"You would think that she could see that he's not interested in her by now…" Lapis sighed as she closed the book and set it aside, having finished one of the many volumes of "manga" that Amethyst had provided for her upon learning of Lapis' interest in reading. Lapis was referring more so to books with all words and no pictures, but when Amethyst told her manga was basically a TV show told in pictures, she was interested to say the least. When Amethyst followed that up by saying that the plot of this particular manga about hairstylists and drama was better than Camp Pining Hearts…well, that was a challenge she had to disprove for herself for her roommate's sake. Two weeks and seven volumes later, Lapis was hooked much to her diminutive and impertinent roommate's chagrin. Lapis stood from the worn out recliner, and glanced back at the trash bag of manga borrowed from the lilac loaf herself, wondering if Peridot would ever want to borrow them just because Amethyst owned them, but highly doubted it based on virtue of genre alone. It seemed like every manga she'd been given had to do with love, or romance, or trying to confess these things to people. One girl was obsessed with getting 'sempai to notice her' as the pages said. Lapis didn't know what a sempai was, but she bet Peridot would notice her. Such a sharp and intelligent gem she was. She notices almost everything. Almost. Lapis thought to herself, 'She sure seems to notice anything else Amethyst does. Or says. Or is.'
Curtailing the train of thought with another sigh, Lapis stepped off the landing down a dozen feet to the floor below. Her hydrokinetic appendages appeared but for a moment to ensure she touched down gently, retreating back into the confines of her azure gem. Landing with the grace of a ballerina, but with the overall apathetic posture of a corpse, Lapis recalled Steven laughing the first time he saw her do that. He said humans can't jump off things like Gems, and that the ladder was there to help them get down. Lapis had replied that the ladder was too far from her chair, and silly to use if she could just use her powers to get down. The introspective diplomat would never forget her roommate's face at that comment though, realizing only much later that it was sadness. Peridot couldn't fly at all, and had to use the ladder all the time. Lapis had caught her many a time trying to ascend on a trashcan lid, only to become flustered and run outside spewing defensive excuses when she was seen. Lapis had offered just as often to help Peridot up, but she'd vehemently refused and insisted to do it herself. Almost like she wanted nothing to do with her water powers. Or lapis herself. Lapis scoffed and muttered under her breath, "Amethyst can't fly either. I bet I make Peridot uncomfortable by being different...by being me."
Lapis shook her head, adding another thought about thinking about Peridot too much before again banishing the negativity from her mind. 'If Peridot was upset, she'd say so. She likes to be here with me. I think.' Lapis took a very deep breath, stretched, and strode deeper into the barn, not realizing that those were unnecessary actions she'd picked up from proximity to Steven and Amethyst, despite denouncing the use of ladders. She found herself browsing the 'art gallery' as Steven called it. She and Peridot preferred 'Meep-Morp Menagerie' but Lapis was loathe to negate Steven, and the engineer had quickly agreed with her too. Casting a last glance at the sign hanging overhead that Steven had lovingly painted for them and Peridot helped hang; Lapis chuckled before looking around again. Not only had their 'art' changed over time, but they'd added several new pieces through-out the first floor. Only one piece was Lapis' favorite though, and that was the one she and Peridot had made together. When the vocal verdant gem yelled out for assistance, Lapis rolled her eyes and assumed she'd gotten caught underneath something big and heavy again. Lapis was inwardly delighted to find she wanted her help to make something neat. To make something better. Lazily laying a hand atop one of the tops of the 'toilets,' Lapis self-deprecatingly appended aloud, "The only thing I've ever made better…"
Lapis looked up vacantly as her widened eyes and throbbing chest knew where that mental path took her. This was strike three, and this thought wormed much deeper than the others. She shook her head and tried to clear her mind before it started, but the cascade of guilt and abuse swept her up and rendered her façade asunder in its unbridled force. The same voice as every other time, a facsimile of her own, echoed from the back of her head enumerating the things she'd never forgive herself for: 'Choking Steven, stealing the ocean, breaking Greg's leg, selling out the Earth.' Lapis quivered in panic and sadness, falling to her knees and catching herself just before slamming her face into the toilet. "Stop. Stop it. Stop it please. Stop. I'm different now and it won't stop. No more please. I'm sorry." The cobalt gem attempted to bargain with the sorrows, fighting a losing battle in wrestling her subconscious back into submission. 'Lying to Jasper, hurting the crystal gems, endlessly thrashing Jasper, Malachite. Enjoying being Malachite.' Silently sobbing into a toilet now noticeably more full over sins long since forgiven, Lapis' guilt threatened to overtake her and reduce her to the shattered mess she felt like she deserved to be. Uneasily pushing herself up, Lapis rose to her feet while her spirits fell. Turning to run from the guilt, from the barn, from these thoughts, she sprinted to the door as her wings appeared, barely even formed from the lack of focus her hysteria caused. 'Steven would be better off without you. Peridot too. She likes Amethyst better anyway. She always has and always will. Maybe you can find Jasper and hurt her until she cries. Again. You ARE a monster. Your name is Lapis Lazuli and you treat everyone like your prisoner. They all wish, every one of them, that you would let them go' Bursting through the doors of the barn, Lapis was inconsolable and soaked in her own personal desolation, she crouched for a better lift-off and swore never to return. A clank sounded out, as loud as a gunshot to Lapis, as metal dropped from several feet up. Someone's hands. A concerned and nasally voice sounded scared, "L-L-Lapis, wait! What happened? Are you ok? Did someone hurt you? Is…Is she back!?"
It was gone. Her resolve, her strength, her façade. Everything failed all at once upon hearing Peridot's voice. Without turning even to see her, Lapis quaked to her knees once more, before catching herself on her hands. She couldn't face Peridot, not now. Peridot had never seen the real face of her roommate, had never known her to cry. And here Lapis was right in front of the only other person on Earth that she even cared for, wailing into the soggy dirt as she apologized profusely for things Peridot could not as of yet even fathom. Peridot bounded up to Lapis from the edge of the barn, scattering various street sign poles she'd collected for her latest morp, and huddled next to her trying to ascertain the cause of this outburst but too afraid to touch her. Peridot whipped around, looking for nonexistent foes, and even summoned the riveted metal posts to her aid. Forming a circle of floating spears around them both, ready to strike in any direction, Peridot would never let Jasper touch Lapis again.
Between the guttural choking, Lapis managed to half explain, "M-me, Peridot. It's me. I'm me…S-sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm me…a-and I'm sorry." Peridot's face quickly fell from determined rage to a shocked and saddened confusion, the makeshift weapons dropping as well. Peridot racked her mind for information, trying to remember what Steven does when people are sad or need someone. Rifling through months and months of education and observations of Steven and his interactions with others, she saw a theme, from all the Crystal Gems. Lapis gasped aloud before creating a sudden and unrealistic silence. Peridot…was hugging her.
Ignoring the burning under her darkened green cheeks, Peridot stammered out in the new silence, "I'm here. Uh..for you. I-I don't know what's wrong, and-and I don't know how to help b-b-but you're not alone Lazuli! I-I'm here. Whatever you think, whatever happened, w-we can fix it. Together, just like the barn! I'm here, ok?" Peridot swallowed hard and made eye contact despite her unbearable embarrassment, and found that Lapis was turned back looking at her too. Lapis' eyes still poured out their unmitigated self-enmity, but she now bore a sad smile as well.
Lapis covered her eyes with her hands and grumbled back, "Some things even you can't fix Peridot. It's just me. I'm broken." Lapis chuckled darkly before she was suddenly and involuntarily spun with her back to Peridot. Lapis realized too late what Peridot was thinking, and snorted in spite of herself as Peridot reinjected cacophony into the silence.
"What!? Where!? How do you know? Your gems not cracked, but…ok, ok, um. Steven! He has healing powers! He can fix you Lapis! You're not shattered yet, c'mon!" Peridot jumped up to her feet, holding one of Lapis' hands and went to hurriedly drag her down to the temple, but Lapis pulled back and shook her head with small smile.
Holding the tiny smirk, Lapis explained with the authority and morose tone of a doctor to a terminal cancer patient, "My gem is fine Peridot. But I'm still broken. Im not…normal. Not good. In general, for you, for Steven or anyone else. After everything I've done to you all, to Jasper, I don't deserve this…contentment. I don't deserve this at all. I don't matter. I'm just a selfish monster. I'm so awful that…maybe I should really be broken." Lapis released Peridot's hand as her face fell into her chest, wiry cerulean arms binding around a delicate form threatening from within to tear itself apart all over again.
Peridot sank to a sitting position in front of Lapis as the tears began anew, but took one of Lapis' hands into hers again. When Lapis didn't react, Peridot continued, "Lapis…if there's one thing on Earth that I learned, it's that…everything matters. The Crystal Gems see this. Steven sees it in everyone, even in you! You matter Lazuli. It's an objective fact…You definitely matter. Especially to…to…errrgggh I thought I would find a better place to say like this or at least a better time I haven't even ever managed to work out what exactly I was gonna say and I was still learning what to do from Amethyst and now I have to find a way to-" Peridot droned on and on, and became flustered all anew as she quickly devolved into a panic herself.
Lapis froze in something between horror, denial, and elation at the insinuation of what Peridot had managed to get out. What if she'd heard wrong? What if Lapis had come to an incorrect conclusion? What if it was a veiled insult? An attempt to make a joke at Lapis' expense? Or maybe it was genuine? Did Peridot just say…? Lapis had to know, had to hear it. Even if Lapis couldn't accept herself thus far, maybe someone else accepted her? She sat up, wiping her eyes dry, and cleared her throat before speaking through a vibrato of fear and recent grief, "Peridot…Especially to…who?"
Peridot's panic hit an instant wall upon being called out before her blush encompassed her whole face and her heart raced like a jet engine once again. She belted out almost anything to change topic including, "J-just know that you're valid and that we all forgive and accept you just as much as they and you forgive and accept me because were all different now and we all know that and there's no reason to be so hard on yourself especially since all the Crystal Gems and I and even Steven all agree that you're really, really-"
Still refusing to move or breathe beyond what it took to repeat, "Especially to who?" Doubt began to eat into her as to why Peridot was avoiding saying it directly, "To who, Peridot?"
Peridot, tearing up a little from being pressed to the brink on something so utterly mortifying to her, pushed her hands into her face, forcing her visor up and over her head and through her hair as she growled under her breath. Unable to bear the weight of the unanswered question any longer, damned be the consequences of Lapis not feeling the same way, Peridot finally barked out defensively, "Dumbnoseypushypretty CLOD! To me! Especially to me you matter especially! To! Me! There! Ok, I like you Lazuli, a lot! So much so that I-I asked for advice from Steven and Amethyst on-on what to do and what to say and how to make sure I can make you happy! Amethyst has been telling me how to take you on what Steven calls a "date" and making sure I knew now wasn't a good time so soon after Jasper and the mirror and me being a homeworld gem even though I already knew all that and…"
Peridot's continued confession explanation was drowned out by the crash of explanations inside Lapis' own mind. All the time she spent with Amethyst and Steven. All the times Amethyst smiled knowingly and winkedand Steven looked away or made excuses and left when Lapis asked about Peridot. All the times Peridot suddenly turned off the tablet or had to go see Amethyst after she looked at it. Lapis mindlessly interjected, "I thought…You and Amethyst were…"
Peridot stopped cold at the thought of her and best friend being…like that. "WHAT!? Oh no. Nononononono no. Nono. Amethyst is, well, ok, I mean she is pretty too, but I mean even Pearl sees that, but Amethyst and I were only talking about you. Oh stars this is really happening. These are words I'm actually saying…It was never about Amethyst because it was about you." Peridot looked up from her hands slowly, into Lapis' eyes and for the first time not through her visor. She saw something she'd never have expected: Joy. Acceptance. And more tears. Peridot started to lean back to try and leave, thinking she'd ruined everything by failing to understand some critical aspect of emotions and communication again, but Lapis pulled her into crushing hug.
Lapis, fielding a more effervescent feeling in her stomach than she'd ever known, could only manage but a whisper to Peridot, "You matter to me too. So much so that…I don't ever want to be without you. I love making meep morps and I love the barn and I love spending every minute of the day with you. I love your laugh and your insights into life on earth and your adorable way of saying things and your passion for dumb TV shows," Peridot looked offended beyond reason, but let Lapis continue, "I love watching with you, and being with you, and seeing you happy. So…I guess I like you too."
Peridot hugged her back and mumbled, "I told Steven all those things about you. He says that means that I…I love you Lapis." Peridot hugged her tighter just after she heard Lapis' breath hitch from her words, "I always thought you were irritated or upset with me. I'm still trying to understand. I want to understand. Just…you're important to me ok? Don't run or cry or-or ever doubt that you're worthwhile because…I…need you."
"It was always an act. I had to be ok. For Steven. For you. You've been through a lot too and I had to pretend that I wasn't…lost…at the thought of being without you…" Lapis shook her head in a manner of self-denial at her own personal density to the situation, but everything dark and heavy in her mind started to fade in understanding of the situation. This was real. It was happening. It wasn't a nightmare this time. She felt the urge to smile. Something Lapis had only known around Steven, but now with the one she held most dear. Backlit by the now setting sun, Lapis remembered all the times her self-hatred had caused the smile of her usually giddy roommate to fade into pity, and swore not to let it do so ever again. Desiring every more to see her smile continuee, in a now semi-jocose tone Lapis replied, "You're so good at fixing things though Peridot. I'm sure between the two of us we could fix me…I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. I love you…too." Lapis leaned back to look at Peridot, and was surprised to be taken into a soft and loving kiss. A really…really nice one. Like shed been taught how to kiss. A teensy pang of jealousy bit at Lapis' heart, but she washed it away in the warmth that flooded her chest when Peridot clarified.
"I, uh…was that right? I learned how to do that myself from my tablet and um-" Lapis silenced the stuttering gem with a kiss of her own, one much less nervous and one that melted the engineer in her arms. When they parted, Peridot chuckled as she spoke, "I suppose that means it was satisfactory. Heheh." Peridot leaned against Lapis as she manifested her wings and lifted them off the ground while taking Peridot into another kiss. Pulling her back toward the barn, Lapis wanted to enjoy the rest of the night with her somewhere warm. A place she could now happily call home. Peridot actually managed to break away from the passionate kiss, pulling the sign poles off the ground with her power as well, evoking a small laugh of approval from a silently impressed ocean gem. As Lapis carried Peridot back through the barn doors, Peridot finally rebuked, "Hey Lapis…You're not broken. And don't be sorry for anything. And…Camp Pining Hearts isn't dumb."
A sudden snort lead a symphony of laughter that flooded the once grim air as Lapis' heart flew almost as well as she could. Her raw joy was contagious enough to cause Peridot to smile and laugh with her just at the sight. Their foreheads touched as they knew that any future with the other would be a fantastic one, and the barn filled with bright blue and green light that turned teal in time. As the two laughters turned to one, Lapis could actually feel that everything was going to be ok. And that the most upsetting part of her life was now gone, out with the tides.
Garnet smiled wide for no apparent reason, and gave a small laugh from the top of the lighthouse where the Crystal Gems stood assembled. Steven saw her react and gasped in delight before turning back to his binoculars, and Amethyst redoubling her quest to see audio through hers. Pearl stood with her back to the view they stood staring at, arms crossed.
"Cheh, I can't hear anything with these. I think mine are busted. Laaame."
"Amethyst, binoculars only work for the eyes. Like really good glasses. Or those cool hidden image puzzles!"
"Steven's right Amethyst. Just be patient. Not long now."
"Oh honestly, you're already spying on them and you want to eavesdrop too? Unbelievable! See, this is why we shouldn't have come here to do this!"
The four all stood up straight to look at the barn as the blindingly bright blue and green light became teal and faded again. They would even sworn to have heard melodious laughter riding on the dusk wind too. Even at this distance, no one needed to see to know what had happened.
Steven bounced like a pogo stick, all during a long, "Peridot did it you guys! I can't believe it!"
Amethyst fist pumped and grunted, "Yeah girl! Get It, Peri!" before slapping Pearl hard on the backside.
Pearl yelped and whispered between gritted teeth, "Amethyst not…don't do that now!" Pearl blushed knowingly as Amethyst snickered, but Steven could only wonder if he was missing something as he shrugged and made his way back down the lighthouse steps, mind alight with questions to ask Lapis and Peridot tomorrow. Garnet watched Pearl follow after him mentioning a congratulations pie for the new couple, and Amethyst beatboxing club music while making vulgar hand motions behind Pearl.
Garnet glanced one last time at the barn in the distance and said to herself, but not really, "Everyone deserves happiness Lapis. Especially you and Peridot. The Earth has set you both free. And…Wow." She adjusted her shades as they glistened and followed her troupe back home, making a mental note to prevent the Crystal Gems from walking in on Peridot and Lapis before lunch time tomorrow.