"I got some fucking luck..."

I stared outside the window of the bar, staring at the heavy snowfall. The reporters said not go outside unless in a case of urgency. Fuck the lot of them. I took a sip of my coffee and resumed staring into open air.

"What's that?"

Right in front of me sat a beautiful girl with long blond hair that reached her shoulders. She wore a white jacked painted with purple stripes. She's from the same company as me, number #266. Her name, as far as I'm supposed to know, is Saskia.

"Egh. It's just the weather."

"Not good with the cold, are you?"

"Nah."

Good with the cold or not, we're eventually going to have to go outside. I took another sip from my coffee and stood up.

"Let's go."

My associate nodded and followed my example. We walked over to the door, but all of a sudden, it exploded. Right in front of us. That's when I noticed there was something there.

Right beneath our feet was a crab. Not just any crab, but a crab with the head of Jack Nicholson. He jumped out and punched me into the stomach with his massive claw, punching me back into the counter of the bar.

"ARE YOU READY FOR THAT SLEEPOVER NIGGER? FUCK YEAH YOU ARE!"

"Fuck, my stomach, ow..."

My associate ran to my side, holding her hand unto mine.

"Are you okay?"

The crab jumped up to Saskia and punched her in the face, knocking her out cold against the counter.

"WE GOT NO TIME FOR WHORES, BRO! WE NEED TO GET THAT SLEEPOVER READY, NIGGER!"

Crab Nicholson hoisted me up with his massive claws and whisked me away. The world started to swirve around me as darkness consumed everything I saw.

I woke up on the floor of a completely foreign bedroom. On top of the bed was Crab Nicholson. His claws were very menacing.

"YOU FINALLY UP NIGGER? COME ON LET'S GO GET THE PARTY STARTING!"

"Wha... Egh, fuck no. Where the hell am I...?"

"THIS IS THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE, NIGGER! WHERE DO YOU THINK WE ARE?"

He turned to look at a sign above the bed that said "CRAB MOTHERFUCKING NICHOLSON'S BEDROOM". That answers that, at least.

"What the hell happened to Saskia?"

"THAT CUNT? OH, I DUMPED HER INTO THE RIVER. I THINK SHE DROWNED OR SOME SHIT."

"Wait, what? You did what?"

"YEAH, I HELD HER HEAD UNDERWATER FOR SOMETIME UNTIL THE BUBBLES STOPPED COMING. THAT USUALLY DOES THE TRICK. NOW LET'S GET SOME FUCKING DORITTO'S, I'M STARVING!"

"You did what to Saskia?"

"NIGGER IF YOU WANT TO THROW A GOOD PARTY YOU GOTTA STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK! HERE, LET ME TAKE CARE OF THAT!"

He jumped right at my crotch and started digging. There was blood everywhere and everything started swirving again. Right before I passed out, I swear I could hear Crab Nicholson say "AWW SHIT NIGGER, THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD! HAHAHA!"

And that's why I'm not allowed at Wal-Mart anymore.