Author's Note: This is a fill for a dragon meme prompt. Original prompt:
I love the banter where Merril teases Fenris about loving Hawke while he denies it. Please please please someone write a fluff piece where in that moment realizes he does love her. I think I need him to awkwardly inform Hawke eventually but really interested in what is going on in his mind. Afterwards can be as smutty as author wishes. Just has to have a happy ending. :D
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Fenris
"I do not make puppy eyes!" I hissed, glaring at the bottle of wine in front of me. Merrill's words had stuck with me and I couldn't shake them. How dare she speak of something she knew nothing about!
"What's wrong?" Asked a voice from the door. I looked up and saw the very one Merrill had been teasing me about standing there. I hadn't missed the fact she'd over heard the argument with Merrill. Our situation was awkward enough without adding to it with the fact I was still mad at Merrill's careless words.
I had seen the way she'd reacted when I'd spoken. I was still hurting her. I'd run that night hoping my leaving would end her pain, but all I seemed to do was make it worse. I wasn't sure why she was still coming around.
"Nothing." I said more sharply than I'd intended. Abby looked taken aback.
"Alright then. I guess I'll see you later." She turned and started to leave.
"Abby, wait!" I called. Apparently I was a sucker for punishment. "Did you need something?"
"I just came by to check on you. Varric said you canceled on the game tonight." She said shrugging, attempting to act like there wasn't anything wrong with our relationship. She'd been trying since that night. As far as I could tell she'd not told a soul about it. For this I was grateful. I just wished I could undo what I'd done. This churn of emotions that I was trying to sort through wasn't getting any better. It wasn't easy to ignore anymore either. Sometimes I really missed being a slave. Sometimes it seemed simpler.
"I just wanted to be alone." I said watching her, wishing she'd look me in the eyes again. She hadn't since that night. I wanted so badly to do or say the right thing to make it better, but I just didn't know how.
"Oh. Then I'm disturbing you. Enjoy your night." She said and left. Part of me wanted to call her back. But all that would do was hurt her more. She didn't need to be in this mess with me. She would eventually move on. I grimaced as I thought of the two men just waiting for her to move on. Would I be able to watch it as she did?
I finished off the bottle wishing the wine could numb the pain of these horrible emotions. How did normal people deal with all these feelings? The wine didn't do anything but make me sleepy. I stumbled to my bed and fell in, happily submitting to the oblivion of sleep. Only it wasn't a peaceful escape as the dream started, haunting me nearly every night since I'd fled from her bed.
It always started in the same place. I'd stalked her as she entered the foyer and pulled her close, kissing her harshly. I pulled back from her, unsure if she was going to be angry or not. She stared at me surprised for a moment and then pulled me close. We'd kiss and fumble with our clothing as we hurried up the stairs and into her room.
She giggled as we stumbled and I fell into the bed on top of her. It was an odd sound coming from brave and tough Abby. I was enchanted with the sound and pulled back to stare down at her. Her emerald eyes had sparkled so beautifully as she looked back up at me.
"Show me what you've been thinking about." She said enticingly, beckoning me to come closer. It had been the start of a night so special it had branded me. Each kiss, each touch, each whispered word were etched into my memories and skin. I could recall them as clearly as if it was actually happening right now.
But as always the dream rushed ahead no matter how much I fought it. The feelings began to overwhelm me. I felt like I was drowning. I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. Everything was such a jumble. And then the memories filled my mind, too fast and bright to hold onto, slipping away before I could even fully grasp them.
And then the horrible conversation of why I couldn't stay with her. The dream always ended with her pain filled eyes as she looked at me. "Please don't run away from me."
I started awake and cursed loudly. Why couldn't I move past this? I rubbed my hand over my face and climbed out of bed.
"Go away!" I snapped as I spotted Varric coming into the room.
"Well, aren't we even more broody than normal today?" He arched his brow at me, watching as I wrapped the red ribbon around my wrist. She'd given it to me. A favor for her favorite warrior. That's what she'd said anyway. A silly bit of mush. I wasn't sure why I treasured it so much. "When are you going to admit that something is going on between the two of you?"
"What are you going on about?" I asked wishing desperately for some peace. My head pounded fiercely.
"You and Abby. A blind man could see it. Void, Merrill's seen it!" Varric said and leaned against my table.
"There is nothing between us! I'm not in love with her! I do not make sad puppy eyes! There has been no sweeping! There will be no sweeping! Now if you that is all you wanted, you know where the door is. Use it."
"Broody, not to make you madder or anything, but do you even know what love is?" He asked and then held his hands up as I started to growl. "Fine. I'm leaving. Come see me when you're done sulking."
"I don't sulk either!" I huffed as he left. Alright, I really was sulking. But I didn't know what to do with all of this.
Normally when I had a problem or a question I would go to Abby. She'd help me sort through it until I managed to figure it out. But I couldn't go to her with all of this. I'd just hurt her more.
Varric and Isabela would probably hear me out and eventually help. But they'd tease me until the day I died, or the day I killed them. Not sure which would happen first. Anders and Merrill were evil and no way I was going to them. Donnic and Aveline would probably be sympathetic, but they were gone on their honeymoon right now. That only left one other option.
Sebastian was a good friend. Almost as good as Abby. He would no doubt listen to me. But I knew he harbored feelings for Abby as well. And how would you go about discussing this with someone? I wasn't even sure what to discuss. I sighed and rubbed my face again. There was no way I could go to him about this.
I got up and dressed, strapping on my sword and heading out of the house. I would find something to do. Something to distract me from the emotions. I would shove them aside until they just went away.
"If it isn't my handsome friend! What a fortunate coincidence! Where is your lovely Champion?" Asked a thick accented voice. One I'd hoped not to hear again anytime soon. Abby had ignored his flirting before, but would she this time?
"We aren't friends." I said turning to eye the Antivan elf we'd rescued a few weeks ago.
"You wound me so, my angry friend." He laughed.
"I thought you were leaving."
"I was. But circumstances have brought me back. You look like someone has stolen your favorite dagger. Want to tell me about it? Shall I go and kill this dagger thief?"
"I don't have daggers." I said frowning at him.
"It was a joke. A poor one it seems." He said shaking his head. "Nothing with the lovely Champion is it?"
"She's fine. I don't know where she is. Try her house if you need her." I said and started to walk by.
"Ah, so it is woman problems!" He said.
"I do not have any problems." I snapped.
"And that is why you are so cheerful. Such a happy smile lighting up your emerald eyes, no?" He slapped my back. "Come, I will buy you a drink and you can tell me all about it."
"I don't even know you!" I protested as he began dragging me with him.
"Then we should remedy that immediately. What better way than to commiserate about our women over a drink?"
"You have a woman? Just one? The way you spoke before…"
"Ah, that is just my way. I used to be a carefree lover of any who caught my eye: men, women, multiple at the same time." He sighed. "Until I met my Warden." He pulled open the door to a tavern that none of my friends ever came to. He saw my look. "If you would rather, I will pour out my sad tale to you, and you can drink in broody silence. It is a good look for you. Must drive the women all insane."
"Why am I even doing this?" I asked as we slipped into a quiet booth in the back of the tavern.
"Because you needed a friend at the moment. I've been there myself. You and I are not so different you know."
"Were you a slave at the hands of a cruel master who enjoyed inflicting pain on you? Did you have to run and fight to stay alive every step of the way? Did someone steal all of your memories and leave you this…mess of a half person?" I hissed at him. I was tired of people saying I should be sympathetic to someone because we shared a similar plight or that they understood what I was going through. No one did. No one could.
"In a way I was a slave to a very cruel set of masters who's only purpose in life is to inflict pain on others. I have had to run and fight to stay alive. I wouldn't have stood a chance if the Wardens hadn't helped me. As to memories, sometimes I wish that some were gone." He said sadly.
"I'd take all the bad memories as well as the good to remember something before my life as a lyrium warrior." I said looking away from him.
"Aren't we a fine pair? Two handsome and strong men in the prime of our lives. With beautiful women waiting for us to wise up, yet here we are. Drinking in the morning. Not a good start, my friend."
I decided to dodge the whole that I had a beautiful woman waiting for me. I was fairly certain I'd burned that bridge. Instead I'd take his offer for the drink and listen to his tale. It would be better than moping or sulking.
"So you mentioned your Warden." I said and waited for the chatty man to continue. He winked at the waitress as she sat the drinks down for us and disappeared.
"My beautiful Kalli. She is too good for the likes of me. Strong, proud, kind, beautiful, and oh so deadly. My little minx is a superb fighter. Your lovely Abby reminds me of her. Same fighting style."
"I thought the Warden married the king." I said wondering if this was his sad tale.
"One of the Wardens did marry the king. Beautiful Elissa married Alistair, becoming queen while my Kalli went on to be the Warden Commander at Amaranthine."
"So if she's in Ferelden, why are you here?"
"Short story? I am a fool." He said and rolled the mug between his hands.
"And the longer story?" I pressed.
"As you know, the Crows hunt me. I thought by leaving her, I could keep her safe. I'd go to Antiva and rid the world of the Crows. Or at least send enough of a message that coming after me again would be unwise. Then I could return to her and live the life I promised her." He hung his head sadly. "But all I've done is hurt her. She needed me, and I abandoned her. She says she forgives me, but I worry that this will not be so." He sighed heavily. "Love is a tricky whore."
"So…you love her?" I asked. He didn't seem the type to truly love. I knew a bit about the Crows. They didn't seem the type to allow feelings anymore than a slave was allowed to have them. Feelings and thinking were dangerous in both our old worlds. Maybe he was right about we weren't so dissimilar.
"I do. At first that was hard for me to admit to myself much less to her. I was born to a whore who died giving me life. I was raised in the whorehouse until the Crows bought me at seven. All I knew about love was what I'd seen of the whores who sold it to anyone willing to pay. And then later my training with the Crows taught me to harden my heart in favor of the kill. So I was confused by the feelings Kalli inspired in me."
"So how did you know that you loved her? I mean if you didn't know what love was, how could you know that you loved her?" I toyed with my mug of ale as I waited for him to answer. This was what I was struggling with. I knew I felt something for Abby. I just wasn't sure what it was.
Love was as foreign a concept to me as it was to him apparently. It seemed like a weakness. If you loved then you were weaker. The other person had power over you. So did anyone who knew how you felt.
"I didn't at first. At first the feelings were overwhelming, and they angered me. I tried to ignore them, but they wouldn't go away."
"So what did you do?"
"I acted like an ass while I tried to figure it out. Luckily for me, she was patient while I sorted through it." He shook his head and smiled ruefully. "I actually refused to sleep with her thinking all that I was feeling would go away if I distanced myself. So I became withdrawn and moody. She finally confronted me about it and I was forced to tell her what I was feeling or risk loosing her forever."
"And that's how you knew you loved her?" I asked still confused by that.
"No. I realized that I would rather deal with the overwhelming emotions rather than lose her. I would rather die than see her harmed. No, not even harmed. I would rather die than see her upset. She was all I could think about. All I wanted to do was take care of her. My needs and wants came second to hers." He looked at me then. "This may not sound like a big deal, but I am a very selfish man."
"You don't say?" I couldn't help but poke.
"Oh-ho and the man can make a joke!" He laughed. "I wasn't sure then that what I felt was love. It took Alistair explaining his feelings about Elissa for me to realize that I felt the same about Kalli."
"So you just told her you loved her, but you weren't sure?" I asked. That didn't seem wise. If Kalli was anything like Abby, that wouldn't go over too well if she found out the truth.
"Fade, no! What do you take me for?" He said shaking his head. "I told her I didn't know what I was feeling, but I knew that I wanted to be with her. Well, I told her that after she cornered me about being moody. I tried to be more subtle about it at first. I was scared to let her have that power over me." He sighed. "I told you I was a fool, right? Anyway. I had an earring that I'd kept from my first mark. It was a simple little jeweled thing. I tried to give it to her, telling her it was a thank you for helping free myself." He smiled as he looked away. "She actually refused it. She said if it wasn't a sentimental thing, she didn't want it."
"And you still told her you loved her?"
"Eventually. After she cornered me about why I was being distant, I told her I wanted her to have it again. That it meant something this time. She teased me, saying it sounded like a marriage proposal." He smiled wistfully and finished off his ale. "Ever the cautious assassin, I told her I wasn't opposed to that if she wasn't."
"That isn't a romantic gesture in the stories like Varric tells." I said shaking my head. What sort of woman was this Kalli if she would put up with all of his antics? Maybe that's what love was. Still wanting to be with them even when they were screwed up or hurt you or even just annoyed you.
"Not my finest moment, no." He agreed.
"So what happened?"
"She still wears the earring to this day. Or so she told me in her last letter. She also told me to come home and make an honest woman of her before her father put a hit out on me." He laughed. "So that is why I will be going to Ferelden soon. I can't stand to be away from her. Nothing has hurt as much as this time apart. I will gladly spend the rest of my days begging her forgiveness if she will just allow me to be beside her." He slapped his hand against the table. "And that my friend is how I know I love her."
"You weren't afraid to let her have that power over you?" I asked.
"Afraid, yes. But one thing I have discovered, is that life is a risk. If you don't risk anything, you won't gain anything. I don't know if you feel the same about your Abby, but my Kalli is worth the risk." He shrugged. "So want to tell me your sad tale?"
"No." I answered honestly. He inclined his head to me.
"Fair enough." He said.
We sat in silence for a few moments before he began telling me more of his adventures. I eventually told him some of mine. I was careful to steer clear of my situation with Abby. I wasn't ready to discuss that yet. I still had some things I needed to think on. Eventually the day wore on and we got up.
"Well, my friend, it has been nice chatting with you. I wish you well in whatever life brings you."
"And you as well." I nodded to him. I then paused to look back at him. "Thank you for sharing your story with me."
"I am only too happy to help like Alistair did for me. Who knows, perhaps someday it will be you passing on your wisdom of love to a poor sap." He winked and gave me a cheeky smile. "Farewell, Fenris." He said and disappeared into the crowd. I sighed and headed home. He'd given me a lot to think on. Maybe I could sort through all these emotions and figure out enough that I could manage them.
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I looked down at the paper in my hand. I'd been trying to sort through my jumbled feelings by writing it all down. I thought maybe if I could just get it out, I could make more sense of it all. But it was just a mess.
"What's all of this?" Donnic asked as he entered my room.
"Ah, you're back. And how was the honeymoon?" I asked quickly laying the paper down. Maybe if I could distract him, he'd forget about this.
"I am a very lucky man. Aveline is amazing." Donnic smiled a happy smile. "Thank you for helping us get together."
"Abby did most of it." I shrugged.
We'd become friends over the course of the last few months as he and Aveline started their relationship. I liked and respected the guard who was obviously crazy about Aveline. I had the deepest respect for them both and enjoyed spending time with Donnic.
"Still, thank you." He said and sat down. "So what are you doing?" He motioned to my ink covered hands and the stack of papers I was trying to hide.
"Nothing. Just…writing." I looked away from him as he arched his brow.
"Taking up writing novels now?" He teased.
I laughed. "Hardly." I glanced around, making sure we were alone. I leaned closer to him and lowered my voice. "If I tell you something, will it stay just between us?"
He nodded slowly. "Same as the poker games have to the women. It's an unspoken code amongst men, Fenris. Unless it's something too dangerous to keep secret, it will never go past me." I hesitated a moment longer and then handed him the latest pages. He took them and scanned them. He then looked at me puzzled. "I like that she is dedicated to what she believes in. But I hate that she won't listen to reason about anything once her mind is made up. I hate that she wants to help anyone who ask for it. No, I like that sometimes. I like how giving and kind she is. I just wish it didn't get her into so many dangerous situations." He read out loud. "Is this a…are you trying to write Abby a letter?"
"No! I never want her to see this. I'm just…I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so confused about all this stuff and I don't know what to do. Zevran explained his story of falling in love with the Warden and it made me think." I rambled as I began to pace. "I know I feel something for her. But these feelings and emotions are too much. At first I thought if I just distanced myself from her, they'd go away. But they haven't. According to Zevran they won't. So then I thought maybe if I could just get them down that they'd make sense, but they don't. As many of the qualities that I don't like about her, I do like. This is too confusing. Why did she have to come into my life? Things were easier before I met her."
"Wait, hold on. Who's Zevran?" Donnic asked.
"A former Antivan Crow assassin who we rescued a few weeks ago." I answered.
"And you talked to him about your feelings for Abby?"
"No! I just listened and asked him some questions. I've not told anyone about my feelings or what happened…" I closed my eyes as I realized I was now going to have to tell him what had happened.
"Something happened with Abby?" He asked.
I sighed and sat down. "We…slept together."
"Oh. Well, that's a…wait, did you say you were avoiding her hoping the feelings would go away? Tell me you didn't sleep with her and now are avoiding her!"
"Not exactly. I waited for her to wake up and told her it was too much, that I couldn't do it." I said. He groaned and slapped a hand over his face.
"When Aveline finds out, she might just run you through."
"She won't find out unless you tell her. It's not like Abby's going around telling anyone. At least I don't think she has because no one has said anything at all."
"Are you saying this didn't just happen?" Donnic asked.
"No, it happened two weeks before your wedding."
"And neither of you let on at all? That's…she's tougher than even Aveline thinks." Donnic shook his head. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"What was I supposed to say? That I was a coward and ran from her?" I snapped and began to pace again.
"So you decided to make a list of things you like and dislike about her?" He asked.
"It didn't start that way. I was just trying to write down whatever was on my mind. It started off with random things. Like I discovered there is a certain type of olive and cheese that I prefer. Then it was things that struck me about my day. Then it was things she'd done. And now it's this…jumbled list of her traits that I like and don't like. Most at the same time." I sat down and put my head in my hands as I leaned on the tabletop. "How did you know that Aveline was the one?"
"Because I can't imagine being without her ever. Because even when she's nuts and makes me insane, there's no where I'd rather be than at her side. Because no matter how bad my day has been, if I can see her smile, it makes it better. She makes me feel strong and capable and cared for. I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of her."
"And you don't feel like that gives her all the power over you? That it doesn't make you weak?" I asked.
"I think I'm stronger because of her and my love for her. I know that I would do anything to keep her safe. I have a reason for living and it gives me a drive. And she doesn't hold the power over me. She loves me too. Love isn't about power or control. It's about wanting to take care of the other. Love is about having someone to stand by you when things are at their worst. Someone who will always have your back no matter what."
"Isn't that what friendship is?" I asked.
"Love is just a deeper sort of friendship, Fenris. At least in my experience." He patted my arm and then looked at the pages. "As part of the code, I have to warn you that you are in danger if you don't get rid of these list about her. If someone found it and told her, or worse she found it, she wouldn't wait for you to explain it. She'd be hurt and quite possibly hurt you as well. So if you want to be safe, I would suggest we burn these. I'll get you a journal to keep your thoughts in, but try not to leave a list around like this."
"Good idea. I'd hate to give Varric or Isabela a new story idea." I said as we began gathering up the list and putting them in the fire. We visited a while longer as he told me about Orlais and their travels. We agreed to start up the biweekly poker game next week now that he was back before he left.
He'd given me even more to think on. But the picture was starting to look pretty clear. I was fairly certain that I was in love with Abby. Now the bigger problem was what to do with this troubling revelation.
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Abby
"And once the mages were in Ferelden, they would be free to start their lives? They wouldn't be forced to go to the Circle or be hunted by templars?" I asked eyeing the friendly king of Ferelden and his sort of uncle.
They'd come to Kirkwall to seek my aid in enlisting help from Kirkwall. His plans hadn't gone over well with Meredith who knew they were harboring mages. There wasn't a lot I could do to give him the aid he'd sought, but I did have some pull with the nobles. And the ever growing mage underground. They would be a force to be reckoned with. If Alistair was true to his word and would give them freedom, he'd have an army the likes of which hadn't been seen outside Tevinter in ages.
"Completely free once they registered that they were mages." Teagan nodded to me.
"Do you mean give you a phylactery?" I asked. The underground would never go for that.
"It's just a registry that will say that they are mages who agree to govern themselves by the same rules that apply to all. No maiming and dealing death or destruction. You know, that sort of thing." Alistair assured me. "Trust me, Elissa works closely with the Mage Collective. She'd scalp me if I didn't keep this agreement. And we have some mage friends who educated us to their plight. Not unlike yourself I'm sure."
"I do have friends who are mages, but my father was and my sister is a mage. I grew up learning all about the mages plight first hand." I nodded to him. "I will present this arrangement to the underground. I should have an answer by the first of next week. If they are agreeable to it, Isabela will begin bringing the mages over as early as…" I trailed off as I heard Bohdan's frantic voice at the door.
"Master Fenris, please let me announce…" He started but the doors burst open and Fenris stood there. His eyes were wild and slightly panicked as he looked at me.
"Fenris?" I asked standing up. "What's wrong? Is it Danarius?"
"I think I love you!" He blurted out making the same disgusted face he'd made when informing me he hated fish. The wine glass that had been in my hand clattered to the table and spilt over my plate.
"Dinner and a show! You really know how to entertain!" Alistair said leaning his elbows on the table. Teagan must have kicked him under the table because he jerked and grunted before glaring at Teagan who was giving him a hard look.
Fenris' eyes widened farther as he saw them and all color drained from his face. He didn't meet my eyes again as he looked at the floor. "I didn't realize you had company." He started to turn.
"Don't you dare!" I warned him. I then turned to Teagan and Alistair. "Can we continue this conversation tomorrow perhaps?"
"Meet with your contacts and get back to us." Alistair nodded to me. I inclined my head to him.
"Finish your meals. Bohdan will see to anything you need." I said and turned in time to see Fenris sneaking off. "If you run, so help me, Fenris, I will hunt you down!" I called after him. Fenris froze for a second and then began to glow, vanishing from sight in a blur as he raced away. I was going to kill him.
Alistair snorted a laugh. "And I thought Elissa was scary."
"I'll tell her you said that." Teagan said lightly.
"Just because she killed the archdemon doesn't mean I'm scared of her." Alistair protested as I started off after Fenris. "Wait, don't tell her I said that!" I heard him pleading as I moved to the door.
I went straight to his house. It was where he went when he was sulking. I stormed into his room and saw him pacing there. His eyes widened as he saw me. "I can explain!" He said worriedly.
"I think I'm going to kill you!" I yelled at him as I rushed him, tackling him to the ground. I then sat up, straddling his waist. He braced, watching me warily looking for signs of battle. His look turned to confusion as I crossed my arms and watched him.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Making sure you can't run until we've had this conversation."
"I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner." He said looking away from me.
"I don't give a damn about that! You can't just say something like that, make a face like it's the worst thing in the world, and then run away!"
"I panicked. I didn't know what to do." He said and looked so defeated I relented in my anger. I climbed off of him and offered him my hand.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten angry with you." I sighed as I pulled him to his feet.
"No, I shouldn't have run. Not that night and not today." He clasped my hand when I tried to release his. "I don't know what to do with these emotions, these feelings. It's so much and it's so confusing."
"You told me this already. You said you couldn't do it. I got it. You don't have to keep beating yourself up about it. I was an experiment for you and it failed." I shrugged not looking at him. Looking at him hurt too much.
I remembered that night too clearly. His eyes slightly fearful after he'd kissed me. His lips soft and surprisingly gentle. His hands calloused and strong on my body. The way he moaned my name as if it was a precious secret. The feel of him filling me, surrounding me. The scent of his skin lingering on mine. And then his painful confession that he just couldn't do it. I'd tried to find someway to help him. I wanted to sooth the pain that weighed him down so, but he'd just walked away.
My heart had broken that night in ways I hadn't know was possible. I'd already lost my family so I had thought I knew all about heartbreak. But I'd been unprepared for the blow Fenris had dealt me.
I'd been dealing with it as best I could. Keeping busy mainly. If I was a bit sad now and again, most just thought I was still dealing with my mother's murder. No one had guessed the truth.
Part of me wanted to push him away. Distance myself from him. Maybe I could heal if I would just stay away, but I loved Fenris. I had for a long time. I'd always known the chances of us working were slim. I'd vowed to help him and I would. No matter how much it hurt to be near him I wouldn't abandon him. Even now, I'd hear him out and let him vent his grief and confusion.
"I did fail, but it wasn't a game to me. I was scared and confused. Instead of telling you what was going through my mind, I ran like a child. I've been trying to deal with all of this. First by trying to ignore it, but like Zevran said, the feelings just won't go away."
"You spoke with Zevran? When?" I asked growing confused.
"A couple of weeks ago." He answered. "He told me about his past and how he came to love the Warden."
"But the Warden is married to the king." I said frowning at him.
"That's what I said, but apparently there are two Wardens. And it's beside the point. He said that he'd not known how to handle his feelings. He'd thought that maybe if he distanced himself from her it would go away. But it didn't. He finally confessed to her that he didn't understand what he was feeling but he knew he didn't want to be away from her." He looked at me like he was waiting for something.
"Okay." I said slowly not really sure what he was getting at.
"So I started trying to write down my thoughts and feelings. I thought if I got them out, then I could make sense of them. I was making list about things I liked and didn't like about you."
"You were making list about the things you hate about me?" I asked angrily.
"Yes, but that just made things more confusing because so many things about you that drive me crazy are part of what I admire about you."
"Fenris, I'm trying really hard not to be offended here, but it's getting harder by the minute."
"Donnic warned me if you found them, you'd get mad so I burnt them." Fenris said looking at me pleadingly.
"You told Donnic about this?" I hissed. That was just great. The last thing I wanted was a pitying look from Aveline the next time I saw her.
"Yes, but don't worry he said guys have an unwritten code that prevents us from telling others about stuff. I think it applies to all, but he sort of implied it was you girls mainly."
"He did, did he?" I asked arching my brow. "What other helpful tidbits of wisdom did he impart on you?"
"He said that love didn't make you weak. And that it wouldn't give you power over me." He said looking at me with a slightly hopeful look. "He talked about how he knew Aveline was the one. And it sounded pretty much how I feel. Even when I want to throttle you, I don't want to be away from you."
"You want to…oh. You mean that you want to be with me?" I asked slowly. Anger gave way as hope surged forward. Dear Maker, protect me and him if he's not sure about this, I prayed.
He nodded. "Nothing hurts as much as the thought of living without you. I still feel overwhelmed with all of these feelings, but I don't want to be without you. If you can forgive me for running away, I'd like to try again."
"Do you really mean this, Fenris? If you do this and change your mind, I don't know that I can go back to your friend." I cautioned him.
"Donnic said love was just a deeper friendship." He said and pulled me closer to him. "I don't want to be without you. No matter how bad things are, seeing you smile does make it better. I love when I make you laugh. I hate when you are upset or hurt. I want to kill every templar who upsets you and free every mage just to make you happy. You know how I feel about mages and templars. So I really think that means I love you." He said looking slightly disturbed.
"Oh, Fenris!" I said with a slight laugh. "That is the sweetest and strangest thing anyone's ever told me before."
"So you understand me?" He asked looking relieved.
"I think I do." I nodded and moved into his arms. "Even when I want to throttle you, I don't want to be away from you. Nothing has hurt as much as being without you. And you were forgiven the moment you left. I understand that this is hard for you. I understand that you need time and space, but so help me, if you run from me again, I will carve you up and feed you to fish."
He wrinkled his nose cutely as he watched me. "I hate fish."
"I know." I leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "Fenris?" I called as I started for the door and looked at him over my shoulder. "I love you too." He flashed me that beautiful grin before he frowned.
"Then where are you going?"
"My house. It's going to rain, and your roof has too many holes. You are more than welcome to join me. For tonight or forever. My room, separate rooms. The choice is yours."
He appeared before me and pulled me tightly to him. "Wait for me to get my things together." He then kissed me until my knees went weak. He gave me a smug look as he pulled back and went to pack a bag.
I leaned against the door and watched him. "So is this a long stay or a short one?" I couldn't help but ask as he sorted through things.
"I can get the rest of the stuff later." He said as he shoulder a bag. He pressed a kiss to my lips as he got to me. "Forever sounds like just about the right amount of time. To start with anyways."