I know I should have stopped him. He didn't even say he loved me, so how did I know? I knew I loved him. I did. I loved how he got it, he got me and everything I was thinking, everything that was important to me. And I loved how he looked, how tall he was and how curly his hair was and the funny hazel color of his eyes. I loved how he played the guitar and how he sang, how it was off-key around the edges. I loved how when he sang his voice sounded like it did when he talked. I loved how creative he was and how wounded he was and how troubled, how he kept his past all hidden and never talked about it. I loved all the layers.
Still, I should have stopped him. We were in my bedroom doing homework, my mom was home. Jeff was home. Toby was probably home. And we didn't have a condom. Did I believe that garbage about not getting pregnant the first time? I knew you could. It was a gamble, alright. But it just felt so good. It was good and scary and wonderful and I didn't want to stop him, it was easy not to. So I didn't.
It was quick. Well, it was his first time, too. We weren't that great at it, it was kind of quick and scary and painful but still, I felt warm. I felt loved. And he looked at me when it was over with wide eyes and I smiled a dazed, almost sleepy smile. We'd done it. We were connected in a different way now.
"Wow. We did it," I said, thinking about the condom, or lack of one. But I wouldn't say anything. It would probably be okay.
"Yeah," he said, looking kind of sleepy eyed now. I wished we could just lay here together, wrapped in each other's arms. But it was getting late and it was a school night and any second my mom would be knocking at the door, telling him to go.
"Ash, I'd better go," he said, and I nodded. I so didn't want him to. I so wanted him to stay right here with me. But I'd see him tomorrow. And I could think about tonight.
"Okay," I said, my voice all sad. I touched his face with my fingertip and he let me, he didn't pull away.
"See you tomorrow?" he said, like there was some doubt. He kissed me, a softer kiss this time, all gentle and teasing.
"Yeah," I said, and watched him pull on his jean jacket and dump his books back into his school bag and go. Craig. God, I loved him.
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No condom. I thought about this as I laid in my bed, sleep not coming. Sleep would be a stranger to me tonight. I could still feel all his touches, everywhere he touched me feeling all electric. I could feel the exquisite pain when he put it in, thrusting his hips and it was this sensation I wasn't used to. I felt like I was a woman, not just some high school girl. So cool. And we were one for that time, moving together, so close. Closer than I'd ever been to anyone.
Still, the condom nagged at me. What was I thinking? The chance I was taking, it was a bit staggering. I could be pregnant. I could. At 15, pregnant. How dumb. And then what would I do? How could I keep a baby and raise it at 15? But then how could I give it away? If I was pregnant it would just be bad, bad. Could I get an abortion? Did I have that kind of courage? I shook my head. I didn't know.
No. I wasn't pregnant. Was I that unlucky? It was fine, it would be fine. I closed my eyes, trying to feel sleepy. No doing. I wasn't sleepy at all.
Oh, the risk. I couldn't believe I'd actually be that stupid. No condom. No safety net of any kind. My worry was really cranking up. I could be pregnant. Sure I could. There was no reason in the world why I couldn't be.