Letter to Kate
True connections are born not made. They come along sparingly in life. Often we don't even recognise them. Those connections that bind us to another in the very depth of our hearts and minds and souls. Those connections that follow us through our lives and cannot be severed by time or distance or death. We use the word "love" but love comes in many forms, is hijacked for the mundane and thrown out of people's mouths on a whim. The word somehow doesn't do justice to those true connections.
The Caroline of old would have said that was all bullshit, just karmic mumbo jumbo but that was before you came along my dearest kind and gentle Kate. You taught me the meaning of true connections.
I wasn't the easiest of pupils was I. A slow learner I guess you could call me. I must have been such hard work for you, worse than 9F, but you persevered. It wasn't that I didn't know, not deep down anyway. My soul recognised yours from that very first kiss. It was my head that refused to accept that I Caroline Dawson could do relationships. Your patience helped me realise a different narrative. I know it wasn't easy for you. I forced you away more than once with my lack of understanding. I am so grateful that you understood the true connection and didn't give up on me. That you helped me be the person I was meant to be.
The day we married was the happiest day of my life or should I say of this life my darling because I am certain our souls will find each other in future lives. Our wedding day was the day I totally absolutely and irrevocably surrendered all of my heart mind and soul to you. It was the day I Caroline McKenzie Dawson finally felt as one with another.
How cruel of the universe that the day after our wedding was the worst day of my life. It was the day your mind shut down, your heart stopped beating and your body left us. Not your soul Kate not that beautiful soul of yours. It has taken me weeks to realise that my love. I think you might have been disappointed in me. Without your physical presence to keep me centred I have been slow.
It's not that I haven't felt your presence. I can hear your words urging me on. I can see your fingers whizzing across the keyboard in a piece of music on the radio. I can hear your voice belting out a Dusty tune and best of all hear your laughter when the wind blows through the trees. I can smell you on the pillow next to me. In the wee dark hours of the morning I can feel your breath on my neck and your hands gently caressing my back.
What I lost my dearest Kate was the very essence of you. And then suddenly there is was in front of me where it has been since the day you died. I laughed when I realised. I had wasted so much time resenting, resenting the sleepless nights, the unbearable responsibility, resenting that you weren't there. All that time the essence of you was staring me in the face. I find your soul every time I look into the eyes of our daughter. There you are.
I am not going to pretend it is going to be easy for me. I have felt so incredibly angry with you for leaving, for going on ahead without me. We should have gone together on our next journey. But I will be ok, for you have left me the precious gift of Flora and I have to be for her. I promise you with every breath I have that she will have the mother you would have been. Perhaps not as calm and gentle but she will know she is loved.
Till we are together again my dear sweet soul mate I am always your
Caroline