A/N: Song is by Brandi Carlile. I encourage you to listen to it! My loose interpretation...
Outside, the snow is steadily falling, wet and heavy; the kind of snow that could be packed tightly together to form snowballs, the kind of snowballs that can leave bruises. When on the ground, you can jump in, bury yourself, and feel the snow at first protecting and warming you, but feel instantly cold as it starts to seep into your boots and sneak into your mittens.
It's cold in that dinky little apartment. Spencer gently pulls the covers off and quietly as she can, sits up, wincing at first in reaction to the cold hardwood underneath her feet. Wrapping her robe around her, she heads into the kitchen. She can't sleep. She hasn't ever since three nights ago when she realized what this present day signified. She walks over to the cabinet and shushes the cupboard door as it creaks noisily at the touch of her hand. Spencer sets the wine glass down on the counter as she grabs a bottle of red. With a full glass of wine she starts to head into the living room, thinking twice she turns around and goes back for the whole bottle.
Fully armed now, the blonde walks through her living room, passing the coffee table that's decked out with holly, red and white candles, and even a miniature reindeer. Using the soft glow of the stringed lights all around to guide her, Spencer brushes past the tree stocked full of ornaments and presents and opens up the door to the balcony. A brisk 2 a.m. gust bites at her, but it quickly dies as she sits down. It's beautiful out, she watches the snow fall as she enjoys the silence.
"Come with me," Ashley grabbed her hand excitedly.
"It's snowing Ash, and it's freezing."
She just grinned as she pulled Spencer out onto the balcony. "Isn't it great?" Ashley said almost at a whisper level to her girlfriend. Spencer watched the puff of white breath come out of her mouth and smiled. She had never taken advantage of the balcony until Ashley always insisted they go out and enjoy the view, rain or shine.
"I'm freezing! I'm going inside." Spencer started to turn around when she felt a tug on her arm. Ashley spun her around and kissed her softly on the lips and held her tight.
Spencer continues to sip on her wine. She desperately tried to crawl back into that night; she knew what it felt like to be in her arms, with the smell enveloping her. It was distinct she can remember. The smell of her girlfriend's shampoo mixed in with the cold air and the coffee in the apartment. Spencer laughs, that shampoo scent that she never liked, but on Ashley it was amazing. "Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you," she whispers out loud to no one in particular.
"I love you," Ashley said with Spencer still in her arms.
"I love you too," she replied smiling back.
Ashley started humming softly in her ear as they slow-danced outside in the snow. "I wish this could last forever," Spencer said dreamily. Ashley stopped and looked deep into her eyes. "We are going to last forever baby." And with that she led Spencer back into her apartment and into their bed.
Spencer shuddered at the memory. She remembered how they made love that night. Ashley took such great care. What went wrong? Why did she have to mess it all up? A few tears fell down her face and dropped into her empty glass.
The birds chirped noisily as the sun threatened to burn Spencer's retinas as soon as she opened her eyes. She felt light kisses on her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, and her lips. Smiling, she slowly opened her eyes to find a bright-eyed brunette beside her. "Good morning princess," Ashley greeted as she planted another kiss on her mouth. Spencer blushed and dug her face into her pillow. "Now come on, I want to see that beautiful face". She looked back up at the other woman and they locked eyes. "I need to take a shower," Spencer whispered as she quickly got up.
"I'll be waiting beautiful."
Spencer grabbed her towel and smirked back at Ashley who was still lying on the bed. She headed into the bathroom, and just as she shut the door she heard her phone ring. Opting to check after, she turned the faucet on.
The water ran cold that morning. No matter how long she let it run, the hottest it got was lukewarm at best. At the time Spencer thought it was just because it was the middle of December, but in retrospect it must have meant something.
Her shower was done, grumbling to herself about the water, Spencer wrapped herself in her towel and stepped out of the bathroom happily humming the tune that Ashley had sung her the night before outside. She stopped humming. She heard sobbing. Was Ashley ok? Spencer ran out of the bathroom and looked around. She found her girlfriend huddled tightly into a ball on the floor in front of her couch. She immediately walked over and held her in a tight embrace, water droplets staining Ashley's shirt.
"Get away from me!"
"What? What's wrong baby?" Spencer asked flabbergasted.
"You have no right to call me your baby." Spencer tightened up quickly.
"You're phone rang, I answered it cause you were just getting to your shower, it was some skank looking for you," Ashley snarled, her tears started drying up. Spencer's worst fears were confirmed.
"How could you do that to me Spencer? I loved you."
"I-I-I don't know Ash. I'm sorry."
"That's it? 'I'm sorry'? I can't believe this," Ashley's voice begun to crack.
They sat in silence. Spencer still with her towel around her, and Ashley holding herself, trying to control her sobs. The hurt brunette broke the silence, "who is it?"
Spencer looked at her confused, "what?"
"At least give me the respect to tell me who it is."
She took a deep breath, her girlfriend was right, it was the least she could do. "If you really want to know….it's…."
Spencer heard the door open behind her; she didn't bother to turn around because she knew who it was, "Josephine".
"Hey sweetie, what are you doing out here? It's freezing," she calmly said from the doorway as she let out a yawn.
Spencer tried to quickly wipe away her tears, "I'm coming." Josephine closed the door and Spencer watched as she went back into her bedroom as she stood up and grabbed the empty bottle and her glass. The thing that was supposed to help relieve her pain from five years ago. Spencer looked up into the sky, "someone help me understand why I'm still loving you".