had an incident."
"What kind of incident?" Emily asked looking to her two friends, "Dave, what happened?"
"They were at this restaurant, The Quicksand" Dave said, while JJ's eyes widened, "She took a bite of this cookie and started choking."
Garcia clamped her hand over her mouth while the two profiler's exchanged looks, "Is she all right?"
"No," Dave said, "Seems that there was something in that cookie that made Beth choke."
"She's alive, right?" Emily asked.
"Yes" Dave sighed out, "But she dumped Hotch."
The three women were stunned, "What?" JJ asked, "Why?"
"She was in the process of dumping him when she bit into the cookie" Dave said, "She said something about him working too much and him being around too many women. She thinks you all hate her. Ludicrous, right?"
"Oh, no" Garcia said, grinning, "We don't hate her at all. Right girls?"
"Right" JJ said, while Emily hummed in agreement.
"Who knows with this woman" Dave muttered, "I'm gonna go check on Hotch. He's kind of broken up about it, but these things happen."
"Right" Emily said, "You send him our love, ok?"
"I will" Dave said, "Night."
While JJ closed the phone, the three women looked at each other all stunned.
"Wow" Garcia said, "That was weird."
"Yeah" JJ said, tossing her phone on the coffee table, "You don't think... we had anything to do with that, do you?"
"Absolutely not" Emily said, "It's not like we can say things and they just happen. Like that's even possible."
JJ pondered that, "I guess so, otherwise you'd be married to George Clooney huh?"
"Yeah" Emily said, sighing, "Who needs a drink?"
"I do," the two blondes said simultaneously.
Emily got up from the couch, walking over to the small bar with a smile on her face.
As she grabbed a bottle of wine, she felt relief rush through her with the knowledge that Hotch was single again. Just the way she liked him.
Returning to her two friends she promised herself that someday she'd get the courage to let Hotch know how she felt. For know she was fine with the way things were.
"Ideas are the beginning plots of all fortune." Napoleon Hill
THE END
I hope you all enjoyed this, don't forget to leave a review.