September 8, 1996

I can't believe Severus is making me do this. What's the point of even writing in a journal? After hearing about the abuse from my parents and the task the Dark Lord has given me he insisted that I find some way to "let out my feelings." So school just started and there's a different feeling to being back than usual. It doesn't feel like the safe haven it used to. Now it feels cold and fearful. You can tell by the professors' worried faces that the students aren't the only ones who feel this way. Although everyone knows that the Dark Lord is back and is slowly taking over, nobody speaks of it. It's almost as if they think that if no one acknowledges his existence he'll go away. It's a foolish belief of course but I guess when you have no hope of things changing foolish thoughts of thinking the world as we know it will be saved is understandable. I don't really know what to feel. I don't think he'll harm me but my family, especially my father, is at stake. Not that I really care what happens to my father after all of the things that happened between us, it's the effect his death would have on my mother. My mother and I aren't on the best of terms as of now but I still do care about her. Well it's 3:00 AM and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

September 19, 1996

Well, it's been over a week and I still have made no progress on the mission I was assigned. I have the vanishing cabinet hidden in the Room of Requirement and I have tried several times to repair it but nothing seems to help. I think it may be partially because I don't really want to fix it. If I do fix it Death Eaters will invade Hogwarts and kill anything that moves. I don't want that. I'm not a bad person. But I know what I must do. I can't afford to fail this task. He'll kill me. He'll kill my family. He'll probably kill or torture a few other Death Eaters as well just out of pure frustration. I can't be responsible for that either. So which do I choose? Either way people are getting hurt because of my actions. So which choice is right? I wish my father never forced me to get this mark. I wish I ran away like I had planned to. I heard him talking to my mother. I heard him telling her how he would drug me, wait until I passed out, and cast the mark onto my forearm. I knew this would happen so why didn't I run? Why did I just stay and wait for the inevitable? I even started to wake up as the mark was being branded into me and I could manage was a small tug causing the slightest smudge in the ink. How pathetic is that? And now I'm stuck with a nearly impossible task that I don't even want to fulfill. What did I get myself into?

November 4, 1996

Damn Potter! We had a quidditch match today and Gryffindor won all because of him and his impossibly exceptional skill. Is there anything he's not good at? And you can barely even hate him because his personality perfect as well of course! He's always so humble and kind and ugh! It's not even fair! How can somebody possibly be that perfect? Ever since first year I've been trying to be like him. I even tried befriending him before but nothing has ever worked! It's so frustrating! Why can't I be brave? Why can't I be so kind yet so admirable at the same time? Why can't people pay attention to me? Why can't I be so good-looking? Wait, I think I just went a little too far. But still it's the point! I'm going to take a shower and hopefully calm down a bit.

December 21, 1996

So yesterday was Slughorn's Christmas party and Potter went with Lovegood! Lovegood! Doesn't he know how much better he can do? In plus, does he seriously not know he's gay yet? I mean everyone's realized it except for him and a very small amount of extremely dim people. How did he not notice after he dated Chang? I figured out I was gay before I even knew what it was. I mean you just know. I guess Potter is a bit oblivious to things though. I'm sure Granger knows though so why doesn't she tell him? It is quite humorous though. I wonder how many girls he's going to have to kiss before he starts to question why he doesn't like it. Maybe he'll have to kiss a guy to finally find out. I'd definitely go for that! I don't like him or anything but come on, that's one hot piece of ass. I'd make out with him any day. But back to the Christmas party, Filch caught me in the halls after another attempt with the vanishing cabinet (a useless one unfortunately) and I had to say I was gate crashing. It was so embarrassing! And after that Severus pulled me aside and yet again offered his help. I don't understand why he can't just accept that I'm taking care of this myself? And then he tells me he made and unbreakable vow! What kind of idiot would do that!? I'm not even entirely sure what I'm going to do. I've decided that I can't just set Death Eaters loose in Hogwarts but how am I going to make sure everyone stays safe if I don't want to do the task? I'll have to do some more thinking. But for now, I'm going to do some studying.

February 2, 1996

Okay so I've got a huge issue. I think I'm starting to have feeling for Potter. Like real feelings not just I wanna bang you cause your sexy even though I still wouldn't mind but anyways it's like I want to be your boyfriend type of thing. It's so weird and confusing and he still doesn't even know he's gay! Ugh why can't he just like me?! Maybe I'll try making a truce between us and becoming friends. I mean that's a start right? I'll ask him within this week when he seems to be in a good mood. I've noticed that's he's always been kind of close to where I am. He just always seems to be there, across the hall or something he's just always near. I wonder if he's following me. What if he knows about my mark!? I've worn long sleeves every day at school so how could he have seen? I really hope he doesn't know. That would ruin any chance of me ever even becoming acquainted with him never mind becoming his boyfriend. Well I have some thinking to do so I'll write more later.

May 21, 1996

Wow! It's been awhile since I wrote in this. Well Potter walked in on my crying in the bathroom and I cursed him in a moment of sheer panic and rage and he used a spell the cut up my whole stomach. So yeah things with Harry have not been going as planned. On top of that, he kissed the Weasley girl in front of everyone last week officially making them a couple. Maybe he's not really gay. No. I can't think like that. I think I've really like him since around third year, I just didn't want to believe it. He cannot be straight now I like him too much! Why did I have to lash out and try cursing him? I've ruined everything! I destroyed any chance I had to even get remotely close to him. I'm crying pathetically now (again) but at least I'm positive I'm alone. I can't write anymore it's getting too painful. Hopefully I will write again soon with better news.

May 30, 1996

Weasley and Potter broke up! It lasted barely over a week! I wonder if it's because he's gay. I mean it this time I'm going right now to ask him if we can make up.

So I asked him and he said he's been thinking the same thing and that our fight has been going on far too long. I'm one step closer to becoming his boyfriend! I'm so excited!

June 4, 1996

Harry and I have become very close despite the short period of time that we've been friends. I ran into on the Astronomy Tower last night which is where I usually go when I have to think about things and we talked all night. I told him everything, the mark, my mission. He completely understood and told me that he will inform the Order and they'll be prepared when the Death Eaters come. The cabinet is fully repaired and ready to go. I kind of feel like a double agent, you know pretending to be the Dark Lord's Death Eater when I'm actually helping the Order and Professor Dumbledore. All I have to do is pretend that I'm going to kill Professor Dumbledore and Harry said that the Order will take care of the rest. I just really hope this whole plan works. Harry told me that he's gay which is amazing! I told him I was too and he was actually surprised. I mean really I've been out since about third year and it's pretty damn obvious but I guess he really is just completely oblivious to things like relationships and such. I was going to kiss him I really was but I just couldn't. I don't know what came over me! I never get nervous while flirting with guys or anything but I just froze up. I know I can never let that happen again or I might miss my chance. There are probably thousands of guys who like Harry so I've definitely got competition and I don't intend on him going out with another guy. This is my shot. I've got a perfect opportunity to make him mine and I have to act now. Slight flirting won't do the trick because he's way too oblivious to catch on to that. It's weird he's smart with basically everything except for relationships. I expect it's because he doesn't have much confidence. I'm getting off topic though, so back to my plan. I'll to have to be quite blunt for him to get the message. Maybe I'll just kiss him. It's obvious, to the point, and involves no deep feelings and thoughtful words which I'm not very good at sharing. I think just a simple kiss will work for both of us. I'll go up to the Astronomy Tower tonight and hopefully meet him there. Wish me luck!

June 5, 1996

I kissed him and we're together now! He took some time to think about it and he said that he thinks us being together might be a bit strange considering our past history but that this relationship is worth giving a chance. I'm so excited. I'm setting him up a surprise dinner tonight in the Room of Requirement so we can get to know each other a bit more. I can't wait!

June 8, 1996

Dumbledore's dead. Innocent students are dead. The plan wasn't a complete failure though. Most of the students are okay. The Order members are okay. Harry and I are okay. Dumbledore should have been okay. I was there, pretending I was going to kill him. My Aunt Bella, Greyback and a few other Death Eaters followed me up to the Astronomy Tower which was not part of the plan. Harry was hiding under the floor like Dumbledore told him too. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. Then Severus came, pushed me back and killed Dumbledore. He just killed him. He didn't even say a word. I think he only did it to protect me. He knew that if I didn't do it, one of the Death Eaters would call the Dark Lord and we'd all be dead. Severus had to flee and I haven't gotten the chance to speak with him yet. I must though. I have to know the whole story from his perspective. I had to leave as well. Harry and I have been exchanging owls. He's going to meet with me after school ends and we can be together. I don't know where we'll go or what we're going to do but we'll be together and we'll figure it out I just know it. I going to stop the Dark Lord. I have to. It is now my new mission. I'll help Harry do what he was destined to do. I bet Granger and Weasley will come along to which although I'm not crazy over the idea, I guess it's time that we start again. This journal actually was not such a bad idea. It made me feel a lot less… alone I guess. Well I should be writing quite a bit in cause I doubt trying to defeat the Dark Lord will be uneventful. For now I'll rest since it's probably going to be my last peaceful night for a while. I've definitely got quite an adventure coming up.