Roxas

The question of the week: Am I gay?

…

I don't think I'm a fruit, so…well, the fact that it's even crossing my mind wouldn't have crossed my mind before I met him. Before I was just… asexual, I didn't really want anyone, didn't see anyone that way. The fact that I have to think about it now bothers me. A lot. I was fine with being the little virgin PE but now I can't focus on important things, things like capping wires properly. If I can't focus, people get their asses fried. If only we didn't have to use the same space. I'd be in the shop doing my job and everything will be just peachy keen until he swaggers in, pants barely clinging to his hips, tool belt slung crooked, starts chatting me up. Then my concentration goes out the window. He's funny as shit and sarcastic and, in spite of what he lets on, incredibly smart. He's brilliant with a blueprint and can weld like no other; he's nothing short of a god in the shop…. Anyway, it seems the only time I'm not questioning my sexuality is when he's in my line of sight and were being buffoons together. I swear, he does weird things to my brain; when I'm with him, a banana could whoop my ass in an IQ test. I don't have the mental capacity for anything, let along wiring things the right way.

I know I think he's hot, but it's an objective kind of thing… well, he's really not that good looking, he's all sharp angles and weird hair and pale as snow, but I see something that appeals. He's also really fun to talk and really good at what he does and a total trill seeker and pyro. But that doesn't make me gay; it just means I like him as a person and have eyeballs that like—for some weird reason—what they see. It doesn't mean I can't see anyone else the way I see him. But I can't concentrate on anything but the idea of what it is about him that makes me a drooling fruitcake when he's around. What the hell? I mean, I've thought about people who could potentially be my mate; Naminé, Tifa, Rikku…. But they never made me freeze up and break into a cold sweat or transform me into a bumbling idiot. They never sent me into daydreams about the distant future in which I plan my entire life around them like some grade school girl with their first crush. They never had me up in the middle of the night thinking about how I could afford an apartment and feed us if, by some chance, they should lose their job…. They're all so different in so many ways, too. Naminé's small and pale and a soft-spoken artist type. Ms. Lockhart is tall, dark, and handsome with a strong head and soft heart. Rikku's… Rikku. They have nothing meaningful in common with each other or with him.

God that was such bullshit, I really shouldn't have mentioned them; I just picked out and tried a few girls I knew as a sort of experiment. I never even really had any feeling for any of them. I don't even really know what my 'type' is. But then. aesthetics is universal… right?

Right.

He's a junior, his hair is… scarlet, his eyes are the hue of the purest man-made emeralds, his hips are just as wide as any female's, and I sound obsessed…. I used to think I was attracted to the female I saw in him. But he's really not all that effeminate. I thought if a girl could copy him, I'd be all set. If only she could get a really good dye job and find contacts that color green and get him to dress her everyday and had his shit eating grin and the mole under his right eye and the tattooed circle under the left and a flat chest and his weird sense of humor and his absolute mastery of fire and all things wooden and metal, then get away with it all…. Then I would look at her like I gaze at him. At least, that's what I used to tell myself when I was staring at him, ignoring the beautiful costumers and make-up girls and props chicks that are always darting around.

Sometimes, not even I buy some of the bull I spout. For all his femininity he's undeniably male.

Jesus, I should just get over it, I'm not gay, I suppose, if I only see one person like I see him, right? I'm very nearly still asexual. I can only see him and no one else. I can only see me with Axel and Axel with me and I'll kill anyone who tries to get in the way.