Fissures
Summary: Even a mask meticulously made has its imperfections. In which others look beyond what only the eye can see.
Warnings: Language, sort-of minor spoilers for recent chapters, not beta-ed
Disclaimer: All material belongs to the rightful owners. In other words, not me. I only came up with the words.
…
"Have you ever truly regretted anything?"
The question took him by surprise- it was very forward and personal for someone he had only recently met. Her pretty, dark purple eyes looked at him in quiet questioning as her query was followed by nothing but silence. He kept his face carefully blank, void of the surprise and dread that arose from the innocent inquiry.
Regret. The simple word plagued his very being. His birth was a mistake, an abomination, as he had been told throughout his life. The sins he had committed against humanity could not be forgotten either. Mana… could you ever forgive me?
"Don't they always say 'live life with no regrets'?" Allen quickly pulled from his contemplative silence and conjured a cheery smile to accompany his answer as he turned to Lenalee. She frowned slightly, recognizing the obvious attempt at evasion. When she failed to respond, Allen went on, "Why do you ask?"
…
It was nothing he had not heard before, but nonetheless, it gave Lavi a bit more insight to the mystery of the main character in this tragedy.
The thing about Allen Walker is that the kid never really talks about things done and gone. The past is nothing but history to him, and a secret history at that (he may have made a very good Bookman yet). The difference between the two of them was very distinguishable though. Allen felt for humanity, whereas Lavi, well, he stopped feeling quite a while ago. These people Lavi knew now were just characters in this chapter of history.
So when Allen opened up for one of the first times ever, Lavi took the opportunity to fill in the background information for this story's lead.
"His name was Narein. He… was my first friend."
"Was?"
"Well, he is dead now."
After a particularly saddening mission in which innocent's lives were sacrificed, Allen told the group of his childhood friend, a tale of misfortune among friends and a true show of evil from this era's villain. It was nothing Lavi had not heard before. No, the interesting part was not the story, but those eyes. Those sad, sad eyes.
The look in those bottomless grey eyes said there was much more to this Allen Walker character than the chilling stories of his childhood to the amazing reports of his fights against the Earl and his family. Lavi could only wander how Allen's particular story would end. He hoped for a happy –ever-after.
…
Allen could tell the children were disgruntled. He could relate; the situation was unfair. But it really wasn't that these orphans weren't as special as Timothy or not needed. They would just never understand the weight of the responsibility the new exorcist would have to take on.
He heard their grumblings and saw their jealous glances. Allen was an orphan once, too. He knew the feeling: the feeling of not being loved, not having a place to belong and feeling absolutely and completely worthless. The difference, though, was that these children had a chance he never did.
"Once upon a time, there was a boy who wasn't loved by anyone." At Allen's seemingly random start, the orphans' heads turned slightly, interested, though still distrusting.
"When he was born, he was a little disfigured so his parents decided they did not want him and threw him out on the street. The boy spent a lot of time alone, believing that he was truly worthless.
"One day, the boy met a clown while he was working at the circus. The clown was kind toward the boy and over time, they became close. The clown accepted the boy as he would his own son. He taught the boy everything he knew and never to give up.
"The boy grew up and learned to live on his own. Though they are not together anymore, they both knew that the other would always love them."
Allen glanced around that the orphans who now were paying full attention, some smiling while others scowled and looked away as Allen met their gaze. "Don't be jealous of Timothy; he has a hard road ahead of him. You all will find that somebody who means everything to you. Now just isn't your time. Be patient, and keep moving forward. Someday it will pay off." Allen turned and headed toward the door where his companions were waiting outside.
As he reached the door, he felt a tug on the back of his coat. A girl stood there, boldly questioning, "The boy. Where is he now?" Allen smiled, a bittersweet smile, and replied,
"He's out proving to the world that he's not so worthless after all."
…
"I've… never seen him act like… like that before… I mean, I know things must be so hard for him right now and I can't even imagine everything he's dealing with right now but really he just seems so… so different, you know? He actually yelled at us. And cursed! I honestly can't believe it was Allen Walker who said all of that-"
"SHUT UP!" Kanda had just about had enough of that scientist's stupid rambling.
"K-Kanda..?" Johnny snuck a peak over at the tall exorcist whose eyes were tightly shut, index finger and thumb closed over the bridge of his nose in obvious annoyance.
"You idiots never really understood him, did you? You sit there, calling him your friend saying you'll be there for him and all that shit. Do you even fucking know him? I don't even like him but I sure as hell know him better than any of you!" At Kanda's angry outburst, Johnny started, wide-eyed and shocked. It wasn't abnormal for Kanda to yell-in fact that was completely and utterly normal-but for him to almost defend Allen… that was certainly strange.
"What do you mea-?"
"You believe that gentlemanly act, but it's nothing but that: an act." At Johnny's confused look, Kanda scoffed and looked away. "Look harder. What you saw today is the Allen Walker that truly exists behind that stupid, fake smile of his." With an almost disappointed look on his scowling face, Kanda exited and left Johnny to his thoughts.
In the coming weeks, Johnny watched Allen. All he'd heard from Kanda, in the small moments between conversations, in the times in which he thought no one was looking, it was true. Johnny could see the broken man he'd been missing all along.
…
The lines blurred from time to time. The mask, once so concrete, started to change. Sometimes, it is just hard to tell what is real, and what isn't.
An orphan. An exorcist. A cast-off. A friend. An annoyance. A gentleman. A pawn. A destroyer. A savior.
Even he doesn't know anymore.