Introduction: So, after months of researching how to access the deep dark web, I finally broke in. I did it for the lols. I was expecting to find a hit man, or even just some weed, but all I found was this. Go figure. Upon reading it, however, I discovered why it had been left there. I decided to post it to this site for your amusement and entertainment. I even added an appropriate title, which I found it lacking. Whether the story is real or not, is far beyond me. All I can tell you is that this is sure to be the best thing you'll read today.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or places, and I do not claim to be any real person represented in this story. Also, be sure to read up on your HP fanfics before reading this!
Harry Potter and the Fan-Fiction Fiasco
AN: Hello Friends! It's me again, Proud Housewife, with a new account. I'm soooo happy to be back, spreading the word of the lord! Many of you judgmental types may be jumping to conclusions right now based on my last story, and thinking that I'm disobeying the hubby by writing this, but heaven forbid a righteousness-loving christian such as myself would ever do such a thing! After all, Revelations 17:5, am I right? My husband and I decided it would be best for all the mommies with little ones out there if I wrote one more story. What brought about this most welcome change, you may ask? Well, I met one little one today online who also put up fan fiction on this site, and also wrote about Harry Potter in her own special way! I know, what are the odds? Truly, the lord guides us all! I thought it best to write this story with her, to spread the lord's gospel to new areas of fan fiction all across the inter webs! Hopefully, by the end of our little tale, I will have made a believer out of her, and all of her fans as well. Enjoy, future believers!
After defeating the heathen Voldemort, who turned out to just be an internet troll, and we must always feel sorry for those who have nothing in their lives but hate, Harry and his friends went into the Great Hall for supper anticipatedly. The Reverend Dumbledore got down on his knees holily before the entire hall, raising his hands to the sky, and shouted, "Dear lord, in honor of our defeat of the deceptive depravity that is Reddit users, please grant us a feast of hot fresh bread with butter side up, two servings of salmon, a goblet of pumpkin juice, four pieces of turkey for boys and two for ladies who all must watch their figure for their future husbands, six plates of chocolate cake per table, and a glass of water to wash it all down!" Harry witnessed the entire hall come to life with a gracious meal, beautiful dishes up the task and luscious food to pile on top, and smiled knowledgeably. Truly, this was a holy man. Hermione began to cry admiringly. "We did it harry!" she exclaimed excitedly. "we did it!" she began to hug his arm as she wept onto his shoulder appreciatively. Harry pet her head affectionately. He now knew the true value of feminine companionship. But after all, intimacy was a long way away for this little one! If you were thinking of that, you probably also think religion is stupid, and evolution is right. But friends, what sort of life is there without the lord? Why do you choose hell over heaven, hmm? That's what I thought.
As Harry, Draco, Dean Thomas, and Hagrid sat down with Mr. Snape at the Gryffindor hat table, and Mr. Snape's mat of chest hair stood thick and proud, Ronald came over and knelt before harry repentantly. "Please, can I become a Gryffindor hat? I see now that the word of the lord is more important that anything. Righteousness is better than sin." Harry smiled friendlily. He knew that Ronald had found the true path of the lord now. He instructed Ronald to say the sinner's prayer, which he did, and all of a sudden, a Gryffindor hat popped onto Ronald's head, leaving his old Slytherin cap lying on the floor where it belonged.
Ronald cried respectfully. "Thank you! I now am a part of something big and special, just like all of you!" Everyone, even the reverend and his wife, grinned knowingly. Sometimes, it takes a newcomer for us to appreciate our blessings in life. After all, Revelations 12:9 says it all!
AN: and speaking of newcomers, my new friend is about to log on and write her contribution to the story from her own little version of fort parsons! I'll set up her new character, and then let's all give this sweet, charming, shining little one our fullest and bestest attention!
Hagrid got up just as the meal was resonating welcomely in everyone's bellies. He clinked his glass politely to make an announcement. "Excuse me, everyone, but I'd like to introduce to you all a very special new student." He gestured to the back as a new little female strode in proudfully. "Only she isn't just a Hogwarts student…"
AN: Here she is! Everyone say how-de-do to my new best friend….. Tara!
"SHE'S A SATANITS!"
AN: OMFG dis is such a prep stry!1 dis u shud flamm!111 its me, TARA, wif a new accont, xxxbloodygoth666MCRrox3gerardway666xxx!111!11 big fangz (geddit cuz im goffik) 2 raven 4 da stry. fukk of h8er ppl111!111 giv me god reviows!11111!
Evry1 turnd 2 luk at da nu gurl. She wuz wearing a TONS of blak eyeshadow wif blak lipstick an wite foundation. She had 6 pairs of skul earnings. She wore blak corset stuff on a lace dress with ripped fishnets and black combat boots with metal tips and high heels and spurz an everfing. Her corset showed of her bewbs an sed "BGR666" on it. she also had skul earnings and red lipstick an stuff. ppl stared so she showd dem her middle finger.
"Hi my name is Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven BELLA Way (AN: TWilit if aweme. if u dnot fink so ur a prep so fukk off!111
"Vampire, Draco, y ru all fukkin prepz1? i asked
"No ebovy!" abrupted draco gothically, "its not wat it fuking looks like!1
but it was 2 late, i ran outside the grate hall cring. i went 2 da dormitory an i cried under my blak invincibility coke and slit muh rists (c, dis str needs 2 b deprezzin- 4 da rel goffs!)
I put on blak fishnets with a red corset over a ripped black t-shirt an high heeled boots. i put my hair up in a messy bun but since it was messy anyway (geddit like gerard) i didnt. i wore white foundation with (get redy) RED eyeshadow and BLAK lipstik (c, she duzzent were the same thing, she isn't a mary sue, shut up and lik muh story)
then i heard a knock on the door! it wuz… Darko!1
"hi ebony I said."
hi she said."
he looked so hot and sexah and i could tell he was bi because he liked vampire but now he liked me insted so its fine. he looked just like gerard way pentagrammed (geddit cuz i like s8an) if joel madden (if u dnot think they r hot den get out off her!1) and i could tell his you know what was big, like da leening tower of pizza (i got 2 c itly sins last tim i rote- it roux!) and i cudnt stop myself from jumping on him and italying (geddit, like frenching) passively and all hot and stuff. He was so good and bad and goffik that i almost had an orgy! then… we had SEXXX! (c now dis stry isn't preppy anymoe. it's lik amy lee insted ov Hilary duff that fukkn bich LOL(
AN: I'm back online! And oh my goodness, it seems this little one is proving to be more influenced by fornicating drug addicted evolutionists than I thought! Well, here are my thoughts on how her story, and all her fans, can still be saved! thank you lord for this wonderful opportunity!
BUT then Ebony that she was a man's future wife, and abstinence, after all, was the key to happiness. "I'm sorry," she retorted politely, before things got past a friendly peck on the cheek, "but intimacy is for married adults, who consort with the consent of the lord!" she proclaimed knowledgeably. Draco was in awe. Truly this girl was too special to be a Slytherin hat any longer. He got down on his knees and prayed. "Dear Lord, please make Ebony… a Gryffindor hat!"
As Ebony felt a Gryffindor hat fall to her head, and a cross necklace appear on her modestly covered bosom, she introspected reasonably that if God created all, and Satan only stands for hate and sin, that it wouldn't make much sense at all to follow satan to hell, now would it? after all, it is the righteous deeds of true christianity that lead a man and his wife to their eternal reward in heaven! all religions of the world try to get there, but they can be silly and get confused sometimes, and loose track of what's really important— following the true word of the lord.
"I love the lord!" she exposited cathartically, as she began to cry femininely on Draco's shoulder. she was glad she had a manly saint such as him to guide her to the light.
FUCK NO Ebony and drako hAD SEX ANd then…. SATAN APEARATEDD!1111111
(c is dat preppy)
NO, it was… Jesus Christ, our lord and savior!
NOOO IT WUZ SATAN!11111111!1
Satan came in an sed: "Enoby i need ur hell (geddit) to stop Proud Housewife frum turning ever1 in2 prepz!"'
Enoby ran down the hall. i ran into Vampire whoo wiz turned in2 a prep. he wore skinny blu genes, a "i 3 Hilar Duff" t shit, an NO MAKEUP (cule guys wer it ok). I sed, "OMFG VAMPIRE YOU FUKKIN POSER PREP but then i remembered it wuz because housewife had did it 2 him. I asked how i cud get housewife 2 not b a prep an he sed wit sexx. I said O no an ran in2 my dormitory, cring an slitting my rist so i cud drink da blood. den der wiz a nok at da door. it was…. Albert Dumblydork!
Dumbeldoor came inside an sed "ebony u ned 2 do dis." but i sed no an ran into da forest were drago took my virility. den… Proud housewife cum in an she turnd in2…
TAiLER SWIF!1111!11 she wiz wearing pink tite shirt wif glitter on it an a mini skirt. she had blonde hair an everting kinda lik Tailer Swif in that muzic vid dat sukked. She had high heels an red lipstik an no foundation. It wuz….. Tayor Swif!
I wuz so mad and sad she turned all my goffik frenz in2 prepz. she sed "Oh My GoD Ebony I Lik SOO TOTally LUV PinK!" I freaked da fuk out an raised my womb an shooted angstfully "Abra Kedavra!"
But then, our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ came to calm Ebony out of her delusional rage. He calmly explained to her about the truth of the world, and how christianity is the path to righteousness. He introduced her to Proud Housewife, whose real name was Grace Ann, and not some drug addicted promiscuity advocating bimbo, and she helped teach Ebony where she belonged in the lord's good earth. "You see, Ebony," Jesus proclaimed inspiringly, "Man was put on this earth to serve the lord, and woman was put on this earth to serve man. You cannot go around becoming intimate with men who are not your husband, because you are your future husband's, see? You silly goose, I bet you thought that that doesn't matter, but it does. The same way you can't worship Satan. If the lord is the one who created us, why worship the one who rebelled against the lord? All these silly ideas and total malarky were put in your head by fornicating, drug addicted, homosexual loving, acceptance advocating evolutionists who want nothing to do with religion at all. Or, as an alternative, by the religions of the world who just want to worship in their own way, but in doing so pull people away from the true way of worship. I'm sure all these people mean well, but they cannot accept just whatever or whoever they want. Just as you cannot do whatever or whoever you want. There is only one path, and that is the path of the Lord!" he informed modestly.
Now, Ebony knew the true meaning of Revelations 17:8.
AN: Fukk of u prep bich quit h8ing on goffs! Tank Satan 4 not making me a u!111!11
AN: Now now, little Tara, there's no need to be rude. You just have to accept that you're a sinner, and that everything you believe is wrong. The only way you can ever truly be happy is to be converted.
AN: FUCK U PREP QUIT FLAMMIN DUH STURY
AN: …what does that even mean?
DEN… Jesus an satan… HAD SEX WITH Grace Ann!1111111 Dey rapped her an she like mcnuggets cuz she loooooved it!11111111 AND DOBBY WAS WATCHING!1111
"Take dat u fukkin bich" I shooted cuz im a sadist
an then the spell was brokken an ever1 went back 2 normal an we mudered all da posers an lived deprezsed ever after. D END
NO! NO! NO THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! NONE OF THIS HAPPENED!
YES iiT dID
NO! EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND CHRISTIAN AND
NO Dey WuZ S8TanisTs!1111!1!1!11!
STOP THAT! AND LEARN TO TYPE FOR THE LORD"S SAKE
fine u fukkin prep. dat didn't happn. insted ever1 (who id not a prep anymore, becuz Grace An wiz ded) turnd 2 look at da forest. A pale man wearing Goffik cloves from Hot Topic an also wearing a blak Bloody Gothic Rose 666 shirt and blak eyeliner an everfing and ripped blak pants if blake combat boots an blak hair flu 2 da front of da wudz. He luked so hot an sexah an kawaii an hew uz cuming 2 MEEE!11111 "Ebobby I luv u will u have sexx with me?" it was…. EdWard Collin— FROM TWILEK!1111
ever1 gasped but then dey stopped cuz we liked so cute 2getha. Den we had INMITASY!1111 AND JESUS WAS MASTICATING TO IT!111111
AN: THAT"S IT! YOUV'E CROSSED THE LINE! NO MORE MRS NICE HOUSEWIFE. THERE'S OFFENSIVE, THERE"S STUPID, THERE'S OFFENSIVELY STUPID, AND THEN THERE'S YOU. YOU COME HERE, CORRUPTING PREEXISTING CHARACTERS WITH YOUR OWN OFFENSIVE BELIEFS, I MEAN WHO WOULD DO THAT!?
AN: NO, iVE Pentagramed d liNE!1111 (geddit cuz im goffik)
AN: OH I GET IT ALL RIGHT. YOU ARE A SICK PERVERTED GAY BLACK JEWISH MUSLIM CATHOLIC REDDIT USING FORNICATING DRUG ADDICTED EVOLUTIONIST WHO SUPPORTS BIRTH CONTROL AND VACCINATIONS. OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT, A FEMINIST! YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN WANT A HUSBAND DO YOU!?
AN: turns out raven was forbicaning wif justin. he wiz just in her, not me, geddit? lol, fukkin bich. WILLOW U WIL DYE!11111 PLZ CUM BACK!1111
AN: You know what? Good for them. I'm done. I… I need to rethink my life. Congratulations Tara, you've done what no other user on this site has been able to do. You've broken me. I'm gone. Do whatever you want. Proud housewife is no more.
AN: TRY slitting ur rists, it helps. Dig dong, the bich is dead, the bich is ded, ding dang the wiked bich is ded!111!1111 i bet u was teem jacob anyway (lik gerard) btw i hav a new bf his name iz Tommy Wiseau (c i spelt dat) an he understamds me!111
den ever1 started to cheer. "U go tara an Edward! go hav sexxx on howzwives' body! an they did it bondage!1
den…. proffessor sinister an rumbrige started MAKING OUT passively.
Den Vampire made out wif Draco, Edward an me and willow an we had PENTAGRAM WAY SEXXXX!1111111 (AN: iv'e always wanted dis 2 happn! sins JK did not mak it in da movys she,s a homophone)
DEn ever1 came in an hAd sExXXX! it wuz a big orgasim!111 lik gerard, joel, billy joe, lumpkin, volfemort and da deth deelers, Diabololo, Lucian, hairgrid, cornelia fuck, mcgoggle, mr. norris and filth, snap an loopin, serious, snaketail, marty mcfli, B'loody Mary, Navel tom bombadil, an darth valer, an tom rid. We listened to MCR, Good Chralote, an Simple Pan. DEn we Heard " What the gell r us doing u MOTHERFUCKERS!111"
it wuz… DUMBODOR!
An den… HE JOINTED IN TWO!111111111 aN THEN Dey wer back in tim! and d—
AN: Hi everyone, It's Grace Ann again, I had to kick Tara off. Sorry about my outburst earlier. I realize now that Tara is too far gone to be saved. Unfortunately, some people are just like that in today's society. But when someone fails in this life, at least we can all rest assured he or she will burn in hell. Now, with that comforting note in mind, let's finish up this story, and bring home a clean, wholesome lesson for all the little ones reading this, before the heathen discovers how to log back on.
AND THEN the Holy Lord Himself Struck down Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Bella Way, and removed her nasty influence from his holy earth. He returned everyone to their normal, righteousness loving selves, and delivered his words of wisdom sagely and manfully.
"You see, my little ones, there are some people in the world who we cannot save. We must accept every religion for now, in the hopes that they will one day see the light, but we cannot always count on this. sometimes today's world gets too confusing. Sometimes people need a reminder. Just doing nice things and showing the grace of the lord is not enough. We must openly defame those who oppose my one true religion, Christianity. We must show the world that they are wrong and we are right. Even those who vary slightly from the path stray from it. There is no room for tolerance when it comes to sin. Shun the homosexual, subjugate the woman. It is the only way to keep the world in balance. This, my lambs, is my blessing to you. Go now, my sons and their future wives, go and preach. Preach on Reddit, on Facebook, on Tumblr. Debate religion in the chatrooms, the dating sites, the youtube comments section. Tweet of my grace and forward my chain emails. Go door to door with my message. Call up your friends, your cousins, and your friend's cousins. Even smelly Uncle Steve. Drive out the nonbelievers, bring in the newcomers. Take over pop culture, dominate the fan fiction sites. Only then, once all the world gratefully accepts our religion which they've known is right all along, only then may we all
FUK U BITCH IM BAK
oh lord no
YES BICH AN IM GONNA GO ALL HP ON YO ASS1111111 U FUKKIN PREPPY POSER BICK!11111111
what
I SED IM GONNA
SHUT THE FUCK UP BOTH OF YOU, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
…Excuse me!? Little one, you best watch
dat wuzznt me. u fink i speld dat?
OK, fair point. But if it wasn't you, and I sure didn't take the name of the lord in vain…
U meen lord SATAN?1111
…I'm going to ignore that… then who in sweet mercy was that?
AN: The name's Eliezer, and I'm hacking into your rather infantile attempt at imitation on behalf of all sane, reasonable, and dare I say RATIONAL fans of Harry Potter, and for that matter Fan Fiction itself. You see, let's talk about cannon for a moment. If you are using characters from a certain world, keep them in their realm. And if you are going to change something, make it be worth changing. This is called respect to the subject matter, something the two of you imbeciles clearly lack. Now, I've disabled your keyboards so you cannot interrupt me. Just sit back, and watch me wrap up BOTH your god awful disgraces to Rowling's masterpiece.
Suddenly, all the characters became aware of two separate entities living within themselves: the horribly written try-harding gothic persona and the sugar coated religiously intolerant persona. Additionally, each persona had a different recollection of their shared continuity. Harry "Vampire" Potter, being the reasonable man of science that he should have been this whole time, stood up amongst the utterly confused crowd of now only cannon characters, and announced he had an experiment to determine which persona each character should accept.
"My hypothesis is as follows: the persona within us that is dominant will react to stimuli that cause the brain to react using base instinct. We will record what personas each of us fall back on instinctively, and we will all accept the continuity that the majority of our subconsciouses favor." Everyone thought this was a rather brilliant way of using rational scientific methodology to solve this problem, so they all agreed. One by one, each person was tested by being surprised by various visuals, sensations, and sounds. Harry recorded all the data, and was extremely frustrated with the results.
"These responses do not match up with either continuity!" This simply could not be, as the tests were calibrated to procure very specific results that would signify only one continuity or the other. He paced back and forth, until he had an idea. Perhaps, neither continuity was correct, but rather they were both falsified representations of the true continuity. He verified this hypothesis by calculating the percentage of accuracy each "representative" continuity in predicting the outcome of his experiment. Upon realizing how blasphemous these butcheries were to the original state of his universe, Harry began to see the bearings of reality and rationality come back into play, as the canonized universe regained its dominance over the story. He became Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. B'loody Mary became Hermione Granger, Diabolo became Ron Weasley, and so on and so forth (except for Draco, who somehow remained the same throughout this whole experience, go figure). No one mentioned a word about christianity or religious intolerance, which was a most welcome change. The only hats on peoples' heads were pointed wizard hats, and no one dressed in slutty gothic clothing that would take ages to describe.
The absolute best part? Proud Housewife descended to hell, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Bella Way ascended to heaven. Both were miserable for all eternity, and canonized continuity reigned supreme, yet remained open for all those with any manner of intelligence or respect at all to partake in and enjoy. The End.
AN: You're welcome, fellow patrons of this site with actual brains. And no, I won't end off with the traditional "Blessings!" or "Lik muh stry", but I will say this: If you can make a significant contribution to a fandom, and improve upon preexisting characters and events, go ahead and do it. Don't let anyone stop you, because writing your favorite characters even better than they were before is the greatest form of thanks you can give them. But if you're just messing around, or have nothing to offer, just stop. Otherwise I will find you, and I will make you go through the level of mental anguish that you inflict upon others. The truth is you insult us. Remember, this is an art form. Nothing less.