To: PD
from xx
Digital exhange between SH and JW, August 3rd 20XX
re: new insights into TH incident.
SH: Bored!
JW: Then you could go and get the milk instead of spamming me online.
SH: Dull!
JW: Didn't your brother tell you that raping the exclamation mark is bad as well?
SH: Yes, he did. Why do you think I'm doing it?
JW: Good point. Can't you phone L- or something?
SH: He's mad at me. Something about A-. Wasn't paying attention.
JW: Well, that's your problem not mine. You probably ought to apologise, you know. Anyway, I'm busy.
SH: What are you doing?
JW: Just looking some things up.
JW: It's not very interesting.
SH: What things?
JW: Just things. I wouldn't want to bore you.
SH: You always bore me. You are deflecting. What are you looking up?
JW: I'd really rather not discuss it.
SH: I'm gonna find out anyway, might as well tell me
JW: No you aren't.
SH: Don't be silly. Of course I am
JW: Fine, alright. My dates haven't been going that well lately.
SH: I know.
JW: Yeah, well I'm sure you can figure it out.
SH: So. What exactly are you looking for?
JW: Let's just say that this conversation is putting me off quite a bit.
SH: Oh.
JW: Yes, thank you. Now can we please cut this extremely embarrassing conversation?
SH: I'm not embarrassed.
JW: Figures.
SH: Are you embarrassed?
JW: A bit yeah.
SH: Don't be.
JW: Well it's not exactly something we're in the habit of discussing.
SH: Why are you sitting in your room?
JW: Are you seriously asking me that?
SH: I'm just wondering. You don't usually bring your laptop to your room.
JW: Yeah, this is not something usually done in front of others. I figured you wouldn't appreciate it.
SH: I don't mind.
JW: Seriously?
SH: Yes. Why should I. It's just a biological thing. You have no problem eating or sleeping down here.
JW: Yeah, well this is generally considered a little more intimate than those things you mentioned.
SH: I suppose. But I don't really see why.
JW: Because it's something you usually only share with your partner?
SH: Yes. But you don't have a partner right now. And I'm not exactly asking you to share anything, I'm just saying you don't have to hide away on my account.
JW: That's... oddly considerate of you.
SH: You're welcome.
JW: I'm rather not in the mood any more.
SH: Oh. Sorry, I suppose.
JW: What for?
SH: Putting you off.
JW: I'd rather find someone anyway
SH: Interesting. Why?
JW: Because it's not just about feeling good for a while, but making someone else feel that way as well.
JW: You know, you'd know all this if you actually ever went and had a proper relationship with someone.
SH: Too much work, just to learn something I can as easily discover by observing you.
JW: Figures that you'd think so.
SH: I'm right.
JW: Why haven't you ever given it a try? Do you actually have a reason or are you just afraid?
SH: I have.
JW: Tried it or have a reason?
SH: Both.
JW: Oh. Well then.
JW: Would I be right in assuming that both are related?
SH: Of course.
JW: S-?
SH: Yes?
JW: It ended badly, didn't it?
SH: It begun badly. It ended disastrously..
JW: It's not related with the drugs is it?
SH: Not directly, no.
JW: Well, that's not exactly relieving either.
JW: Do you want to tell me what happened?
SH: Why?
JW: Because it might make you feel better about it?
JW: Because it might make me understand your motivations better.
SH: I don't feel bad about it. I tried something, it didn't work out and I learned a lot.
SH: But for once in my life, I would rather have remained ignorant
JW: I.. see. There's a lot I wish I could have been spared from as well when it comes to this, but I'm still trying.
SH: That's the part I don't really understand. That people can keep doing this. It can't truly be worth it.
JW: I'd rather be alone than in a bad relationship. But then again, when things work, it's easy as breathing.
SH: I don't believe that.
JW: I should know. I almost got married once. I'm a bit surprised Mycroft never told you that.
SH: He did.
JW: It was working. I'd probably still be with her if she would have agreed to wait.
SH: But you had to go.
JW: To Afghanistan, yes.
SH: She didn't understand?
JW: In a way she did, I suppose.
SH: Then why did it end?
JW: There's a difference between understanding and accepting.
JW: It was a remarkably anticlimatic break-up. No fighting involved.
JW: You would have been bored to tears.
SH: But you were hurt?
JW: Of course.
SH: But you keep trying. Why?
JW: Because, I suppose, I'm naive enough to think that I might be able to find that again. Well, something as steady anyway
JW: Every relationship is different from the last.
SH: I suppose so...
JW: You shouldn't think that everyone is going to be like that last person, S-.
SH: There was nothing wrong with the other person.
JW: Well, in that case, not everyone is as incompatible with you
SH: It's not a question of compatibility. It's just not my area
JW: If you are absolutely sure. Just think about it, though. There certainly isn't anything wrong with you.
SH: J-, I know you mean well, but you don't have to lie to me.
JW: Why would I be lying?
SH: There is something wrong with me. I'm fully aware of it, and so are you. It's not a problem, it's just the way things are.
JW: Do you really think that? Sure, you might be more intelligent than most people in this city and maybe a tad quirky, but there really is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, let me assure you. Even that claim about you being a sociopath clearly isn't true.
SH: J-. Don't!
JW: What? Why not?
SH: I know how you see me. But I also know what I am. I'm ... damaged. Got my wires crossed, someone once said.
JW: What do you mean wires crossed? And having a hard past doesn't make you any... less than other people. If it does anything, it makes you wiser.
SH: I've come to accept a long time ago, that no one can stand being around me for long. It's the way I am, and I have no intention of changing.
JW: What are Mrs H-, M-, L- and I? Imaginary friends?
SH: M- is my brother. We try to avoid spending more time together than absolutely necessary. Mrs H- and L- can handle me in small doses. And you. I don't really know how you do it.
JW: Me neither, but no one's forcing me to live here and I'm quite enjoying it, in fact, so unless you want me to leave, I have no intention of doing so.
SH: Of course I don't want you to leave. But it doesn't prove anything about me. It's about you. You are a very unique person
JW: Hardly. If anyone's unique, it's you.
SH: That's putting it mildly
JW: I still think that there's nothing wrong with you.
SH: That's very kind of you, J-
JW: Just decent, really.
JW: Did that last person tell you that there was something wrong with you?
SH: Yes. And they were right. I was horrible.
JW: Why do you think so?
SH: We had an argument. I was losing. And then I just started talking, observing, taking them apart. I couldn't stop.
SH: It got pretty bad.
JW: Oh. Well, I can't see that going down very well.
SH: Precisely. You have seen what I can do, when I don't stop to consider people's feelings. Imagine what happens when I'm actually aiming to hurt.
JW: That's.. a bit not good.
JW: What did they do? Before and after.
SH: The fight was about something stupid. Inconsequential. But I got stubborn and wouldn't back down. After... The note told me exactly how twisted and sick I am.
JW: You can be stubborn yes. But it was their fault as well, if they let it go on.
JW: And everyone makes mistakes.
JW: You must have learned things from that encounter.
SH: Yes. I have learned that I hurt people if I let them get too close
JW: That's not it. You must have learned to control what you say at least a little.
JW: You have never truly hurt me with your deductions, you know. Even thought I know for a fact that you've been angry at me,
SH: J-, I don't think you understand. I killed him. I didn't push him, but it was me who drove him to that rooftop.
SH: I'm never risking anything like that again.
JW: S-, I'm sorry.
JW: I don't think you are a killer. There must have been something else to it as well.
SH: Of course there was. Every regret of his life, every mistake and dirty little secret, laid out before him. I'm sure I had very little to do with it.
JW: I'm not saying what you did was right, but it was his decision. And you were angry. I know it probably isn't much consolation, but you were only protecting yourself the best you could. It's a natural reaction. And you have clearly learned from it.
JW: You are not a bad person, S-.
SH: But I am. Don't you see. I haven't learned anything. I still do it all the time. To everybody. And it's only a matter of time before I go too far again. I know it. And still I can't stop.
JW: You deduce people yes. You comment on the things you see very rarely though.
SH: Right...
JW: There are so many things you could have said about my sister that first night.
JW: You didn't.
JW: Or the psychosomatic limp.
JW: Or the state of my mental health.
SH: I said enough. Most other people would have knocked me down for just half the things I said to you.
JW: Perhaps. I think you've improved while I've lived here though. I'd like to think that having a reason to try has done you some good.
SH: Don't make me seem like something I'm not. It hurts too much.
JW: I'm sorry, S-. Perhaps I shouldn't have brought it up. I didn't know though.
SH: It's probably for the best that you know now. Safer for you.
JW: I don't think you could ever do that. Not like that anyway.
JW: You do know that I've been happier now than I was before right?
SH: I've seen it yes. Not sure I understand it though.
JW: I have company, someone who actually wants me there. And then there's the cases. Everyone knows I'm, to put it kindly, an adrenalin junkie. And you don't seem to mind. I can work again. I actually have a life.
SH: It is good. This thing we have. And yes, it has been good for me. I suppose I am better now than I've been for a very long time.
JW: I'm glad to hear that. Really. I do think that you deserve some happiness. It sounds like you have never had much of it.
SH: I'm not looking for happiness. Just... Oh I don't know. I just don't want to hurt.
JW: That would be a good start, yeah.
SH: And you give me that. Most of the time.
JW: Good, I want to.
SH: But it's not always enough. Sometimes, between cases, when the boredom sets in, it still hurts. It hurts so much I just want to escape it.
JW: Promise me you'll tell me next time, okay?
SH: I can't. I'm not always, how do you put it, completely rational, about things like that.
JW: Will you tell me if I ask you about it when I think you might be hurting?
SH: I think I can do that, yes.
JW: All right. Good. We'll try that.
SH: Thank you, J-.
JW: I'll feel better if you aren't miserable as well.
SH: I'll do my best.
JW: Just remember to let me help.
JW: You know, I meant it when I said that this was the most important relationship in my life at the moment.
SH: That's what scares me though
JW: I'm a grown man, S-.
SH: I don't doubt that. But you can still break. Everyone can. You can still leave.
JW: Of course I can. And you can, obviously, as well. Trust me when I say that I'd rather be here than in that little bedsit with nothing but my cane and my gun.
SH: I'd rather have you here as well.
JW: Good. I'm glad we agree on that.
SH: And I'm sorry if I sometimes drive you up the walls.
JW: I know.
JW: It's going to be just fine, trust me.
SH: I do.
I know this reveals nothing about the actual incident, that we did not already know, but I think this is the first time my brother has actually talked about what happened. It must be significant. Please let me know your thoughts on the subject.
MH