And now, a personal word from the author:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOLZ, IT'S WAS STILL JUNE 9TH WHEN I UPLOADED IT.
also, thanks to PhoenixVersion1 for picking up some of the mistakes I've made.
Back on topic:
For the record, I didn't just go through Ed Without Plot and changed the names and gender pronouns. This was written from scratch, based on the original idea. So, while the plot is, predictably, „An returns home to find a horny Jay in her room", the jokes are somewhat different, to accommodate for the swapped genders.
An, Ann 'n' Anny was created by VampireMeerkat.
An eighteen-year-old girl stepped out of the bus, wearing a gray long-sleeved shirt, and trousers of the same color. She had a plastic bag in her left hand, and a mask and a prop gun were stuffed in her pocket.
No, she wasn't preparing for a bank robbery. She was returning from a local convent. The bag was full of goodies she had won in a cosplay competition, dressed as a protagonist of Twelve-Thirteen, a horror game she had recently played. Apart from that, she had met lots of fantastic people, bought an issue of Cuboid Suicidal Hedges signed by the author, and overall had a jolly old time.
As she walked towards her house, she felt something vibrating in her pocket. She pulled out a phone to notice she had just received a message from her younger brother.
parents r out of town at moms colleagues
im sleeping at jamies 2night
remember to close the doors
love sam
After decoding the SMS, the girl grinned. It meant she had the house all for herself for the night, and could invite her friends for a sleepover. Strolling down the street to her house, she hastily typed an invitation for Ann and Anny.
free house, come 4 a sleepover, an.
The redhead entered her house, and cheerfully skipped to her room, excited about the concluded con and the perspective of spending some time with her best friends.
Her good mood was dampened slightly when she tripped and rolled down a flight of stairs leading to her room.
"Ow-ow-ouch-owie-ow!"
After tumbling to the basement, she groaned and tried to stand up, only to notice her feet were tangled in something. She bent over to grab it and found out it was a white shirt, similar to the one that Jay Kanker usually wore. She looked around and noticed a discarded pair of red shorts on the fifth step.
After the incident with Anny's older sister, the relation between Ans and Kankers improved a bit. From time to time, the boys dropped by to use her washing machine, which An didn't mind. Convinced it's a leftover from the last laundry payload, the girl tossed them into the dirty laundry basket and didn't really think about that.
As she walked into her room to get some fresh clothes, she noticed a boombox in the corner playing smooth jazz. Before she could process that fact, she heard a slam behind her. She spun around and noticed Jay leaning against the closed door.
"Hello sweetheart." the boy greeted her.
"Hi Jay!" she replied, oblivious to the boy's clear intentions. "Those were your clothes on the stairs? I put them in the washing machine."
"We ain't gonna need them." He approached her and pulled her closer to himself, to her confusion. "I'm here to take you to new heights..."
"You've got a plane?" The redhead grinned. "That's awesome!"
The boy chuckled. "I guess you could call it that."
An clapped her hands in glee. "Can I see it? Where is it?"
Jay smiled in a sleazy manner. "In my pants, sweetie."
The redhead looked at his crotch. After half a second she raised a half of her unibrow. "...but how did you fit a plane in there?"
At that moment the blonde realized him and the girl were having two different conversations.
"No, An, not a literal plane... it's more of a code."
"For what?" she asked, unsure.
"An' they say us guys can't read between the lines... For instance, it could mean..." he leaned over and whispered a few obscenities to her ear. "Did ya get it now?"
"I... don't think it's a good idea." She scratched her head. "I don't want to get feathers in my mouth..."
Jay's eyes widened a bit in surprise, then he scowled. "Oh-kay, I tried to be subtle, but apparently it ain't the way to go. In layman's terms: " he pulled down his pants and pointed at his erect member. "This goes inside you."
The girl looked at his crotch. "Yep, it's a penis. A normal, healthy one that doesn't look like a pla-" she stopped as she finally added two and two together. She raised her head slowly and looked in the boy's eyes. "Sooooo... you want to have sex with me?"
"YES!" the boy shouted in exasperation. "You do know how the ins and outs work, right?!"
"Yeah, I do, I do." she raised her hands. "There's a boy and a girl..."
"An' a girl is either a manipulative bitch or a cocksucking slut." Jay muttered.
"Huh?"
"No, no, no, no, that wasn't about you," he reassured. "That's just how my dad explained this to me. Anyway..." he gestured towards the girl's bed with his hand, "... are we doin' it or what?"
"Em, now here's the thing:" An mumbled. "I... don't wanna have sex with you."
A pregnant pause followed. The girl reminded herself of all the times the blonde boy and his brothers chased her and her friends around and kissed them against their will. A worst case scenario immediately appeared in her head and she felt drips of cold sweat going down her neck.
After a disturbingly long period, the boy broke the silence. "Oh we-"
"Please don't hurt me!" The girl jumped away from him and backed into the cornet and curled under her mattress.
After a moment needed to process what the heck did just happen, Jay raised his hands slightly. "Whoa, whoa, relax, relax. Do-do you seriously think I'm going to rape ya or somethin'?"
"...yes?" the girl muttered from her cover, terrified.
Jay rolled his eyes. "For crying out loud..." He tried to walk forward, but tripped and fell down, face-first. After standing up and putting his briefs back on, he walked towards the girl's hiding spot, crouched in front of it and outstretched his hand.
"Come out, An." he said, calmly. "You don't want it, an' that's fine. I ain't gonna force you or anything."
The redhead stuck out her head. "Promise?"
"I promise."
The girl crawled out from under her bed, still slightly disturbed, with a comic book stuck to her back and an old buttered toast on her left shoulder.
"You've got somethin' here..." Jay pointed. An looked at the toast and rapidly snatched her into her mouth. After chewing it down and swallowing, she had noticed the boy's face became a bit more green.
"Sorry, I always eat when I'm stressed."
The boy sat down and nodded at the girl to do the same thing. "I'm tellin' you, An, there's no need to be stressed." he repeated. "You said 'no', and I'm gonna respect this..."
"But why me?" the girl interrupted him. "Why do you want to have sex with me? What's so good about me," she looked at her chest, "my tits ain't even big... Don't you have some easy girls in your trailer park?"
"I don't feel like gettin' every STD in the book, thank you very much." Jay muttered. "But seriously, this" he poked her chest, between her breasts, "makes up for every single flaw of your body."
"As in, my sternum?"
"Your heart." Jay made a mental note to be as direct as possible when dealing with An.
"So, what you're saying is that you like me for my heart, not for what I look like?" the girl asked.
Jay enthusiastically nodded.
The redhead looked at him with disbelief, then asked "...really?"
The boy let out an exasperated sigh.
"Yes, really." he started. "You're a fine gal with a huge heart and a wide imagination that stayed nice to me despite all the shit I've put you through. And I didn't do a one-eighty and walk away the moment you said you don't want the D, so I guess I'm not tellin' you all this expectin' you to reward me for bein' nice to ya."
An awkward pause followed. The boy allowed himself to put his hand on An's.
"You're awesome, you know that?"
An blushed. "T-thanks, Jay." After a second of silence, she added: "But I still don't wanna have sex with you."
The boy looked at her, smiling. "That's fine. You look better dressed anywa-"
Then, the door to the girl's room opened and her two friends, Ann and Anny, walked in.
"So, did ya pick the movie al-" the pink-haired girl stopped mid-sentence, noticing a half-naked boy sitting on the bed next to her friend.
No one dared to say anything for the next few seconds. Jay broke the silence:
"...um, hi Anny, hi Double-N?"
"Welcome, Jay..." Ann replied. "We are probably... interrupting you two..."
Anny was the first one to move from her spot. She walked to the boy, pulled out a condom from her pocket and shoved it into his hand.
"She's a grown-up girl, I ain't gonna stop her," she spat through her teeth, "but if you get her knocked up, I promise, you're gonna sell your kidneys for child support."
Having said that, she turned around, grabbed Ann by the wrist, muttered "We'll be back in an hour or so..." and walked out, slamming the door behind herself.
An turned to Jay. "Are we going to tell them?"
The boy grinned. "In a moment. It's funnier that way."
A few things:
Ed Without Plot did not age well... (adds another item to his "rewrite at some point" list)
As I've said in my Saturday An Special author's note, this particular genderswap deprives me of the easiest "LOL she's more manly than him" jokes, and keeping it funny enough with a guy breaking in and wanting to sleep with a girl was a bit of a challenge. Nevertheless, I think I pulled this off pretty well.
I promise, this is the end of my romance with VM's genderbends for now. I have an idea regarding Tee and Anny, but for now I'll return to the regularly scheduled programming. More Ed and May soon™...
And it wouldn't be a good rewrite without a stinger, now, would it?
Ans and Kankers (Larie and Tee decided to tag along) were sitting on the couch, boys on the one side, girls on the other, watching one of the movies An had picked. A huge bucket of popcorn was circling around them, with everyone grabbing a fistful of kernels every time it was his turn.
"Am I the only one who has some sort of deja vu?" Ann asked.
"What?" Jay inquired.
The hatted girl turned to her friends. "Didn't we see that movie before?"
"We've seen Attack of the Deadly Edible Arts Graduates," the redheaded girl replied. "This one's kinda similar. Well, almost the same."
"I've watched that one." Tee joined the conversation. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't that movie about a blonde girl and a redheaded guy?"
An nodded.
"This one's about a redheaded girl and a blonde guy." the boy went on. "Other than that, it's the same freakin' thing!"
"And if I recall correctly," An added, "this one and Attack had the same screenwriter."
"So let's sum it up:" Larie piped in, "this guy basically rewrote the story, just made the girls guys, and the guys – girls, and published it, like it's something completely new?"
"It seems so." Ann answered.
"That's dumb!" Anny summed up. "What's the bloody point of this?"
After a pause, the blonde boy shyly muttered: "Um, guys..."
"THAT'S THE JOKE, JAY." the remaining five said in unison.