Standard Disclaimers apply
------------------------------
Title: Honestly Don't Know
It was only a week ago, when she asked me that question. She never expected any reply, I knew that, but until now, I still think about it...trying to find some answer, any answer. To satisfy myself, I suppose. But it's amazingly hard for me to respond to that question. The answer's just meant to be either 'yes' or 'no', but yet... Argh.
I asked the other three as well. But their reactions were so unhelpful. Yohji gave me a nonchalant laugh and carried on flirting with the new girl who just moved in across the road. Ken frowned a bit but never answered. After that, he seemed to be thinking about the question, but he never told me what he thought. I don't think he'd ever tell me even if I persisted. Aya...well, he hardly cared any more than Yohji did. Surprisingly, he did respond, though. He said something like, "Revenge. That is all I want." But it's different for me, isn't it? I don't know...it's so confusing. I wish I had never met her.
I really wish I had never let that woman see me.
* * *
I was completing another mission. A minor one, of course, otherwise Aya would have been entirely in-charge. I was only supposed to wait at the alley right behind some nightclub. A powerful but corrupted politician was meant to emerge from the backdoor, and my job was to 'finish him off'.
I did all that. Everything went on smoothly, except for her. I have no idea what she was doing there, and I never asked, but I guess it doesn't matter now.
She was a middle-aged woman, and was married too. Man..I don't even know her name. Anyway, she saw the whole thing. I can't believe how I was so careless, I forgot to check for the absence of passers-by. When my dart was shot through the politician's heart, I saw her.
Her eyes widened and obviously, she was shocked. I was stunned, too. No one told me what I was supposed to do in case other people saw me killing someone. So the both of us just stood there. Staring at each other, no one daring to move.
Finally, I managed to blurt out the most pathetic excuse. Stammering slightly, I told her, "It's not what...what you think. I...I can explain everything."
She did take my word for it, though, probably seeing me as such a 'young-looking boy'. I'm 17, but everyone just keeps treating me like a child. Oh heck.
So I ended up sitting next to her, somewhere, I don't remember. She was still unsure of what to do, I could see it in her face. I tried to explain, although in fact, I was doing nothing but clouding the truth even more. Her expression grew more and more confused, and I gave up. I just told her the truth. Well, most of it.
"....I'm sorry you had to see that. But that's why I had to kill him. Please believe me. I'm sorry."
She gave me silence again. After a minute or two, however, she cleared her throat and looked at me.
"Do you...do you do this very often?"
"Well...if you're talking about me only, then, no... You see, there are others who do what I do. And, erm, yeah, sometimes, they do the job, instead of me. You know what I mean?"
"So...to you it's a [job]? Don't you have to go to school?"
I had trouble replying. What could I say? That I went to school, worked at a flower shop, but was an assassin at night? I was already fumbling over my words. All I said was...
"I do go to school."
And she still had to be persistent about that matter.
"Is it a job to you? And your [friends]?"
"... ....yeah, kind of, I think."
Unbelievably, she remained calm when she continued with her argument.
"I am a mother of two kids. And they're about the same age as you. They don't do what you do. They play basketball, they watch television, they go out with their friends to watch movies, they have piano lessons, they go to school, just like you, but they...they don't kill people. Don't you even know that killing is a crime? Murder is a crime. Do you know that? What do your parents think? Do they know about you doing all this?"
I felt very uneasy talking to her. She was making everything difficult, even though it was so clear.
"...I don't have parents. I kill [bad] people. The [bad guys]. It's not for fun."
"Those people you kill...they may be so-called bad, but they have families too. And their relatives, their children, their wives, their husbands....all of them may not be as bad as the person you killed. Don't you think about their feelings? It would be heart-breaking for them to know that their loved one has left them. Do you consider that when you kill them? Do you think about it?"
This time, I gave her silence. I still tried to justify Weiß's actions, though. I was like a fish struggling in a net. Struggling in vain. For nothing.
"...no, you've got it wrong... We don't kill because of personal reasons. It's to help everyone! These people are bad! They kill people too... If we don't kill them, they will hurt more people. We can't just let them do that..."
Again, she fired at me. Her words were harsh, even though she never raised her voice.
"So you don't care, then? You say you help everyone, but who is [everyone]? Us? The public? We probably don't even know these so-called bad people exist. Let the police take care of all this. You're still young... Their blood on your hands. Forever. Just killing like this..."
And that question came. Hurled at me like it was a gigantic mountain.
"..is that what you really want?"
Silence ruled again, but this time, it was never broken. She shook her head and walked away. She saw right through me, knowing I could never answer, knowing I would never be able to kill her. She knew it all. And I knew nothing.
I know nothing.
* * *
No one's given me the answer to her question. It's so simple..just 'yes' or 'no', and yet... I keep thinking about what she said, and I keep getting frustrated at myself. What do I really want? What do I live in this world for? To kill people? To save others? To help everyone? To get revenge, like Aya? To bring justice, like Ken? Or just 'do it for the sake of doing it', like Yohji? I regret staying with that woman. It just keeps repeating over and over in my head- "Is that what you really want?"
Honestly, I don't know.
-owari-
------------------------------
Title: Honestly Don't Know
It was only a week ago, when she asked me that question. She never expected any reply, I knew that, but until now, I still think about it...trying to find some answer, any answer. To satisfy myself, I suppose. But it's amazingly hard for me to respond to that question. The answer's just meant to be either 'yes' or 'no', but yet... Argh.
I asked the other three as well. But their reactions were so unhelpful. Yohji gave me a nonchalant laugh and carried on flirting with the new girl who just moved in across the road. Ken frowned a bit but never answered. After that, he seemed to be thinking about the question, but he never told me what he thought. I don't think he'd ever tell me even if I persisted. Aya...well, he hardly cared any more than Yohji did. Surprisingly, he did respond, though. He said something like, "Revenge. That is all I want." But it's different for me, isn't it? I don't know...it's so confusing. I wish I had never met her.
I really wish I had never let that woman see me.
* * *
I was completing another mission. A minor one, of course, otherwise Aya would have been entirely in-charge. I was only supposed to wait at the alley right behind some nightclub. A powerful but corrupted politician was meant to emerge from the backdoor, and my job was to 'finish him off'.
I did all that. Everything went on smoothly, except for her. I have no idea what she was doing there, and I never asked, but I guess it doesn't matter now.
She was a middle-aged woman, and was married too. Man..I don't even know her name. Anyway, she saw the whole thing. I can't believe how I was so careless, I forgot to check for the absence of passers-by. When my dart was shot through the politician's heart, I saw her.
Her eyes widened and obviously, she was shocked. I was stunned, too. No one told me what I was supposed to do in case other people saw me killing someone. So the both of us just stood there. Staring at each other, no one daring to move.
Finally, I managed to blurt out the most pathetic excuse. Stammering slightly, I told her, "It's not what...what you think. I...I can explain everything."
She did take my word for it, though, probably seeing me as such a 'young-looking boy'. I'm 17, but everyone just keeps treating me like a child. Oh heck.
So I ended up sitting next to her, somewhere, I don't remember. She was still unsure of what to do, I could see it in her face. I tried to explain, although in fact, I was doing nothing but clouding the truth even more. Her expression grew more and more confused, and I gave up. I just told her the truth. Well, most of it.
"....I'm sorry you had to see that. But that's why I had to kill him. Please believe me. I'm sorry."
She gave me silence again. After a minute or two, however, she cleared her throat and looked at me.
"Do you...do you do this very often?"
"Well...if you're talking about me only, then, no... You see, there are others who do what I do. And, erm, yeah, sometimes, they do the job, instead of me. You know what I mean?"
"So...to you it's a [job]? Don't you have to go to school?"
I had trouble replying. What could I say? That I went to school, worked at a flower shop, but was an assassin at night? I was already fumbling over my words. All I said was...
"I do go to school."
And she still had to be persistent about that matter.
"Is it a job to you? And your [friends]?"
"... ....yeah, kind of, I think."
Unbelievably, she remained calm when she continued with her argument.
"I am a mother of two kids. And they're about the same age as you. They don't do what you do. They play basketball, they watch television, they go out with their friends to watch movies, they have piano lessons, they go to school, just like you, but they...they don't kill people. Don't you even know that killing is a crime? Murder is a crime. Do you know that? What do your parents think? Do they know about you doing all this?"
I felt very uneasy talking to her. She was making everything difficult, even though it was so clear.
"...I don't have parents. I kill [bad] people. The [bad guys]. It's not for fun."
"Those people you kill...they may be so-called bad, but they have families too. And their relatives, their children, their wives, their husbands....all of them may not be as bad as the person you killed. Don't you think about their feelings? It would be heart-breaking for them to know that their loved one has left them. Do you consider that when you kill them? Do you think about it?"
This time, I gave her silence. I still tried to justify Weiß's actions, though. I was like a fish struggling in a net. Struggling in vain. For nothing.
"...no, you've got it wrong... We don't kill because of personal reasons. It's to help everyone! These people are bad! They kill people too... If we don't kill them, they will hurt more people. We can't just let them do that..."
Again, she fired at me. Her words were harsh, even though she never raised her voice.
"So you don't care, then? You say you help everyone, but who is [everyone]? Us? The public? We probably don't even know these so-called bad people exist. Let the police take care of all this. You're still young... Their blood on your hands. Forever. Just killing like this..."
And that question came. Hurled at me like it was a gigantic mountain.
"..is that what you really want?"
Silence ruled again, but this time, it was never broken. She shook her head and walked away. She saw right through me, knowing I could never answer, knowing I would never be able to kill her. She knew it all. And I knew nothing.
I know nothing.
* * *
No one's given me the answer to her question. It's so simple..just 'yes' or 'no', and yet... I keep thinking about what she said, and I keep getting frustrated at myself. What do I really want? What do I live in this world for? To kill people? To save others? To help everyone? To get revenge, like Aya? To bring justice, like Ken? Or just 'do it for the sake of doing it', like Yohji? I regret staying with that woman. It just keeps repeating over and over in my head- "Is that what you really want?"
Honestly, I don't know.
-owari-