Disclaimer: All Harry Potter settings, situations, and characters belong to JK Rowling. Things I'll Never Say was written and performed by Avril Lavigne. Professor Whittington and the title The Sonnet of Silmaril is mine, but the lines from said sonnet were taken from the thirteenth-century poet Haffiz. I came across his poem in the book The Peacock Princess, by Sara Harris and Barbara Bell.
Author's Note: This is my first-ever songfic. Constructive criticism and words of praise are greatly appreciated, while flames and reviews along the lines of Eew, this sucks! Go to hell! will merely be laughed at. Enjoy ;-)
Cause I'm Feeling Nervous
by Blue Waffle
"You're late, Mr. Malfoy," Professor Whittington said sharply.
I turned to look at Draco, who had sauntered into the room ten minutes after Study of Ancient Ruins began. My heart skipped a beat, like it always did every time I saw him.
I'm tugging at my hair
"Sorry, Professor," he drawled, taking a seat next to Pansy Parkinson.
"Let us hope it will not happen again. Five points from Slytherin," said Whittington icily before resuming her discussion on runic literature. However, I couldn't concentrate--- I was too busy staring at Draco.
I'm pulling at my clothes
He muttered something to Crabbe, who was behind him, then ran a hand through his sleek blonde hair, the expression on his face one of complete disdain. For the millionth time, I wondered how someone so haughty could still manage to be so absolutely desirable.
And then he turned and looked straight at me.
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
Common sense screamed at me to look away, but I was powerless to move a single muscle under Draco's penetrating gaze. Our eyes held for several long seconds, before he smirked, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
Blushing furiously, I looked down at my notes. When I finally dared to glance at him again, he was talking to Pansy Parkinson, who was fluttering her eyelashes like a maniac. I wanted to kill her on the spot.
It was a crazy idea, I knew, for me, Hermione Granger, to have a crush on Draco Malfoy, of all people, but I couldn't help it. Ever since fourth year, I found myself noticing more than his irritating--- sometimes hurtful--- insults, and his snobbish, bratty attitude. I noticed how neat his hair was, the way he always placed his hand over it to keep it from getting all mussed up. I noticed how gorgeous his pale blue eyes were, how they darkened into a fascinating steely gray color when he was angry or annoyed. I noticed
"Miss Granger and Mister Malfoy."
"What?" I blurted out, my mind reeling.
I'm trying to find the words inside my head
"You've just been paired with Malfoy to translate the Sonnet of Silmaril," Harry whispered from behind me.
Oh my God
I'm feeling nervous
Chairs scraped against the floor as everyone took their places beside their partners. Willing myself to move, I stood up, gathered my books and parchment, and, with suddenly wooden legs, took the seat next to Draco--- the one previously occupied by Pansy, who didn't seem too happy about being paired with Neville. Ha! Take that, you shameless flirt!
Draco didn't give me time to gloat properly. "You had better not mess this up, Granger," he sneered.
"That's rich, coming from you," I shot back, marveling at my ability to think of a suitable retort when his nearness and that pepperminty scent of his was driving me crazy. "Do you even know what the Sonnet of Silmaril is?"
"Of course I do. Its original name is Eht Tonnes Fo Silmarae. It was written in the fifteenth century, by one Prince Silmaril, for his lady love, the peasant girl Kalliste," Draco recited, giving me a superior look.
"Ooh, ferret boy's done his homework, I'm impressed," I said sarcastically, leafing through my Ancient Runes textbook until I found the Sonnet of Silmaril. "Here, Malfoy, you translate the first seven lines, and I'll work on the rest."
"Why should I take orders from you, you filthy little Mudblood?"
It hurt. To be completely infatuated with someone who probably treated his house elves with more respect than he treated you, who called you the worst names imaginable To lose countless hours of sleep on that person, wishing you could tell him how you feel, knowing that wish could never come true It really, really hurt.
"Just do it, Malfoy," I said wearily, in a defeated sort of way.
He gave me a curious look. "Are you all right?"
"Why should you care?" I snapped, before bending over my book and scribbling ferociously on my piece of parchment. We worked in total silence, a stark contrast to the laughing, chatting pairs seated all around us--- well, maybe except for Pansy and Neville, and Ron and Crabbe. At the end of the period, we hadn't made much progress.
"This doesn't make any sense," Draco muttered, frowning down at his translation. "Life and nature frolicked to birth?"
Trying to be so perfect
I snatched the parchment from him, then studied it intently. "Malfoy," I said, rolling my eyes, "you missed several characters! This should be, Then love and nature sprang to birth. It's simple enough, honestly."
"You didn't do such hot work yourself, Miss Know-it-all," he snapped. "I mean, since when did veils flame on brows?"
"The rays of all-pervading grace are the things that flame on the brow, not the veil, you moron! Can't you understand simple English?"
"Not when it's translated by you."
Biggest crush or not, I almost strangled him out of sheer frustration. Luckily, Whittington called our attention, unintentionally saving Draco from a very slow and painful death.
"Class, this will be an assignment---" she was met with several groans--- "to be finished tonight and passed tomorrow. No exceptions. Have I made myself clear?"
Draco and I looked at each other, then at the three lines we had deciphered successfully. I took a careful, deep breath. "Look, we're stuck with this stupid homework, we might as well meet in the library after class and do it."
"Do it?" he repeated, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
The blood rushed to my cheeks, I could feel warmth spreading all over my face as I turned surely as red as a tomato. "The homework, Malfoy, the homework!"
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah
"Yeah, yeah, I knew that," he said carelessly, standing and picking up his things. The other students were already filing out of the classroom. He strolled over to Crabbe and Goyle, who were waiting for him near the door, but he had one parting shot left. Looking over his shoulder, he said loudly, "As if I'd ever be caught snogging a Mudblood, anyway!"
By golly, how I hated him.
And yet
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
Several hours later, my eyes were aching from squinting down at tiny lines of ancient characters and the even tinier text in the runic dictionary. I felt the almost irresistible urge to run out of the library, screaming at the top of my lungs.
Draco was poring over his book, an intense expression on his face, his lips pressed tightly together. I couldn't repress a small smile, he looked so cute when he was concentrating hard on something.
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down on one knee
"Has it occurred to you that we are the only ones left in the library?" I heard myself saying in a soft voice, one that I had never before assumed when I was around him.
He stopped writing and looked at me, a lock of blonde hair falling into his blue gray eyes. I resisted the temptation to reach out and brush it back across his forehead.
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
"Well, I hope that means we're going to get a high grade on this bloody thing," he drawled, but it was without his usual coldness. He sounded tired. Well, I couldn't blame him, since we had been working feverishly for hours, with only the light of several torches to guide us.
I nervously wet my lips. "I finished translating the last bit"
With these things I'll never say
"Let me see it," he said, reaching across the table and taking the parchment out of my hand. "Material belongings disappear from the world," he read. "Loving you is my only comfort That sounds really horrible, Granger."
It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
"You try translating it, then, if you're so clever," I snapped, glaring at him.
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
Draco picked up his quill in silent acceptance of my challenge, then bent his head and began scribbling. After several minutes had passed, he straightened up again. "I think I've got it, actually."
I raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Well, go ahead, make my day."
It ain't coming out and we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care
"With pleasure." He cleared his throat, then read the last eight lines. "In wild eternity's vast space, where no beginning was wert thou: The rays of all-pervading grace, beneath thy veil, flamed on thy brow. Then love and nature sprang to birth, and life and beauty filled the earth." He glanced at me to see if I was listening, an unreadable expression in his eyes. His voice suddenly turned softer, huskier, and it sent pleasant shivers down my spine when he read the last two lines. "The world's possessions fade and flee. The only good is loving thee."
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
The gentle glow of the torchlight shone on him, softening his sharp, aristocratic features, adding a tinge of warm gold to his silvery eyes. His voice was like an intimate caress.
He looked and sounded so much like a prince reciting a poem to his one true love.
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah
Draco leaned back against his chair and ran a hand through his platinum blonde hair, now golden in the torchlight. "That's much better, don't you think?" he asked with that smug smirk I had once found so annoying.
And suddenly I knew I had to get away from him. I had to get out of the library before I fell any harder for Draco Malfoy than I already had.
If I could say what I want to say
I abruptly stood up, and started gathering my things. He looked at me, bewildered. "Did I say something wrong?"
I'd say I want to blow you away
"No, not at all," I said hastily, shoving my books into my bag. "It's just that... well, it's getting really late, and I should be going back to the common room. I'll finish this," I added, grabbing the parchment from him.
He sprang out of his chair and blocked my way when I turned to leave. "It is finished."
"Yes, but I have to, you know, fine-tune it. Polish it up."
Draco shrugged. "All right, it doesn't really matter to me. Wait until I get my things, then I'll walk you to your House."
"WHAT?" I exclaimed. My surprised statement rang throughout the entire library, earning me a glare from Madame Pince, who, brandishing her feather duster, told us, "It's thirty minutes after closing time. I've indulged you kids long enough. Now--- shoo!"
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
"You really don't have to walk me to my common room," I muttered as Draco and I went out of the library. "I mean, I know perfectly well enough where it is."
"But it's dark," he pointed out. "You don't have a lamp and you might trip over something or fall down a staircase."
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down on one knee
My heart did a little flip-flop. Was Draco actually concerned about me? I regarded him with suspicion. "Wait a minute, why do you care about my safety all of a sudden? I'd have thought you'd be one of the first to celebrate if I met with some near-fatal injury."
He rolled his eyes and heaved an exasperated sigh. "Look, Granger, I may hate your guts, but not enough to risk the chance of you breaking your neck when I can do something to prevent it."
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
I didn't say anything for a few minutes as I puzzled over his strange logic. At last, he said, "I promise I won't tell anyone where Gryffindor House is. If you want, you can even put a Memory Charm on me."
With these things I'll never say
In spite of myself, I laughed. "You're acting very out of character today, Malfoy," I told him, shaking my head.
"Well, no one acts like himself when" Draco trailed off.
"Yes?" I prompted when he didn't finish his sentence.
"Nothing. Forget it." He sounded queer. Uncomfortable.
I shrugged and let it pass. We walked in silence for several minutes, our footsteps echoing in the dark, empty hallways, until we stopped in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.
"Password?" the Fat Lady asked.
"Neville and Ginny forever," I intoned, and the painting swung wide open to reveal the Gryffindor common room.
Draco looked nonplussed, but he repeated the password questioningly.
"Harry and Ron came up with it," I explained. "Right after Ginny told Lavender that Ron has a crush on Pansy---" I stopped, my eyes widening.
"Weasel likes Pansy?" crowed Draco, smirking triumphantly. "Who'd have guessed? Wait till I tell the other Slytherins about this"
I straightened my shoulders, trying to look as threatening as possible, and gave him my best death glare. "Breathe a single word of this to anyone, Malfoy, and your life is over."
"Oh, I wouldn't know about that, Millicent told me Pansy has a thing for redheads"
"MALFOY!" I said loudly.
"Dear," the Fat Lady interrupted, looking very impatient, "are you coming in or not? It's past bedtime. I suggest you say good night to your boyfriend now."
"He's not my boyfriend!" I almost yelled just as Draco growled, "She's not my girlfriend!"
"Well then, what are you leaving me hanging wide open for?"
Draco gave the portrait a look of intense dislike, then turned to me, placing his left hand in the pocket of his robes. "Before I leave, Granger," he drawled, "any other big secrets you'd like to share?"
What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
This was it, what I'd been waiting for. The chance to tell Draco how I felt about him.
I stutter, I stumble
I momentarily closed my eyes, to gather my wits and summon all my courage.
"No. See you tomorrow, Malfoy."
Like I've got nothing to say
He merely looked at me, a strange light dancing in those beautiful pale blue gray eyes. The expression on his face told me he was going to say something, something important
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
But when he opened his mouth, the words that came out were, "Good night, Granger."
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
And then he turned and walked away.
As I numbly watched his retreating back, a part of me wanted to run after him, to spill out everything, to confess all the strange emotions he made me feel, just by being around.
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down on one knee
But the logical part of me told me to go to bed and save myself the heartbreak and humiliation.
Because he was surely going to reject me, and have a good laugh with the other Slytherins at my expense. Draco Malfoy would never return my feelings. He did not befriend Mudbloods, much less fall in love with one.
He deserves to know, a small voice inside my head argued. Tell him, Hermione, it's all for the best that you get everything straightened out. I mean, he's worth it
"Malfoy," I called. Actually, it was more of a croak, since my mouth had suddenly gone dry and my throat had constricted.
Marry me today
Draco stopped in his tracks, then slowly turned around. "Yes?" he drawled.
Guess I'm wishing my life away
Muddled thoughts flew through my mind, confessions, promises, declarations, excuses The phrase Now or never was screaming inside my head, repeating itself with every beat of my heart. Tell him, the voice, now much, much louder, urged. Tell him NOW.
I stiffened and took a deep breath, but then a vision of sneering Slytherins, Draco among them, erased what courage and determination I had.
"Good night," I mumbled, practically jumping through the portrait hole, leaving behind a very puzzled-looking Draco Malfoy alone in the empty hallway.
With these things I'll never say
These things I'll never say.