Worse
by Bil!
Summary: Grief can't last forever, even if you think it should.
Season: 4
Spoilers: Lifeline.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I wouldn't have gotten rid of her.
A/N: Hinted John/Elizabeth. Post Lifeline fic (yes, another one).
It was strange how the world went on without her. Elizabeth had been the driving force behind Atlantis for as long as John had known the city and it seemed insane that, five moons aside, the city could go on as normal without her around. Normal-ish, that was; it was hardly normal with the grief on nearly every face and people dissolving into tears in the corridors while they all drowned in the urgent repairs that were the result of Atlantis's eventful journey. While they tried to pretend they weren't flailing around helplessly without their leader. Yet life went on. Somehow.
John buried himself in his work and tried to believe that his world hadn't ended even as it felt like it had. It wasn't worth saving Atlantis if they couldn't save Elizabeth too because it didn't feel like Atlantis without her. But time passed. Seconds ticked into minutes which became hours which merged into days, carrying them onwards, carrying them away from the fatal moment when their world came crashing down.
And then...
It got easier. That was the worst thing, the very worst thing. It shouldn't have been the worst thing, but it was, oh how it was. Worse than the guilt and the nightmares, worse than the sleepless nights and the drowning sense of loss. Worse even than sitting in the puddlejumper in the Apollo's hangar with Elizabeth's voice ringing in his ears and the knowledge sitting lead-like in his stomach that he'd left her behind. That he'd failed her.
Worse than any of that was the day when John realised he could laugh and it didn't feel like a betrayal of her. When he realised that although he missed her he no longer longed for her presence like the ache of a missing limb. When he discovered that, even without her in it, he could like his life.
She'd been an irreplaceable part of his world, she'd made him whole again, given him Atlantis and trust and friendship. He'd tucked her into his soul because he couldn't take her into his arms... and now somehow he was whole again even though she'd been torn away. It didn't seem possible, it couldn't be possible, and yet it was true.
The worst day of his life was when he realised he could live without her.
Fin