Not to Worry
James burst into the dormitory ahead of Remus, laughing, an apple with a bite taken out of it in his hand. Remus followed him more slowly, smiling but not laughing. Sirius looked up from the book he was reading, sitting on his bed. "What's up?" he asked, already grinning along with James. Remus sank down onto his bed, not looking at Sirius.
"Guess what?" James said, not sitting down, but instead leaning against the upright of Remus's bed, eating his apple as he talked.
"What?" Sirius said. Remus groaned, burying his face in his hands. Sirius grinned wider. "What did Remus do this time?"
"You will never guess where I just caught our Remus," James said, shaking his head.
"Where?" Sirius said.
"And you'll certainly never guess who he was with," James said, clearly enjoying the torture he was inflicting on Remus.
"Enough with the twenty questions, Potter, spit it out," Sirius said. Remus fell backwards onto his pillow, hands still over his face.
"Fine, fine," James said, speaking around a mouthful of apple. "I just caught Remus J. Lupin, prefect, A plus student, tucked behind the statue of Rowena Ravenclaw, snogging Amelia Bones' brains out."
"James, shut up, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone," Remus moaned, uncovering his face and sitting up.
"I didn't tell anyone, I just told Sirius," James said. "Sirius doesn't count."
"I said don't tell anyone, not don't tell anyone except Padfoot," Remus argued.
"I thought that was rather implied," James said, and Remus rolled his eyes. He was pink around the collar, but was still smiling slightly, despite his annoyed tone. James looked over at Sirius. "So what do you think of that, eh?"
"What?" Sirius said, giving a start. He had been staring at his comforter, not moving, since James had made his announcement.
"I said, what do you think of Remus snogging Amelia?" James said, clearly annoyed at having to repeat himself.
"Oh," Sirius said. He half looked at Remus, but before he actually made eye contact, he looked back at the comforter. Then he said, "Uh, good job, I guess."
"That's it?" James said, sounding disappointed. "That's all you've got? Our Remus, Remus Lupin, the boy so intently focused on his studies it's a wonder he even gets his tie on straight, has taken a break from his precious N.E.W.T. studies to snog a Hufflepuff, and all I get is a good job, I guess?"
"Sorry," Sirius muttered, still not making eye contact. He shut his book with a snap, shoved it into his bag, and stood up. "I've got to go. Potions homework."
He brushed past James and out the door of the dormitory without looking back. James looked at Remus, who shrugged. Just then, Peter walked in. "Pete! Just wait until I tell you what Remus has been up to."
That night, Sirius was sitting in the library, Charms book open in front of him, when James came in. He spotted Sirius and headed over, pulling out a chair and sitting down on it backwards. "Oi, Padfoot."
"What?" Sirius snapped, not looking up. James raised his eyebrows and didn't reply. A long moment passed. Then Sirius sighed and looked up at him. "Sorry. What?"
"What's got your knickers in a twist, eh?" James asked. "Charms isn't that tricky, mate."
"It's not my Charms work," Sirius said grumpily, looking back down at his essay.
"Then what's going on?" James asked. He looked around furtively, then pulled a box of Bertie Bott's out of his pocket. He offered the box to Sirius, who shook his head, then poured out a palmful and tossed them into his mouth. Sirius was looking at him with a slightly disgusted look on his face. "What?" James asked thickly.
"You are revolting," Sirius said. "What Evans sees in you, I'll never know."
James grinned, showing off a mouth full of color, and said, "You know you love me too, Padfoot."
"In your wildest dreams, perhaps," Sirius said, flipping a page of his book without reading it.
"What are you doing in here, anyway?" James asked.
Sirius gestured to the book, scroll, and quill in front of him. "Studying, Potter. You might try it sometime. In case those rugged good looks don't pay off."
"Who cares about looks?" James said, running a hand through his shaggy black hair. "It's the quidditch playing that's going to make up for my dismal N.E.W.T.s, remember?"
"Right, sorry, how could I have forgotten," Sirius said with a roll of his eyes.
"That's not what I meant, anyway," James said. "Why are you studying in here, and not in the common room with the rest of us?"
Sirius shrugged and flipped another page, nearly ripping it with his forcefulness. "Dunno. Just felt like it, alright?"
"Alright," James said, frowning at Sirius's tone. "Look, are you alright, or what? Only you've been in a mood all day."
"I have not been 'in a mood,'" Sirius argued.
"Right," James said dryly. "That was just your winning personality that made Pete nearly cry at dinner then, was it?"
"He was annoying," Sirius grumbled.
"So what else is new?" James asked, laughing. "I don't know if you've met any of us before, but we're pretty much all annoying, all the time. It's sort of how we get on. But something is clearly pissing you right off today. What is it?"
"It's nothing, alright?" Sirius snapped. "Just leave it alone, James."
"I will not," James said. "Not now I know there's something really wrong. What's going on? Did you get a letter from home?"
"No," Sirius said. "It has nothing to do with home, okay?"
"What is it then? Your Transfiguration score was alright today, can't be that," James said.
"It's not school," Sirius said.
"Then what? Nothing else has even happened today," James said. "Except Remus snogging Amelia."
Sirius glared at his essay and dotted an I so fiercely that it poked a hole through the parchment to the other said. "It has nothing to do with Remus bloody Lupin or Amelia bloody Bones."
"Ah," James said, nodding. "So it's definitely something to do with them, then. What's wrong? Mad that Remus has gotten a good snog this year and you haven't managed? I know rejection can be tough, Padfoot, but something will turn up eventually."
"I haven't been rejected," Sirius snapped, glaring now at James. "I haven't been trying to get snogged, alright?"
"Alright," James said, letting the smile fade off his face. "Then why are you bent out of shape about Remus and Amelia?"
"I'm not," Sirius insisted.
"Yeah, but you are though, and now it's just annoying, so tell me why," James said exasperatedly.
"Listen, I just," Sirius started, then stopped, chewing on the inside of his cheek and looking at James.
"Yes?" James prompted.
"It's nothing," Sirius said again, looking back at his essay. James sighed heavily, and ran both hands through his hair.
"Is it jealousy?"
"What?" Sirius asked sharply, looking back up at James.
"Do you fancy Amelia or something?"
"No," Sirius said emphatically.
"It's okay, if you do," James said, shrugging. "I know you two did that Herbology project together. Did you have fun or something?"
"James, just sod off, alright?" Sirius said angrily. "I have this bloody essay to finish before tomorrow, and I can't do it with you blathering on about Amelia sodding Bones. Leave me alone."
"Fine," James said, standing up. "Fine. But when you're ready to stop being an ass, we'll all be waiting for you in the common room."
"Don't wait up," Sirius muttered as James started to walk away.
"I won't," James snapped.
A week later, Lily prodded James in the ribs as they sat eating breakfast. He choked slightly on his porridge, and glared at her through his coughing. "What?" he asked when he regained his breath.
"What's wrong with your boyfriend? Why isn't he sitting with us?"
"What?" James asked. He followed her gaze over to where Sirius was sitting alone, staring morosely at his eggs. James heaved a heavy sigh and rolled his eyes. "Oh, he's been in a bad mood for days. No idea what's wrong with him."
"Is he mad at you?" Lily asked, buttering a piece of toast.
"We had a spat, or whatever, but no, we're fine," James said. "He's just been a little more moody than usual."
"Moodier than usual Sirius Black," Lily said with a laugh. "That's a terrifying thought."
James snorted. "You're not wrong. He's been a right berk, to be honest."
"Why? What's got him so upset?"
"No clue," James said with a shrug.
"Well, have you tried asking him?"
"Yes," James said, pretending to be offended. "I haven't just ignored my best friend, thank you very much. But he won't tell me. Said he doesn't want to talk about it. Anytime I try to talk to him about what's bothering him, he just storms off or ignores me."
"But you must have some idea what's wrong," Lily insisted. "When did it start?"
"I think it has something to do with Remus and Amelia Bones," James said, taking a bite of porridge. "But I can't for the life of me figure out what about the two of them would bother Sirius so much."
Lily looked at James sharply. "What about Remus and Amelia Bones?"
James looked at her, surprised. "Did I not tell you? Remus and Amelia have been sneaking around this whole week, snogging in broom closets or whatever."
"No, you did not tell me," Lily said, glaring at him. "How could you hold out on me?"
"Sorry," James said with a shrug. "I assumed you knew. You talk to Remus as much as I do, practically."
"He hasn't mentioned it," Lily said. She looked back over at Sirius, who had pushed his eggs away and was now lying with his head buried in his arms, folded on the table. "And Sirius seemed upset by the news?"
"Yeah," James said. "I thought he must fancy Amelia. But honestly, they've barely even spoken. It seems unlikely, don't you think?"
"It does," Lily said. "It seems much more likely that he fancies someone else."
"But then why is he so mad about Remus and Amelia, if he's got his eye on another girl?" James asked. Lily looked at him with a slightly withering look. "What?"
"Oh, James, sometimes you are adorably dense," Lily said.
"Oh, nice, thanks very much, Evans," James said, affronted. "What do you mean, dense?"
"I mean, how much time do you spend with Sirius and Remus? Basically every second of the last seven years? How have you not seen what is directly in front of your face?"
"What are you on about?" James asked, seriously annoyed now.
"Sirius isn't jealous of Remus, you twat, he's jealous of Amelia."
James looked at Lily. Then he glanced over at Sirius, then back at Lily. "I don't understand."
Lily sighed, shaking her head. "James, do we really need to have this talk? It's not 1945, for goodness sake."
James looked between Lily and Sirius once more. "You mean…"
"James, some blokes like other blokes," Lily said. "This cannot be news to you."
James stared at her for a moment. Then he burst into laughter. A few of the people around them turned to look at him curiously, and James tried to stifle his giggles. "Sorry," he said finally.
"Why are you laughing? What is so ridiculous about the idea of gents fancying other gents?" Lily asked indignantly.
"Absolutely nothing at all, Lil," James said. "But Sirius is definitely into birds, trust me."
"How on earth can you be so certain?" Lily asked.
"Because he's my best mate," James said. "I've lived with him for seven years. I know everything about him. Trust me, we've spent enough time looking at girls."
"You look at girls?" Lily asked, eyebrows raised.
"Of course not anymore," James said quickly. "But we have, in the past. And trust me, Sirius was looking. So there's no way he's into blokes, alright?"
"There are three very clear explanations for that," Lily said.
"Enlighten me, then," James said with a grin.
"One," Lily started. "He was lying to you, because he thought you would be uncomfortable."
"Impossible," James said at once. "Sirius tells me everything. He would never lie to me."
"That's adorably naïve of you, but alright," Lily said. "Two, he was still trying to figure out who he liked looking at, and so just went along with you lot."
"Trust me, he wasn't just going along," James said.
"Three," Lily pressed on, "Lots of folks aren't just interested in women or men, James. It is possible to fancy both, you know."
"Speaking from experience there, Lil?" James asked.
"So what if I am?" Lily asked coldly. "I don't think that's really the point at the moment, is it?"
"What is the point? That Sirius fancies boys?"
"James, that's only barely the point," Lily said. "The point is that Sirius fancies Remus. Honestly, how on earth do you catch the snitch when you're so infuriatingly blind?"
"You really think Sirius fancies Remus? Remus Lupin? Sirius Black? Really?"
"Yes, really," Lily insisted. "And he has for ages. I thought you lot all knew, to be honest. I just thought no one liked to talk about it."
"No one knows anything, because there's nothing to know," James said. "He doesn't fancy Remus. He would have told me. I told him when I fancied you."
"James, you told Professor Dumbledore when you fancied me, it's not like it was a well-kept secret," Lily said. "But Sirius has been smitten with Remus for, well, I don't know how long, but a long time."
"How do you know?"
"Have you seen the way he looks at him?"
"The way Sirius looks at Remus?"
"Yes."
"How does Sirius look at Remus?" James asked.
"He looks at him the same way you look at me," Lily said, looking James right in the eye. "Sweetly, but with that sort of 'I'll kill anyone who tries to hurt you' look. Tenderly, you know?"
James was quiet for a second, gazing over at Sirius thoughtfully. Then he looked back at Lily. "You weren't supposed to know what that look means."
"I know what all your looks mean," Lily said. "I know the 'you've just surprised me and I love it' look, and the 'I want to jump you right now' look. And in case you were wondering, Sirius sends both of those at Remus as well. Honestly, the two of you are frighteningly similar. I wonder if it's how your dad looks at your mum…"
"Alright, first of all, gross," James said, and Lily chuckled. "Second of all, I just can't believe it. If it's true, how could I have missed it?"
"Well, observant isn't exactly the word that springs to mind when I think of James Potter," Lily said with a smile. "Sorry, love, but you know it's true. Watch him now. You'll see. Though I expect with the addition of Amelia to the mix, the looks might have changed somewhat."
After three days of consciously observing his friends whenever possible (and three days of Peter asking him what he was staring at), James was ready to admit that Lily might have a point. Sirius certainly wasn't sending Remus any come hither looks, but James had to admit that Sirius's gaze drifted over to the taller boy more often than was probably usual for friends. Once, when Remus was fretting around his bed, tie half done, shirt untucked, a quill stuck behind his ear, looking everywhere for the reading glasses perched on his head, James had caught Sirius looking at Remus with a look that James, despite himself, could really only describe as loving. Feeling like he was intruding on a very personal moment, James had looked away quickly.
He couldn't get Sirius alone for another two days. Finally, he found his chance. Late one Saturday night, while Remus was off somewhere with Amelia, and Peter had already trotted off to bed, James found himself tucked away in a corner of the common room with Sirius, both focused on trying to Charm their books to stack themselves up without saying the incantation. James, who had taken a chocolate frog break from the spell, looked at Sirius, who was focusing intensely on his books, and said, "I wanted to talk to you."
The books, which had just been starting to wiggle, fell still. Sirius grimaced. "Brilliant. Just brilliant. I nearly had it that time, too. What did you interrupt me for?"
"I just wanted to tell you," James said, not looking at Sirius as he dug around in his bag for another frog, "That it occurred to me that the reason you've been in such a delightful mood the last few weeks might have something to do with Remus and his new extra-curricular activities with Amelia. And if that is the reason, and you feel sad or jealous of Amelia, or whatever, and want to talk about your feelings towards Remus, I would be willing to be here for that. Since you always listened to me go on and on about Lily. I don't mind being that person for you."
Sirius stared at the top of James's head as the other boy continued to dig around his mess of a bag. "What are you talking about?" Sirius asked finally.
"I'm talking about how you might have feelings for Remus," James said, finally unearthing the frog and setting about unwrapping it. "And you might want to talk about them. And that you could do that with me. If you wanted."
"What makes you think I have feelings for Remus?"
"Just, you know, the way you look at him," James said vaguely. "And the mood you've been in."
"And if that…if that was true," Sirius said slowly, staring at James as James continued not to look at him, now examining the card that had come with his chocolate frog. "That I fancied Remus. That wouldn't horrify you? Or disgust you? Or make you not want to be my friend anymore?"
James looked up finally and looked Sirius right in the eye. His gaze was steady. "It wouldn't bother me in the slightest."
"Truly?" Sirius asked.
"Truly and honestly," James said, taking a bite of the frog.
"It wouldn't bother you if I was into blokes instead of birds?"
"Nope," James said easily.
"I see," Sirius said. He looked down at his hands, twisting his wand around in between his fingers.
"So…" James asked slowly. "Does that mean you do? Fancy Remus?" Slowly, cautiously, Sirius nodded. He was still nodding when he looked back up at James, worry etched all over his face. James smiled. "Then I think I owe you an apology, mate."
"What?" Sirius asked, startled. "An apology for what?"
"Trying to set you up with Barbara Shells in fourth year," James said. "That was clearly a big mistake."
Sirius barked out a laugh as though he couldn't help himself. "Yeah, not your finest hour," he said, still looking at James nervously, as though James might change his mind and start hexing him at any moment.
"I'm also sorry that you felt like you couldn't tell me," James said more quietly, and both of them broke their eye contact, glancing down at the books strew across the table. "I'm sorry you ever for a second thought there was anything you had to keep from me. You can tell me anything. Everything. Always. No matter what it is."
"I know," Sirius said. "I mean…I know that now."
James nodded. They looked at each other again, and Sirius coughed. Then James broke the silence and said, "So, how long, anyway?"
"How long what?" Sirius asked. "Have I been into blokes? Pretty much since the get go, mate."
"No," James said with a laugh. "I meant, how long have you fancied Remus?"
Sirius paused. Then he asked. "Fancied? Or been in love with?"
James's eyebrows flew up towards his messy hair. "In love with? Really?" Sirius sighed, closed his eyes, and nodded. "Well then, both, I suppose," James said.
"I've fancied Remus for…forever," Sirius said, opening his eyes again. "Do you remember quidditch tryouts, third year?"
"Yeah," James said slowly. "Remus didn't try out. Nor did you."
"No," Sirius said, "But you did, and we all came down to watch you, and Remus kept making these little comments, just sarcastic stuff, you remember what a little shit he used to be, and it had me in stitches. And I remember just looking over at him and feeling…"
"Yeah?" James pressed.
"I sound like a bloody girl," Sirius snarled.
"Oh, come on, you just sound like me talking about Lily," James said. "Go on then. What did you feel?"
"Butterflies," Sirius muttered. "That's the only sodding way to describe it. I felt butterflies, and I swear, they haven't gone away since."
James grinned. "But you said you don't just fancy him anymore, right? You said you…"
"Yeah," Sirius said. "Love. I said that. You didn't hear me wrong or anything."
"That's rather huge, Sirius," James said. "How long has that been…how you feel?"
"When everything happened last year," Sirius said quietly, staring at his books, "With my parents and all that. And I went to your place, and moved in with you all, remember?"
"Course I do," James said, watching Sirius carefully.
"Well, when we came back to school, Remus and I were in the library, and he didn't know what had happened, and I mentioned that I had run away, and moved in with you and your folks and everything, and he got so angry."
"Angry?" James asked, surprised.
"Yeah," Sirius said. "He was furious, you know, in that really quiet, fuming sort of way he's got? He was completely beside himself."
"Why? Because you ran away?" James asked, somewhat indignant. "You had to!"
"No," Sirius said quickly. "Because I hadn't told him what had happened. He was mad because I hadn't written to him and told him what was happening. He said he could have helped, if he had known, and that he had the right to know what was going on in his best mates' life, and that I should be more considerate, and…well, he went on and on, actually. And then he asked if there was anything I needed, and when I said no, he handed me a bar of Honeydukes chocolate, and that was it. We went back to studying."
"And that made you realize…"
"That I love him, yeah," Sirius said. He looked up to find James staring at him, and he shrugged. "I know it sounds like nothing. But it was like being hit over the head. I realized all I wanted was for Remus to worry about me, and think about me, and focus on me. That I didn't just want to kiss him, or hold his hand, or whatever ridiculous fantasies thirteen-year-old Sirius had had. I wanted all of him, for real. I wanted to be as much the center of his world as he is of mine."
As Sirius stopped talking and heaved a sigh, James smiled, running one hand through his hair. "You are."
"Are what?" Sirius asked.
"You're in love," James said. "You sound like me."
"I sound nothing like you," Sirius countered. "I am tragic and poetic. You're just a blithering idiot."
James laughed. "You're just as blithering as I am, and I am just as poetic as you are."
"Can't deny the tragedy though," Sirius said, and he managed to keep most of the bitterness out of his voice. Suddenly looking shrewdly as James, he asked, "What made you come to this sudden realization anyway? About my tragic love life? Or lack thereof."
"Ah," James said. "Well, I wish I could say it just came to me. But I think you probably know."
"Lily?" Sirius guessed.
"Lily," James confirmed.
"That girl is far too smart for you, Potter," Sirius said, shaking his head. "You had better marry her the second we leave this school, because as soon as she starts meeting actual adults, you'll have no chance."
"I am well aware, thanks," James said. They sat in silence for another minute, both lost in their thoughts. Then James asked, "So what are you going to do?"
"Do?" Sirius asked. "About what?"
"About this," James said, waving his hand vaguely around the room. "About your tragic predicament, or whatever you called it."
"Oh," Sirius said. "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing," Sirius said. "Like I said, it's not like I'm new at this. I've been nursing this torch for a long time, James. I'm just going to keep my head down and keep nursing it, thanks very much."
"But…does Remus know?" James asked.
"No," Sirius said sharply. "And you can't tell him, James, I mean it."
"I won't," James said at once, raising his hands in surrender. He lowered them slowly. "Does Pete know?"
"James," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "No one knows."
"No one?"
"Who would I have told before I told you?" Sirius asked. "You're my best mate. I'm not in the habit of telling anyone anything I haven't already discussed with you."
James nodded. "Alright. Fair enough. But don't you…don't you want to tell him? When I fancied Lily, I couldn't wait to tell her."
"I remember," Sirius said wryly. "But no, thank you, I think I'll suffer this crush in private if it's all the same to you."
"But why?" James asked. "Why not tell him?"
"Because I have no desire to ruin my life," Sirius said.
"How would him knowing ruin your life?"
"James, think," Sirius said. "He's my mate. Our mate. What good would telling him I'm madly in love with him do?"
"Maybe he feels the same way," James said.
"James, be reasonable," Sirius argued. "If he did, would he be off snogging Amelia Bones right now?"
James shrugged. "You never know. Some people like to snog blokes and birds. Maybe Remus is one of those folks."
"Maybe," Sirius said. "But I'm not risking it. I'm not chancing everything, all our friendships, the Marauders, all of it, on the off-chance that Remus has secretly been pining after me this whole time as well. No thank you."
"So what, you're just never going to say anything? That's your plan?"
"Yes," Sirius said. "That is exactly my plan. It's worked for four years now, who's to say it won't work for another forty?"
"Well, if you're going to hide it, you had better stop moping around," James said.
"Yeah," Sirius said with a sigh. "You're right. I guess I need to get over the Amelia thing. It's just new, you know, Remus snogging anyone."
"It is," James agreed. "But if you're not going to tell him, which you absolutely should, you had better fix your attitude. Unless you want to spend the rest of our last year here pissing off everyone around you."
"Understood," Sirius said. Just then, Remus pushed open the portrait hole and stepped in. In the moment before he spotted them and headed over, Sirius gazed at the other boy, the look of longing so palpable that James wondered how he had never seen it before that week. Then Sirius hitched a smile into place, waved at Remus, and scooted over to make room for him at the table.
"Hello, you two," Remus said. "Where's Pete?"
"Off to bed while you were having your rendezvous," Sirius said, smiling. "How's Madam Bones?"
Remus smiled, blushing slightly. "She's just fine, thanks."
"Glad to hear it," Sirius said. James watched them both from the other side of the table, as Remus picked up his wand and made the books stack themselves up, neat as a pin, without a word. Sirius shook his head. "Bloody Remus. Why are you so perfect at everything?"
"It's a curse," Remus said with a grin. "What can I say?"
"You could apologize," Sirius said, waving his wand half-heartedly towards the books.
"Alright," Remus said, leaning back and closing his eyes. "Sorry, Sirius. For…whatever."
"That's alright, mate," Sirius said softly. "Not to worry."