I.Q. How it really should have gone

I was just watching a god-awful movie with my friends the other day and it was very painful to watch. It was so stereotypical; we had to fast forward through a lot of the crap just so we wouldn't throw up watching it. The only thing that made it watchable was the fact that the fiancé, James Moreland, was played by the totally awesome Stephen Fry, and the fact that one of the characters was played by the guy who plays Mr. Monk.

The movie, I.Q. was completely biased and was one of the most offensive things I have seen since the Twilight series. And that series made me want to cry and stab myself to put myself out of my misery. The only funny scene in the entire movie was the scene where the main female lead and Stephen Fry are watching a movie together, and she refuses to let him eat popcorn.

Disclaimer: If I owned the movie, I wouldn't be ranting about it, because it would actually be good. If Tim Burton owned the movie, it would be perfect.

Chapter One: So what's with that Ed guy insulting a random stranger anyway? Isn't he paying him to fix his car or something?

Catherine Boyd was very beautiful and smart (apparently. Anyone who's seen the movie would probably disagree). Being the niece of the famous Albert Einstein apparently made you automatically smart because nobody of average intelligence was allowed to be in his family. She was stereotypical with her bright blue eyes, and curly blonde hair (earning the nickname "Curly-Q Cathy" amongst everyone who glanced at her and snickered behind her back) with bright red lips. That and the fact that she was so smart that she rambled on about stupid topics that were so pointless no one, not even her uncle, could care about made her seem like the perfect female to be wedded too.

James Moreland didn't think so, but he didn't really get much of a choice, his parents obviously putting him through an arranged marriage. They figured that if their son was married to the niece of the famous Albert Einstein, they too would become quite famous and popular, and then they might actually have some friends. James himself was very handsome, with a more practical kind of smart, and intelligence in fields that would actually benefit the human race, unlike knowing that there was no color in a subatomic scale. He was an experimental psychology professor, his work coming very close to a breakthrough that would benefit the entire world. Catherine was very proud of the fact and would often brag to her Uncle Albert, who found himself plagued with a fit of jealously.

Most scientists, you see, didn't really like it when others take the media's attention from them. Even the fact that James had been so thoughtful that he was designing the perfect house for his fiancé (also asking which colors she liked the most which then invoked the completely pointless and b**chy comment about how there was no color on the subatomic scale) could not quiet Einstein's discomfort towards the man. The fact that he could possibly match Einstein's IQ was enough reason to not like the man to be his niece's fiancé. Being the naturally overly controlling uncle that he was, he was not going to let his niece make her own choices, or even consult her parents, or indeed the groom himself, instead taking matters into his own hands. He needed to find someone that he approved of. Someone he could possibly manipulate.

It was one fine afternoon when Catherine and James were out for a pleasant drive. They were casually discussing their wedding and what they possibly do for their honeymoon, once they were wed. Suddenly, smoke started billowing from the car and James pulled aside.

"Of all the rotten luck," Cathy groaned, waving a hand in front of her face to keep the smoke out of her pretty eyes. James scanned the road and spotted a roadside car repair shop that was obviously rising out of the road, sticking out like a sore thumb, and quite hard to miss.

"Why don't we go to that very convenient car repair shop that seemed to appear out of nowhere?" James suggested, pointing to it with a slim finger.

"What repair shop?" Catherine asked, turning in the completely opposite direction. James stared at her for a long moment before hopping back into the car with her and slowly driving up to the parking lot where three men were already standing there with big stupid grins on their faces, as if they had been waiting for them all day.

The owner of the sweat-I mean repair shop, Rob Rosetti (we'll call him "Monk") turned to his employee, Ed Walters (which is a stupid name in itself, but still).

"I'll let you take this one, Ed," he told him. "That car looks simple enough for your small sized brain."

"I appreciate it boss!" Ed replied, saluting and slinging a towel over his shoulder before walking towards the obviously together couple. That's when he passed the sign that had conveniently been blocking his view from Catherine's face, and he suddenly got a good look at her. He almost skidded to a halt at the sight of her gorgeousness.

Catherine turned in a typical movie style slowness that made the wind billow through her short curls ("Shirley Temple" is what her family called her behind her back) and she smiled a beautiful smile at him, blinking with inhuman slowness. The sheer image of what one sees when they have just met their soul mate. Especially since there was no wind blowing at all.

Then Ed spotted the female's boyfriend. Huh, he's a lot smarter looking and more handsome than me, was the thought that ran through Ed's mind. I could never compete with that! But I have to! That's my soul mate he's sitting next to! We were made for each other, she and I! (1)

Determinedly, he pulled up his pants from where they had previously been at his ankles up to around his neck, and saumbered on over to the couple. Giving them a smile that really complimented his unappealing face and ugly personality, he put both hands on the front of the car and looked James in the eye, as if trying to get across the fact that he was very displeased with the fact that this smarter man had dared get with his future wife whose name he didn't even know yet. James gave him a pleasant smile, ignoring the bitterness behind the stare and decided to give the man the benefit of the doubt, though we all know he doesn't really deserve it.

"What seems to be the problem?" Ed asked him, though his eyes were locked on Catherine, whose eyes were not yet finished blinking from the previous slow "love at first sight" scene and were therefore half closed. She was still staring at the spot where Ed had previously been, her body not out of the whole cliché, and therefore giving everyone the impression that she was staring off into space.

"Our car seems to have some sort of malfunction," James replied, slightly distracted by the fact that Ed had his pants up so high, they were almost to his neck (though it makes one wonder how that is possible). With a shake of his head he added, "You know, if you couldn't tell by the fact that there's smoke billowing out of the front where the engine should be."

"Well let's take a look," Ed answered in one of those voices a plumber would use when looking at a pipeline in a house. He opened the hood and a family of squirrels, pigeons, hedgehogs, roosters, and a crocodile crawled out from underneath the engine and ran down the street, glad for the fresh air. James stared at the sight and turned to Catherine, who shrugged innocently.

"I thought they'd like it in there," she defended herself in an unusually high, squeaky voice that not even Christine Daae would have been able to hit. James opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Ed, who had stuck his entire upper half into the engine (that may or may not have still been running).

"Well here's yer problem," Ed told them, standing up straight and addressing James directly. "You've got no spark."

"Well I know the car's lost its spark," James replied, sighing. "It's obvious that-"

"No, I mean, you've got no spark," Ed repeated, leaning forward and looking James directly in the eye, his own dark eyes widening as if to empathize something. "And yer rods kind of short too."

"Oh no," Monk muttered to the other workman. "Ed's about to drive away another costumer."

"Oh come on, Jimmy!" Catherine giggled, not hearing the "veiled" insults at all. "The rod is too short!"

"When did you start calling me Jimmy?" James asked his fiancé in a confused voice, almost completely forgetting the insulting repair man, turning to her. She opened her mouth to speak, but was once again interrupted by Edrick "Mamma's Boy."

"Of course, when I say all that," he told them. "Everyone knows I'm really implying that yer sex life is completely dead. I mean it's obvious, even though I've never met you." James clenched his jaw, but said nothing as his hand formed a fist, wanting desperately to punch him in the face.

"And it's even worse since you're British," Ed continued. "Anyone who's British is obviously no good, especially in American movie portrayals. I mean, why do you have to be so British?"

James turned to Catherine for help, but she was staring longingly at Ed, as if all she wanted was to get into his pants (which would be hard, considering they were up so high) and wasn't listening to a word of the conversation. In fact, she was standing next to the man, running her hand on his chest, her face mere inches away from his, and her mouth and tongue hanging open in longing.

Sighing, he turned to look Ed straight in the eye. He wanted to get what he was about to say through to his no doubt smallish, closed mind.

"You know," he stated. "There's a much fancier and nicer car shop right across from here." He jammed his thumb over his shoulder to where the other repair shop had magically appeared. "I can easily take my car over to that one instead. Myself, my car, my money, and my fiancé." He empathized the last word by leaning forward slightly, his eyes widening.

"Wait! I was just joking!" Ed said hastily. "I didn't really mean it! We want your money! And your wife's hot!"

James stared at him with a blank expression for a long moment before turning back to the car, grabbing Catherine's arm as he went. "Ok, this time, we really are leaving," he announced.

"Wait!" "Wait!" Ed called, running after them and waving his arms like a crazy man.

(1) If you know me well enough, I do not believe in "Love at first sight", making this completely sarcastic!

I think I'll end the chapter there. I hope you enjoy reading it, as I enjoyed very much writing it. Especially with my friends quite literally right beside me as I type this. Remember, if you don't review, I don't write, so please review after you have accidently wet yourself laughing. I hope to have the next chapter up soon. Especially since my best friend has threatened to kill me if I don't finish this story. So read and review.