/I first came up with the title and description, let's see how it goes./
Rio De Janeiro, year 20XX, 9:11 PM. An old, fucked up shack at the edge of a slum street.
"Count faster, mom!" Ruby shouted.
"I'm counting at the right speed, you little bitch!" Her mom replied while covering her eyes in a corner of the shack. "… seven, six, five…"
Ruby was very playful and happy that evening. Finally, her mom was able to find some time for her.
"… three, two, one… here I come!"
Ruby's mom opened her eyes and looked around the shack. Finding Ruby proved to be quite a challenge, since the shack was stuffed full with furniture, like a table, a chair… that's it lol.
"Where are you, Ruby?" Ruby's mom pretended to not see Ruby hiding under the table. "Come on out!"
Ruby started giggling and moved a little closer to the opposite end of the area under the table. Not like that would hide her more or anything.
"Are youuu… here?" Ruby's mom looked swiftly behind the chair.
"Haha! Cold, really cold!" Ruby laughed.
"Where could that little devil be hiding?" Ruby's mom pretended to ponder on her daughter's current whereabouts.
She approached the table and Ruby giggled even more.
"There you are!" Ruby's mom laughed.
"Haha! It took you long enough, mom!" Ruby jumped out from under the table and hugged her mom.
Ruby's mom was doing everything she could to make her daughter a happy girl, but given their tremendous financial state and her own bad health condition, which she didn't even mention to Ruby not to make her worry, Ruby deep inside knew that her and her mom weren't doing good. Even if she was able to eat some food from time to time, Ruby knew mom was working hard to get it for her.
What she didn't know, however, and maybe for the better, was that her mom was giving head on the streets to earn barely enough money to buy some bread and fruits for her daughter. Sometimes a client payed extra, and everything Ruby's mom earned more than enough she spent to buy Ruby some new clothes, a pair of shoes from time to time, and once she participated in an anal gangbang, earning her enough for a backpack towards Ruby's college education, if they ever are lucky enough to earn enough for. Not a single thing Ruby's mom bought for herself, just a couple of bread slices and some water. Medicine was expensive and Ruby deserved a better life than this.
"Hey mom, what the fuck is that?" Ruby pointed at the window. On the sky far away, there were some black balls coming closer and closer.
Ruby's mom remembered an old legend she heard at a young age. Once every fifty thousand years, Giant Spaceballs from another galaxy attack and kill every single living being, to make space for new civilizations.
"Oh shit…" Ruby's mom whispered. "It's just as the legend said… Giant Spaceballs! They're here to kill us all!"
"You're shitting me!" Ruby shouted and ran out to the street. The sky above was full of ominous Giant Spaceballs, casting shadow all over the city.
Ruby ran back inside.
"Mom! What do we do?!" Ruby panicked. "I don't want to die in some shitty fucking shitpost fanfic! This isn't Mass Effect!"
Ruby's mom was not able to answer, because she was too terrified.
"Ruby, run." She whispered. "Run and save yourself. I'm gonna be right behind…"
"NO!" Ruby bitchslapped mom. "Are you kidding?! You're the one who taught me to never give up! You're the one who taught me every technique I know!"
Ruby started crying, while the entire city was being burned to the ground by the Space Balls.
"How can I become a Hokage if I can't even save my mom?!" Ruby cried even more.
"Ruby…" Ruby's mom grabbed Ruby's face gently. "You will become Hokage, I'm sure of it. But you need to live!"
"But what's the point of becoming Hokage if you won't be there to see it?!"
Then, a Giant fucking Spaceball came down from the sky and destroyed their shack.
"RUN, CHILD!" Ruby's mom grabbed Ruby and threw it out of the shack with the last magic power she had.
Ruby landed and immediately went back to their shack.
"Fuck you mom, I'm not letting you die!" Ruby grabbed her mom and ran away from the city. The Space Balls didn't notice her, because they were too busy abducting people and using their built-in tentacles to do unspeakable things to everyone's asses.
Ruby reached a forest somehow and she let her mom rest a little.
"Ruby… I can't go with you…" she said quietly. "I don't have much time left, and I don't want to be a burden… you have to live and become the Pirate King!"
"No way mom." Ruby said. "I will defeat those Spaceballs and become the best Shinigami in the entire continent of Fiore."
"And how are you going to do that, huh?!" Ruby's mom got angry. "With your shitty little magic? With a fucking fireblast, 10 dmg to target enemy, rank 1 not upgraded even once, that you barely even learned?"
"That's why you're a dumb fuck, and I'm smart, mom." Ruby smirked. "I've got this bitch with me."
Ruby then took out a creepy book from her backpack.
"The fuck is this?" Mom asked.
"I found it on a graveyard like two years ago and kept it as a toy, but I think now it's time to finally use it properly." Ruby replied. "It's a book called 'How to summon Satan 101', and I believe it will help us defeat the aliens."
Ruby's mom fainted due to the loss of oxygen.
Ruby grabbed her mom's hand tightly.
"I promise you, mom." She said. "I'm gonna be the number 1 hero in the world… trust me."
Ruby then got up and opened the book. The instructions were pretty clear.
"OH SATAN, Please come and devour those Space Balls! As a sacrifice, I offer you my ASS!"
Then Satan came and destroyed Ruby's ass. Then he went to the city and destroyed the Space Balls, and the city too, oops.
"Mom, look!" Ruby crawled up to her mom. Her ass was too devastated for her to walk.
Her mom didn't reply. She just smiled a little and let out her last breath.
"MOM!" Ruby screamed and cried.
Then Satan, who was just 'playing' with some people he found, heard Ruby's cry.
"Yo bitch, what the fuck you crying about?" He asked. "I killed those niggas, shouldn't you be happy?"
Ruby then turned around to face Satan.
"My mom… she's dead! My life has no meaning anymore! All I wanted was to impress her, so she could see me become the best Pokemon Trainer in the entire…
"Alright, alright, shut the fuck up for a second." Satan reached into his pocket. "I think I had just the shit for a situation like this… there we go!"
Satan took out a hellish black joint.
"Put it in your mom's mouth… hehehehe… sorry. Then light it up. Have your mom be filled with the demonic power of the finest fucking weed in the universe."
Ruby did as she was told, and suddenly, her mom woke up.
"MOM!" Ruby jumped and hugged her mom.
"What the fuck… I thought I was dead, but… I'm feeling better than ever!" Mom replied.
"It's all thanks to Satan!" Ruby looked at Satan, who was currently scratching his dick with a tree.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Satan replied, blushing a little, uwu. "I have a shitton of that stuff where I'm from so it's not a big deal."
Then Ruby approached Satan and hugged him.
"Thank you Satan!" Ruby smiled owo. "I hope we see each other again someday!"
Satan pushed Ruby away.
"Sorry girl. You can summon me only once every one hundred million years, and I don't think you're gonna be around for that long."
"Oh. I see." Ruby said, sadly :c
"Hey." Satan pat her on the back, almost breaking her spine. "Remember, when you die, you can always go to hell. We've got so much fucking weed in that motherfucker… And all food is free. I will remember you. Okay?"
Satan smiled, and Ruby and her mom smiled back.
"Well, time to go." Satan corrected his balls in his pants and opened a portal to hell.
Ruby stopped him by grabbing his pants, cuz she couldn't reach his back.
"Wait." Ruby said. "Maybe… we can just go with you right away?"
Ruby's mom put her hand on Ruby's shoulder.
"My child… what about your dream of becoming the best hunter in the world? Or was it something else… I don't fucking know…"
Ruby clenched her teeth, thinking about all of that.
"I don't fucking care anymore." Ruby replied. "I just want you to be happy, mom. We can just go to hell with Satan, and…"
Satan raised his hand and shook his head.
"No, Ruby." He said. "Your mom is right. You still have unfinished business on this side."
"But… Satan!"
Satan smiled gently. "Don't make hasty decisions. You would regret it later."
Satan stepped one foot into the portal.
"I'll be waiting in hell, Ruby, and Ruby's mom." He said, while putting a joint in his mouth, lighting it up. "And I want to welcome you, Ruby, as the Hokage, Pirate King, or whatever it is you wanted to become. Don't make me repeat myself. Alright?"
Satan winked at Ruby, making her a little more comfortable.
"Yes." She said. "Wait for me. And don't you dare forget about me there!"
Satan chuckled. "Heh… No way I'm gonna forget such a crazy fucking girl. See you, when it's time…"
Satan disappeared in the portal, and Ruby turned to her mom, to hug her again. Through tears she told her how much she loves playing Garry's Mod single player mode, and mom was like 'what the fuck are you talking about?', but Ruby simply replied with 'you wouldn't understand'.
Ruby and her mom travelled far away from that place, to find someone who could train Ruby, so that she could become the best meister and be able to create the best death's weapon in the world. Ruby kept the Satan summoning book as a memento, to always remember. Together with her mother, they spent their life adventuring, making friends and visiting new places, and for the first time in her life, Ruby's mom could enjoy a meal that consisted of more than just a few bread slices and water.
Satan was waiting a long time, but when Ruby's life came to a close, he and Ruby's mom welcomed her as the Hero of Dominaria she promised to become. From then on, they were always together, and with an unlimited stock of weed and fried chicken, their lives couldn't be better.
THE END
U right now: ಠ_ಠ
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