Disclaimer: see my profile
A/n this one shot was inspired by a song I heard on the radio a few days ago. It's something an old seventies band did and it's also called "So Long," you can probably find it on You Tube. The name of the band is FireFall.
So Long
It's magic tonight, Emily thought as she danced with Reid. She couldn't stop smiling as he swung her around the dance floor. Who knew he could move like this.
From the expressions on the rest of the team's faces, they were just as surprised. How is it that I didn't know this about him?
You never bothered to ask.
Her smile wavered a bit, as he pulled her back in from a spin. His eyes sparkled and he grinned in a way she'd never seen in the office. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest and the blood in her veins felt like chilled ice water despite her exertion.
How do I say I'm leaving? Again.
They danced by JJ and Will, who resembled what they were, a couple deeply, madly, truly in love. They were their own little family, together now for the rest of their lives. A sudden pang of jealously smote her so hard, she almost lost her grip on Reid's hand as he'd spun her out again.
The ebony sky, the trees, and the moon became a blur for a minute and she almost lost her balance, but then he pulled her back and she was right on her feet again.
"What's wrong?"
His smile faltered a bit as he studied her expression.
"It's nothing. I'm just a little dizzy. I had no idea you could dance like this."
"There are many things you don't know about me."
She almost stopped in her tracks at his tone. He knows.
Rossi and Strauss passed them, and Reid chuckled. He returned to his exuberant dance moves, executing a few complicated steps that had her struggling to keep up. She began to laugh like she hadn't laughed in months.
"What's so funny?"
"I guess it's just the night," she hedged as he twirled her again. "I'm happy we're all here and safe."
"Yes."
That same expression in his eyes changed her blood to ice again. She almost opened her mouth, but the music changed and Rossi deftly cut in. She went with him without protest, and then to Hotch and Morgan. By the time she was back in Reid's arms, he was grinning again
"Henry's the best."
He said it with such obivous pride, she nearly believed that Henry was Reid's child rather than his god son. She glanced over at the boy, who was in JJ's arms, and nodded.
"Yes, he is rather extraordinary, especially after his ordeal."
She put her head on Reid's shoulder because the music was slow. She breathed in the perfume of all the flowers Rossi had arranged, and the scent of the buffet table along with Reid, who always carried the faintest whiff of coffee around with him like a second skin.
"You look nice," she blurted out after a few sweet moments of just swaying there in his arms.
It was so hard, this saying goodbye, not like it was with the rest of the team. They'd never been lovers, but there was something special between her and Reid, a bond that wasn't easily severed - tattered nearly to ribbons - by her betrayal, but not broken.
It will be when you leave.
"Rossi said I had to wear a tuxedo or I'd be barred at the door," Reid was saying.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, can't wait to get back into my regular clothes," he said.
"Well, before you do that, can we go somewhere for coffee when the party's over? I'd like to talk to you."
He stopped and looked her directly in the eye as the others danced around them, oblivious to the new tension that thickened the air like syrup.
"What is it?"
He wasn't smiling anymore.
"Please, Reid, can we just have coffee? I don't want to do this here."
He shrugged. "Sure, anything you want."
They finished the dance, but now she felt as awkward in his arms as Garcia looked with Kevin. Her desire for a wicked laugh at their expense dried up and blew away like sand on the deserted streets of an Arizona ghost town. It wasn't so funny when the shoe was on the other foot.
CMCM
Reid surprised her by suggesting that they go to his place for coffee. In all the years they'd known each other, she'd never seen the inside of his apartment. It was exactly what she expected in some ways, and completely the opposite in other ways. In fact, she'd expected it to be packed with books, but it wasn't, she discovered.
He indicated to her to precede him into the tiny entryway, tiled with cream and beige squares that were so shiny she could nearly see her face in the floor. She felt the almost irresistible urge to kick off her shoes, so as not to soil the floor, but he didn't seem to care if she did.
To her left was his living area, with walls painted light blue and one couch that looked twice as long as needed to be, to accommodate his height. On the coffee table were a stack of books, one had a white piece of paper stuck under the top cover.
"Emily?"
She flicked her eyes right to see him staring at her. "Sorry, I was just wondering why you don't have more books than that stack."
His eyes widened a bit. "It's all up here," he tapped his forehead. "There's no need for me to keep books that I've already read. It's a waste of space."
"Right, of course, what was I thinking?"
Her hands shook so she kept them fisted at her sides as he passed her and headed through a doorway to a small kitchen with hawthorn yellow walls and more tiles, this time yellow and white, on the floor. It was astringently neat, just like the living room.
Reid went to a coffee machine that stood in a place of honor on the counter and began making a pot of his favorite drink.
She couldn't think of anything to say, so she went to the small, round kitchen table with two matching chairs at either end, pulled one out and sat down. There was a clock on the wall opposite Reid and it read just after one am.
Her eyes kept straying back to Reid as he worked quietly at the counter. He truly did fill out that tuxedo in a way she'd never imagined and it awakened butterflies in her stomach, so she stared at his refrigerator, until he came back to the table.
"That'll be ready in a few minutes," he gestured back over his shoulder to the hissing coffee maker.
"Fine," she said stiffly.
"Emily, I know why you wanted to speak to me."
How does he know?
She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know what you think -"
"You're leaving."
She met his eyes with wrenching difficulty. They weren't twinkling anymore. They were just sad, and knowing. "How did you know?"
"I've known since you came back, that you weren't happy, Emily."
"But how -"
He got up and went back to the coffee pot. "Do you really need to ask?"
Her smile was rueful, "Yes, of course, profiler."
"I guess you're not very good at managing your micro-expressions, or I should say you're not as good at it as JJ is, apparently."
"Reid, I never meant to hurt you."
He still had his back to her as he reached for two black, thick handled mugs hanging from a tree to the right of the coffee maker. "I'm not angry about your death anymore," he said as he went to the refrigerator. "If I were still furious after a year, you'd have every right to say, 'get over it, Reid,' but I'm not furious. I got over my anger a long time ago."
"Something's still bothering you, or you wouldn't be telling me this," Emily pointed out while hiding her trembling hands under the table.
Reid's shoulders slumped as poured out the first cup from the pot and added a little cream. "What's bothering me is that you want to run back into the lion's den after all Ian Doyle put this team through for months."
He punctuated by slamming the empty cup on the counter. "I can't believe you've decided to go back to Interpol after everything Doyle did to destroy us. Are you crazy or do you have a death wish?"
"I'm going to run the office, not go into the field."
Reid snorted, and he added sugar to his cup, as if his very life depended on the sugary concoction.
"Right, like Hotch never goes into the field. You know as well as I do that you can't stay out of the action. You might not be happy here, but sooner or later you'll put yourself in danger again."
"Reid that's not -"
"At least this time," he went on as if he didn't hear her, "if you run afoul of the wrong man, you won't put us in danger."
"Stop it!"
Her fingernails dug into the skin of her palms, and the bright pain added to the agony in her head.
"This isn't about you," she raged. "I made this decision based on the fact that I need a change."
He finally faced her, but he didn't join her at the table. He stood in the little corner where the countertops met. "You came to DC because of Declan. You wanted to make sure he was okay. I can understand that. There's no reason for you to be here anymore. I understand that too. What I don't understand is why you came back, if you've been thinking about leaving again. You could have said goodbye last fall. Instead, you decide to stay, and we all get attached again after learning to live without you."
"I'm not leaving because of you."
"I didn't say you were," he answered reasonably. "I get that our lives change, that nothing is static."
Her hands relaxed a little as his posture changed and his tone even out a bit. He took a sip of coffee and joined her at the table.
"Did I ever tell you that after my experience in Georgia, I thought long and hard about just leaving one day, going to Atlantic City where I'm not banned from the casinos? I could win a few million in a high stakes poker tournament and just go wherever I wanted. It was so tempting. What was the incentive for me to stay, I thought. I'd been kidnapped, tortured, clinically dead, and forcibly addicted to a dangerous drug. It would have been easy to leave the way Gideon did."
She put her hands around the cup he'd finally brought over to her. Its warmth heated some of her blood as she clenched it like it might fly away.
"I'm glad you didn't leave."
He smiled; his lips thin and tight. "I wanted to help people, and I didn't want to leave my family."
She looked down at the steam rising from the cup because she couldn't bear to look into his eyes. "I wish -"
"Don't say it," his words whipped her like a leather strap across her back. "It's too late for that, Emily."
"Reid, someday you'll -"
He jumped to his feet and went back to his corner. "Don't say that someday I'll find someone. It's been made abundantly clear to me that women don't find me attractive. I'm okay for a friend or confidant, but that's all."
"What happened, Reid?"
He waved a hand at her. "It's not important and I don't want to taint your perception of a friend."
Morgan!
"What did Morgan say to you this time, and why are you taking it seriously?"
This time Reid's smile was bitter. "If only it had been Morgan, it wouldn't have stung so much. At least I know not to take him seriously."
"Did JJ say something?"
"No, it wasn't JJ. I really don't-"
"It was Garcia."
How could Garcia say something like that to her sweet cheeks? It didn't make sense. Irritation finished reheating her blood, and her hands made fists again in her lap. She forgot her coffee, and it seemed that Reid had forgotten his too, which was a first.
"What did she say?"
"We were at the sci-fi convention. We ran into Kevin with another girl. Garcia was upset, so I made the comment that she was there with another guy and she said "Yeah, one I couldn't possibly be sexually attracted too."
"Oh, Reid, she was just upset. She didn't mean anything by it."
He dropped back in his chair, slumped over like weight of the world lay on his shoulders. "She was right," he said as though he didn't hear her. "I went out with JJ, and that was a disaster. I had such a crush on her, and, well, I don't want to rehash it now."
"Well, I'm sure that -"
"I never kissed anyone until I kissed Lila Archer. I tried to convince myself that she liked me, but that didn't work out."
"Come on Reid, it was long distance and -"
"I guess that's the excuse for Austin too. I thought she liked me, but we talked a couple of times and then we lost touch. I just don't know how to talk to women. My mother told me once that when I was ready, the right one would come along. I thought I was ready, but I guess I'm not."
"Reid, listen to me. I'm sorry I never felt the way about you that you feel about me. I wanted to so badly. You're a kind, gentle, sweet man who's been through more than I can imagine. I just couldn't love you the way you wanted me to. Your mother was right, you'll find someone and she'll be -"
"I don't want to hear it."
"We need to talk about this," she said.
"I don't want to talk anymore. You're leaving. I'm not happy about it, but I'll get over it. At least this time, it'll be easier. You see, I don't love you the way I did a year ago. You're still my friend, but it's different now."
The relief that coursed through her shamed her to her bones. Oh, why couldn't she have loved him the way he wanted? It would've made things so much easier.
"The last time you left," he was saying. "I cried on JJ's shoulder for a couple of months, then the hurt lessened and I no longer felt like my life was over. Then you came back and I was so angry that I finally got over my feelings. I still care about you, but as a friend. So, you can go and not feel guilty. I'm going to be fine."
She felt lightheaded and sick to her stomach. Suddenly, she didn't want to leave him behind. It was as though Fate had decided to play the cruelest of jokes on her because after five years, she knew for sure that she loved him, but she couldn't say it now. He wouldn't believe it and he'd hate her for it. Relief at leaving had turned to despair because there was no turning back now.
"I promise -"
He stopped her again with a look. "Don't say we'll keep in touch Emily. You'll write emails and you might even call a few times, but your life will take over and soon you'll forget about all of us and that will be that."
Oh, he was so wrong. She'd never forget his eyes. Why did she ever think she could in the first place?
"I hope that's not true," she said.
"It's just a fact. People always say they'll stay in touch and unless there's some kind of iron bond between them, they never do. After all," he said with a shrug. "You and I are only teammates and friends."
"Yes," she agreed through numb lips. "You're probably right."
"It's okay," he said. "I just hope that when they replace you, it's a man this time or if it's a woman, she's married, or even a lesbian. Then I won't be tempted or hurt."
She found herself nodding to him. "Yes, I guess you're right. Um, I should be going. I'll see you on Monday."
He waved her off distractedly, so she saw herself to the door as fast as she could. She would arrange to leave for London as soon as possible. There was nothing to hold her here now. It was too late to fix the mess she'd made of her relationship with Reid. Her chest ached, and for the first time since just before Ian Doyle had nearly killed her, she wept.