Title: That which belongs to me

Author: Aeriel Cross

Genre: Angst / Spritual

Summary: To him, everything belonged to his curse, or his Innocence, not him. There was nothing he can ever truly call his own. ( Prelude to 'Memories of Nobody ) Kanda.

N: Hehe…sorry about that promise where I said I'd write a Kanda/Allen story. Don't worry, I'm working full speed on it now!! I've just recently got back my exams scripts and is soo depressed my writing skills are a little more than just hindered…sigh. But anyway, the story starts now!!

Disclaimer: I do not own D.Gray man or any of the characters. Though I wished Kanda was mine.

'Thank you…for bringing back the Innocence…' A giant white tentacle extended from an even larger white mass that was Hevlaska's body to gently take the glowing Innocence from the young exorcist. The exorcist didn't say anything, and merely turned away and stalked off, scowling.

'Sorry, Hevlaska-san. He's always like that – that moody, I mean.' Komui said apologetically, though he felt that 'moody' would not be the word to describe Kanda Yuu.

'I understand…Komui-san…But do please, look out for Kanda…he's tethering on the…brink…'

'I will,' Komui assured the exorcist.

xxXXxx

As the raven haired exorcist stalked down the corridor back to his own quarters, everyone scuttled to get out of his way, with whispers of 'bad mood' and ' he's being pissed off again' following him all the way. He was already accustomed to these things, and walked on, disregarding. It wasn't like he's in a bad mood today, but he wasn't in a good mood either. A better way to put it was Kanda Yu was emotionless, probably other than for anger.

Nearing his room, he noticed something small and golden flitting about the door, and on a closer observation, saw that it was the moyashi's golem, Timcampy. Not far off, he could hear the faint shouts of the said owner shouting for it. Scoffing, he opened the door and entered his dark, cold and almost bare room, and was annoyed to see that the golem had followed him in.

'Che…'

Ignoring it, he shut the door. Moyashi was probably not going to be able to find it, but its not like he was going to care, as long as the irritating flying golf ball doesn't get in his way. At least it was better of trapped somewhere than being eaten up by some furball stalking the building – he had head about various cases of it being any furballs' favourite. Setting mugen aside on the table next to his bed, he twitched slightly when Timcampy almost settled on mugen's hilt, but instead it flitted about the katana, as if scrutinizing it, and finally settled down next to his head on the pillow.

It's as annoying as its owner…

Letting his thoughts take him, he idly watched Timcampy's rhythmical flick of its tail. At least that Walker had something that belonged to him, he mused. Timcampy was loyal enough, and belonged to no one but Allen Walker.

Not like me.

This mission had been a success, he reflected, something he always did after a mission. As usual, he was on his own, with only the finder up against the ten or possibly even more Akumas, some of which were Level Twos. He was pretty certain that without the curse to back him up, he would have most certainly died back there. Looking over at the corner of his room where he kept his lotus on a low cabinet, he smirked. The pink lotus was glowing softly, with only two petals at the bottom of the hour glass where it is kept, the only source of light in the room now other than the orange sunlight coming in from through his cracked window, casting long ghostly shadows on the floor. The fact was, Kanda had always kept his room dark, and never bothered to even fix a light, repair the window or just furnish the room to make it more homely. It just didn't associate with him – maybe it was pathetic fallacy, as one would call it.

He found it so annoyingly ironic, how he had to depend on his curse to stay alive. A curse, which will shorten his life, is actually prolonging it. Without it, he was sure he'd have died many years ago. The only things sustaining him was that and his Innocence. Without them, he was sure he would just be any normal human being. He wouldn't be an exorcist, then where he'd be? Maybe somewhere buried, dead? He didn't know. His life had been drawn out for him by his Innocence long ago, and also by his curse. Yes, he had the skills of a samurai, but that alone wouldn't be enough to defeat an Akuma. They would be useless then, since he probably won't teach. His sensei always told him if he'd did that, he'll just end up killing all the students. And he was right, given a temper like Kanda's.

It was just so irritating.

Nothing ever once belonged to him, in eighteen years of his life. Not his life and most certainly not his fate. One would say that mugen belonged to him, but it found him, not the other way around. It, and the Innocence without it, found him, and chose him as its conformer. If it was his life, maybe it once belonged to him before he got cursed. Ever since then he had been throwing himself relentlessly into battles, not caring anymore were he to die – he had the lotus to back him up, and besides, he was getting so tired of fighting, so tired of being used.

It's like you're trying to get yourself killed, a snide voice said in the back of his mind.

Maybe you're right, he told the voice. I don't want to be controlled by my Innocence. I just want to…

Be normal? The voice sounded sarcastic. That's impossible. What's normal to you anyway?

That's right – what was normal to him anyway? Being an exorcist? What does it mean to 'lead a normal life'? To work, eat, and sleep? Wake up every morning to see the sun, and then to sleep as the moon comes up? But he was doing that anyway. Not to face so many life-threatening situations? Probably that was what was meant by 'normal'. But even if he were to try and do that, he could never once again fit into that life which was taken away from him so long ago. What was it like to laugh, to love, to feel that various emotions of the human heart? Emotions were no longer his – he had sealed them away the week after he had completed his first mission. They were of no use to him on the battlefield, and will just merely get him killed. What mattered most was to destroy the Akumas, and retrieve the Innocence, nothing else. It was all he lived to do. Just like a robot, moving according to the commands issued. Robots didn't have the need for feelings – they just need to work till they break down.

Maybe you're just scared, the voice taunted.

Of what? There's nothing to be scared of, Kanda scoffed inwardly.

I don't know. Why don't you ask yourself?

If I knew I wouldn't be asking you. Kanda felt his irritation rising again.

Then look inside youself.

Scared? He thought as he watched Timcampy wave its wings feebly. It was not an emotion familiar to him. What would he be scared of anyway? Dying? He no longer cared. Losing in a battle? No, it was just pride. Then what? Losing his Innocence? Maybe that was it. He had been bound so long by its chains he not longer knew what to do without it.

Look deeper within your heart.

Memories of his first mission came flooding back, when he first watched his comrades die, not being able to do a single thing about it. He could hear the screams, taste their fear, as blood splashed down upon the ground. He remembered screaming, struggling against the finder who was holding him back. He recalled being told that it was due to a rash move, and there was nothing anyone could do about it then – he was their only hope. By the time everything ended, not a living soul was in sight other than the finder and him. The people he used to know were all dead, eyes blankly open, staring at him, the ground thick with the slick coppery smell of blood…

Deeper…

All staring at him, accusing him. Like they were saying, you left us to die. You killed us.

Deeper still…

It's all your fault. Your fault.

His fault.

'Stop it.' Kanda's voice sounded harsh in the silence of the room. So sudden. So loud.

You're hiding from yourself.

'Maybe I am,' he agreed. He must have gone crazy, talking to himself.

He had been living on blindly ever since, unfeeling, unthinking, uncaring. Why should he? Everyone dies some day or other, and one day, it would be his turn. And then, he would be forgotten, like water evaporated from the surface of a mirror. Gone without a trace forever. He saw no point in trying to keep things since they won't be going with him to hell when he dies. His name would be forgotten, just a splash on ink in a book. Mugen would be destroyed so that the Innocence could be retrieved. Everything would be gone then. Moyashi would obviously disagree, for certain. To the bean sprout, memories and feelings were those that can only belong to him. But if his emotions were dead, what was the use of memories to him? He could as well as be a Bookman.

He recalled visiting his sensei when he was fifteen. He had asked him what he was living for, but sensei didn't say anything about it.

Kanda, you've changed,' his sensei pointed out the moment he sat down.

'…'

'What happened to you? You look pretty dead on your feet.'

'Sensei, do you know what I should live for?' he blurted out, the words having left his mouth before he could stop them. All these years, he was never able to hide a single thing from his teacher, who knew him inside out all the time.

'So that's what's bothering you.' His sensei sipped his tea, and then slowly answered. 'No, I don't know what you're going to live for – it's something that only you can answer yourself. Why should a question like this be bothering you?'

'I couldn't find a reason to…' Kanda bowed his head, slightly out of shame for having such thoughts, and his sensei raised an eyebrow.

'You live for yourself, don't you?'

'No, I've been thinking recently, if I didn't have the Innocence…'

He had poured his heart out to his teacher, who said nothing throughout, but merely listened. All he said at the end when Kanda was about to leave was,' There is still something that can only belong to you, and no one else.'

'What is?'

'That only you can find out for yourself.'

Maybe sensei was talking about home, but he didn't have one, did he? Anyway, sensei was dead now. He always-

'TIM!! Where are you!!?' a shout outside jolted him out of his thoughts. It was that stupid moyashi again. How long had he been thinking? The sky had long turned into velvet black with its sprinkling of sparkling stars, and now the only light in his room came from the lotus flower. Timcampy started fluttering around at the sound of its master's voice, as if reflecting his anxiety.

'Oh, hey, Lavi. Did you happen to see Timcampy?' Allen's voice came from outside the door.

'Nope. I won't be surprised though – I saw a cat slinking around in here just a moment ago,' Lavi answered with his usual cheerfulness.

'Noooo!! It should be around here…maybe it got lost,' Allen sounded more and more frantic by the second.

Kanda drew on a white long sleeved shirt and black pants, tossing his exorcist's uniform aside. Since moyashi was so frantically looking for the flying gold ball, he'd as well return it – it was time for dinner anyway and according to his memory, the golf ball had a talent for burrowing through walls just to get to its owner, and he had no intention of having a hole in his walls where people could peep in and intrude on his privacy. Timcampy patted his face with its tail and he swatted it away, annoyed. It was when Allen gave a particularly loud wail outside when he flung the door open, looking livid and pretty bent on murdering him, mugen in hand.

'Ah, Yuu! I didn't know you're back!' Lavi grinned, even as he pointed mugen at his nose. There was no teaching this fool, really. 'How did your mission go?'

'Who said you could call me by my first name?' Kanda hissed in reply instead.

'Uh…K…Kanda, we didn't know this was your room…um, we'll be going now, sorry…'Allen paled, backing away.

'Hold it there,' Kanda said in such a low and menacing voice that Allen froze in his steps. 'If you're looking for your stupid golem, it's-' He never got to finish his sentence when said golem flopped down from midair to perch upon his head, tail swishing in front of his face.

'Ah.' Lavi looked ready to die of laughter. 'I didn't know that Timcampy liked you so much!!'

'T...Tim!! Get down from that dangerous place!!' Allen squeaked. Kanda was probably going to destroy the golem now.

'Che.' Kanda swatted it off, but it remained flying around him.

'Know what, Yuu? That golem's a cute accessory, and with it, you look positively cute.' Lavi choked.

'I didn't know Tim is this close to you…wait a minute. Why is it in your room anyway?' Allen cast for a change of topic as Kanda turned on Lavi with an obviously murderous intent.

'How would I know?' Kanda scoffed. 'Be glad it wasn't eaten up.' With that, he turned on his heel and strode off towards the canteen.

'Wait up, Yuu!! We're going to the canteen too-' Lavi and Allen ran to catch up with him. As Allen bombarded him with questions and Lavi started babbling away like an idiot, his sensei's words echoed in Kanda's mind again.

'There will still be something that can only belong to you.'

Maybe he meant this – when it comes down to the end, when everything is long gone, all that will be left is the warmth of humanity, and no one can ever take it away from him. Maybe not all of his emotions were dead, after all. Something did belong to him, in the end, as he watched the two argue over something trivial. At least, he knew, that these people would be with him till the end.

'Che…' he scoffed. 'I'll leave you two to come down to a conclusion yourself…' Quickening his pace, he left the two quickly behind.

'We've angered him again…' Allen sobered.

'Oh really? But why do I get the feeling he's in a pretty good mood today?' Lavi was puzzled.

The two soon started arguing again, and Kanda overhearing it, doubled-back to threaten them with his weapon since he was their topic of conversation. Komui, attracted by the noise and racket they were making down the corridor, poked his head around the door and watched the two exorcists being chased down the corridor by a crazy sword-wielding samurai-wannabe emanating a simply murderous black aura.

'Ah, well…' Komui sighed, a smile tugging at his lips. 'I guess he's alright now.' He shook his head as the terrified and crazed laughing came down the corridor that was of Allen's and Lavi's.

'Nii-san? Who are you talking to?' A girl poked her head out as well, wearing the exorcist's uniform with long dark hair in two neat ponytails, bearing a tray of hot, steaming coffee.

'Ah, Leenali! No, Nii-san's not talking to anyone in particular – oh!! You've made nii-san coffee, oh, I'm so touched!!' Komui babbled, hugging his sister and nearly upsetting the tray of coffee she was carrying.

'Nii-san!' Leenali exclaimed. 'I really don't know what you're talking about – there's a lot of work waiting to be done.'

'Leenali don't leave me!!' Komui tailed behind his sister like a lovesick puppy, babbling non-stop. 'Come on…don't leave nii-san behind!!' his voice trailed off as they went further and further away.

Outside, the moon shone on, softly, and all around in the world the Earl and the Noahs are still lurking somewhere waiting to be captured, and people are still being killed and turned into Akumas, but none of the exorcists are condemning themselves to defeat yet, even though the Earl said they would, having already lost everything.

We live by gaining and losing things, we lost them and gain them again. But the only thing that no one can ever take from us is the warmth of humanity, even if they are long dead, etched into our memories and hearts forever.

It's because we can feel, we can remember, that it can only belong to us, and that's what makes the difference.

And until then, we will not admit defeat yet.

fin

Or…tbc?

N: Wow, that was really long. I spent quite some time perfecting the scripts and all, because I thought that the voice I was using was too active at first, and had to change everything to passive. This story can be continued, so I decided to put it to a vote – this can easily turn into a Kanda Allen one too! Tell me if you want me to continue this. All the thanks to all those people who supported me from my first story onwards. Kiri Coil I'm so terribly sorry I'm not able to write a Yullen right now, but I promise, I promise I'll start working on it okay?

After the examinations my inspirations are just returning, and I'm starting on a Tyki one. Then I'll start on the Yullen one, coz it's wayyy too long!! -.-" Anyway. My fingers are tired from typing already. So, till then, okay, everyone? –waves and saunters off to find her Kanda plushie-