Hey guys! I'm back! So this came to me when reading lostinwriting23 story 'For Once'. It is fantastic and you HAVE to go read it. She actually helped me write most of it and without her this would have been awful. So Marie thank you so much. This is dedicated to you for all of your hard work! ENJOY!
Alex quietly crept up on Roan, before he hit the trigger she bashed him over the wrist with the wrench. He let out a pained grunt and whipped around, his closed fist connecting with her face. When her heard snapped back he took the opportunity to , snake his arm around hers and dislocate her shoulder by pulling her arm behind her and push her roughly to the ground. She let out a cry as she stood up and held her limp arm with her other. Hauling heself up off the ground she moved back over to him and snapped a kick into his stomach. She went to punch him when he grabbed her arm twisted her forward and elbowed the back of her head sending it to the ground with a thud. Alex tossed her head back to dispel some of the dizziness that had surged through her, in time to see Sean jump over the gas tank and use the extra height to kick Roan, who used the momentum to punch him in the stomach. He let out a winded gasp as the air left his lungs and he felt the slight sting remaining from the bullet wound. Alex stumbled out of the way as Roan unsheathed a knife and brandished it expertly toward Sean who took off his jacket, wrapping it around his hand. A flurry of blows were exchanged between the two as Roan attempted to stab Sean. Just as Sean was about to knock the knife out of his hand, Roan swiftly ducked to the side, slicing Sean's leg and sending him to the ground. Alex kicked Roan in the back, making him turn towards her. He charged her with the knife but at the last moment she slipped out of the way sending, Roan knife first into the electric panel. Alex circled around him and watched as his body was wracked with electric currents and when it finally became too much for his system, he stopped moving all together. Alex let out a relieved sigh as he slumped to the ground.
"Alex," She heard Sean choke out from behind her. She turned, smiling, expecting to see him ready to leave to get back to Michael and Nikita when she noticed the dark red pool that had formed around him. Her face fell quickly, becoming ashen and almost child like with fear.
"Sean!" She gasped, jumping over his legs and kneeling next to him. She looked down at his leg and noticed the small but deep cut just on the inside on his leg. The blood was spurting out of it at an alarming rate. Alex whipped off her jacket and quickly placed it to his leg with her one good arm. Sean grunted in pain and grabbed her wrist but it still wasn't enough pressure. One arm wasn't enough.
"Sean, do you think you can reset my arm for me?" She gritted out, knowing she'd need as much strength as possible to have any hope of stemming the flow. Without responding Sean shifted his arms, grabbed her shoulder and pushed it back into place. Alex let out a slight scream but was happy to have both her arms working again. She continued to put pressure on his wound. He groaned again and tightened his hold on her wrist.
"Birkhoff. Get Nikita and Michael here now! I don't care what they're doing, Sean's losing way too much blood, he needs help!" She yelled at him through the com system.
"What the hell happened?" She heard Birkhoff ask from what seemed like miles away. Her dark jacket was already saturated with Sean's blood and it was seeping into her hands.
"Roan had a knife, I think he cut Sean's femoral artery. I don't really know. Just get them here!" She stammered, panic and pain overloading her capacity for calm.
"They're on their way!" He promised and there was radio silence once more.
Alex looked back at Sean who was now ghostly pale. "Sean look at me. You're going to be okay. I'm going to get you out of here." She murmured.
Sean dragged his heavy eyes to meet hers. They were pooling, clouded with tears he knew she was trying to fight. Even as he watched, she lost the battle with one and it slid gracefully down her cheek. "Hey don't cry. Please." He whispered wiping a tear from her cheek." Alex would have leaned into his touch if he hadn't been bleeding out right in front of her.
"Hey Alex?" Sean rasped, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.
"Yeah?" She said as she leaned in and used his discarded jacket to tie a tight knot around his upper thigh before returning to her jacket to press against his leg.
"I know I probably won't survive but I need to ask, will you go on a date with me?" He asked her.
Alex shifted her position so she could keep more pressure on his wound. "Sean don't say that. We're both going to get out of here. But yes, when we do I will go out on a hundred dates with you. Okay?" She forced a smile at his choice of moments to ask her out. Trying in vain to alter the course that the logical part of her brain knew they were on.
"Come on Alex who are you trying to kid? It took us 20 minutes just to drive here, not counting the 15 minutes it took us to actually find this spot. I probably don't have more than 15 minutes left." Sean said. His voice becoming quieter and more hoarse.
Alex took a deep breath at his words. She knew he was right, she was probably trying to kid herself if not Sean. As blood continued to seep onto the floor Alex noticed how truly pale Sean had become. His entire face was white and even his hands were starting to lose their colour. Terror shot fire through her veins as his eyes fluttered closed and she put all the weight she could onto his leg to stop the bleeding and brought her other hand to his face and gently patted his cheek.
"Sean, Sean you got to stay awake okay?" She said. Sean's eyes snapped back to hers at the contact and he gave her a slight nod.
The com crackled in her ear. "Alex they're about 12 minutes out." Birkhoff's voice was tense. Alex breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe it was going to be okay.
"You hear that Sean? Just a little while longer." She said brushing a piece of hair out of his face. Sean forced a smile onto his lips at the news. He knew he wasn't going to make it, he could already feel himself beginning to let go. He was going to hold on as long as he could for Alex if for no one else.
"Alex. Can you do me a favour?" He asked turning his head to face her.
"Anything." She choked out, looking into his eyes.
"Come just a little closer." He whispered. Alex looked at him strangely but did as he asked. What she wasn't expecting was for him to lean up and capture her lips in a kiss. He brought his hand to the side of her face, much like he had when he kissed her after their safe house had blown up. When he pulled away, both were slightly out of breath and Sean lay his forehead against hers.
"Alex, I love you." He breathed, so quietly that she almost didn't hear him, but she did. She was shocked at his declaration but didn't hesitate in responding.
"I love you too Sean." She whispered back kissing him again gently. He smiled into the kiss before they pulled apart again.
"Alex 7 minutes" Birkhoff said, giving them an update on the time.
"Alex. I'm sorry." Sean said looking up at her.
"For what?" She asked, confused.
"For everything. For lying to you, for being an ass when we first met but most importantly not telling you I loved you sooner." He gasped, breathing shallow.
"Sean you have nothing to be sorry for. It's okay, it's all in the past, all we have to worry about is the future." Her voice shook and the hand that still rested against his cheek slipped through his hair. Sean was about to say something when he started coughing violently.
A shudder ran through him and he was suddenly very still. Alex froze, staring at him in alarm, fear tearing through her chest. "Sean!" She yelled trying to get him to respond to her. His eyes closed and his head gently lolled to the side. "Sean!? Sean!?" Alex practically screamed at him. She guided his limp form to the floor and pressed at his chest, 10 compressions before dipping her head to force air into his lungs, half a kiss, half a desperate hope for something, anything. There was nothing
After what seemed like hours to Alex, but in reality it was only a few minutes, Nikita and Michael came sprinting around the corner. "Alex!?" Nikita yelled sliding the last few feet to Alex on her knees.
"No, no, no. Sean no!" She said brushing the hair off his face, "Sean! Please no!" Alex cried desperately.
Nikita pulled the young girl away as Michael pressed his fingers to Sean's neck to check for a pulse. When he didn't find one he looked at Nikita and gently shook his head. Nikita sat against the wall holding Alex in her arms. The younger agent's forearms and white undershirt with stained crimson with Sean's blood. Nikita gently rubbed Alex's back as the young girl clutched her shirt and cried into the older women's chest.
"It's okay Alex. It's okay." Nikita whispered, the lie almost catching in her throat. She knew she was lying to her. This was the third person Alex loved and watched die. No one as young as Alex should have to go through that. Michael called Birkhoff and got him to get them transportation back to the safe house... and two body bags.
After a few hours Michael, Nikita and Alex finally walked through the doors of Ryan's safe house. Michael and Nikita shared a silent look as Michael went to put away the various pieces of equipment and Nikita brought Alex to the bedroom. Alex sat numbly staring into space as Nikita took of her shoes and socks.
"You want to wash up?" Nikita murmured nodding to the bathroom door across the hall. Alex barely nodded in response.
"Are you going to be okay on your own?" Nikita asked the young girl who was shaking slightly as she stood up.
"Yeah. Thanks. I'll see you later." Alex replied, her voice barely above a whisper and she went to the bathroom and closed the door. Nikita let out a sigh, ran her fingers through her hair and went downstairs to find Michael.
Once Alex was in the bathroom she turned on the shower and began to undress. Her shirt and most of her pants were stained with blood. Sean's blood. Discarding the clothes in a corner she stepped into the shower, letting the hot water cascade over her as she scrubbed at her arms to get the blood off them. She turned around and went to grab her shampoo when she noticed Sean's shampoo and body wash next to hers on the shelf. She broke into tears and sank to the bottom of the shower clutching her knees to her chest, allowing the sobs to wrack her body. She must have sat like that for a long time because eventually her tears became dry and there was a light knock on the door. Before she had time to respond the door opened slowly.
"Alex?" She heard Nikita ask.
Nikita gently pulled back the curtain and saw Alex curled in a ball leaning against the back wall of the shower. Nikita grabbed a towel and turned off the water. Wrapping the towel around Alex's small form she carefully helped the girl out of the tub. She guided her back to her bedroom where she wrapped Alex in a robe and gently sat her down on the bed. Nikita kneeled in front of her and looked at her bloodshot eyes.
"Alex, why don't you get some rest okay?" Nikita nudged, combing a hand through Alex's sopping hair. She knew how emotionally and physically drained Alex must be and she didn't want to wear herself out. Alex nodded her head in defeat. She knew Nikita was right but she didn't feel like she wanted to go to sleep. Nikita was about to gently lay her down on the bed when Alex stopped her.
"Can I get changed first? I promise I'll be okay. Go see how Michael's doing." Alex said looking at her mentor. Nikita nodded her head in understanding and left the room to give Alex some privacy.
Once she was sure she was gone Alex stood up and walked down the hall. Pushing up the door she entered Sean's room. She looked around at the space in front of her. It looked exactly as if he would be coming home to it later that day. His bed was made in such a way that it would make any military officer proud. His nightstand had a lamp and a phone charger resting on it and the desk in the corner had a picture of him, his mother and two sisters along with a picture of him, Nikita, Michael, Birkhoff and Alex that had been taken a few weeks ago.
Slowly, she stumbled over to his closet and opened the door revealing his jeans and shirts on one side and his suits and ties on the other. She gently ran her hand over the jacket that he'd been wearing the first night he kissed her. Finding a pair of sweat pants and a black t-shirt, both of which were probably 5 sizes too big, she put them on and lay down in his bed. Getting under the covers she breathed in his familiar scent. She lay only on the left side of the bed, knowing from nights that she'd spent with Sean after being woken up from nightmares that he always only slept on the right side. She felt silent tears drip out of her eyes as she pulled her legs up to her chest. The last couple of hours finally caught up to her as she closed her eyes and finally succumbed to sleep, letting the darkness wash over her. Several minutes later Nikita made her way up the stairs and went to find Alex. When she didn't see Alex in her room she was about to call Michael when she noticed Sean's bedroom door was slightly ajar. Walking down the hallway Nikita looked inside to see Alex dressed in Sean's clothes, curled up in his bed, tear tracks still glistening on her cheeks. She looked at the girl sadly and went back downstairs.
"Hey guys." She said as Michael and Birkhoff stood in front of her.
"Do we know what happened?" Nikita asked
Birkhoff as the first to give an explanation. "Alex was right. Roan hit his femoral artery. It was pretty deep too. If Alex hadn't been there he probably would have bled out in under three minutes but the amount of pressure she was able to put on his leg kept him alive for more than ten." Birkhoff sighed as he roughly dragged his finger through his hair.
"How's Alex?" Michael asked.
Nikita sighed, rubbing her hands over her face, "Not good. She's upstairs asleep in his room right now but she was pretty exhausted. Just seeing Sean's things in the shower caused her to break into tears. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help her."
Michael and Birkhoff frowned at her explanation. Neither of them knew what to do. They'd all lost someone over the years but they didn't know how to voice the comfort Alex needed. "It's getting late, we should probably get to bed." Michael suggested.
"Yeah. I talked to Ryan earlier. He's already made the call to Sean's family, to inform them of what happened. Obviously they don't know all the details but at least they know. Ryan said he'd let us know the details for the funeral when he gets them. Nikki, do you think Alex is going to be okay?" Birkhoff asked, worried about the young girl who over the years became like a sister to him.
"I honestly don't know Birkhoff. I hope she is. I guess we'll find out over the next few days." Nikita said truthfully. three of them shared a look before Birkhoff dropped his head and tripped off to his room. Nikita turned toward the corner, swallowing hard and rubbing her hands over her face.
Warm arms slipped around her waist from behind and lips brushed her shoulder, "Let's go to bed, Kita."
She turned in Michael's arms and wrapped her arms around his neck, still trying to choke back her tears "I love you so much."
He buried his face in her neck, "I love you too."
The funeral was a blur of hard to swallow lumps in their throats, periodic blurring of the world around her, and a strategic avoidance of looking in the direction of his sisters. She knew their faces from the picture he kept on his desk. Jill was tall and dark haired like he had been, with piercing green eyes. A small boy was perched on her left hip, face buried in her neck, little dimpled hand clenching and unclenching on the lapel of her black pea coat. Jill's lips were pursed in an effort to keep her emotions in check but even as she watched, Alex could see her slipping and her chest ached a little, watching the woman crumble before her. Her husband, Seamus, stood at her side, holding them both close and occasionally wiping a tear from his wife's cheek. Directly to Jill's right was his other sister, Sandy. She was as a good four inches shorter than her sister and softer in the face. Her deep brown eyes matched Sean's perfectly, even swimming with tears as they were. She wasn't masking her feelings like Jill was, but letting the tears flow freely. Her fiancé, Derek, held her as Seamus held Jill, brushing his fingers through her curls. Both sisters had a hand outstretched, fingers tangle together, clinging together desperately.
An arm around her waist broke Alex from her observation of Sean's family. Nikita didn't say anything as she pulled Alex in closer. The younger agent went willingly, swallowing still harder against the growing lump in her throat as Nikita kissed the top of her head. Her other hand was trapped between Michael's fingers but she untangled them gently to hold Alex closer. They were too far back from the actual grave site to hear what the priest was saying but it was evident when the service was over. The two military officers stationed at the head of his casket saluted crisply before carefully folding Sean's flag into a perfect triangle. Jill and Sandy had pulled away from their significant others, Jill's son still clinging to her desperately and they each wrapped a hand around the flag as the officers stepped up and offered it to them. The men saluted them one last time before turning to help lower the casket into the ground.
Jill tossed her head back to stem the flood of tears and Sandy clutched the flag to her chest, shaking so hard that even Alex could see from her position several dozen feet away. Jill held both her sister and son close to her chest and finally let go and crying into her sister's hair.
Alex turned her head to Nikita's neck, gritting her teeth as the tears dripped off her lashes.
"Shhh." Nikita brushed her hand through Alex's hair again and kissed her head, "I know. I'm so sorry." The strain in her mentor's voice made Alex glance up and when she saw the single tear traversing its way down her cheek.
"Nikita." Alex swallowed hard, trying to master herself, "You guys should... go. Division's going to need some leaders and you and Michael-"
"We'll stay here as long as you need us."
"I'm fine. Go. I'll meet you there soon. " They stared at each other for several minutes, gauging one another and possible outcomes were they to disagree before Nikita broke their gaze, sighed, and nodded.
"Be careful. We'll be in ops with Ryan when you get there." Alex nodded as Nikita took Michaels hand and pulled him toward the car. As they passed, he squeezed Alex's shoulder then slipped the other set of keys into her hand.
The funeral was starting to break up, attendees breaking off into smaller groups or wandering through the cemetery to their cars. Sandy was leaning into Derek's side, eyes glassy and glazed, a thumb stroking over the flag that she still clung to. Seamus was speaking to a drawn looking older couple and Jill... shit, Jill was staring right at her.
Alex ducked her head and moseyed a few steps, pretending to read the names of gravestones she passed. A movement in her peripheral vision caused her to pause. Jill, little boy still perched on her hip was striding toward her, green eyes flashing with determination.
"Hey." she barked and Alex surprised herself by stopping and turning.
"Me?"
"Yes. You're Alex." It wasn't a question.
"You have the wrong-" Alex started to back away, fingers clenching around her keys.
"Sean said you'd say that." Jill hiked the little boy up higher and he turned his little face to look up at Alex.
"I'm sorry for your loss." She managed to choke out and she watched as barely contropain flashed over the other woman's face.
"Thank you. I'm not the only one that lost him though. "
Alex ducked her head again, "If there's anything I can do-"
"Given your station that's doubtful. But I appreciate the thought."
Alex stared up at her in shock, "What do you mean my-"
"I know about all of it. What Sean was doing, what Mom was doing. Who you are."
The air disappeared from Alex's lungs, "How-"
"Not important. Sean didn't even know that I knew. What is important is this." With a mother's practiced ease, she switched the little boy, who was watching Alex curiously, to her other arm, to pull an envelope from the inner pocket of her coat.
"He told me last week that if anything were to happen to him, I was supposed to find a way to get this to an Alexandra Udinov and she would deliver it where it was supposed to go." Jill's eyes glinted knowingly as she held it out.
On the front of the envelope, in a tidy scrawl she'd only seen a handful of times but had come to know as well as her own, was written her name. With a shaking hand, Alex took the package from her, brushing her thumb over the inked grooves.
"I'll be sure to deliver it then." She whispered, tucking it reverently into her pocket.
"Be sure that you do."
"Thank you." Alex looked into his sister's eyes and held out a hand. Jill took it warily and they shook.
"Stay safe."
"And you." They each nodded and turned away to go their separate ways. Alex had only made it a few steps before she felt a little tug on her coat. Glancing down, she found herself staring at a pair of deep brown eyes, half obscured by the wispy dark hair of Jill's son.
"Fwower for you," he mumbled, holding out a single, yellow lily. Alex crouched down to be on the child's eye level as he shuffled his feet.
"What's your name?" She asked gently, taking his free hand.
"Mason." he curled his little finger around her first two and swung their hands back and forth. Her throat closed at how defeated he sounded and at the sound of Sean's middle name.
"Do you know what happened today, Mason?"
"Unca Sean went 'way," He whispered back, bottom lip trembling in a way that made Alex want to gather him up in her arms and shield him from all the hurt the world could ever inflict upon him.
"Yeah. Yeah he went away. But he's still here." She touched her fingers to his coat over where his heart would be.
"That what mommy said."
"Well you're mommy's a smart woman. And I think she'd want your Uncle Sean to have such a pretty flower." She touched the petals of the lily the was still clenched in his tiny fist.
"He want you to have though." Mason argued, pushing the flower toward her hand more insistently, "I can tell. He want you to have fwower."
Alex's eyes stung as she gently took the flower he was pressing on to her, "Thank you, Mason."
"You pretty. No be sad no more." He squeezed her fingers once more before letting go and scampering back to his mother who was waiting several feet away. Alex stood and watched as Jill swung Mason back into her arms and put her head down to talk to him. He murmured something back before resting his cheek on his mother's shoulder and waving to Alex.
She waved back and wove her way back to the car in a daze. Cold wind nipped at her exposed cheeks as she unlocked the door and curled into the driver's seat. Turning the keys to the first click, she turned up the heat before carefully sliding the letter from her pocket.
She had to read it now, get the emotions flushed out and back under control before she got to Division. Sucking in a deep breath and careful not to tear so much as the envelope, Alex slipped her thumb under the flap and pulled out several sheets of folded paper.
Alex,
Ever since my first tour, I've had a letter for everyone I care about just in case something happened to me. Mom, Jill, Sandy, my Uncle Garrett. Just kind of a last goodbye, a reminder that I love them, a reminder to stay safe. It was closure. This is my letter to you. A last goodbye. A reminder that I love you. A reminder to stay safe. So if you're reading this... Well... you know.
When I first came to Division, I didn't trust you. Yes, you were beautiful and smart and capable but the fire behind your eyes gave me pause. You were blinded by vengeance, and willing to do anything to get what you wanted, double agent, double cross, whatever it took. When you finally started care, finally started to figure out that some things are more important than revenge... That's when I knew I was in trouble.
You amaze me, Alex. Your strength, your heart, your loyalty. I don't know how you've done it. You are just... amazing. Nikita and Michael are lucky to have you around.
God, do I hope you never have to read this. I want to be around you, with you, near you as long as I can be and I know somewhere, deep down (I mean, who are we kidding, that kiss ... fireworks, cliché as that might but, exploded behind my eyes when we kissed) you want me around. Even tripped out as I was, I knew you were scared when I got shot. For a split second I could see your true feelings before those walls cracked back into place. I wish I could see that look more.
I don't want this to be some long, drawn out, sappy thing, but I just wanted a final time to say I love you. Stay strong. Stay safe. Take care of Birkhoff and Nikita and Michael. God knows they need it.
I love you,
Sean
Alex dropped the envelope in her lap, reading the letter through for a second, third, fourth time until her vision was too blurry to make out the words. Tears were cascading down her cheeks and sobs wracked her shoulders, the right one still tender, even after the time it had had to heal. Her chest felt like a black hole, sucking away air, sucking away her heart, leaving nothing but aching, crackling bolts of pain every time he crossed her mind.
She shifted to find a napkin, a handkerchief, something to dry her face and muffle the inhuman noises coming from her mouth. The envelope slid off her lap and thudded into the center console. mopping her cheeks with a sleeve, she picked the envelope back up and dumped it into her lap. A second piece of paper and something silver dropped into her lap.
Shakily, she unfolded the paper and had to stifle another sob at the image. It was a picture, obviously captured from a Division camera. It was a rare day when they'd both been in a joking mood and he'd poked fun at something she'd said and they'd both started giggling. The camera was positioned just perfectly to see their eyes, locked, wide smiles splitting their faces. She stared at the picture before placing it on top of her letter to examine the silver object that had fallen out with it.
It was a necklace. Or more accurately the most beautiful necklace she'd ever seen. A delicate thin chain was strung to a fragile looking butterfly. Its wings were encrusted with perfect tiny crystals and it sparkled in the grayish half light.
With trembling fingers, she clasped it around her neck. Its weight was comforting . Somehow with the picture and letter and necklace, she felt closer to him. Carefully, she folded both the picture and letter back into the envelope before tucking it safely into her pocket. Wiping her cheeks one last time and glancing back at Sean's grave, she started up the car and started toward Division. Sean's necklace felt safe and warm against her chest and she could breathe for the first time in days. She had work to do.
Hope everyone enjoyed it. Please review!