Title: I Get Bi With A Little Help From My Friends
Pairing: Sam/Alice, Simon/Sam
Characters: Sam Yao, Alice Dempsey, Maxine Myers, Jack Holden, Simon Lauchlan, Jody Marsh
Notes: Set pre-canon, mentions of biphobia, sexual confusion, drunkeness XD Fluffy.
Summary: Sam had thought he had this sexuality thing all sorted out, but you learn a lot about yourself in the apocalypse. A slightly different take on Sam being bisexual.
"Good job, Sam!"
Alice gave him a cheery wave when she popped her head into the comms shack.
"O-oh, thanks Alice," he said, smiling brightly at her. He could feel his cheeks heating up when she smiled in return. "You too. You were pretty amazing out there today. Every day."
His mouth felt like sandpaper.
"Can you charge my headset," she asked, and his gaze lingered on her lips for a moment.
"Sure. Let me uh…" He turned back to his desk and grimaced, taking a moment to pick up a few empty wrappers and piles of paper until he'd managed to unearth one of the charging station. "There, knew it was around here somewhere."
When he turned around, she was closer than he'd expected, their knees almost brushing. "Um…"
"You're really picking it up well, Sam," she said, and held out her headset towards him. He took it, and their fingers touched. It felt like a jolt ran right through him and he really didn't want to stop touching.
And then it went on a moment too long and he pulled back quickly, too quickly, busying himself with setting it up so that he didn't have to look at her.
"I mean it, Sam," Alice said seriously. "You're doing a good job. I've seen trained men fall apart more than you."
"Maybe they should've spent more time playing Resident Evil then," Sam replied without thinking and then blanched when he realised what he'd said. That was possibly the stupidest, most immature thing he could possibly have said. And insensitive. Was it insensitive?
This had been so much easier when he'd been flirting with guys at university.
But Alice laughed, a warm sound that made his stomach lurch. "Maybe. Might have prepared us more for the spatter factor at least," she added with a grimace as she looked down at herself. There was blood and bits of- well, he didn't want to think too closely about what those lumpy bits were- across her running gear. "I should go shower."
"Yeah," Sam said. Oh god, did that sound too eager? "Make sure to check in with Maxine! Get checked over."
"Yes Sam," she said teasingly. His blush got worse and he inwardly groaned. She knew the protocol. She was a mature, educated, professional woman who knew what she was doing.
She gave another wave and vanished. Sam's shoulders slumped. He dragged his hand down his face, letting out a soft groan of frustration. What the hell was wrong with him?
—
"Sounds like you've got a crush, Sam mate."
Sam glanced over his shoulder at Simon and gave him an incredulous look. "That's stupid," he said. He pulled his t-shirt off and dropped it onto the little trunk that he used to store his small supply of personal effects. Simon openly leered. "I don't even like girls."
"Women," Simon said. "Alice is definitely a woman, not a girl."
"That's just semantics," Sam said, rolling his eyes. "Point is, I don't- I don't swing that way. Never have. It would have made things easier. Although to be fair, my dad did take finding out about my boyfriend better than I expected."
"Well, apparently you swing that way now," Simon said, and gave a shrug that showed off the muscles in his shoulders really nicely. Sam's gaze lingered on his bare chest, toned stomach and abs that actually were as fine as Simon bragged about, not that Sam would ever admit that to his face. Simon would be smug about it for the rest of eternity.
He was a nice sight. Sam was still very definitely attracted to men.
"You don't just suddenly stop being gay, Simon," he said, with all of the patience that he could muster and far more than Simon deserved. He unfastened his jeans and slid them down over his hips.
Simon grinned and lay down on the camp bed, stretching out along one side of it.
"Why not?" he asked when Sam crawled in next to him and pulled the opened out sleeping bag over them both. "Why can't you just have the occasional thing for a woman? Women. I've seen how you look at Janine," he said. His expression was purely lascivious as he pulled Sam closer.
"I do not have a thing for Janine!" Sam yelped, and it was tempting to kick him in the groin in retaliation, but then he'd sulk and Sam actually wanted to get off tonight.
Simon laughed and slid an arm around Sam's chest. "She's a pretty fine woman. No-one would blame you."
"I'm not. Interested. In women," Sam repeated through gritted teeth.
"I'm not into blokes and yet here we are," Simon said.
"You must be into men if you're here with me," Sam said. "I'm pretty definitely male."
Simon kissed his neck, his hand wandering down Sam's chest. "And you're crushing like crazy on Alice so you must be into women."
"That- it's not-" He trailed off into a growl of frustration and squirmed against Simon's chest. "You are not helpful."
"If you wanted help, then you picked the wrong person, Sammy. You know that. I just do witty repartee and damn good sex," Simon replied, sounding thoroughly amused.
"It's not funny Simon," Sam grumbled. He didn't try to push Simon away though. It felt far too good.
"It's hilarious," Simon said, teasing his fingertips against Sam's hip. And it wasteasing.
"You would think that," Sam said. He grabbed Simon's hand, trying to move it to where he really wanted it. Simon locked up and refused to let himself be budged.
"Look, Sam, mate," he began, an uncharacteristic note of uncertainty entering his voice. "If you like her, why does it matter? Not like anyone here cares so long as you aren't stupid about it."
"Easy for you to say," Sam replied. He huffed and rolled over to face Simon, arms wrapped defensively around himself. "I've known that I was gay since I was fourteen and Seth Jordan wore really tight shirts and shorts for PE. I've known it."
"Were his abs as great as mine?"
"He was fourteen," Sam said. "He was also a jerk. Just a hot one."
"Well, that's alright then." Simon grinned. His thumb grazed lightly against Sam's lip and he leaned in for a brief kiss. "But what are they gonna do really?" he continued. "Set the gay police on you because you have a thing for a pretty fantastic woman in the middle of the zombie apocalypse? Confiscate your membership card?"
Sam fell silent, chewing his lip, and then gave a shrug, trying for nonchalant. "Well, there was this girl at uni, in the LGBT society. I didn't go much but they had some good nights out. But yeah, she was a lesbian, but she started going out with this guy. They people at the society couldn't really do anything, but it was pretty strongly hinted that she shouldn't come to meetings or events anymore. People said she'd just been pretending to get a man interested in her. But I had some classes with her and her girlfriend and they were really into each other."
Simon just looked at him, an almost pitying look on his face that made Sam hunch up and scowl darkly. "Oh Sam, people just love making things complicated. Never saw the point of worrying about who you're sleeping with. Plenty of worse things to worry about."
It should have made him feel angry, like he was being dismissed, but there was a weight to Simon's words that made it see a little more than just his usual flippancy. Sam sighed. "Yeah. I guess. And sorry, I know you're not here to be my therapist."
"It is just one of my many skills," Simon replied, grinning and tilting Sam's face up. "Would a blowjob help? Kill two birds with one stone; you feel good and get to shut me up for a bit."
"Blowjobs do help with most things," Sam replied, managing a small smile.
"One blowjob it is then."
—
He'd been asked how he knew he was gay quite a few times in his life. His parents had asked that a lot. Even offered to try to set him up with a nice Chinese girl his grandparents knew 'cause surely he was just going through a phase. But he'd known that he wasn't. He'd been certain.
He'd spent so much time trying to explain it, to justify it. He'd made it part of himself. And now what? He'd been wrong? Oh sorry, ten years of coming to terms with your sexuality, making it part of your identity, and you were really just confused like your parents always said.
"Uh, Sam-"
He dropped his fork with a clatter and looked up at Alice guiltily, only to be confronted with that amazing smile again. "Hm?"
"Are you gonna eat that or just keep stabbing it? I'm not sure that it'll taste any better as much."
Great, now he looked like a crazy food stabbing person. "Sorry," he said. "Just distracted."
"I can tell," Alice said. She frowned at him in concern. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," he said, forcing a smile and meeting her eyes. Her really pretty eyes. "Thinking about mission rosters."
That was the lamest excuse ever.
"Sounds thrilling," Alice said dryly. "Logistics was never my favourite part of the job."
"Yeah it- it's not the most exciting part of what I do."
"Me and Jody have a run this afternoon right, Jody?" She turned to Runner Four who was sitting at the bench behind her, and nudged her lightly.
"What? Oh yeah," Jody replied. "You're not gonna send us anywhere too scary, right Sam?"
Sam shook his head and flicked through his paperwork. "No. I think it's just… yeah, out to the fuel dump."
"Ah, all the fun missions for us," Alice said.
Jody grimaced. "You are morbid, thinking that's fun. Out there in the wilds with the zoms in the ruins of the lives that we once lived."
"And you say I'm morbid," Alice replied with a teasing laugh.
"Yeah, Four, what could be more fun than a nice jog on a sunny day while the hordes of the undead hunger for your blood," Sam said dryly.
Alice gave him a light punch in the shoulder. "Oi, I thought you are on my side, Sam."
"I am always on your side, Alice," he said, a bit too earnest, but she didn't seem to notice.
Simon, who had just come over with his own rations, rolled his eyes at Sam over Alice's shoulder. Sam glared. It had about the same effect on Simon as water on a duck's back.
"Tell her!" Simon mouthed, flashing him a thumbs up before he slid into the seat next to Alice and threw an arm around her shoulder. "And how are you today, my dearest Alice? Having a nice revealing conversation with our Sam?"
Sam groaned and buried his face in his hands. At least that wasn't too telling. Simon had that effect on a lot of people.
—
In the end he had no choice but to turn to the two gayest people he knew. Or at least, the two most confident in their sexuality.
"Wait," Jack said when Sam told them, "so I'm like the- the Alpha gay of Abel? Numbero uno?" He looked ridiculously pleased by the idea, but that might just have been that he was on his third glass of terrible but extremely alcoholic moonshine made from fruit too old for anyone to eat safely. It probably wasn't safe to drink either, but that hadn't stopped anyone.
"Beta," Maxine said, taking a breath before she gulped down her own drink, face screwing up at the tatste.
"What?" Jack said, frowning at her.
"Beta, numero dos. I'm a doctor. I get priority," she said, giving him a cheeky grin.
"Oh," Jack said, eyes widening a little like one of the mysteries of the universe had been made clear.
It was really potent stuff.
Even after several drinks Sam still felt like hiding. Maybe in a closet. Could you be in the closet about being straight? Maybe an airing cupboard?
Maxine poked his cheek with one finger, peering closely at him. "So what did you want to talk about Sam? I see you hiding there."
He took a swig of his drink that burned his throat all the way down. "I'm not hiding," he muttered. "The tent's too smile to hide in."
Maxine rolled her eyes. "I'm not that drunk Sam."
"You have been pretty mopey lately, mate," Jack added.
Oh god, it had been noticeable. He took a breath and threw himself in headlong. Get it over with as quickly as he could and maybe it would hurt less, like ripping a plaster off.
"Have you ever felt uh- felt not gay?"
They gave him blank looks. Sam groaned and reached for the bottle. Of course they hadn't. Maxine had gold stars in lesbianism and Jack was probably the same and Sam had thought that he was the same but-
"Hey, hey, don't look-" Jack began, nudging shoulders with him, his expression painfully concerned. "What's wrong buddy?"
"Is someone giving you trouble?" Maxine asked seriously, her gaze searching and intent. "Because if they are then you should tell the Major or Janine. I doubt they have time for people carrying on that kind of prejudice here. And if they won't do anything…" She grinned, a smile that bared her teeth, and cracked her knuckles in a most threatening way.
"No," Sam said quickly. That was a scary look, especially from a doctor. "No-one is giving me trouble. It's fine. It's nothing."
Maybe doing this with alcohol hadn't been the best course of action if Maxine was going to threaten people on his behalf. Maybe doing it at all had been a bad idea. His thoughts must have shown in his expression because Jack slung an arm around his shoulders, making sure that he couldn't get away when Maxine shifted closer.
"What's going on, Sam?" she asked, using her concerned doctor voice which was entirely unfair. He couldn't ignore the concerned doctor voice. No-one could. Even Janine couldn't ignore it completely.
He sighed, turning the glass between his hands nervously. "I'm gay, right?" he said, and that was a stupid way to start but the booze hadn't helped his powers of speech very much. Or at all. They both nodded anyway. "And I mean I've known that for ages. I was never interested in girls- uh, women. But I've always liked boys."
"That does sound like you're pretty gay, yeah," Jack said cheerfully.
"Right!" Sam replied. "I'm gay, and- and I like guys, y'know? Kissing and blowjobs and- and nice arms and abs and-"
"Yeah Sam, we know you think Simon is hot," Maxine said, her lips quirking upwards in amusement. "That's not what you're conflicted about considering I've seen him leaving your bunk after curfew."
"To be fair," Jack said, nicely covering up Sam's utter mortification and attempt to sink through the bed, "I think Simon is hot too. I'm pretty sure I've caught 'Gene staring a few times when he thinks I'm not paying attention. It's the yoga."
"Does nothing for me," Maxine said with a smirk.
Sam laughed and then rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He took a breath, determined to get it out this time. "I- I think I like Alice," he blurted, the words coming out in a rush. "I mean really like her and I- I dunno, I just- I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Have I just been fooling myself?"
There was silence for a long long moment and Sam shrank back in on himself. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. He should have just waited it out. It had to stop eventually, right?
"Oh Sam," Maxine said, sympathy and maybe a flicker of guilt crossing her face. She leaned over, pulling him into a tight hug. "This is what's got you all upset?"
She pulled back enough to see his face. Sam nodded and gave her a weak smile. "Yeah. I mean, it's stupid but… I'm really confused. Thought all this was behind me. I'd figured it out and knew who I was and then this happens."
He sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping.
"It's okay, Sam," Maxine said, her voice gentle. "So maybe you're bisexual. It's not a big deal."
He gave her a thoroughly sceptical look. Maxine nodded, responding with a wry smile. "Okay, maybe it is a big deal, but listen. Paula, my Paula, she is- was- she's bi. I- I worried at first but I was wrong and it's not a bad thing if you are."
"Gene's bi," Jack said. He patted Sam's shoulder and then his hair in that sloppy affectionate way he got when drunk. "I think I'm the first proper boyfriend he's had."
"Yeah, see Sam? It's fine. You're in good company."
"I guess," Sam said, still sounding doubtful.
Jack smiled at him and topped up his glass. "Or you might just like her," he said with an easy shrug. "Sometimes someone is just right y'know? And the zombie apocalypse does throw people together. Or maybe it's a strictly romantic feeling, or a platonic crush or-"
He paused, noticing Sam's incredulous look. "I am a social butterfuly, alright? A sub-culture guru. I know a lot of people with different identities. Or I did. Before they probably got eaten."
"I really hate that that's a thing that gets tacked onto sentences so often now," Sam said. "It sort of makes my sexual identity crisis seem petty and stupid," he added with a weak laugh.
"It's not," Maxine said. "it's important to you. It's part of who you are. That doesn't just go away because of the undead and iyeah/i, I'm not sure that's ever gonna stop being weird."
"I think it's when it stops being weird that we have to worry," Jack said.
They lapsed into silence at that, because it was a pretty awful thought.
"Well, that was depressing," Jack said. He leaned back and stretched. "So Sam, do you want to have sex with her?"
"What?!" Sam asked, his eyes going wide. "I- eventually? I don't know but a relationship sort of implies that and-"
"I think what Jack means," Maxine said firmly, giving Jack a significant look, "is that there's a lot of different ways to be attracted to people. It's not just a sexual thing. And that's fine. None of them are wrong. It doesn't make your identity any less valid, Sam. You've just changed the definition a little." She smiled and it was a tight, splintered thing. "We're all learning things about ourselves since the outbreak."
"Yeah!" Jack said, and his grin was bright enough that you'd think he'd won the lottery if this had been before the apocalypse. "Long as you're happy. So drink up buddy! Uh… or don't. I dunno. You might want to keep your eyesight."
"I do like being able to see," Sam said. "But I think being drunk tops that today." He grinned as he knocked back the rest of his glass.
Maxine whooped and followed suit, then leaned happily against his side. Jack sprawled out, resting his head in Sam's lap. Maybe there was something to what they'd said, because he was pretty sure that he loved them both.
—
He didn't wake up blind, although when he opened his eyes and the light that filtered through the cracks around the door hit him, he sort of wished that he had. At least it was only routine runs today, and not for an hour or more yet..
He dragged himself out of bed and to the mess tent. Food seemed like the last thing that he wanted right now, but he still needed to eat because, well, he'd be starving later and there wouldn't be anything available until dinner. It was sort of like living in halls at university, except you couldn't just wander down to the shops to get a sandwich, a tub of ice-cream and a six-pack of beer whenever you wanted.
Whatever they were serving in the mess, it certainly didn't improve his appetite any.
He found an out of the way spot to sit, somewhere where no-one else would jostle or bump him, and where the canvas wall of the tent offered a little shade. He sipped slowly at his water and god, what he wouldn't do for a nice cold glass of orange juice right now. Maybe a fried breakfast. That had always helped to clear up hangovers.
There was a good chance that he'd never taste orange juice again now that he thought about it. He wished that he ihadn't/i thought about it. He was going to be craving it all day now.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Alice asked, setting her plate down opposite him. "Or… I dunno. You could have a fiver. Probably worth about the same now. Nothing."
Sam looked up, offering a small smile. "I think the penny might be more valuable actually. Copper content."
Alice was staring at him. "You look rough, Sam. Am I gonna have to drag you to the Doc?"
"She's probably the same," Sam replied, his smile widening for a moment. "She had more to drink than I did."
Alice laughed and that almost made the hangover worth it. "So don't get injured today. Got it."
"Oh, I'm sure she'll still be fine. Just don't scream too loudly as she treats you. She's already short of the good drugs. Don't antagonise her."
"I'll bear that in mind," Alice said. "You sure you're alright?"
"Yeah. I'll be fine. Might hold off the… the whatever that was for a while though. Not sure I could take another night like that."
"Probably for the best. We need you in good shape Sam."
"I'm not the runner," Sam replied.
"You're still one of the team."
"Thanks," he said, heartfelt. He took a breath and met her eyes squarely. "Hey, Alice…"
"Yeah?"
His heart was pounding, his palms clammy. This was a stupid idea. "Uh, do you want to do something sometime? I mean, with me. Do something with me."
How pathetic could he possibly sound? Oh god, she was going to laugh at him. She was nice at least, so she'd probably wait until he couldn't see her.
"You mean like a date?" she asked, giving him a secretive smile.
His mouth was too dry to speak again, so he just nodded. She leaned over so that they were almost touching. "I'd love to, Sam."
"Wh-what?" he said, looking looking utterly pole-axed. "Really?"
"Of course. Been wondering if you'd actually ask me for ages."
"Oh," he said, his face falling a little. "Sorry. I- I had a few things to work out first."
She ruffled his hair and it wasn't half so annoying when it was her doing it. "That's okay. So, what d'you want to do? I heard Khwargo picked up a copy of Portal 2 if you wanted to play that."
"Oh my god, I love Portal," Sam said, grinning at her. "Yeah, that sounds cool."
"Alright then, it's a date."
"I'll see you then. I mean, I'll see you before because you're here and everything and-"
"Breathe, Sam," Alice teased and he laughed, all the pent up emotions and stress finally being released.
"Sorry. I'm just… I'm just happy. Thanks."
"No need to thank me," Alice said. "It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to it."
He managed to eat without being sick, and managed to run all of the missions without the cameras making him feel too queasy. He didn't exactly have anything smart to change into for a date, but he brushed his hair and washed up as much as he could and in the apocalypse that probably counted right?
He hovered outside the rec room for a few minutes, steeling himself for it. For all that Maxine and Jack and Simon had said, he couldn't fight his own brain. Finally though, he pushed open the door to the old stable block that served as the rec room and stepped inside.
Alice waved at him and called him over. Her smile was bright and happy and that sort of made it all worthwhile.