Title: Because I'm broken
Just a one-shot I thought up after reading a fanfiction where Ponyboy and Sodapop aren't close anymore, a lot of parts made me cry : (
Disclaimer – I do not own the Outsiders
Warnings: mentions of alcohol, drugs, and cutting.
…
Cars of all shapes and colors whizzed past the old, battered white house – which was almost grey against the night sky. A light flickered on the front patio, and the outline of a man could be seen. He had silky golden-blonde hair, which turned wheat-gold in the summer. His eyes, which had once been lively and dancing, were now hardened and frozen with the hate of the world. He glanced around a few times, as though expecting someone to jump out and said "BOO!" When no one did, he hopped off the patio and raced into the tree's, his form eventually withering in the night.
The next morning two of the three Curtis brothers woke up.
Ponyboy turned over in the bed, searching for his older brother, who was nowhere to be found. The only thought that went through his mind was, oh, not again…
Darry was in the kitchen, eyes rimmed with red and a broken demeanor of air surrounding him. Ponyboy hesitantly walked in, stating in a broken voice. "He's gone."
It wasn't news to the two brothers. Word around here went that the second-oldest Curtis brother had gotten involved in some gang that stole, cheated, drank, and got high.
It was true. Sodapop Curtis had turned into the very thing that Ponyboy had been scared of his whole life. Drop-outs - that's what they had all started out as. They had, had their eye on Sodapop, and Ponyboy seemed to be the only one that noticed it. By the time they got to him…it was already too late.
Soda was too deep in.
He came home maybe twice a week, and it was rare to find him half-way sober when he did. He had ripped the gang apart. No more was the Curtis house where everyone wanted to be, no more did Ponyboy and Darry hang out with their old friends. No more did Sodapop want to associate with his family.
Everything had changed, everyone was different, but the worst part was, this was killing the youngest brother.
Soda didn't care about him anymore – all he cared about now was booze and chicks. On the rare occasions he did come home, he never asked how Ponyboy was doing. Never asked if he wanted to hang out. Never talked to him. Just crashed in him and Ponyboy's bed, then was usually gone the next morning.
Ponyboy had started cutting himself. Every time the blade cut into his skin, he thought of Sodapop, and how no amount of pain in the world would ever help him get over it. Soda had broken him, both mentally and physically. Ponyboy wouldn't eat anymore, and he could barely sleep unless Soda was there. His nightmares just got worse, and the doctors didn't know what to do. They gave him a few pills to take each night, but they didn't really work. Ponyboy would always wake up screaming his head off. He tried not to when Soda came around though, he didn't want to scare Sodapop into not coming here anymore.
It was nighttime again. Ponyboy wasn't stupid, he knew Soda wouldn't come back home after he had just snuck out last night. Boy was he wrong. He slunk to his bedroom, not even seeing the figure on the other side of the room until he practically bumped into him. Ponyboy let out a startled gasp and almost at once a hand covered his mouth, muffling the scream before it even started.
Ponyboy stared at the stranger for a while, before shrugging out of its horrid embrace and sighing. "Hey Sodapop."
"Hey Ponyboy." Soda's voice was dead, it held no emotion. Ponyboy walked over to the bed moved the sheets over, so that Soda would have a place to lie. "Didn't expect to see you." Pony said, hoping to start some kind of conversation. Soda didn't say anything back, and when Ponyboy turned around to look at him, Soda was already dead asleep.
Pony sighed again and closed his eyes.
Almost at once his nightmares claimed him as theirs, and he was lost amongst them. He remembered being shoved, kicked, pushed, punched, but the thing he remembered most, was being alone.
He woke up with a scream that got cut off quick as he felt a hand clamp around his cheek. He turned, cheeks stained with tears, to see Sodapop's own teary-eyes.
"Oh Pone." He said, and then pulled Ponyboy into a hug. Pony was so shocked he didn't know what to do, so he just kind of sat there. Suddenly he couldn't help it anymore – he just couldn't live like this.
"…Soda?"
"What is it?" Soda asked, still in that monotonous voice.
"I-why don't you love me anymore?"
"I love you." Soda answered right away, but Ponyboy was shaking his head.
"No, no you don't."
Soda looked at him, his eyes losing some of their former coldness. "What makes you say that?"
"If you really loved me, you wouldn't be doing this to me. I've been hurting myself Soda." He said, showing Sodapop his scarred wrist and arm. Soda gasped and grasped his arm for a better look but Ponyboy continued, "because you don't love me anymore. If you really loved me, you wouldn't have let any of this happen to me. To us. All I want is for us to be a family again, but you—" he broke off in a sob, then continued again, "but you took that away from me Sodapop!" his voice cracked a little, and Sodapop's eyes watered even more as a tear threatened to escape it.
"If you really loved me…you wouldn't have broken me like you did Soda. You would've been here for me, and now look what I do to make up for the pain of all of it!" Sodapop wrapped him into a hug and Ponyboy sobbed into his shirt, latching onto Sodapop as though Soda were a life-preserver and he was drowning in the middle of the ocean.
"Pony – I am…so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" Soda asked. Ponyboy pulled away to look at him.
"Will you ever stop?"
When Sodapop hesitated, Pony sighed and said, "then I guess I can't."
Soda's face scared Ponyboy. He looked as though he had just lost Mom and Dad all over again. "Pony, I'll stop it." Soda said desperately, pulling Ponyboy into another hug. "I'll stop it if you stop. You aren't going to hurt yourself on my mistake. I love you Ponyboy Curtis, and if I ever catch you doing something so stupid, I'm going to have to baby-proof this whole house."
Pony just cried harder, "Why are you doing this? You're only making it harder for me Soda! Knowing that by tomorrow you'll be gone. Back to…back to them." He spat, and Soda was surprised at how much venom was in his baby brother's voice.
Soda shook his head wordlessly, "No…no I won't Pone."
Ponyboy let out a bitter chuckle and said, "You say that now, but I know that you'll go back."
Soda shook his head again, and said with a slight smile, "No I won't Pony, because I quit. They aren't my family – you are. And I love you more then I love them." Then he kissed his brother on the head and they both fell back asleep.
Sodapop stayed true to his word. He played his role as the big-brother, and never regretted his decision to leave the gang. He had Ponyboy and Darry now, and all of his friends. Soda was the thread that kept them together – without him, they'd be lost.