Proper Paranoia
Ch1: This is how the world ends
I slept through the end of the Wizarding World, hell I went to work the next day. Walking in to the men's room stalls that were secretly the passage into the Ministry Great Hall it looked like the start of a normal week, or as normal a work week as you can get when you get flushed to work every day. The line was as long as usual and the incandescent lights were particularly harsh to my still slightly hung over brain, Id been drinking the night before and I had yet to take the potion that would help, said potion being the scotch I kept in a flask hidden in the folds of my robe. I took a quick look at myself in the bathroom mirror making sure I didn't look too bad, as a department head should always look professional. The work robe hid my slightly rounded frame rather well and were it not for the somewhat sunken quality to my eyes and the fact that my cheeks were slightly more flushed then usual it might have even made me look good. I had at least managed to get my usually messy and long black hair cut before the drinking started so combing it wasn't so hard with a pounding headache, Dear Lord I'd thought to my self as I entered the stall Get yourself together man you've been drinking since Moody's funeral it's got to stop sometime on mounting the toilet I took a swig from my flask as a response to that line of thinking. Yea take that my superego I thought as the gentle burn of the amber liquid began to quell my headache your out voted and I pulled the flush chord.
The Ministry of Magic headquarters, the vast underground complex where the magical people of the United Kingdom were governed with varying degrees of competence, yawned before me in the usual grandeur and I sighed as I carefully hid my flask again. I'm Johnathan Faustus in case your wondering, head of the Department of Magical Engineering and Enchanting at the Ministry of Magic, which is an overblown way of saying I'm basically the head of this place's Magical IT department. That's right I'm a great big magical nerd, in fact I'm the Alpha great big magical nerd in these parts. Me and a team of about 20 other wizards keep this place running and keep it's employees updated with the latest magical tech, basically we're Niven's Corollary in action. As I began walking toward my office I was inundated with the usual swarm of papers flying towards me, complaints and suggestions mostly, as usual, a notice that one of my team leaders was out with something called "the hurumps" from St. Mundungo's, and a notice that there would be a general conference in 5 minutes in front of the new fountain. That's strange I mused to myself as I made my way over I hadn't even realized they'd replaced the old one... looking down I noticed that the memo was signed By Order of Pius Thicknesse Minister of Magic. "the hell?" I mumbled, my scotch soaked brain taking a minute to process that information, The only way Scrimgeour stops being minister at such short notice is if he... I spat out an acid curse and stopped in my tracks. The Minister was dead, and I found it kind of unlikely that it was from a heart attack. I started to whip my half drunk half hungover brain into gear, the minister was dead, but the ministry was still functioning, hell looking around I couldn't see any sign of struggle and I knew the Minister, Rufus would go down in a big bloody mess. So it was done quietly, but what did You Know Who gain from the death of the Minister? Well confusion I suppose, scare your enemy, let them know that no one is safe. Yes that seemed likely, but then wouldn't you want a big show of it, do something like hang his body from Big Ben of mail his head to the Daily Prophet unless... During my revery I had started walking again and heard the speech coming from the head of a large gathering near the new fountain "And you should all know that my new branch of law enforcement will look into the activities surrounding the late Minister's death and those involved will be questioned and brought to justice". Uh oh, new branch of law enforcement does not sound good, I peaked over the crowd and saw the new Minister in his tailored robe and trimmed beard beaming into the crowd, he was flanked by a big burly looking man I recognized by reputation as Yaxely, and a short stout toad looking woman with curly blonde hair and flat nose decked out in a pink cardigan beaming out at the crowd. I narrowed my eyes upon seeing her, Dolores Umbridge and I had never been friends, in fact it's safe to say that the Fascist bitch and I hated each other, and her up there next to Yaxely, a fellow who my pickled brain just remembered was a suspected death eater could only mean... I got a look at the Minister again and saw a somewhat glazed passive look too his eyes. Crap I thought, finally putting the pieces together, I had been thinking too short term "you clever bastard" I murmured to myself, If Voldemort had gotten to the Minister of Magic of course he wouldn't just kill him and put his head on a pike, not when he could just as easily put a proxy in his place. The Dark Lord had essentially just taken over the Ministry I realized, crestfallen, and that meant things were... about to get a lot worse. I refused to entertain the thought of loss, that would get me nowhere, I just needed to figure out a next step. As I was scanning the area I caught Umbridge looking in my direction, Double Crap, I turned around and tried to make my way to the closest Floo Grate but I noticed a couple of spiffy looking fellows making there way towards me, flashing badges and smiling politely, Triple Crap.
An old peg legged one eyed curmudgeon of a man once told me over a barrel of aged whiskey "Constant Vigilance, remember that and you'll live forever". It was the first of many lessons the sour old cuss taught me over the years and I took it to heart. Another one was "Always enter an area assuming your going to have to escape" and I silently praised the old bastard's sainted memory for his common sense as I grabbed the two glass orbs for the inside of my robe and slowly brought them out. I waited for the black shirts to get close to me, held up my hands as if in supplication, and smashed the little balls on to the ground in front of me, causing the area to fill with red smoke for five feet up and across. I was unaffected but the flunkies suddenly forgot where they were and what they were doing. "STOP HIM!' shrilled a voice behind me as I made my way to the slowly closing floo grates. One got in front of me but I grabbed my wand (Ash 14 inches with a dragon heartstring core in case your wondering) and layed him out with a shout of "Stupify!" I then pointed at one of the lowering grates and shouted "Geolevitas!" and a thick pillar of rock stopped it from lowering all the way, I jumped in to the fireplace and aparated the hell out of there feeling way too vindicated.
{A/N: Hello all, I'm a long time fan fiction reader but this is the first fic I've written I actually liked enough to publish and I hope you like it as much as I is hopefully the first chapter to a longer story so reviews and constructive criticism are both welcomed and encouraged! Hopefully this should update once a week if all goes well!}