Unapologize, a new tricks fanfic

A/N: So this has probably sat half-finished on my laptop too long, so I decided to finish it. The song is "Unapologize" by Carrie Underwood.

Sarah x

Last night, I was pouring out my heart
Like a waterfall to you
And with one kiss, I was a runaway train
Flying off the track to you

She remembered last night all too well; how she had been crying over her dad, years after all the heartbreaking revelations were over and done with, and how Gerry was the one still there so late at night, keeping an eye on her. How he had pulled her into his arms for the first time, making her feel loved. Making her feel better than she had done in many years.

She had told him everything she had held back since her dad died; everything from how much she missed him and loved him to how much she felt betrayed and how much she hated him. Not to mention everything she held back since she took on UCOS. And Gerry. How could she have allowed that to happen? Sandra Pullman, hard as nails and an all-round hard-arse, allowed Gerry Standing to pull her into the tightest cuddle she'd ever felt.

Before she knew it, her lips had been crushing against his, and the world around her spun as she got carried away with herself. As she had let herself go, everything, her very being changed at the prospect of being loved. It was a feeling she'd never had before, and it shocked her to the point she forgot to hold her tongue.

"I love you," came flooding out
Couldn't make it stop, couldn't shut my mouth
I felt like a fool when I lied and said I was sorry
But...

She'd said the words she never intended to, and once she started, she couldn't stop herself. She had immediately regretted it, but there was something, as she sat watching him work the next morning, that she regretted more. The thing she regretted more than anything, more than kissing him, more than telling him she loved him, was telling him she was sorry for it.

She had frightened herself, and she now wished she hadn't said sorry for it. She didn't understand why she said any of the things she did last night, just that she hadn't meant for it all to slip out, and that she wished she hadn't lied.

She had felt like an idiot, as if she was acting like a teenage girl and not a middle-aged woman. But when faced with the realisation of falling in love, had her age actually mattered? Because, though she was fifty-one, she felt like she was seventeen again, falling so fast she didn't realise what was happening.

I unapologize, I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel about you
I can't unsay what you heard, 'cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight them back
Or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize

She watched as Brian and Steve left to follow a lead, leaving Gerry on his own in the main office. She wasn't sorry. She didn't regret saying, "I love you," because it was the truth. She couldn't take it back when it was so true. It was something she refused to do. She always vowed never to tell her boys an outright lie, because, though the sneaked around and never told her when they were up to something, when asked for the truth, they always gave it.

The atmosphere between them was odd this morning, and Steve had picked up on it, commenting, "Anybody would think you've threatened to kill him!" to Sandra after an hour of observation. She didn't like the atmosphere; it was giving her a headache, knowing she'd had properly messed things up between them.

But it now had to stop. Almost a decade of keeping it all locked up inside was more than enough, and all the strain between them had finally reached a peak. She couldn't and wouldn't do it anymore.

So she walked steadily and carefully through to him, and her caution had nothing to do with the three-and-a-half inch heels she wore. She perched herself on the edge of his desk, and waited for him to acknowledge her presence. It wasn't something she usually waited for – she would normally demand acknowledgement from her team – but, if she was quite honest with herself, she felt sick with nerves.

You know, people say a lot of things
That they don't really mean
And last night, I told a little white lie
Hoping you'd forget the scene

When he finally looked up, the look of bewilderment in his eyes unnerved her. He was confused; she could see it. "Gerry," she began, her voice not as strong and unyielding as it usually was when she spoke to Gerry Standing. "Have you ever said something you didn't mean?"

"Nope," he answered. "I'm a perfectionist, me," he smirked. God, he wasn't making this easy, was he?

"I did," she sighed. "I told you a tiny little lie last night," she confessed. He said nothing, and she couldn't tell whether he was angry or just confused. After all, his head was bound to be as screwed up as her own was. "I was hoping you would just forget about it, but judging by your silence, I'm guessing you remember it was well as I do."

"You honestly expected me to forget about that?" he challenged her, apparently not believing his ears. He had a point, of course – hearing those words from someone he probably thought was incapable of saying them was not something he was likely to forget in a hurry.

Where it felt like a movie under the porch light
Couldn't help myself when you held me tight
Said what I meant, then I lied and said I was sorry

"I know," she sighed, running her hand through her hair. It was a nervous habit of hers, she'd noticed. "I didn't mean to. Well, I did. But I didn't mean to make such a mess of it all. I'm quite good at that," she admitted.

The truth was that she'd never been in that position with him before. Usually, one of the other boys were with them when she was upset, but this time Gerry had been deserted to deal with her on his own. When he gave her a cuddle, trying to comfort her, something had clicked inside her; she'd realised she'd spent years getting irritated by the man who cared most deeply about her.

He still said nothing until she tilted her head and, in a moment of unusual vulnerability, whispered, "Please, Gerry, hear me out."

"I don't understand," he finally said. "Are you trying to tell me you were lying when you said you loved me?"

Oh no...he'd completely got the wrong end of the stick. Why did she have to be so incredibly hopeless at this sort of thing?!

"No!" she exclaimed, louder than she intended. "I lied when I said I was sorry for saying it," she clarified. "I lied when I told you I was being stupid and when I said I wanted you to go home and leave me alone."

"Then why say it in the first place?" he demanded, and she knew he had every right to a proper explanation. The problem was that she couldn't give him something she didn't have. She couldn't explain why she said either of those things apart from the absence of common sense and the presence of fear.

"I don't know," she admitted. "But I know now I was telling you the truth when I said I love you," she finalised with a sad smile. She wouldn't blame him if he never went near her ever again; it would be her own fault. "I won't hide it anymore," she asserted, her weak voice growing ever stronger. "Is there such a thing as unapologising?" she asked.

"Probably," he answered coolly.

"Then I unapologise."

Oh, there's no time to be
Holding it all in, trying to pretend
That I don't feel anything
Oh, I shouldn't have said "I'm sorry."

He looked straight into her eyes and she knew she'd done it. She'd managed to convince him of her true intentions. He stood up and put his hands on her arms, and she looked across his face for any sign of mistrust. She decided this was it; after years of lying, she had what she wanted. What she needed.

She pretended before now, for a long time, that she never got jealous of his girlfriends, and that his occasional stupidity only got on her nerves. She'd tried pretending she didn't find him funny or lovable. She tried pretending to herself that he was nothing to her, that she didn't need him. That she didn't love him.

"I shouldn't have apologised," she admitted. He leaned in and kissed her gently. She momentarily raised her hands in the air, about to stop him, but then decided to put her hands on her face and kiss him harder, proving a point both to him and to herself.

I meant every word
Won't take back the way I feel about you
I can't unsay what you heard, 'cause you heard me right
And I won't try to fight them back
Or hide my feelings for you
I unapologize

"I meant what I said," she whispered into his lips. "I love you."

'Cause you heard me right, yeah
I unapologize

Hope this is OK!
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you thought!
Sarah x