I had scrapped this from my Mandy Milkovich character study, but kept coming back to it and this is the end result. I ship their friendship really hard. It's my lifeblood.

these hearts adore

Mandy is pissed. She's watching Ian from across the club and wondering why she always lets him talk her into coming to this place with him, especially since he's been a dick about it lately. And the conversation she's having with this drag queen isn't helping. The bitch had cornered Mandy in the bathroom and demanded she help 'tuck' her shit in between her legs with duct tape, and then dragged Mandy back to her table and began talking her ear off. She wasn't really listening, her eyes finding Ian as he laughed and drank and got felt up by old guys. And that was making her more annoyed. She'd never understand his thing with older men. The whole fuck fest screamed 'daddy issues' but she wasn't even gonna touch that. Bringing that up with Ian would just open a can of shit all over her own head because of Terry and the baby and the whole shit show that had followed.

Still, she only came with him to this damn place because Ian said he had missed her and wanted to spend time with her and wanted to dance and forget and all this bullshit that made her heart hurt for him. And she missed him too. They really only ever saw each other at school now and that was, well, shitty. He was her best friend. They used to be together for everything and she missed him always being next to her. Whatever she had going on with Lip was on hold because Karen Jackson was about to pop and Ian had been swept up in this closeted guy, but that was over now too. She knew this guy was kind of a big deal to Ian because she's never seen him lose his shit quite like this over anyone else. But night after night, since Ian had kicked mystery guy to the curb and began dragging her with him to this club where it was all dick all the time, it's always her being left alone as he works the room, and finds someone to go home with, while she sits there like a fucking idiot. At least tonight was different. She saw someone's dick, even if it was attached to a hot mess in heels and a shorter skirt than Mandy's.

Mandy lets the drag queen, who introduced herself as Anna Rexia when she handed Mandy the roll of duct tape in the bathroom, buy her a drink. When the drink comes, Mandy tosses it back, her fourth of the night, and listens half heartedly as the bitch next to her inspects Mandy's nails and tells her that black might just not be the right color for her.

"I mean, I know it's classic and edgy and a little mysterious for a girl, but if I know one thing, it's that neons go a long way."

Mandy takes her hand back. "I like black. It matches my lungs and my soul."

"Oh, we got a live one." The drag queen smiles at her, and starts playing around with tendrils of Mandy's hair, saying she must pay a shit ton of money to get her color just right.

She watches Ian accept a drink from some grey haired asshole and he flashes this pretty smile and Mandy can't help it anymore. She feels her annoyance at this whole night fill her chest and without another thought in her head, besides getting the fuck out of there, she stands. Anna Rexia grabs her hand and scribbles some numbers on it in eyeliner and tells her to call her the next time she's gonna party. Mandy hears "Work that ass, girl," as she makes her way through the mass of grinding bodies and over to Ian.

She muscles her way in between some twinks and bearded, tattooed freaks and sees one of them running their hand up and down Ian's back and she just feels so annoyed and angry. She leans across to Ian and says, "I'm leaving." She sees his face freeze for a second, before she turns and makes her way to the door. She hears her name being called, but once Mandy gets out of air that smells like sweat and smoke and something sickly sweet, her head feels a bit better.

She feels someone grab her hand and she turns to see Ian standing behind her, frowning.

"What's wrong?"

Mandy just stares at him. "Are you fucking serious?"

He just shrugs at her and Mandy shakes her head, getting fed up all over again.

"I thought we were having a good time." He looks so sincere and confused, but Mandy's temper and the alcohol are getting the better of her.

"You. You were having a good time. I was sitting there with my thumb up my ass and helping some drag queen hide her dick with duct tape."

They were starting to get some looks from the people in line by the door and Ian was saying "What the fuck?" but Mandy ignored all of it.

"If all you wanted was to come here scouting for some dick, you could have told me that to save me the headache."

One of the guys Mandy had seen hanging around Ian all night came outside and whistled at him. They both turned to him as he said, "We doin' this or what Ian?"

Mandy locked eyes with Ian and sighed angrily, "I'll see you later." And she turned around in the direction of the El.

As she walked, she hugged her arms around herself when she felt the chill in the night air. She heard running footsteps behind her and then Ian was next to her. He tried to put his arm around her shoulders, but she was still annoyed, so she shook him off. He shook his head and crossed his arms too. Mandy almost snorted. Weren't they a pair?

When they get on the train, he sits by a window, and she knows the open seat next to him is for her, but just to spite him, she sits further up in the car. At the next stop, some homeless asshole gets on and sits next to her and starts making a jerking off motion with his hand and before she can tell him to fuck off, hands are grabbing him and pulling him up out of the seat. Mandy watches as Ian pushes the guy further down the train, saying, "Move on, douchebag." Ian throws himself into the seat next to Mandy and she glares at him.

"I could have handled that." She reaches in her jacket for her cigarettes and a lighter.

Ian snorts. "You're welcome."

"You're welcome." She mimics in a high voice that sounds nothing like him. Ian rolls his eyes at her and then they sit there in silence.

At the stop closest to Ian's house, they get off and walk in silence. Up in his room, they find Carl playing around with a couple of kitchen knives and is in the middle of slicing the shit out of some Barbie dolls Mandy knows most likely belong to Debbie.

"God," Mandy wrinkles her nose as she looks around the room. "It smells like ass in here. Crack a fucking window."

Ian glares at her. "Out," he says to Carl, who flips both of them off and says some shit about Ian wrapping it twice if he has sex with her, before slamming the door.

Mandy laughs tiredly and shakes her head, watching as Ian sits down on his bed. "You haven't even come out to your family." She says it quietly and Ian looks down at his shoes.

"What the fuck is your problem tonight?"

She lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. "If I wanted to be ignored, I would have stayed home."

Ian snorts and she can see he's now just as fed up with her as she is with him. "Why do that when you can just go out with one of the hundreds of guys you've already fucked around with? They ignore you all the time."

She sneers and flicks her cigarette at him. "At least then, maybe, I would have gotten some sex out of it."

Ian laughs and shakes his head. "So it's okay for you to go slutting around, but when I do it-"

Mandy walks over to him and punches his shoulder. "It is okay for me. And it's okay for you too, if you weren't doing it for all the wrong goddamn reasons." Ian snorts again so Mandy punches him again.

"Jesus, fucking stop." Ian glares at her and rubs his shoulder. "You know nothing about my reasons."

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do."

"No-" Ian kicks his shoes off angrily and shakes his head. "We can go all night like this."

Mandy kicks her heels off next to his sneakers and takes her place next to him on his bed. Ian reaches over and snags a bag of weed from under his pillow and starts rolling a joint. She offers him her lighter and they start passing the joint back and forth.

"I do know why you keep going back there."

Ian sighs and lays his head back against the wall. "Fine. I give. Why?"

"Because you just broke up with someone. And a few days ago you said the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, which is really fucking stupid because in your case, it's multiple someones." She lightly kicks her feet against his. "But you're better than that."

"No, I'm not."

Mandy snorts. What is it with these fucking Gallaghers and their fucked up views of themselves? "Yes, you are."

"No, I'm not!" Ian's voice raised and he sounds so firm and serious, all Mandy can do is blink at him.

"Why?"

Ian just shakes his head. "Because. I'm not."

Again. Ian is being really fucking stupid.

They finish the joint in silence and start another one and soon, Mandy's slumped against his shoulder and Ian is tracing the outline of her fingers and everything in her sight is turning kind of fuzzy. Her legs next to Ian's feel heavy and his touch on her fingers makes her smile and she wants to tell him all of the crap that's been running through her head.

"Ian, you're one of the best people I know," Mandy starts but Ian makes an annoyed sound.

"You're high."

"So are you. Shut up and listen to me," she turns her head and rests her chin on his shoulder so she can see his profile. "You're one of the best people I know. And doing shit like this, fucking around with a lot of guys whose names you don't know, or don't want to know or can't remember…" she trails off when Ian leans his head against hers. "Trust me. It hurts. Maybe not right now and maybe not for a while. But it will. And it's not worth it."

Ian's quiet for a long time and the two of them just sit there.

"Mandy…" He looks like he's fighting with himself and then he takes a long drag from the joint, blowing the smoke out of his nose slowly. She stays quiet. "Has any one of those guys ever told you that you were nothing but a warm mouth to them?"

He looks so guarded and haunted in a way she's never seen Ian look before, and something in her chest catches. "Who said that to you?"

He shakes his head. "Just… a guy."

"A guy from tonight?"

"No."

"Ian." He turns and meets her eyes. "Do I need to kick someone's ass?"

He smiles gently at her. "No. He's not even around anymore."

"Was it that guy you kinda told me about?"

"Yeah," Ian nods.

And then it fucking hits her like a slap in the face. How sad he's been for the last few weeks, all the trips to that damn club, all the one night stands with guys she knows he doesn't give a shit about. Ian must have had more than just a hard-on for this guy if some cheap shot like that was able to completely wreck him. Her heart hurts for him because this is shit and Mandy knows how it feels. She recognizes it in him because she's seen it in herself. Fucking self-fulfilling prophecies.

"Was that why you broke up with him?"

"No. That's why he broke up with me." He lays his head back against the wall. "There was other shit too but… that part just stuck the most."

Why hadn't he told her any of this? She knew he couldn't tell her everything about this guy, he was in the closet, but fuck all that. Ian looks so sad and broken over this whole mess but Mandy has no idea what to do, what to say to make him understand and see that he's so much more than any of that shit. Mandy laces her fingers with his and squeezes his hand and tries anyway.

"I love you." She knows it's a poor substitute, but at the same time, that's all she has to give him.

He squeezes her hand. "I love you too."

Their eyes meet and she watches as Ian slowly leans his head closer to hers and their lips touch. Her eyes close and she lets him kiss her. It's soft and warm and it makes her sad. When he pulls away, they lean their foreheads against each other and she hears Ian sigh.

"It would be so much easier…" he trails off and she knows exactly what he means. It would be so much easier if it were just the two of them. If Ian was straight and if the two of them weren't so messed up by all of their own shit, she knew they would have no problems making something work. If saying 'I love you' to each other meant all the bullshit it should, like the beginning of something other than what the two of them were. She knew they could fall seamlessly together, just like their friendship had. It would be so easy for them because in a lot of ways they were two parts of a whole. They understood each other and she knew they always would. They had each other's backs and she felt safe with him in a way she's never felt safe before. She knew all of that and some part of her wanted it, ached for it.

She just nods against his face, her throat closing tightly, and Ian reaches up and cups her cheek.

"Why can't we then?" His voice is soft and she's sees a little desperation in his eyes. "Why can't we just… just lock up all the shit that doesn't matter? The shit that hurts and makes us feel like we don't matter? Because we matter to each other, right Mandy?"

Her eyes close and her chest feels so tight it's hard to breathe. She nods again, unable to express in words how just how much he matters to her. And she would if she could. She would lock up the hurt that her family and her dad have caused inside of her and she would lock up what's hurting Ian because he doesn't deserve it. Her hands reach up to his face and they just hold each other for a while.

"We could do this." He sounds so sure and sincere and like the idiot she is, she wants to believe him. But.

"We can't."

"Why?"

"We'd be each other's substitutes."

"Mandy…"

She grips his hands in hers and locks her eyes with his. "And because all of that shit that we'd lock up, all of the shit and the hurt…" she shakes her head. "No matter what we tried, Ian," she pauses and they lean their foreheads against each other again. "No matter what we do, we'll always unlock it and let it out. We'd always want to, so we'd always find a way. Those things are a part of us, some of the most important parts."

Their foreheads remain touching and Ian sighs and his shoulders slump. After a while, he sort of nods and she hugs him closer. They stay like that for a while and she smiles when Ian says quietly in her ear, "I'd take care of you. Just so you know."

He doesn't need to convince her. She's known that for a long time now. She closes her eyes and she can picture him, before either of them were this broken, smiling at her on a swing and reaching across to hold her hand and she says quietly back to him, "I'd take care of you too."

Later, she changed out of her skirt and into a pair of Ian's boxers and he's kicked off his jeans and the two of them are lying side by side in his bed. Their hands are clasped together and they're talking about what a life with just the two of them would look like. Just for that night, they can pretend. Because it's what he needs and it's all she can give him.

In the morning, Mandy slowly wakes up and feels Ian behind her, spooning her, his arm loose around her waist and their legs tangled up together. She felt Ian stretching a little, and she knew he was awake.

"If you're hard, I swear to God…" her voice was scratchy and sleepy and she turns into his pillow.

She hears him laugh and his arm tightens around her waist. "It's not because of you, trust me. Your ass is too boney for me."

She laughs and kicks him and while she knows neither of them will ever really forget what happened last night, she knows they're closer to each other because of it.

She flips on to her back and turns to look at him, but his face rears back and he frowns at her for a second before saying, "You have a dick on your face."

But Mandy's looking and frowning at him the same way. "So do you."

They lay there for another second before they shoot out of bed and run to the bathroom. They stand next to each other as they look at the dicks that had been drawn on to their cheeks with sharpie while they'd been asleep.

"I'm gonna fucking kill Carl." Ian's shaking his head and rubbing at his face with a wet towel and cursing Carl when it doesn't come off and Mandy can't help it and starts laughing. Ian soon joins her and when they go down to breakfast with his family, Ian drags Carl in to a headlock and Mandy gives the finger to all of them for saying shit like, "Having a dick on your face shouldn't be anything new."

Ian pours their cereal, adding a few of his marshmallows to Mandy's bowl, and she pours their coffee, adding milk and a little sugar to his cup. And it's so seamless and so familiar. Mandy has to breathe deeply to keep herself from going back to the place, to last night, and all of the things they said to each other. She adores him and he adores her, and they're best friends. As it should be.

He grabs her hand when they sit down at the table and she smiles at him.

Thank you for reading!