Setting: During episode 18 "Transparent" of 2nd gig, when Angel's Feathers daughter (Theresia) appears in the cathedral after her father is successfully subdued by Motoko/Batou; also takes place post-episode 18.
Conditions: Batou's POV
Summary: After the Angels Feathers incident, Batou realizes how human he is after all, and how weak he is really is.
Author's Note: Please read and review. I don't know why it took so long for me to finally get my 3rd GITS fan-fic up, considering I thought about it at work more than a month ago. This will probably be my last GITS fic for a long time. Please read my other two GITS fan-fics if you get the chance. Enjoy!
An Angel in Purgatory
I can't believe I aimed my gun at a little girl, especially a handicapped little girl. To me, it's instinct. Sometimes I still feel like I'm out in that jungle. That, or it is second nature when you work with a woman like Motoko Kusanagi. Theresia, Angel's Feathers daughter, had entered the nave of the cathedral. I was as silent as death, not wanting to provoke the little girl. Motoko stood as quiet as night, never flinching. Jesus Christ, that little girl in the wheelchair had impeccable timing. Why did she have to appear so suddenly after we subdued her father?
Her wheelchair did the moving for her. Theresia was obviously confused, aware that someone or something was here. She barely moved her head to the right and left a few times. Finally her voice echoed throughout the entire cathedral. "Papa, are you here?" Theresia's hands were up in the air, as if she was trying to feel for someone, something. All she was touching was a wall of air. "I heard some loud voices just now," she continued. "Did something happen?"
The concern in Theresia's voice for her father tore at my soul-if I even had a soul-and left me heartbroken. I wanted to fall to my knees and cry. I wanted to run right past that little girl and flee the damn cathedral. I wanted to be somewhere other than here. Hell I didn't ever want to see Motoko again. I would even accept purgatory as a place of comfort and oblivion, not quite between heaven or hell. I figured I belonged in neither of them.
But instead of running, I simply stood there in the nave, alongside Motoko. Theresia continued approaching, slowly. I did something I regret; I broke my silence. "Wait a minute," I whispered out loud to myself. "You couldn't possibly see me. You were blind all along." How did I not notice this?
At the sound of my voice, Theresia halted. I obviously startled her. Then I felt really sorry for what came next, because I truly felt that I scared the absolute hell out of this little girl. "Who's there!" asked Theresia, to no one in particular. I didn't need to turn my head to see that Motoko showed no emotion whatsoever. I often wondered if Queen Kong had any emotions at all and if she did, she never accounted for any of them. How I wanted to punch that heartless bitch in the face.
To my surprise, Theresia did something I never expected. She lifted herself out of her wheelchair, holding her arms out in front of her. "Papa, it's you isn't it?" No, I wanted to say. But then a part of me wished I really was her father, that I was her guardian angel and would protect this clueless little girl from the peril that so plagued modern day society. Motoko didn't bother to move. Theresia held on to the benches for support, slowly making her way towards me. I didn't dare move either. "Please, I can tell it's you papa…"
The little girl's balance was clumsy and she finally fell onto the ground. Why did I never help that little girl stand up? I realized I was just as cruel and heartless as Motoko was, no matter how much I wanted to help Theresia, I couldn't. Is this really how a cyborg should act, careless and heartless? I was definitely not a human. I would fall into the same trap that Motoko landed herself into.
As quickly as Theresia fell she was right back up on her feet, still holding on to the benches of course. "Papa," she said. "I'm scared. Where are you?" I'm here, I wanted to tell her. I'm right here and I'll give you your wings.
"Say something!" she cried. "You are there papa, aren't you? Papa, what's the angel planning to do today?" She reached her hand out towards me. I wanted to comfort her and tell her everything would be okay. I know Motoko was looking at me and she probably sensed the emotional assault that was playing its way out onto my face. I moved my lip, wanting to say something. I know Motoko saw me but I pretended I was somewhere else, maybe a ghost blended in with the fog like she always was.
Theresia screeched that same question again, "what's the angel planning to do today?" How the hell could I respond? I felt like I was a criminal being interrogated, put on the spotlight. For a long time I said nothing. Something came into my mind then, a memory. It lasted a split second, of some child running towards an older woman, a mother or aunt maybe? It was gone as soon as it came, but it made me feel older than what I was supposed to be.
"The angel…" I replied. What was I going to say? Theresia grew excited then, reaching her hand closer towards me. "The angel!" she repeated back to me. Her hand almost touched my arm. "The angel…" I whispered, still unsure of how to reply. The little girl grabbed my arm then. I was heartbroken. I wanted to beg to God to save this little girl, to give her something I would never be able to give her. God, I silently pleaded, give her an angel from heaven, not an angel from purgatory.
"The angel…isn't…" I was getting closer, but not close enough. Theresia's tightened grasp on my arm lessened. I know she was disappointed.
"…planning to go anywhere."
The Major didn't say too much on the plane ride back to Japan. She told me that I did a sloppy job on the surveillance and that I needed to get my act together. Christ, what else was new? I dared to ask to Motoko "Or what?" I was angry at her for being so damn cold-hearted towards Theresia. Surprisingly enough she never replied to my question but became quiet as we left Berlin. This tension, this growing silence between us, made me want to crawl into a hole and die.
We had some short "vacation" time after this op, so I made it a point to avoid being in public. I stayed in my safehouse, alone as always. This case wrecked me, I don't know why. I wanted to cry. But I had artificial eyes so no tears ever came out. Instead I got drunk. I turned my alcohol processor off on purpose so I could feel the hangover. It was the perfect way to solve all problems, if only for a short while. Soon I would be forced back into reality anyway.
Later the major came to visit me. She hacked into my security system easily. Of course I was so drunk I never noticed. Upgrading my security system was something I never paid too much attention to anyway. I was lying on my recliner and Motoko pulled up a chair right next to me. After two days I started getting tired of being drunk. Odd, considering I would rather hide in my oblivion. I switched my alcohol processor on a few hours before Motoko arrived. Whereas I would be back to normal in an instant if I had only drank for a few hours, it would take me at least a few hours to be sober again.
"M-m-o…to…." I was also still drunk enough not to call her "Major." I could see it on her face that she was completely pissed off at me. "Christ Batou, what the hell is wrong with you?" She said some more things that I ignored, or was just too drunk enough for me to understand her. Later she just stopped talking, sighed, and sat there.
Half an hour later, I sobered up and recognized her towering presence. "I dove into your external memory," she told me. "That girl triggered something, didn't she?" As much as I loved the Major, I hated her just as much. I gave her no permission to delve into something so personal but I rubbed it off as I was too exhausted to argue with her.
"You're so damn cold-hearted Motoko." I hate remembering how the Major stood in the cathedral and said nothing. "You didn't say a single fucking thing to that little girl." Our relationship would probably hit an all time low after that statement. I couldn't allow that to happen or I would ruin Section 9.
"So you cared so much you got wasted like hell?" she snapped right back at me. "We've dealt with far worse cases Batou. You're moping over a damn stranger, because her father is a fake? You should do what we always do after every finished op; walk away and come back tomorrow."
No, I screamed inside, I can't walk away. "That girl…I don't remember much of my childhood Motoko. But when she asked me about what the angel was going to do…" I stopped there, amazed the Major was even giving me eye contact. I wanted to kiss her eyes, those fake eyes, and make her realize just how human I-no, we-were. "You should leave Motoko. If you want my ass booted off the team, do it. I've been doing nothing except giving you problems." There. Said and done. Now I could get back to drinking away all of my sorrows.
"You didn't finish Batou." The Major's face had no hint of emotion but her voice certainly reeked of sympathy. I looked into her fake eyes, like mine, and saw nothing. No soul, no ghost. Maybe I was just talking to a wall all along. Even though I was artificial, I still felt alive…maybe. Motoko had returned to blend in with the white fog. In that fog I could never find her. Sooner or later, I would get lost in there with her. That I knew, really was my purgatory; lost, and forever wandering, never quite getting to heaven.
"Why finish?" I asked after the ensuing silence. "It was nothing important. It was just me, maybe, running to some older woman that I perceived as my mother. Maybe I was crying or something, and I wanted attention. I don't know." I had no future. I could never pretend to be a father to anyone and I could never have children. More saddening was the fact that Motoko had it worse.
I knew then that Motoko wouldn't boot me out. I got off my recliner and rubbed my head. Motoko smiled, for the first time since…forever?
I told her I had already walked away and I would be back to work tomorrow.