It's About Time: Part One
"It's not like you're doing anything productive!"
"Tosh, if eating isn't productive, I don't know what is." Owen came to Gwen's defence from his seat on Tosh's desk.
"What are you doing, anyway?"
"Googling."
"Okay, Googling what?"
"The Spice Girls."
"Seriously?"
"No, Owen, I'm Googling us."
"Okay, fair enough, that is productive." A strange noise filled the hub. "Ianto, is that the coffee machine?" Owen called.
"No, I think Myfanwy's sick again!" Ianto replied.
A blue police box began to materialise in the middle of the hub, and Jack came rushing out of his office, skidding to a stop in front of it. "Doctor!" A redheaded young woman stepped out of the TARDIS, looking around interestedly. "Doctor?"
"Yes! No! Kind of? Hang on, he's inside." She turned back towards the console. "Doctor!" The shout echoed through the TARDIS, shocking everyone but Jack.
"Where's my sonic?"
"Next to the mustard button!"
"It is no- Oh. Never mind!"
"Exactly." She turned back to Jack, shaking her head. "He never trusts me. Actually, he probably shouldn't." Looking him over, she added, "Nice coat."
Jack smirked in acknowledgement. "Captain Jack Harkness." He held out his hand for her to shake.
She took it. "Artemis."
"Jack," the Doctor warned.
"I was just saying hello. Can't I say hello to anyone?"
"Not to my daughter, you can't."
"Your daughter?"
Artemis saluted ironically and turned to the Doctor. "I will speak with whomever I like, Doctor, whether you approve or not."
"Sorry, but how can you have a daughter?"
She sighed exasperatedly. "The man Time Lord and the lady Time Lord loved each other very much, and so they -"
"Oh, don't give me the birds and the bees. The Doctor was supposed to be The Last of the Time Lords, how could he have a daughter?"
"A religious movement called the Silence kidnapped my grandmother in order to create another Time Lord. That Time Lord grew up, fell in love with the Doctor and became my mother. Questions? No. Good."
"Of course I've got bloody questions!" Gwen interjected indignantly.
"Well, I've got more important things to talk about right now, I'll explain it later. It is, as I understand it, a very good story to hear, although perhaps not the best to live."
Noting the way Jack was looking at his daughter, the Doctor frowned. "You know, I'm starting to have second thoughts about leaving you here on your own."
"On my own? I have three wonderful men," she put her arms over Jack and Owen's shoulders, "and two lovely ladies to look after me. Assuming I need looking after, that is."
"You know that's not what I meant."
Artemis smirked. "Do I?" The Doctor opened his mouth, but no sound came out. "Don't worry, I won't make you say it. I know how you can blush."
"Ah, hang on, just one thing," Ianto interrupted. "What makes you think we're lovely and wonderful? You've just met us."
She raised an eyebrow. "You all look lovely and wonderful. Do you mean to tell me you're not?"
"No, it's just that you could have been spying on us… for years… for all we know…" Ianto trailed off, acutely aware of how childish that sounded out loud. The feeling was confirmed by Artemis' response.
"Believe it or not, I do actually have better things to do than to spy on people I don't know," she replied frostily. But then her tone changed. "Don't you ever put anything past me, though," she winked, "might save your life someday. Doctor, you've forgotten that I have a say in this. It is my life, after all."
"Oh? And what would you like to say?"
"I've decided I'm staying."
The Doctor sighed. "Fine. Go get your things." Ashleigh grinned, let go of her men and ran off into the TARDIS. He snorted. "Watch her, she's very… her mother."
"Oh? And what's she like?"
"Well, lots of things, lots of ways to describe her. Stubborn, clever… Nice hair. She once made the dictator controlling Araxia Seven free its people by telling her about Kamin Matar."
"I'm not familiar with the story."
"That's because it doesn't exist. She made it up as she went along. But my personal favourite way to describe her is far more… concise than that."
"Yes?" Jack pressed. The Doctor smirked.
"Hell… in high heels."
He laughed. "Then she's perfect."
"You can back off my daughter, Jack," the Doctor informed him, eyes narrowing.
"To paraphrase Artemis, Doctor, she can do whatever she likes."
"Or whomever," she added, leaning out of the TARDIS. The Doctor winced. "Doctor, have you seen my contacts?"
"On the counter in the bathroom, where you left them."
"No need to snark. And my phone?"
"Next to the ketchup button."
"Thank you!" She disappeared back inside.
"You've got a new face again," Jack commented.
"Yes, and a new sonic, look," he pulled it out, "and the TARDIS rebuilt too."
"May I?"
He held the door open. "Be my guest."
Jack stepped inside the TARDIS in time to see Artemis run up the stairs, two at a time. "Huh. She really rebuilt."
"Okay, what's the phone box about?" Owen asked.
"Police box. It's a TARDIS." The team looked curious. "Well, go on then, have a look." Gwen was the first to get up and look inside, performing the usual double take.
"It's bigger on the inside?"
The Doctor grinned. "I love the bit when someone says 'it's bigger on the inside.' I look forward to that bit." Owen followed Gwen in. Toshiko and Ianto held back. "Well, come on then! We've got all the time in the world, we don't have to use it! Hurry up, she doesn't bite!"
They walked reluctantly into the TARDIS. "Okay, that's cool." Tosh conceded.
Artemis bounced around the corner, rifling through the bag slung over her shoulder. "Oh, hello. You're all in my TARDIS."
"Your TARDIS?" the Doctor asked indignantly. "She's not your TARDIS, she's my TARDIS!"
"Child of the TARDIS," she gestured to herself, then to the Doctor, "nicked the TARDIS."
"She said she stole me!"
"Which makes you her Doctor."
"Um… yes, but… I'm your father, my word is final!"
"Good luck telling River that. Besides, I'm a grown up, big girl now, nothing you can do about it. Right then, yes, you're all in the TARDIS and I don't know your names. So, introductions are in order." The team repeated their names, Artemis nodding after each. She jumped down a step. "Artemis. MD, PhD, EdD, APA, MSc, there's quite a few more, but frankly, I can't be bothered right now." She attempted to move down the stairs, but was instead flung towards Jack. To his credit, he did catch her.
"Hello, clumsy," he commented.
"Not quite." She scowled at the Time Rotor, mainly because it seemed the obvious part of the TARDIS to scowl at. Jack heard a chiming sound in his mind that he recognised quickly as the TARDIS… giggling? "I don't care if you like him, there's no need to throw me across the room." The chiming became defensive. "So what if I do? I don't need your help." More chiming. "Give me a break, it's only been five minutes. I know you didn't like the last one, but it is ultimately my preferences that-" The chiming cut her off, now more serious. Artemis' tone was more reserved when she spoke again. "Do you really think so?" The TARDIS giggled again. "Idris!" Artemis laughed. The Doctor's face looked as if he was warring between being scandalised and annoyed (it resulted as a frown and clenched jaw crossed with a blush. Jack laughed, because, quite frankly, it looked stupid). Annoyance won out.
"Her name is not Idris!"
"I can't just call her 'Sexy' in conversation! Besides, she likes it when I call her Idris." The TARDIS chimed happily, proving her point. The Doctor made a disgusted noise. Jack cleared his throat, reminding Artemis that she was still using him as a support. "Oh, sorry, sugar. And thank you."
"Ah, no problem. I was actually going to ask if you could understand what the TARDIS was saying."
"You heard chiming?" He nodded. "That was just her emoting at you. If she spoke to you… Well, it wouldn't be a positive outcome. Apparently, she wanted you to get the gist of the conversation."
"Which was?"
"She approves of you. And she said it was about time, it's been a while since the last one, whom she apparently disliked." She laughed. "I liked him."
"Just out of interest, when was that exactly?"
"It was two months, thirteen days, seven hours, forty seven minutes and fifty two seconds ago, exactly." Jack cocked an eyebrow at her. "He," she looked pointedly at the Doctor, "found us in my rooms, kicked him out and told the TARDIS not to let anyone in without his invitation. In short, it's forced solitude. Bloody man treats me like I'm sixteen. Even in this body I look like I'm at least twenty-one."
"You may as well be sixteen, the way you were acting!"
"Oh please, I'm a grown woman, you have no right to-"
"Ha! You've been acting like a harlot-" The Doctor's sentence was cut short as Artemis slapped him across the face. Said face assumed an expression of shock, then shame.
"I'm three hundred and seventy four years old, Doctor. I can make my own decisions, and you would do well to remember it!"
"Sorry, I was out of line. I was just upset-"
"Yes, yes, I'm your little girl and you want to protect me, blah, blah, blah. I believe I've heard the speech seventy two times now. I'm sorry for yelling, but you're not even my father yet. And when you are, you should remember that you never get to tell me who I am or what I want."
"You slapped me too!"
"Yes, well, I'm not apologising for that. You deserved it."
"You are so Amy," the Doctor commented dryly. Artemis smiled at the comparison and hugged her father. Meanwhile, Torchwood Three, barring Jack, were still standing grouped around the door, looking and feeling remarkably bemused.
"Doctor?"
"Yes, Jack?"
"I just have to ask – ketchup button?"
"It isn't really, it's a transgalactic TARDIS interface that-"
"Call it what you want, Doctor, it still produces gooey red stuff that goes well with chips." Artemis grinned. "Shall I be off then?"
"I suppose," the Doctor admitted reluctantly. "Just promise me you'll be good?"
Artemis shooed the team out of the TARDIS and out of the way. "But of course." She waited until everyone was out, then leaned back in. "Rule One: The Doctor lies." The TARDIS dematerialised as she slammed the door.
Artemis turned and shrugged off her well-worn leather jacket to better show off the short, vividly purple dress that clung to her skin, dark lace tights making it look somewhat more (or perhaps less) respectable. The movement also revealed the belt that was slung low over her hips, complete with gun and holster.
"Nice gun," Jack commented.
"It is, isn't it?" It looked like a prop gun out of an old western, but it worked, and Jack suspected there was alien technology involved. The team didn't panic immediately; they were used to guns – it was in the job description. But as she considered the team, it looked like she was deciding whether she wanted to kill them. Ianto swallowed nervously, because she seemed to him like a volatile storm restrained by thin glass. He didn't want to be around when that glass shattered.
"You're not going to use that," Owen asserted. He had resumed his position on Tosh's desk.
"No?"
"No. Jack's told us all about your Doctor and how he hates violence. You're his daughter; he raised you. You won't shoot."
Artemis smiled coldly and turned the gun on Jack. "I take after my mother." The bullet hit him square in the chest.
When Jack came around, he wasn't in the best of moods. "You proved you didn't mind killing people by killing me?"
"I knew you were coming back-"
"That's irrelevant-"
"-and it didn't hurt."
"It-" He remembered the impact, but not pain. "Why didn't it hurt?"
"Anaesthetic in the bullet. I may not mind killing people, but that doesn't mean I have to hurt them."
"What kind of anaesthetic stops a bullet from causing pain?" Owen asked, intrigued.
She smirked. "Angel dust."
Owen snorted. "Fine, if you don't want to tell me-"
"I'm perfectly serious. Well, mostly. It's not literally angel dust. That's just how people describe it."
"People?"
Artemis waved a hand dismissively. "Friends. Boyfriends. Girlfriends. Other-gender-friends."
Ianto looked slightly disturbed. "Other?"
"Another time, maybe."
"So you… produce it?" Owen pressed.
"Yup." She popped her lips on the 'p'.
"I never noticed the Doctor leaving unidentified dust around the TARDIS," Jack commented.
"I should hope not, as he's male."
"So it's a feminine thing?" Owen was collecting as much information on this as possible, doing his job, for once.
"Specifically a female thing. Males can't produce it. River does, but being a fair bit human she doesn't really have any control over when and what type it is. But since I'm mostly Time Lord, I can control it."
"Type?"
"Well, River's mostly just makes you all warm and fuzzy. It must be a default, because unless there's a reason for it to be different, mine's the same."
"And?"
Artemis sighed. "Anaesthetic, obviously, amnesia, soporific, hallucinogen, anoesis, and it does other things I don't care to tell you about."
"Keeping secrets?" Jack challenged.
"Oh, yes. There's no fun in knowing everything, you'd never learn anything."
"Well, yes."
Artemis chuckled. "And the colour depends on the person."
"So what colour's yours?"
She looked at Jack sideways. "That's a bit… to the point."
"Sorry?"
The corner of her mouth quirked. "It's similar to asking a lady's age," she paused, "impertinent."
"I see." He looked at her expectantly.
"You still want to know, don't you?" Jack nodded. She rolled her eyes and tapped her fingers against her leg. "It's not exactly easy to describe out loud. At least, not without sounding silly. Ooh!" Her eyes went big, "I could show you!" Artemis moved quickly across the gap between her and Jack to place herself on his lap. She considered him for a moment, smirking.
"What?"
"Normally I have to think about it to get it this way, but it's just doing it on its own today." She gasped. "Maybe that's what Idris meant!"
"Meant by what?"
"Later…" She curled her fingers into a ball, then opened her hand to show the fine powder shimmering deep blue on her fingertips, specks of gold glimmering through.
"It's pretty," Jack commented. He laughed as he realised something.
"What?"
"It's the colour of my coat."
She compared the two. "That it is. Interesting."
"Why?"
"Have you never found something interesting just because it is?"
He shrugged. "I suppose."
"Well, there you go." She held her index finger about an inch from his lips. "Taste."
"Taste?"
"Taste."
"Okay…" When the dust touched his tongue, Jack gasped, because it tasted innocent, green apples and vanilla. But it did something entirely other to the rest of him, muscles clenching and hands balling in the fabric of Artemis' dress where he had been holding her hips loosely. "Fuck."
"That is the idea," Artemis smirked.
"You didn't say it did that."
She ran her fingers along his cheekbone. "It's on a need to know basis, and you, Mister Harkness-"
"Captain."
She chuckled. "Captain. You didn't need to know. Rule two hundred and ninety seven: Surprise everybody."
Jack smirked. "So, is that how you get your way?"
"Actually, I've found that if you act like you know what's best, people generally believe it. But when they don't…"
"Naughty."
"Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it."