A/N: Hey all, so this was the first ever fanfiction I wrote. It is not meant to be taken seriously, PURE CRACK!FIC. I used the most pretentious words and phrases I could find to add to the general CRACK!ness. This was just a fun way to vent about how annoying I find Bella Swan. If you don't like Bella bashing or Edward/Jacob shipping, this fic is NOT for you. Consider yourself warned.

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Twilight Saga or any of the characters used. That right goes to Stephanie Meyer. I merely borrowed them to play with.

Gayping Dawn

The day my heart broke, Edward and I were having a picnic in the most magical place in Forks. It was the place where Edward had taken me during his attempt to share the perks of being a vampire. It was the place where Laurent tried to kill me before being torn apart by the Quileute wolves. We were in our secret meadow, basking in the rare and very welcome sunshine.

The sun felt amazing on my skin. Although I loved Forks, I had desperately missed the blazing sun back in Arizona. Not only was the sun wonderfully warm, it allowed me to experience the long overdue luxury of seeing Edward without a shirt on.

Edward was undoubtedly the most gorgeous being in existence but living in the rain-sodden town that we did, it was a miracle I ever got to see the full extent of it. Aside from the fact that the sun only showed up for, like, a day a year, Edward was a prude who refused to consider doing anything that could POSSIBLY be considered "ungentlemanly" with me. The most we had ever done was kiss. Don't get me wrong, he was a mind-blowingly good kisser, but as soon as things started heating up he always broke away.

Once, I started undressing during a particularly hot make out session. He ran from the room at vampire speed and silently brooded for two days. Yes, I knew that as a 117 year old vampire Edward had very old fashioned ideas on dating and sex but come on! Regardless of his actual body temperature he had a smoking hot body and I just wanted what I thought was my due as his girlfriend. With all these thoughts running through my head, my eyes never left the object of my inner frustration and passion.

Edward was lying down with his arms behind his head. He glittered like a thousand diamonds in the sunlight. His sparkle made the beautiful flowers seem dull in comparison. As a vampire, Edward had his own special quirks. Sparkling in the sun for one. Another was that he could remain perfectly still for an indefinite amount of time. Carlisle had told me that if left alone, a vampire could stay in the same position, stock still, for decades.

However, his present demeanor was definitely not still, or calm. He was agitated. He kept fidgeting with his collar and his sleeves.

We had been sitting in companionable silence until now, him looking at the clouds while I hungrily looked at him. With a clearing of his throat, Edward broke the silence.

"Bella, we need to talk."

Now, I had watched enough movies to know that those words never boded well, especially coming from your boyfriend. They usually came just before a cheesy break-up scene. However, Edward was not your typical boyfriend and we weren't in a movie. Although Edward was definitely hot enough to be in one. I would so watch a movie with Edward in. My eyes went glassy as I pictured Edward in a movie. He would play the gorgeous male lead, obviously.

Edward sighed, bringing me back down to earth.

"Bella, you know that I have an insatiable appetite for blood."

I nodded slowly, showing I was listening.

"Well, I need to tell you that…." He paused, trying to find the right words.

"I…I have an insatiable appetite for love as well. I thought you could quench my thirst for love, if not blood. It seems that I was wrong."

His words…..they didn't make sense. I tried to speak, but for some reason I couldn't get the words out. Finally I found my voice.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a choked whisper.

Edward raised his eyes to mine. "Bella, you… smell so great and I will always cherish the times I nearly ate you, but," Edward seemed to be gaining confidence now, "I have found my soulmate. He is my exact opposite in every way and I have come to realise that the loathing I thought I felt for him… it's love Bella!"

I could barely hear him over the buzzing in my head but then what he said sank in.

"Wait a minute," I said, bewildered. "He? Him? What are you talking about?"

Edward looked at me, exasperated. "Don't you understand? I'm in love with a man. A guy. A dude. And not just any dude. He is the most handsome, sexy dude in the whole universe!"

At that moment, Jacob burst into the clearing. "Did I hear someone talking about me?" He asked, swaggering up to us. I didn't understand what was happening here but seeing Jacob immediately put me at ease. I knew I could count on Jacob to help me, even when he didn't agree with me.

"Edward was telling me he's in love with someone else Jake" I said, expecting Jacob to shout at Edward, or at the very least give him one of his legendary murderous looks. Instead, Jake, my Jake, stood there grinning and said "Yeah Bells, he's finally over you".

Wait, what?

"I don't understand" I said, staring at him, "You're supposed to stand up for me".

Jacob laughed. "Yeah, well, I'm sick and tired of your 'Me, me, me' attitude." Jake started talking in a high falsetto voice. "'Oh, Edward is so gorgeous, he can't possibly like poor old me! Oh Edward actually likes me what do I do, oh no oh no oh no!' Like seriously Bella, take a chill pill! Time to think about what I want. And guess what? What I want is this gorgeous angel of a ma- uh, vampire" Jacob said. He smirked and winked sexily at Edward, who did something I had never thought possible for the uptight vampire. He flexed his perfectly sculpted abs!

I was so confused. Why was Edward..flexing? And Jake… And then it clicked.

"You're…gay?"

Edward looked put out. "Well, I PREFER sensitive to men."

"But gay is fine" Jacob said, still grinning.

Edward pouted and looked at Jacob. "Honey, I know that gay is a perfectly acceptable term nowadays but when I was growing up gay was synonymous with outcast or freak. PLEASE don't use that word".

Jake nodded, looking shamefaced. "Of course Eddy, I wasn't thinking. Forgive me?"

"Wait, you're dumping me for ….Jake?" I said, interrupting the completely bizarre and nonsensical conversation. How could he be dumping me? And for Jacob?!

Jacob looked at Edward. "Wow, she's SLOW. Were you dropped on your head as a baby, Bella?" he asked, directing a completely unconvincing look of concern my way.

"No I was NOT!" I shrieked. The utter confusion and numb disbelief had finally started giving way to a raging fury I had never felt before.

Edward chuckled. "Actually Bella, that is not quite true. The first time Charlie tried to hold you, he got so scared that you fell right out of his shaking arms."

"WHAT!" Jake spluttered, unable to hold back his laughter. I was somewhat less than amused. Shaking with fury, I rounded on the wolf boy. "How dare you? How DARE you laugh at Charlie! And YOU!" I yelled, turning to Edward, "How dare you blatantly disregard his privacy and listen in on what must have been a deep, shameful memory for him! You're no better than a thief, or a peeping Tom! Rooting around in people's heads like a...a worm!"

Edward looked at Jacob. "Funny, she didn't feel like that when she thought I was dating her."

Jake rolled his eyes. "Well obviously. What did you see in her?" he asked, looking at me with barely veiled disgust.

"No idea, darling. I was so blinded by what others expected of me that I tricked myself into believing SHE was my destined mate." replied Edward. He held his hand out to Jacob. "But no more. I am done living a lie. Shall we?"

"Let's leave this broken-hearted, whiny little bitch in our dust babe" Jacob said as he took Edwards hand.

"Language, Jake" Edward said, trying to look stern.

"Sorry" Jacob apologised, not looking very sorry at all. "You gotta admit though, it's a fitting description". They started walking away.

"Goodbye Bella" Edward said over his shoulder. "We will be in contact with you soon".

I stared at them open mouthed. Did Jake really feel that way about me? And Edward?

"Wait, why?" I asked.

"To erase your memories of course" Edward said. He stopped and half-turned around. "We can't allow you to wander around telling everyone what you know". He looked at me as if I should have known this.

"Aww, hon, do we have to?" Jacob whined, staring at Edward with brown puppy dog eyes. "There won't really be a point to flaunting our relationship in front of her if she doesn't know who we are." Edward sighed. "Well I suppose …. She wound have to promise not to say anything…" He looked doubtfully at me. Suddenly his face lit up. "I have the perfect solution! A way we can ensure her silence and still rub our relationship in her face! That's what you want, right Jakey?" he asked, turning to his boyfriend.

"Defs, Eddy," Jacob nodded, "but how is that possible?"

"Well, first you have to say yes." Edward said, looking gravely serious all of a sudden.

"Say yes? What do you...?" Jacob's questioning trailed away as Edward put a finger gently against his wolf's lips.

"Jake, you are an amazing, gorgeous man who I have loved since the moment we met. I may not have been willing to admit it to myself at first but now…" Edward paused as he drew out from his pocket a black satin box.

"Oh," I gasped as he slid down onto one knee. He barely spared me a glance as he looked into Jacob's eyes.

"Jacob Black … I promise to love you forever – every single day of forever. Will you marry me?"

Jacob stared at Edward in amazement. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly. Finally he managed a soft "Yes". Edwards face shone with unspoken joy as he took the ring, which I recognised as his mothers, and placed it in Jacob's palm.

"This was my mothers. I know it will not fit, but I want you to have it anyway. She always wanted me to find my true love, so who better to own it?"

Jacob drew Edward up, so they were standing eye to eye. "It's wonderful," he whispered as his hand gently cupped the vampire's cheek, "you're wonderful. I love you." With that, the wolf kissed Edward.

"….." I tried to form words but a strange cloud seemed to be taking up residence in my head. My vision went dark. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was Jacob's hand running through Edward's bronze, sun-kissed hair.

I opened my eyes, blinking in the bright sunlight that seemed to be everywhere. That's strange, I thought as I tried to shield my face from the fierce onslaught, since when did my room have a sky light? Why can't I move my arms? What..? I turned my head to the side, searching for some relief form the harsh light. As my eyes adjusted, I saw that I wasn't in my bedroom. In fact, I wasn't inside at all. Unless someone had found a way to grow trees in their living room, I was somewhere in the forest. Green leaves swayed in the gentle breeze, the ancient trees, tall and majestic, surrounded me. Fire flies danced among them. Wait, fireflies?

I squinted, trying to see past the sun in my eyes. Suddenly I noticed blurred shapes moving among the trees. I wasn't alone! I struggled to move, to speak, to call out, but my body refused to obey me. My limbs barely moved and all that came out of my throat was a quiet "hnggh". Astonishingly, the shapes seemed to hear me. A few of them came closer and closer.

Edward! It was Edward! And Alice! And … and Jacob! I sighed in relief. They could help me figure out why I couldn't move. As they got closer, I noticed that Jacob was smiling. Of course, that wasn't strange, as he always smiled at me. No, what was strange was that he wasn't smiling at me. He kept glancing over at Edward and grinning like….! My head spun as I remembered what had happened in the meadow, why I had fainted. Edward and…. and Jake…they... Angry tears escaped my eyes as I started to thrash around wildly. I wanted to slap that stupid, besotted grin off my supposed best friend's face.

"Bella! Bella! Please calm down, stop struggling, please!" Edward leaned over me, a worried frown replacing the smile on his face. For one, fleeting moment I thought he was going to hug me, tell it was alright, it was just a dream. My heart broke all over again when the words he said were "Please stop crying! You're ruining the tablecloth!" I tried to breathe. Tears streamed down my face. Edward didn't love me. All his declarations of love, of needing to be near me even though it was pure torture, it was all a lie! He loved… he loved... Wait, did he say tablecloth?!

I stopped struggling and looked down, trying to see what I was lying on. What I thought was a bed was actually a long, wooden table with an absolutely gorgeous white tablecloth. The sun had gone behind the trees and what I now saw were fairy lights allowed me to finally see why I couldn't move. My wrists, ankles and torso had been attached to the table with thick white restraints. Were those... handcuffs?! White handcuffs?!

"Bella, honey, I know this must be confusing for you" Alice said, her light, soft voice calm and soothing. "You have to calm down, okay? Can you do that?" she looked at me, her dark amber eyes solemn. I nodded shakily. A serious Alice was scarier than any handcuffs.

"Oh come on Alice, I like watching her freak out!" Jacob gave Alice a sad look. "It doesn't matter if she's calm or not does it? I mean, with Edward's plan she's kind of a non-entity at this point. Now that we're married, we can get down to business." This last was aimed at Edward, who nodded. "Jake's right, she can't get loose, so why not let her struggle? I do so love watching futility in motion."

They got married?! How long was I out? I started freaking out again.

Alice hadn't taken her eyes off me while the other two talked to her. She tilted her head, as if she was looking at some strange new phenomenon that she wanted to understand. "Eddy, Jake, I know you both have unresolved feelings of frustration and annoyance towards Bella, but perhaps this is a bit much?"

Edward and Jacob both shook their head at the same time. "No, it is many things Alice, but it is not 'a bit much'. And I have something to confess," Edward continued, looking Alice in the eye, "this plan comes from the mind of another. This person has allowed me to access her mind and see the truth of the matter. She is a wise and noble being whose plans I shall be honoured to carry out. She calls herself RegalReader2405. ALL HAIL REGALREADER2405!" this last statement he shouted to the sky. "ALL HAIL THE AUTHOR!" Jacob and Alice echoed him, raising up their arms to the sky. "Aww, shucks," a faraway voice said. "You guys are so sweet. Please, continue with your holy mission."

" Now," Edward walked over the other side of the table and reached below it, "may I continue?" He stood up, holding a strange looking object in his hands.

Alice sighed, finally looking at Edward. "Yes, you may. I see now that this is the best possible future, the only one that we all are alive and happy in. You understand why I had to be sure, though?" she asked her brother.

Edward nodded. "I understand. But this is the only way we can be happy."

He walked around the table until he stood by my head. I tried, yet again, to ask him what was going on, but what I now understood was a gag prevented me from talking. "Unnnghh!"

"Shh, Bella," Edward whispered, "don't interrupt." He removed the gag.

Edward held the object out over my body.

"Isabella Marie Swan," his voice rang out clear and cold, "you have been judged in the eyes of man, vampire and wolf. The universe craves justice. A higher power has told me what must be done. For being the most annoying, self-centred and highly irrational woman we have ever met in our entire lives, you have been judged guilty. The price," he uncovered the object and raised it above his head, one end over my heart, "is death!" He brought the gleaming sword down with all his might.

I screamed.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it!