Bubble Gum Girl

Standing. Completely still.

But no silence. White noise.

Laughter.

Happiness.

I need to get myself some of that. That laughter. That happiness.

The room, it smells like bubble gum. Sweet, pink, chewy and sticky. Sticky with delight.

But the walls are bare. The room is painted in nothingness. It's cold. The white is dirty and the brown wood is clean.

The truth of it is, right now, we have something to smile about. It's called hope. But usually, this place they call home is empty. Haunted with nameless faces and bodiless souls. The only colour that is true is the gold, copper, chocolate and raven of bobbing heads.

Bobbing to the sound of hope.

And the pink bubble gum that you can hear and smell but not see.

That's when I see her. It is the most perfectly clichéd first glance that all I can do is stop and stare.

I have never believed in love at first sight until now. Until this very second when I first lay eyes on the silken, copper fire that caress' the delicate snow fall of her face.

Her eyes are the colour of miserable rain but she is smiling. The curve of it catches her rain drop eyes in her face like a hole in the road forms puddles.

This is the truest, most pure of moments when the world seems to cry, "Throw down your turrets, and let the sun storm in."

Looking at her, I'm the fortune teller who said, "I told you."

I can see the future that I always swore I would have. It's bright and full of possibility.

There's the first day of school. I'll hold on too tight as we walk down the street under the neon trees and the fluorescent sun. My little girl's first day of school. Little Red will tell me to stop being so silly, that we knew this day would come the moment we first met.

Birthday parties. She'll be so surprised when she comes home from a busy day, exhausted, hungry and stressed, and everyone jumps out from behind the couch and she drops her things on the ground.

All she can say is, "Oh." And it's more than enough. Her rain drop eyes rain with happiness. And it's everything I ever hoped for.

I can see these moments. This is it. I win. I deserve happiness and the day it left for the first time was the day I swore I would die to get it back.

But I don't need to.

Chuck is beside me. I can feel his warmth. His company is comforting. I look up at him and then back to Little Red. "She's the one," I say. He smiles and places a hand on my back. "Oh, Blair," it says.

There is a cloud above me though. I'm living with a shadow over my head.

It feeds on that day when I finally had to ask, "What is wrong with me?" And Doc said, "Nothing Blair, except that no one can possibly live here. Your womb's like the Sahara desert. It's hot in the day and freezing at night. Not very hospitable, eh?"

Well I found the loop hole, you ass. I'll teach you to burn my house down and then say, "Oh sorry, but we can't rebuild it."

She's the one. The rain that will make everything flourish. The rain drop eyes.

And I will collect the rain in buckets, like I'm collecting happiness. And then I'll dance in it. And I'll mix it with sunshine, until I'm dancing in liquid gold.

Because when life gives you sadness, you say it backwards really fast and it sounds like "sun dance."

I smile at Little Red. I can feel the desperation all the way to my fingertips. Please notice me. Please like me.

She smiles back.

So I walk over to her and sit down. Chuck waits because he knows I need to do this alone.

"Hi," I say. I sound shy and nervous. She can tell. She smiles a little more. It truly is beautiful.

"Hi," she says back. She says it with confidence. I like it. It's endearing.

It strengthens me.

"What are you doing?"

"Reading," she replies. Although right now her book is closed and she is looking at me. Into me.

"How can you be reading with all this noise?" I ask.

She just shrugs. And she stares. Her gaze penetrates my skin, my bones, my soul.

She places her small, soft hand on my arm and I can feel her branding my flesh with innocent words of promise.

"It's ok," and I know she's not just talking about the noise.

It's ok to be scared. It's ok. Just smile. You're strong, Blair.

Chuck stood back and gave this moment to me.

The first moment I met my beautiful Little Red.

My daughter.

"Would you like some bubble gum?" I offer.

"I've already got some," she says. And she laughs.